


The Boy with the Backpack

by Allavengedromance



Series: The Boy with the Backpack [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, FACE Family, Family Dynamics, Friends to Lovers, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Matchmaker Elizaveta, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Canada, Oblivious Prussia, Protective America, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, repost from FanFiction.net
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2020-10-05 01:03:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 128,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20480408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allavengedromance/pseuds/Allavengedromance
Summary: Gilbert sees a boy leaving the school in the middle of the day looking downcast and decides to ditch with him. That boy is Matthew Williams, the invisible child, walking away to end it all. Original idea inspired by an old email chain mail.I posted this on fanfiction.net in 2011 and wrote the second half years later.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on fanfiction.net in 2011 and wrote the second half years later. The first few chapters have not gone through an extensive edit from when I was thirteen. I'll be uploading it here a little bit at a time, so I can at least set the formatting if not edit it a tad.

He walked down the hallway head hanging low same as it did every time he walked through the school. His head would hang in disappointment from being forgotten by everybody around him again and from his natural shyness, trying to avoid the people around, knowing no one would notice him anyways. But today someone did, on this day when his head hung lower under the weight of his heavier than usual backpack red eyes followed his thin form. 

Matthew Williams had woken up that morning from a nightmare. Nightmares weren’t uncommon for the Canadian boy. In all the dreams, he would be forgotten by everybody, even his family, or disappear, and no one noticed he was gone. Recently the dreams had become more current and not even his razor could make the feelings go away and give him the same release it used to. self-injured. He didn’t do it because he enjoyed the act but because of how it made him feel. It convinced him that he was real and alive because sometimes he really believed that he wasn’t even real since everyone constantly forgot and ignored him.

That morning, he decided, would be his last. He sat on his bed for a long time just thinking. Is there really a reason not to do it? He stared at his hands, the scars on his arms, and then he looked up and surveyed the room slowly with red-rimmed eyes. His room was a little on the messy side. 

“Maybe I should clean it first,” he thought while biting his lower lip. Where this urge came he wasn’t quite sure, but he started to clean and organize his room.

"They won’t notice I am gone so they obviously won’t clean out the room,” he thought with despair. Then he started thinking what the rest of his family would do with the room once they noticed no one was using it. He mused over those things and many more while he finished cleaning up his small room. Once finished, there was something else nagging at him. His locker.

So he found himself walking down the street towards the school. He made the walk before on the days when the bus driver would not see him waiting at the bus stop and would drive right by. School had already started when he was cleaning, but he didn’t quicken his pace. They wouldn’t notice him walking in late. They haven’t in the past when he barged in breathing hard from running all the way from the bus stop. Today would be no different. No one would turn a head, so he continued walking at his slow pace pondering over things. _ Will I feel it? Will it hurt? How long will it take? _ He pondered his end without fear all the way until the school came into view.

Once he took in the image of the school he straightened his back and walked with a little more purpose. He always liked to have things to do. It made him feel like he had a sort of mission, and he strove to accomplish it to the best of his ability. His current mission was to clean out his locker. He didn’t want to have some student next year having to deal with a locker full of his stuff since no one would clean it out once he was gone, since no one would notice. Besides, even if the school figured out the locker contained things that had no living owner, he would not want to leave the burden of cleaning it out to them. He absolutely hated being a burden on people. That’s why he must do this. In his mind, he was wasting space, money, and time. All that wasted on someone who no one remembers, when it could be used on someone more deserving, someone who can do something great.

He pondered these things in his depressed state as he walked into the school. Class had already started, so the hallways were empty and void of life, mirroring the feelings swirling around inside of him. Not paying attention to what he was doing, he walked into his second period class out of habit. Once he walked through the door, he looked up and realized he hadn’t been heading to his locker like he initially planned. Not that it made a difference though. The class was carrying on as it normally would if someone hadn’t just walked in in the middle of the lecture. 

Some people were whispering to each other like the teacher couldn’t hear, others were texting friends that weren’t in the class, some kids were actually trying to comprehend what the teacher was saying, most were staring into space daydreaming about nothing as most students did during class, but one student had their red eyes trained on the disheveled boy in the doorway that just walked in. Matthew didn’t notice the eyes as he trudged to his seat in the third row with his head downcast because he was so used to being completely invisible he stopped considering that people could actually be noticing him.

Thankful that he sat next to the window, he stared out it and pondered things some more. He decided to go through the rest of the school day… or at least until lunch. It was not because he carried any fear about what he was going to do. In actuality, he was excited that he was finally doing some good from the world, but it was overshadowed by his deepening depression. He didn’t want to clean his locker out during classes in case someone heard him. He didn’t want to disturb classes with his banging. Not that he feared someone seeing him, he actually would love that. He didn’t want someone to think there was a ghost in the school like the one time he went to his locker during classes when he was late. He remembered that incident with a frown. It hurt more because it was his own brother, and he had scars from that night to prove it. 

The shrill bell broke through his thoughts signaling a change of classes. He quickly got up and hurried to his next class not wanting to be banged against the lockers by the crowds of other students that wouldn’t see him. In his rush to beat the large crowd he didn’t see the white haired person walking towards him with a worried face. He also didn’t see how the face looked even more worried as he left or how the person stared at the door a moment thoughtfully before grabbing their own bag and walking out into the crowded high school hallway.

Matthew sat down at his seat in his next class and watched as the rest of his classmates walked in to take their seats. Some were chatting with each other, others were waving goodbye to their friends in the hallway promising to see them later, and a few were walking in looking as bored as they probably were last class. As Matthew watched the rest of the class file through the door before the bell rang his eyes lingered on one person longer than the rest, Alfred, his brother. 

Surely he will notice me. Matthew imagined his brother coming up to talk to him; asking him if everything was okay. He would say everything was fine and his brother would say, “Bullshit,” and demand to know what was wrong so he could help his little brother and be the hero that he always claimed to be. He then shook his head. These thoughts only made it worse. Imagining how everything could be better if he wasn’t invisible always depressed him more. He liked to blame books and Hollywood movies because stuff like the things in those movies doesn’t happen to people like him. Even after reassuring himself he still watched his brother, the one person in the whole school who should recognize him, to see if he will notice. 

Alfred walked in with his confident stride and his head held high wearing the goofy grin he almost always seemed to have on his face. For once he wasn’t surrounded by one of his many friends. He scanned the room for someone to talk to eyes passing right over his younger brother as if he wasn’t there and landing on someone else. “Hey Kiku!” he practically screamed while walking across the room to his Asian friend where he proceeded to talk about some “wicked awesome videogame” he played recently. It was in this moment that Matthew tuned out his brother and the other conversations going on around him.

Matthew remembered at time when upon seeing him his brother would come up throw an arm around his shoulder and say some greeting involving recent slang and the term bro. Then, he would proceed to talk endlessly about stuff that made no sense to anyone who didn’t have the happy-go-lucky personality that Alfred had that just seemed to spread to all the people around him. But just like everyone else, Matthew became invisible to Alfred and faded into the background and the back of his mind as the twins grew older. To say Matthew didn’t miss the times when he was close to his brother would be a lie.

Even though they hadn’t hung out in years some of his best memories were when they used to hang out and do brotherly things. He remembered how Alfred used to stand up for him and beat up kids that would make fun of him because he was the hero, but that is all those times were now, a used to, a memory. Stuff like that didn’t happen anymore. Stuff like that hadn’t happened in years. The last time Alfred really remembered him was almost a year ago when their dad forced him to bring Matthew along to hang out with his friends. At the time, Matthew was a burden to him with his quiet, shy personality, an annoyance. That’s all he was now, a burden. He almost didn’t hear the bell he was so lost in his thoughts. With a sigh he got up and trudged to his next class. One more class until lunch and then this would all be over.

The next class went by much like the first two. Not one person so much as looked at him, his name was not called on the roster, and the teacher didn’t hand out the worksheet the rest of the class was working on to him. Usually he would go up to the teacher’s desk and explain how he didn’t get one; the teacher would look confused, but then give him a sheet. Today was different. He didn’t go out of his way to get the work because he wouldn’t need it. He wouldn’t be back tomorrow so he didn’t need the work today. He pondered many things as he did in the past classes, but this time kept an eye on the time. He looked around his small classroom one last time attempting to find some sort of good memory there to carry with him as he left. He drew a blank. There were none. He took in the faces of his fellow classmates and said a silent goodbye to them as the bell rang signaling lunch time. 

Most of the class rushed out the door to ensure they got near the front of the lunch line, while a few lingered with their friends and slowly disappeared from the classroom in groups laughing and talking about nothing. Matthew waited until most people cleared the room before he started packing his bag. He didn’t want to have to try to clean out his locker in the middle of that crowd. He could just imagine getting slammed into his locker and having his head stuck inside until a janitor realized there was a boy stuck there late in the night. Shaking thoughts of getting his head stuck in a locker out of his head, he shrugged his backpack on one shoulder and made his way out into the hallway. The hallway was mostly empty except for a few kids walking to lunch and others talking with their friends by their lockers. Luckily, he wouldn’t have to worry about people running into him or knocking down his stuff as he cleaned his locker because it wasn’t near the cafeteria and there wouldn’t be a crowd. He made it too his locker and fiddled with his lock for a little while before peering inside.

His locker was decently organized, which he was grateful for so he could leave sooner. Being at school was depressing and just made everything worse. He stared at his locker contemplating the best way to place his belongings in his bag. There was mostly text books and spirals, but he wanted to make sure they all fit. He started with the larger books stuffing them in his backpack two at a time, then he moved to the smaller, and then the thin spirals. It was a tight squeeze but it all fit. After he fought with the zipper for a few minutes, he was ready to go. He looked at his open locker a little longer remembering the times he was accidentally pushed into it. Shoving his now heavy backpack on his shoulders he made his way down the hallway with a mixture of emotions. He was slightly happy about it all being over. The thought gave him relief which also gave him a dim feeling of happiness. Those good feelings were overshadowed by his growing sense of dread that came along with his sadness and depression that seemed to fill his insides when thinking of all the times he was forgotten and uncared for.

He walked down the hall depression clouding his mind more and more the longer he sat with his lingering thoughts. 

“It will all be over soon,” he thought dryly to himself. 

The hallways became more populated with people as he neared the cafeteria. 

Not like it matters. No one will notice.

His dark thoughts were right. Now one head of the many students turned. Not one person made eye-contact. Not one person out of the many noticed the depressed boy walking by under the weight of his heavy backpack. He decided to stop dwelling on it. 

This is how things went. This is how they always went and this is how they always will be. “Hey!” That’s why I’m doing this. “Hey kid!” That’s why I just can’t live like this anymore. 

Matthew became so lost in his thoughts that he was tuned out from the world around him. Halfway through a thought, a grunt escaped his mouth and he found himself laying on his back on the floor, which was similar to sitting since his backpack was stuffed to the brim with books. He looked up in a small daze to see an open door right where he was walking. 

“Of course,” he thought miserably. This wasn’t the first time he ran into a door. Usually they were being slammed on him from the people walking in front of him, but it left the same feeling. He sat a moment basking in his growing misery until he heard footsteps coming up behind him. 

“Hey, are you okay kid?” 

He looked up to see a boy with white hair and a worried expression in his red eyes. 

“Uh…umm…” Not used to being noticed, Matthew had trouble coming up with a quick response. Luckily for him the other boy continued talking. 

“Dude, that must have hurt,” he said shooting a glare at a passing student, probably the one that came out of the classroom. The red-eyed boy continued talking while the boy with the backpack sat there on the ground shocked someone was noticing him. 

“Some people are just not as awesome as the awesome me I guess,” the white haired boy said with a shrug sticking his hand out to the other still on the ground. Matthew stared at it a moment before feebly taking the pale and him his and being hoisted forcibly to his feet. 

The red-eyed boy decided it was time for introductions since they didn’t really know each other and stated, “My name is Gilbert, and I’m am the awesomest thing in the dump called a school. So, who am I gracing with my awesome presence?” He looked at the boy in front of him questioningly. 

“Oh… I’m… uh… M-matthew,” Matthew stuttered out feebly in his shy manner. Noticing Gilbert still looking at him expectantly, he decided he might not have heard him and said a little less shyly, “My name is Matthew Williams.”

“Mind if I ditch with you?” Gilbert asked nonchalantly now leaning against the wall. 

“W-what?” Matthew asked now confused. Gilbert gave him a look. 

“You know, ditch, skip class. I mean you obviously aren’t just leaving for lunch carrying a backpack like that,” he said pointing to the overstuffed backpack currently hindering Matthew’s balance. Gilbert paused giving a chance for Matthew to respond, but Matthew just stared back still slightly confused and adjusted his backpack strap. 

“Soooo,” Gilbert said while getting off the wall. “Ditching is always funner with someone else.” Gilbert grasped Matthew’s wrist and started dragging him down the hall as he said, “We need to hurry if we don’t want to get caught.” 

Matthew cringed in pain as his wrist was grabbed. Gilbert’s grip wasn’t strong enough to cause pain, actually it wasn’t that strong of a grip at all, but Matthew’s wrist stung as he was sure cuts were reopened and staining the bandage hidden under his hoodie sleeve red. Gilbert, sensing the other boy’s discomfort and knowing he would follow behind, let go of the wrist, put his hands in his pockets, and continued walking out the front door of the school. Since it was lunch, it wasn’t odd for people to be passing in and out the doors, the ideal time for leaving to ditch the rest of the day. Gilbert threw open the door like he owned the place and walked outside into the bright day with Matthew trailing behind. 

Outside seemed so much brighter then inside the school. It always amazed Matthew that no matter how many lights were on in the school you were always blinded when you first walked outside. It was as if all the lights in the school were miniscule compared to the light of the sun, like all of the lights inside the school were fake version of the real light that was on the outside. “Kind of how the people here act,” Matthew would sometimes think. He always liked nature so he enjoyed the times he could walk outside the doors and bathe in the rays of the sun on his pale skin even though he preferred the cold and winter. 

Matthew’s eyes quickly adjusted to the bright light of the sun. Gilbert continued walking down the front steps taking no notice to the fact that he wasn’t being followed at first. Matthew watched him walking down the steps confused at what exactly he had gotten himself into. Focusing his attentions on the recent events of being noticed put the depressing thoughts he had before in the back of his mind. 

“Hey kid, you coming or what?” Gilbert said stopping and turning around slightly to look at the boy still standing on the top steps of the school. Matthew nodded his head before muttering, "Yes." 

“Well come on, then. You were the one originally skipping.” 

Matthew sped up to catch up to Gilbert and walked into step beside him. It was at that the two teens started their way down the sidewalk leaving the school behind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew and Gilbert go to Matthew's house, and we meet another character.

"Where are we going?" Matthew asked sheepishly. 

Gilbert shrugged as he responded, "I don't know. Wherever. Where do you want to go, since you were skipping first?"

"I wasn't skipping…" Matthew said quietly fiddling with the sleeves of his red hoodie remembering why he was in the hallway to begin with.

"Oh really? Then what were you doing leaving the school with your backpack?" Gilbert looked at him expectantly. They were quiet a moment while Matthew tried to think of something to say as they continued down the sidewalk.

"Why is your backpack so full anyways?" Gilbert said in an attempt to make conversation, recognizing that Matthew was shy.

Matthew pushed his square rimmed glasses up his nose so that they framed him violet eyes before stuttering out, "I was… cleaning out my, my locker."

Gilbert gave him a look. "Why would you do that?" He thought of his own locker with books and loose papers covering the insides and then looked at the heavy backpack on the other boys back.

"I didn't want anyone else to have to clean it out."

"You are one weird kid," Gilbert said after a moment putting his hands in his back pockets and looking forward again.

"And you're not?" The Matthew mocked as the other raised an eyebrow at him. Gilbert looked back at him and gawked, "How am I the weird one here?"

Matthew looked him and then responded, "Well, I mean, what normal person wears red contacts, eh?" Gilbert looked at him with a growing grin and amusement in his eyes. "…and, well, I don't know if you dyed your hair, but I doubt that is your natural color."

At that Gilbert exploded into laughter. He stopped walking to catch his breath from laughing so hard. Matthew gave him a quizzical look, while a small blush formed on his cheeks for thinking the white haired teen was laughing at him.

Gilbert let out a few more chuckles before responding, "My hair is natural, thank you very much, and my eyes are normally this color," he said pointing to his oddly colored eyes. "I'm albino. Awesome, right?"

"Albino?"

"Ja, you know, got no pigment and some shit like that."

Before Matthew could say anything Gilbert blurted out, "I'm hungry. We need to go eat." Then he looked at Matthew's backpack. "But first we need to dump the bag."

Sensing that Gilbert was about to leave his stuff in some nearby bushes, Matthew quickly responded, "My house isn't too far from here. I can go drop my stuff off there… I have to get something anyways."

Matthew's house was only about a ten minute walk from where they were. They walked most of the way in silence after Gilbert told Matthew to lead the way. Matthew wasn't sure how to handle actually being around someone after being alone so long. He knew the silence was a little awkward but had no idea what to say to the albino walking with him. Another drawback of being invisible: on the rare occasion that he was visible, he was very awkward. It didn't really matter how he acted around people, because soon after, they would forget him anyways, even the few people who noticed him enough that he would consider them friends completely forgot him now. This boy would forget him too soon, but that did not mean that Matthew wouldn't make the most of the company while he was remembered.

Matthew walked up to his average sized house pulling the key out of his pocket with a bored looking Gilbert following not too far behind. When he was about to put the key in the lock he noticed something. The door was unlocked. He stared at it a moment surprised. No one was supposed to be home today. He made sure of that when planning…

_No I can't think about it. Not now. Not when things are starting to look up for me. I was noticed, but… I will be forgotten. No! Don't think about those things! ...Not now._

While Matthew was having this internal battle, Gilbert was watching from a few steps behind him. His eyebrows scrunched up as he saw Matthew tense. Matthew had walked up to the oak-wood door slowly in that shy manner he had, pulled out his key to unlock it, and right when he was about to put the key in the keyhole, he stopped. He was now just staring at door slightly tense with his hand holding the key still frozen in front of the lock. Gilbert's eyes narrowed slightly. _I knew something was up._

"Everything okay, kid?"

Matthew jumped slightly being pulled out of his inner argument and daydream. He let out a shaky sigh. He knew by now not to tread on the bad things. It could lead to a breakdown, almost what just happened. He turned his body to look at the boy behind him whose face was full of… concern? Matthew stared for a second processing the look of the person in front of him. Nope, that look was definitely concern. It was hidden behind cockiness but still was concern. The question surprised Matthew and seemed to come out of nowhere, but Matthew responded almost right away after turning to face the albino.

"I'm f-fine. I just. I was just th-thinking…"

Gilbert gave him a skeptical look before accepting that he wouldn't be told more.

"Ok then, if you say so."

Matthew turned back to the door, and opened it up revealing the clean house on the inside. The boys walked inside, and Matthew told Gilbert that he just needed to put his backpack upstairs in his room and then they could leave. If someone would have told Matthew earlier that he would have someone in his house that could remember him for more than ten minutes and was planning on hanging out with him (even if it was skipping school and the person just seemed really bored) he wouldn't have believed them. Actually, he wouldn't have believed someone would seek him out to talk to him like that, but that isn't the point.

Gilbert followed Matthew upstairs and into his room. The house was pretty nice, nothing really special, just the average house of a middle-class family. The furniture and everything went well together, so someone spent the time to make sure the house looked presentable. Gilbert took note of the surroundings, but not enough to notice details. He never was one to be interested in home décor. Matthew stopped at the end of the hall on the second floor with a door on each side of the hallway. He opened up the door on the left and walked inside. Gilbert followed shortly after.

Gilbert looked around the room. There was a bed in the corner near the window and a small desk with a laptop and a small clutter of papers on it against the opposite wall. The floor had a few scattered clothes and random items here and there, including a hockey stick, but nothing really messy; much neater than Gilbert's own room. The walls were what caught Gilbert's eyes. There were a few hockey posters with teams and players he didn't recognize, and few smaller posters of random bands, nothing he was familiar with, and a Canadian flag on one wall. _So he is Canadian. Well, that explains the hockey and over-politeness._

Matthew had walked to his desk and dumped his backpack on it with a grunt. He opened one of the drawers in his desk and started rummages through it for some cash in case he needed it. He usually has some money on him just in case, but today he didn't grab any, since he didn't think he would be in need of it because… _No don't think about it!_

"Are you Canadian?" Gilbert asked looking at the flag, stopping Matthew's thoughts before he could start another internal battle.

Matthew looked up and beamed standing up a little taller than usual. He loved his vague Canadian heritage. It was one thing he liked about himself.

"Yep, I'm from Canada, the Great White North, the land of snow, maple syrup, and the best sport ever," Matthew declared now wearing a genuine smile.

Gilbert cocked an eyebrow at the little speech. He noticed the change in Matthew's attitude as he said this. _Wow, he really likes Canada._ He then looked at Matthew and saw him wearing a genuine smile that reached his eyes. _He should smile more…_

"Well that explains a lot," Gilbert said with a smirk.

"What do you mean?" Matthew truly didn't understand what it explained.

"Well, you just scream Canadian. You like hockey, say 'eh,' and probably like other Canadian stuff… like maple syrup!"

"W-when did I say eh?" Matthew asked his cheeks containing a slight blush of embarrassment.

"A few times when we were talking," Gilbert said flippantly. He looked at Matthew and noticed he didn't seem happy about it like the other Canadian things. "What's wrong with saying it? Is it bad or something?"

"Oh, n-no. It's just my dad doesn't like when we don't use proper English so I'm trying to break the habit." Matthew looked at Gilbert. "He's English… so he cares about stuff like that," he added as he leaned against his desk.

"Wait... you said we?"

"Ya, me and my brother, Al. You probably know him." Noticing Gilbert's confused face he added, "Alfred Jones? We have different last names."

Gilbert looked at Matthew intently. He knew Alfred. They had some classes together, and they did not get along. It was most likely because both of their large egos couldn't stand to be in the same room as each other, but neither of them would ever admit that was the cause. Gilbert looked at Matthew once more. He could see the resemblance now. Alfred had wheat colored hair and eyes blue like the sky on a sunny summer day, while Matthew's hair was a shade darker and a little longer, and his eyes were indigo, similar his brother's but with a purple shade. They also both had a hair that could not be tamed no matter the hair product used. Alfred had a small cowlick that protruded from the front of his hair that he named Nantucket to the disdain of everyone around. Matthew had a long curl protruding from the front of his head that always hung in his face.

"Mmm… I guess you look kind of like him." Gilbert tilted his head peering at Matthew through squinted eyes. "I can kind of see the resemblance."

Matthew was unsure what to say. Maybe the red eyes mean he has trouble seeing. If he was not invincible, he was mistaken for his brother and never at a good time. He tended to get beat up and blamed for things Alfred did. He suspected that people were so angry and in need to find Alfred that they overlooked the subtle differences of the twins' appearances and took their anger out on him instead. The beatings usually involved a Cuban that Alfred just loved to annoy, claiming that he was a communist. Matthew inwardly cringed at the memory. The Cuban was not weak in the slightest.

The quiet moment between the two that was quickly turning awkward was broken by a low growl coming from Gilbert's stomach and him proclaiming, "I'm hungry. Let's go eat."

Matthew snatched his wallet off his desk knocking a small box to the floor with a clatter from the metal inside as he was grabbed by the arm and led out of his room. This time, to his relief, it was closer to his elbow and not his lower forearm where the majority of his cuts were located. Being the courteous person he is, Gilbert didn't drag Matthew all the way out of the house, but let him lead the way once he dragged him out of his room. Matthew walked down the stairs with Gilbert trailing not far behind. Halfway down the stairs they heard a bang coming from the kitchen.

"What was that," Gilbert said stopping on the stairs.

Matthew stopped to look back at him. "Probably one of my parents. The door was unlocked earlier, so one of them is probably home."

"Alfred!" Matthew froze at the sound of his brother's name being called in a strong British accent. He turned to see a man standing at the bottom of the stairs with anger radiating off of him. The man had blond hair, pure green eyes, and large eyebrows that Gilbert's eyes couldn't look away from.

"H-Hi, d-dad," Matthew stuttered while fiddling with the seams of his red hoodie.

"Don't you 'hi dad' me Alfred! Why are you not at school?" the Brit snapped angrily at the Canadian.

"I-I'm n-not Alf-fred," the blond boy muttered looking at his hands as he fiddled with the seams of his hoodie trying to hold back tears. Gilbert was watching the scene fold out in front of him from his spot on the stairs behind Matthew.

"What did you say?" The older man gritted out through his teeth.

Matthew looked up and responded, "I'm M-matthew." That seemed to be the breaking point for the British man as his anger boiled.

"Don't you give me this about Matthew, Alfred! You are going back to school right now! Maybe if you attended, you'd be able to think of believable excuses!"

"I'm not Alfred… I'm M-matth-," his father cut him off.

"Stop making excuses, Alfred."

Matthew stared at his father for a moment before the tears started to fall. No one cared. His own father couldn't even remember him. Matthew started shacking as the despair surfaced inside of him trying to take over. _I hate it here. I hate them all. Why can't they remember? _ Matthew looked up at his father with saddness in his eyes begging for his father to realize he made a mistake. Not a moment later Matthew was running as fast as he could out of the house leaving an angry Brit and confused albino behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew runs, and Gilbert learns just how complicated last names can be.

_Clack. Clack. Clack. Clamp… Clamp. Clack. Clack. Clamp…_

Matthew stumbled yet another time while running as fast as he could down a sidewalk. A sidewalk where? He didn't know. After sprinting out the front door of his house, he just kept going. He didn't know where he was going, but all he knew was that he wanted to go away. He didn't want to spend another second around any of them. He didn't want to spend another second invisible. He didn't want to be a ghost to the world while he was alive. He just wanted to get away. He didn't stop when his vision was completely blurred with tears. He didn't stop when his side ached from the exertion. He didn't stop when he breathing became haggard. He was tired and sweaty. He was stumbling every so often from running so long, but he kept going. His face was red and stained from tears long run dry. His indigo eyes were full of despair and pain, not focused on anything.

_Clack. Clack. Clump._

He fell, his body hitting the ground with a thunk. He was too tired to move at first, but then he slowly bought himself to a sitting position. He let all his emotions hit him at once. No use running from them anymore: he would have to stop eventually. All of the fear, sadness, and depression he was harvesting inside hit him all at one time and he let all of those emotions out as he sat there. He started crying into his hands uncontrollably, breathing hard. His knees were tucked under his hands as he sat there crying.

The weather matched his mood. Over the time he got home to the time he started running, dark clouds invaded the sky and attacked the sun, overtaking the light in the sky during the battle. The sun lost the battle for the sky, and the large dark clouds loomed over the town blocking out the sun. The clouds looked like they would drop a storm on the small sun-loving neighborhood, but there were no raindrops falling now, not as Matthew sat there in the shadows of the clouds letting depression take over.

Matthew's tears created more despair than any storm could, and they didn't seem to be stopping. Matthew breathing became haggard as he was staring to have trouble breathing. _Why?... why? Why? Why? Why? _

"Just… why?" He mumbled to himself. _Why me? What have I done to deserve this? _He couldn't understand. Had he done something to anger God? He wasn't the most holy person, actually he wasn't religious at all, but he didn't want to put the blame on his family and classmates. It had to be him. He must have done something… and this was his punishment.

He once read that in reincarnation if you did bad in your past life, you were punished in the next. He must have been a horrible person in his past life to have the life he had now. He thought he must have murdered many people. The thought made sense to him. He was invisible because in the past he had done bad. In his mind, it explained how everyone could forget him, so he chose to believe it for a time.

He doesn't think about it much now, but whenever he tried to logically think about why his life was so horrible, it was all he could come up with. Some may think it was silly, but there are not many reasons he could ever come up with for his invisibility. How could everyone he meets forget him? How could they all overlook him and not see him standing there? Why couldn't anyone see him like they did others? Why didn't anyone ever seem to care?

His breathing was becoming more like hyperventilating by the second. His mind was invaded by thoughts of his original plan for the day. He would do it. He would go through with it this time. Them he remembered the red eyed boy from earlier, the one person who saw him in that hallway. _He probably forgot me by now._ Matthew's thoughts were bitter. _They always do._ Matthew gave up all hope and let the dark and despairing thoughts invade the rest of his mind. Any happy and optimistic thoughts lost to the hopelessness immediately. The battle was over. The depression had won.

Matthew sat there holding his knees. He was slowly getting control over his breathing. He knew what he had to do.  


________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Gilbert watched as Matthew ran out of the house with speed he never thought the Canadian could have. He just stood on the stairs looking out the door while his mind tried to figure out what had just happened. That man is Matthew's dad. His dad was calling him Alfred. Alfred was Matthew's brother. He said he didn't know anyone named Matthew. He… He forgot his own son.

Gilbert turned to look at the bushy eyed man that had yet to acknowledge the albino standing on the stairs. The British man was staring out the door his forgotten son had run out of. His mind had yet to figure out his mistake.

Gilbert was quickly filled to the brim with anger after realizing the blond man's mistake. He couldn't comprehend how someone could forget a member of their own family. Gilbert and his grandfather didn't get along well, and sometimes he wished he could forget the strict man, but he would never be able to. His younger brother, Ludwig, could be annoying and a stick in the mud with his stoic "follow the rules" attitude, but he could never forget him. He would never admit it out loud, but he cared very much about his family, especially his little brother. As much as Ludwig got on his nerves for ratting him out and nagging him, Gilbert still cared very much for his younger brother and would not want anything to happen to him. To Gilbert, he was the older brother, and, despite his little brother being more responsible, it was his job to protect him even if it didn't seem like he thought that way at times. He just couldn't understand how someone could forget their own brother, like Alfred, or their own son, like the green-eyed man in front of him.

He glared at the man who was still staring at the door confused. Gilbert was never the smartest person. He didn't have good grades, and some of the things he said didn't make much sense, but at that moment he understood much more than anyone would expect from him. Matthew was always forgotten. It made so much sense! Why he was so upset earlier. Why he was so socially awkward… Why Gilbert didn't recognize him before. He felt slightly guilty for that.

It was just earlier that week that he had been told about how he was oblivious to the world around him and "didn't give a damn about anyone but himself" and how "his annoyingly high ego would be the death of him." His friend, Elizaveta, gave him a huge speech about how he only cared about himself. He didn't remember what he did to set her off, but she was very angry and furious at the time. 

He'd been told similar things like that before by many different people, but never before had it affected him. Something was different this time though. Maybe because for once Elizeveta made a good point or worded it in a way that stuck in his head. It might have been because this time she really said what needed to be done. He could clearly remember that after she cooled down a little she told him verbatim that he "needed to step of his high and mighty thrown and notice the pains of the people around him."

No matter the reason, her words came back to him when he saw a depressed looking boy in his class. Before he would have ignored it completely, but today he didn't. He decided for once in his life to listen to what someone told him and just see what was wrong. He was thinking it would be something small, he could grace the thin kid with his awesomeness, and all will be well. Heck, maybe the kid would be so grateful he would worship at the feet of awesome or something like that. Gilbert was so very wrong in thinking that. He was now starting to understand that things were a lot worse for the kid then he originally thought. Now that he understood the situation, he knew he was part of it, but he would make up for his mistakes… starting now. At that moment he let his anger boil over.

"You bastard! You self-centered bitch!" He stood on the stairs, hands now in tight fists. The blond haired man whipped his head to face the albino.

"How dare you! I don't know who you are, but any delinquent skipping school with Alfred has no right to speak to _anyone_ in that way, most definitely _not me_! The man's green eyes were glaring out from beneath bushy eyebrows. Despite the anger he had, he would not stoop as low as to completely lose his anger on a teenager. He was still a gentleman, and gentlemen do not cuss out teens.

After more harsh words, Gilbert realized he would never get anything done if he continued to lash out at the Brit, though he did deserve it in Gilbert's mind. He needed to move fast, and he needed to find Matthew. He took a deep breath and tried a different approach.

"Mr. Williams," Gilbert stared his voice was calm but still full of malice coming out through gritted teeth. The blond man looked confused.

"Williams? I'm not a Williams, lad. I'm a Kirkland, Arthur Kirkland to be exact." He was really confused at the red-eyed boy's words. Williams? It rang a bell, but...

"Wait, but you're Matthew's dad. How is he a Williams and you a Kirkland?" Gilbert wondered out loud. Arthur's mind was still working through the albino's words, but the gears in his head were slowly starting to turn.

"…and what about his brother… Alfred's last name is Jones…" Gilbert was still splurging out the words circling around his head, trying to figure it out. Something clicked for Arthur.

"Adopted," he stated. Gilbert looked at him eyes asking for a better explanation.

"My… partner and I adopted the twins when they were younger. They had a hard life before. Their parents divorced before they could walk so they each inherited the last name of the parent that took them. Alfred went to live with Mr. Jones and Matthew…" Arthur paused his story about the past when realization hit him. Green eyes became wide as the gears in his head started moving at top speed.

"M-matthew… That was… Matthew," he mumbled out.

"Damn straight that was Matthew! The awesome me would never be caught with his hamburger obsessed brother!" Gilbert's anger returned as he glared at Arthur again. Did it really take that much to remember him? I know everyone can't be as awesome as me with remembering this, but still.

The wide green eyes turned towards the front door as Arthur raised a hand to his mouth letting a "Oh God," escape him.

"Oh God is right! But there is no time to sit here doing nothing! We need to find him!" Gilbert really didn't know what he was doing anymore. Sometimes he gets an instinct and lets it just take over the rest of him. It is one of the reasons he gets into so much trouble all the time, instinct just takes over, and he goes with it. This instinct was different than the rest. He knew that he needed to find this boy he didn't really know of until less than an hour ago. He didn't know or understand why. Hell, he didn't even know why he cared so much about this. He just knew he needed to find Matthew and fast.

"Do you have any idea where he went?" Gilbert asked.

Arthur shook his head. "No, I don't have the slightest idea." The man seemed a little out of it still staring at the door. He probably was upset for forgetting the younger twin. "Francis needs to know… It's unlike him to act like that," mumbled Arthur.

Gilbert didn't know who Francis was, but they needed to do something. Both knew something was wrong; they both understood that they needed to find Matthew, especially if he is acted different than usual.

Arthur turned to him and said, "We need to find out where he ran to. I don't have the slightest idea where he would have gone. You can go and check in his room and see if there is some clue as to where he went in it." He looked into the red eyes of the boy in front of him as he said those words. He was upset with himself. How could he mistake his own son? He knew this probably had happened often thinking about how Matthew responded. _Francis, Francis has to know where to look. He was always closer to the boy._

"I have to call Francis," was all he said as he walked in the kitchen leaving the albino still standing at the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me as allavengedromance on tumblr or @bethfrombackrow on twitter if you want to follow or chat!
> 
> (Also it's really weird rereading the early chapters again, while formatting it here.)
> 
> Also upcoming chapters have Matthew experiencing heightened suicidal thoughts.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gilbert investigates Matthew's bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings at end.

Gilbert felt weird walking into the bedroom without the owner. He wasn't sure why. He's been into tons of other people's rooms when they weren't there. Not too many, but enough where walking in one now shouldn't be awkward. Let's just say Gilbert chooses to live his high school life to the fullest. He supposed that it was awkward since he really didn't know Matthew - a fact that made finding out where he was much harder. 

Yes, they could just drive around and look for him, but they still might not find him. They didn't know what direction he went or anything for that matter. Matthew also didn't seem like the person to just wander aimlessly, but in Gilbert's case who knew, he barely knew the Canadian. Matthew didn't seem to know where he was going when he was ditching earlier, but with the way he reacted to Arthur, he doubted he was heading back any time soon. If he wasn't coming back, he was going somewhere, and Gilbert needed to find out where.

He closed the bedroom door behind him and did a quick sweep of the room with his eyes trying to find clues. He noticed the same things as before: the posters, the small clutter, the Canadian flag. _Could he have gone to Canada?_ Gilbert entertained the thought for a moment before passing it off. He wasn't stupid, Matthew may love the country, but he wouldn't run away there would he? He doubted it; they didn't even know if he was planning on running for good. He probably was just hanging out somewhere while he was calming down. He would probably get over it soon. That's what Gilbert would do if he was pissed or upset, but Gilbert was too awesome to get upset. Passing off the idea of Matthew hitchhiking to Canada, he continued scanning the room.

He didn't really know what exactly he was looking for. It was weird enough Matthew's dad was letting someone he didn't know search the house. Though, Arthur seemed a little lost in thought before, and might not have known what he was saying, just letting word vomit flow as his concern for his son grew. _He probably thinks we're good friends or something._ The thought made sense to Gilbert. Arthur couldn't remember who Matthew was so he definitely wouldn't be keeping track of his friends. Anyone would seem like a friend if they were seen just hanging out with Matthew at his house. Gilbert's short attention span made him switch his focus back to the room.

He took time to focus on the smaller things in the room that blended in with the small clutter that seemed so much smaller and neater now that he was really looking. His eyes landed on the hockey gear against the wall. Gilbert remembered Matthew's enthusiasm when talking about Canada.

"The best sport ever, huh?" Gilbert mumbled to himself. _Maybe he went to the ice rink._ Gilbert mused over this idea for a moment. Matthew seemed to be very fond of Canadian things, so wouldn't he go somewhere that would remind him of Canada? Gilbert personally loved Germany and German things, though he claimed to be Prussian. Prussia wasn't a country anymore, so the closest thing to it was Germany.

If something was up, he would want to be around German things or things to remind him of his time in Germany, some of those things being German beer, but that wasn't the point. Gilbert's ego increased as he felt that he solved the problem of finding Matthew with his awesome problem solving skills. Then he realized he had no idea where the ice rink was or if there was even one nearby. Arthur probably wouldn't know either since he seemed pretty clueless at the moment. Gilbert then remembered what Matthew's father was doing and wondered who Francis was.

Maybe he was one of Matthew's friends? It made sense to Gilbert. He just couldn't see how someone could just not have any friends. Gilbert couldn't remember anyone at the school being named Francis, but he guessed that it could be someone who wasn't zoned to the high school they go to. The albino wasn't too sure. Francis seemed too important to just be another teen. Maybe he was a family member.

It made perfect sense to Gilbert that a family member would be the first person to be contacted in a situation like this, even if he wasn't sure what the situation was. The real question was what family member it was. Gilbert took the time to think about it. He remembered what Arthur told him about the twin's childhood. Maybe his mom got married and that was his step-dad or something. Gilbert was still unsure, but the whole situation was confusing him. He wasn't prepared for all this drama and thinking, he thought he was just going to spend the rest of the day off school hanging out and possibly having his awesomeness praised.

Gilbert continued looking around the room seeing if he could find anything else about Matthew. It wasn't snooping. He had permission to do this, and, who knows, it could help find Matthew. After that thought passed through Gilbert's head, he let his curiosity take over and started what most people would consider snooping. Gilbert turned to the closet across from the two windows in the room. He opened the door and peered inside the small closet. It was surprisingly organized.

Nothing in Matthew's closet really stood out. There were normal everyday clothes similar to what the blonde teen was wearing when he ran off and a few pairs of shoes lining the bottom of the closet, nothing fancy. Gilbert closed the door unsurprised, he wasn't really expecting anything exciting, but you can never know.

After closing the closet door, he turned and looked at the bed on the opposite side of the room. Sitting on the bed was a worn stuffed animal polar bear. It looked white in the light coming in from the window behind it, but you could easily tell it wasn't as white as it once was. Gilbert went up to the bear with a soft smile. Matthew had the bear in a sitting position on the neatly fixed bed facing the rest of the room. Gilbert could easily tell that Matthew cared about the bear. As he got closer he realized the stuffed animal's head was leaning slightly to side making it look like he was questioning the albino in front of him, as if it was asking, "who?" 

Gilbert gave a small smile as he patted the worn bear saying, "Ja, ja, I will be out of here soon." He always had a soft spot for cute things.

Gilbert turned to the left and decided to look at the desk a little bit. If there was anything else in the room that would be of any use it would be in the desk. The bedroom was just too clean. He was now noticing how the "slight clutter" was really nothing more than hockey gear and a shirt or two. Gilbert could understand how the bedroom could be neat and organized. Very few teenagers could keep a room that way, but it could be done. There was just no way a teen could have a room this clean. It was like it was barely lived in or if it was just prepared for guests. It was odd, but many things about Matthew and his family seemed a little weird. There were good reasons for a room to be this clean, and he was sure one of them was the reason why this one was that way.

He walked up to the wooden desk and prepared to rummage through the three drawers it had on the right side. He disregarded the top one that Matthew rummaged through earlier and started with the middle drawer: Gilbert was never one to do things in the expected orderly way. He pulled it open fast prepared to quickly rummage through everything inside and stopped when he saw the contents. Inside the drawer was a plastic first aid kit. He stared at it for a moment in confusion. What was a first aid kid doing in one of Matthew's desk drawers? The kit was obviously heavily used. It wasn't snapped shut and there was a piece of the gauze sticking out of the side.

Gilbert stared for a moment unsure of what to do. He didn't know what he was expecting to find inside the drawer, but it was definitely not this. The average teenager did not have a first aid kid filled with gauze in their room. It could have something else in it. He didn't know exactly all of what it was filled with…

Gilbert reached forward hesitantly and opened the plastic box. The inside of the box was the complete opposite of the room. All of the objects in the box seemed to be thrown around in panic. Peering into the small box was like looking into an alternate universe: parallel to the one you were in, but yet so different you'd never understand how they were similar after taking a look. The chaos inside was mesmerizing. It was completely different from the tidy small room. The inside of the small box held all the secrets Matthew had been keeping. The chaos inside showed his true feelings that were never shown, and Gilbert was getting a look at those feelings without knowing.

Gilbert stood straight with a sigh. Everything was much more complicated than he thought. What am I getting myself into? He threaded his fingers through his white hair. As he turned away from the open drawer hand still in hair, he noticed a small black box sitting on the floor near the desk. He vaguely remembered the box fall from the desktop when Matthew dumped his backpack on it. The only reason he noticed it fall was because it made an interesting cling when it hit the carpet.

The box captivated him. He became curious the longer he looked at it. What could be inside? After what he found in the drawer, he didn't know exactly what to expect. There was an idea in the back of his head, but he was trying to ignore it. Despite his attempts, the idea was still there, adding everything he had found together, telling him what was inside. He didn't want to believe the thought. He didn't even want to think about it, especially the indigo eyed boy he met earlier doing something like that, but the thought was still there.

Gilbert inched towards the box on the ground. He now had a vague idea what was inside, but he didn't want to believe it, so he went to quench his distress by seeing what was inside. He leaned down and picked up the small box all while keeping his eyes on it. The bottom of the box was about the size of his palm and it was just tall enough that he would be able to curl the tops of his fingers over the edge of the lid. It was much lighter than he was expecting. With the cling sound it made when it hit the ground, he thought heavier metal might have been inside. Maybe it is some kind of special keepsake or necklace. Gilbert didn't think Matthew was the person to have something like that, but it still crossed his mind.

He himself had an iron cross from his father. He usually keeps it in a box when he isn't wearing it, but he wears it most of the time. He touched the front of his shirt wear his iron cross could be found underneath. Ludwig had one that he also wore; they were matching. It's one of those odd keepsakes family has that keeps them close when things go bad. It shows they are brothers and carries a memory of their father. Maybe Matthew and Alfred had something like that. Maybe it would make Matthew feel better and calm him down. Gilbert went to open the box, his first idea completely gone, and replaced by the better one that he could relate to.

The lid of the box slid off so easily that Gilbert was surprised it didn't fall off when the box fell from the desktop. The surprise didn't compare to the shock he felt as he saw what was inside. He gawked. There was no way. There was just no way. It couldn't be true… but it was. The contents matched his original idea, the one he pushed to the back of his head. His mind was going a thousand miles an hour; to him it seemed to be moving as fast as the speed of light.

He didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to believe someone would do that to themselves. Deep down he wanted to walk away, this was getting too much for the albino's mind. He had always been noticed and had friends. He actually was pretty popular. He was now realizing he never felt exactly like Matthew did now. How could he even begin to understand? This situation was much worse than he thought. Everything added together in his mind: the first aid kit, the box, the discomfort when Gilbert grabbed his arm… Gilbert's eyes widened slightly when he figured out the most likely reason why Matthew was tense at that moment.

He looked back towards the inside of the box. Staring at the shiny, thin slab of metal inside, two slabs actually – two small razor blades. The albino's red eyes reflected back at him from the surface of the blades. The red reflecting off of them was not sitting well with the albino, and it was worse with his imagination. The whole ordeal was a shock for the teen. He stayed there for a while thinking, giving him time for his thoughts and emotions to catch up to each other. After a few minutes they did, and he put the lid back on the box hiding the reflexive metal. He knew what he had to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on tumblr as allavengedromance or on twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat.
> 
> TW: Objects and references eluding to self-injury


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew is still missing, Arthur panics, Francis arrives, and Gilbert learns more things.

Arthur was having an internal panic attack. He was deeply worried for his quiet son. He knew he never paid much attention to him and sometimes forgot him, apparently more than he thought, but he never wanted to hurt the boy. Matthew was always the good child and seemed content with his quiet little self. Arthur was never one for emotions and touchy-feely things, so when Matthew acted fine, to Arthur he was fine so he didn't spend his time worrying about him. He was usually busy scolding Alfred for his latest antics. Raising Alfred was time consuming, because he was always getting into trouble. Not to mention the American had a craving for attention. He was always loud and had strong opinions on things, never thinking before speaking, so much unlike his twin.

Arthur walked into the kitchen contemplating what could be wrong with his youngest son. The lad had a hard life; the British man knew that well. Being split up from his twin brother was already hard on him as it would be any child. Arthur wasn't sure exactly how much that had an effect on the twins since they were not even toddlers when the split happened, but he knows it had some effect because when, if ever, they bought it up with Alfred he would get quiet. It was one of the few things that could make the American boy go silent. Matthew would act similarly, but it was less noticeable since he was always quiet and heard less. They believed it was because they were twins. Matthew had it harder though.

The Canadian was very close to his mother, probably because he spent his toddler years being raised by her in Quebec. She was a very caring woman that was the perfect match to be a parent to the shy boy. Their two-person family was one that belonged in a movie, but like a movie, something went wrong. She passed away when Matthew was still a child.

The child had to move from his Canadian home to live with his brother and father in America. He and his brother connected fast as if they had always been together. Another year passed and the father died of a heart attack. The man had been suffering from heart problems for a long time - the stress of his work not helping his per-existing condition. The heart failure wasn't completely unexpected, but for two five year old boys it was unreal. The boys didn't spend long in foster care before Francis and Arthur adopted them.

Arthur distinctly remembered when he met the twins. Matthew was clinging to his older brother tightly practically hiding behind him. Alfred was encouraging him to be brave saying something about being the hero and protecting him. Arthur smiled faintly at the memory.

They never really grew up, did they? Arthur frowned to himself. The boys hadn't been spending that much time together recently. Actually, they haven't been spending any time together at all. Alfred usually hung out with his friends leaving Matthew alone. Poor boy always had trouble making friends. Arthur supposed it wasn't too bad; Matthew seemed to have made a good friend. Even though he did come off as slightly… vulgar, he did seem to truthfully care about the shy boy.

Arthur started his search for the house phone, which for some reason never seemed to remain on the receiver in the kitchen where it belonged, while his mind wandered to thoughts of the friend of his forgotten son. He wasn't sure if he liked the boy. He seemed like some punk that was nothing but trouble. Not someone he would want his son associating with. Arthur trusted the choices Matthew made. Matthew would never hang out with a delinquent, and the boy seemed nice enough after he cooled down from his anger earlier. Arthur didn't blame him for losing his temper; he was about to lose his temper with himself knowing what he might have caused.

He wasn't sure exactly how much he trusted the red eyed boy. There was something that sent warning signs in the Brit's head, and he was starting to regret letting the boy roam the house freely. Right now he didn't have much of a choice. They needed all the help they could get to find Matthew since he kept so much to himself, and who better to help than one of Matthew's friends.

Arthur was a worrier. At the moment he was worrying the worst for the son he forgot, worrying so much he felt sick in the pit of his stomach. He didn't have it in him to worry about the odd looking boy currently trying to find where his son could have gone.

Arthur spotted the phone next to the toaster. He grabbed it fast and dialed a memorized number mindlessly and quickly. He held the phone to his ear as the panic really set in. He listened to the ringing in the phone; one ring, two rings.

"Come one. Come on. Come on." Arthur was panicking. What if Francis didn't pick up his phone? What would he do then? Francis was at work, and it's not like he had an office job where he was by a phone constantly.

Francis worked as a chef at a nice French restaurant not too far from the house. Francis was a very talented chef, which was good because Arthur's cooking could be used as torture. It's been a busy year for the Frenchman; starting as the head chef at a new restaurant was very time consuming. He wasn't at home as much as he used to be. He wasn't gone often either, it was just like he was working the average hours an adult would, but he used to be home much more in the past.

That was probably one of the reasons Francis and Matthew were so close: they were both home often and had time to bond. Arthur never really was close to the boy. He was a stricter man, not harsh in anyway. He just was not touchy-feely and was not one to show his feelings. Francis, on the other hand, was very emotional; Arthur even considered him to be a bit of a drama queen. But Francis was the perfect person to get the shy boy they adopted to open up. The attention was good for Matthew. Not to mention, Francis spoke French.

Matthew lived in Quebec for his early childhood, so he spoke Quebecois as well as English. He and Francis used to talk in their French dialects to each other all the time. Arthur was surprised that Francis spent so much time talking in his language with the boy because Francis did say how he thought Quebecois was a disgrace to his language. He never told Matthew he thought that. That is how Arthur first realized how much Francis really cared for their son. It was a small thing, but it made the two closer, and overtime, they had a very close relationship. Whenever Matthew was sad or sick, he would want Francis. If there was something he needed to talk about, he would go to Francis. Arthur supposed it was because Francis was more open with his feelings and it comforted Matthew.

Arthur, on the other hand, was not. He was never one to openly state his feelings in a dramatic theater fashion like Francis, or at all. Arthur was more of a confined man that tried his best to remain calm and gentlemanly. The one exception was when dealing with Alfred. Alfred had a way of pushing all of the British man's buttons at once and setting off his anger. He learned quickly he needed to keep a close eye on the louder twin to make sure he stayed out of trouble.

This is why he gave a blind eye to Matthew most of the time. He didn't need to make sure the meeker son stayed out of trouble because he was so well mannered and behaved. He really was proud of the younger twin; he just didn't show it well. Francis would claim it a British thing, taking advantage of a moment to take a jab at his country, but now Arthur blamed his son's reaction of being mistaken on bad parenting, his bad parenting.

The phone buzzed a fourth time. Arthur was really starting to hate the ringing in the phone. He continued muttering into the phone about his lover picking it up and that it was an emergency. He normally had decent patience when it came to phones and wouldn't stoop so low to the hysteria he was showing, but he took no notice of his action while his mind continued to wonder, and he continued to panic.

"Bonjour mon petit lapin. It is such a pleasure to have you calling me! Do you need something? You never call," Francis said in a voice meant for a Shakespearean comedy. Francis was surprised his husband was calling him, much less in the middle of the day. Arthur never called unless he absolutely needed to, and even then preferred not too because of the teasing Francis would pull.

Arthur stopped his muttering that was starting to sound like he was cursing the phone at the sound of French words coming out of the speaker. Arthur knew what the French man meant by "something." Bloody pervert. He normally would tell his husband that and proceed to use other British slang, but right now he could care less about the secretly perverted comment Francis had made.

"Francis," Arthur said straining his voice slightly.

At the sound of Arthur saying his name Francis knew something was wrong. Not something small either. Seriousness took over Francis' demeanor leaving the joking behind. He should have known something was wrong when Arthur called at a time like this. The British man would never call in the middle of the day when they were working unless to was an emergency.

"What is wrong, mon cher?" Francis' voice leaked the worry he was feeling, but his words held the seriousness he knew the situation contained, his voice never trembling.

"It-it's our son." For once Arthur's emotion was clear in his voice. His worry had built up and was escaping out in his words.

"Oh, what did Alfred do this time?" His voice contained less emotion than before. He had gotten calls before about having to deal with Alfred. The boy was prone to trouble, and his obsession with being the hero didn't help. At least he could get off of work if he needed to go up to the school. God forbid Alfred got into another fight while trying to "be the hero."

"It's not Alfred," Arthur voice shook as he realized he never called about Matthew before. He knew that Matthew was the good son, but does he not pay enough attention that Francis would suspect Alfred right away. He hoped it was just that Alfred got into trouble often, and not his forgetfulness. "It's Matthew."

"Mathieu?" Francis was shocked. It took him a moment to register what was said and who they were talking about, but when he did all the worry came back. He hoped no one hurt his Mathieu. He was so small and fragile. If anyone did they would pay. If he couldn't get revenge he would send an angry older twin to avenge the younger.

"Don't tell me you forgot him, you bloody git!"

"Non, I did not forget mon petit Mathieu. I was just shocked you were calling about him. Did anybody hurt him?" Francis' voice held a protective malice in the last sentence; it was not missed by Arthur.

"Nobody hurt him physically, but something is wrong with him. He just ran off on me. He wasn't acting like himself either."

Those words made Francis stand straighter and the gears in his head started turning. He knew better than anyone Matthew had emotional issues in the past. Nothing big, nothing to cause worry, just little things when they first adopted him. Occasionally something would happen to throw Matthew off.

When he was younger he was an outcast and was upset a lot. Alfred decided to become his hero and best friend, and Matthew carried around his stuffed bear Kumajiro more. When he was older, he exploded on Alfred once. It seemed he had a lot of pent up anger, so he joined hockey. He hasn't had any problems since he started hockey many years before, or so Francis thought. He knew in the past the things he worried about were small, and he couldn't help but to worry. Now, though, Matthew was older and this seemed to be a reason to worry judging by the way Arthur was acting.

"Tell me what happened mon cher."

Arthur proceeded to explain the events that happened while he was home for lunch. He told Francis about how he heard the boys on the stairs. He said with great regret in his voice how he had mistaken Matthew for Alfred and yelled at him. He explained Matthew's reaction with worry. Then he told Francis about Matthew's odd looking friend that was currently in the house. He held back information on the details of the short argument the two had, but mentioned the main parts of it so Francis would know everything. Francis listened intently the entire time.

"I don't know what to do. The way Matthew acted was so unlike him even when he is angry. I don't think he is coming back soon, and we really need to find him. I don't want him wandering the streets or sleeping in some odd place because he is too angry at me to come home," Arthur said quickly voice full of worry.

"It will be alright mon lapin. Matthew is a very smart boy; he wouldn't do anything dangero-…" Francis was cut off by Arthur.

"You don't know that for sure! He could be so angry he doesn't think properly! Would if he does something stupid just because he knows we won't want him to?"

"Matthew may not be acting like himself, but he would never do that. Just stay calm. I'm leaving the restaurant now and will be there soon. Then we can discuss what to do in detail and go find him."

Francis was very calm considering what he was told. He trusted that Matthew wouldn't do anything rash or stupid and that he was just cooling down somewhere.

"…Okay that sounds good." Arthur loosened his grip on the phone not knowing that he still held the deadly grip he had on it when he dialed the number.

"In the meantime, go see what Matthew's friend is doing. What did you say his name was again?"

Arthur stopped all though for a moment. His name? What was his name?

Arthur realized he hadn't taken the time to ask the boy's name before calling Francis. Actually, he didn't know anything about him other than the fact that he was friends with Matthew. Although he completely trusted Matthew's decision, he still wanted to make sure he didn't decide to hang out with someone who would be a bad influence and is just going through a rebellious stage. It could be the odd looking teen. Matthew had never acted out before and now he is caught acting out with a weird kid nearby.

"I didn't have the chance to ask. I'll go talk to him while you're on your way."

"Okay. I'll be there soon, mon petit lapin." With that the two men ended their call. Francis prepared to leave the restaurant for the day to hurry home.

Arthur decided to go up to Matthew's room and talk to his friend. He wasn't sure if he trusted Matthew's choice of friends. To him it seemed like the odd looking friend could be a bad influence on his son and that was why he acted that way earlier.

Arthur walked up the stairs, now calm after his call with Francis, and walked to the far door on the left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me as allavengedromance on tumblr and @bethfrombackrow on twitter.
> 
> Only a few more chapters before I'm past the stuff I wrote when I was an early teen (nothing boosts your confidence like reading old stuff)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gilbert snoops, Francis arrives, and the search begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings at the end. (Search TW: to jump)

Arthur opened the door to Mathew’s room and practically ran into the albino boy exiting it. The teen looked a little on edge and seemed slightly paler than usual. This did not go unnoticed by Arthur. He could see the panic in the eyes staring at him in surprise.

“Is everything okay, lad?”

Gilbert seemed shocked by his simple question, but answered quickly, “Yeah, I’m good, just… worried about Matthew.”

Gilbert didn’t know what to do at the moment. Well, He mostly just knew what to do when he got to Matthew. He had an idea where to look, so he didn’t think it would be too hard. It was just dealing with Arthur he was unsure about. 

Should he tell him? Gilbert was desperately trying to remember movies and stories that could inspire him. He thought that maybe he could handle it on his own, but at the same time it was a bit much. He didn’t exactly feel comfortable with the whole idea of Matthew self-injuring and wasn’t sure he could say it out loud, much less to his father. Who knew what Matthew’s reaction would be if he told, but what really worried him was how Matthew would react.

_Would he be happy about it?_ Gilbert highly doubted that. It would make Matthew more noticeable, but not in a way someone would want to be noticed. He wouldn’t have hidden it so much if that was the case. Even if he didn’t care about his father knowing, how would he feel about Gilbert knowing and being the one who told? 

Gilbert mused over this for a moment before deciding Matthew probably wouldn’t be too happy. Most people wouldn’t be happy if someone they barely knew went through their things, found out their biggest secret, and then told about it.

Gilbert was getting nervous thinking about what to do with his newly acquired knowledge. He really wasn’t sure Arthur could handle it. He could barely handle it, and he didn’t even know Matthew. Even if he went on his own and found Matthew, how was he going to go about stopping him from possibly killing himself? Just yell stop and hope he goes with it?

Gilbert had decided quickly after finding the blades that Matthew was planning suicide. It gave him an uneasy feeling in his stomach, one that almost made him feel sick. Knowing that someone could be out there hurting themselves was horrible. Just the mere thought was tearing Gilbert apart. 

The boy he had met earlier seemed pretty cool, shy, but that wasn’t a big deal. Once you looked passed how awkward you could tell Matthew was feeling, he really did seem like a cool guy. Gilbert would have never suspected Matthew to have this sort of life. He would have thought Matthew had friends who thought he was cool just like he seemed to be. He was wrong. Not wrong like Gilbert usually was wrong, not wrong like on his french test earlier in the week, but deeply, horribly wrong.

In reality, Matthew was very lonely. Not lonely like other people were, but actually alone. The fact hurt Gilbert. He was reminded of when his parents died. That day left him feeling alone, not lonely, but alone. He might have done some horrible things too if he didn’t have Ludwig with him. His being alone didn’t last long, Matthew’s did.

Gilbert was looking at Arthur standing in the hallway, glad he took the time to sort out his thoughts while he was still in Matthew’s room. He wasn’t sure he would have been able to pass off his nervousness for worry if he hadn’t. Gilbert clutched the small box currently in his pocket.

_Don’t worry, Matthew. We’re coming for you._

He wasn’t sure why he put the box in his pocket, but after staring into his reflection in the shiny blades, he put the lid back on, and hid it in his pocket. Something in him wanted to take it. He was suddenly glad he was wearing loose-fitting jeans. If not, he wouldn’t have been able to fit the small box inside his pocket, and most certainly wouldn’t be able to clutch it like he was now. 

Arthur had been talking to him when he was thinking. He heard what the man said, but he wasn’t actually listening. The accented words went in one ear and out the other. Something about a man named Francis coming in a few minutes? What else did he say?

Arthur started walking down the hallway heading towards the living room to wait for Francis with Matthew’s friend. He planned on talking to the odd looking teen there. Gilbert followed a few seconds after Arthur started walking. He quickly realized Arthur told him that he could wait in the living room with him. 

Gilbert wasn’t sure why they were waiting. They could easily get in the car and start driving around. He would be doing that now if he thought Matthew just ran out and didn’t have another motive in mind. Matthew couldn’t have gotten too far by now. It looked like he exerted a lot of energy when he first took off considering how fast he ran. If he believed Matthew just ran off, the fact would comfort him, but he was almost positive Matthew didn’t just run off. That was what scared him. It wouldn’t matter if he was tired. If Matthew wanted to kill himself, he would keep going. 

Gilbert sat down on the edge of the couch in the living room, and was already having trouble sitting still. He was too restless. He wanted to be out and looking. He wanted to start searching now. He had a few ideas about where the other teen was heading, and knew it wouldn’t take too long to get there by walking. The images of what could be happening, what could have already happened, were flooding Gilbert’s mind.

He glanced at Arthur who had just sat down in the matching chair next to the couch. _Maybe I should tell him… If I tell him, we could be out there right now… No! You can’t tell him! It would make Matthew feel worse when he finds out! He wouldn’t want you to know…_ The argument in Gilbert’s head continued.

Arthur looked at the white haired boy sitting diagonal from him. He didn’t say anything at first, but chose to take in the appearance of the teen. 

_So this is Matthew’s knew friend… This is the boy that could be the reason behind Matthew’s actions. _ Arthur inwardly frowned. He had too much pride to say, even to himself, that someone he helped raise would do this on their own accord. Instead, he chose the put blame on the boy sitting near him. He wouldn’t judge the teen. Anything he said could change his previously established opinions, but right now Arthur was weary of his presence in his son’s life.

Arthur noticed the teen seemed a little on edge. His eyes were darting around the room every so often. Arthur wondered what could be eating at the boy. It couldn’t just be Matthew. Although what has happened was pretty big, it was _that_ bad. It could be worse. Matthew could be out there doing something bad, and not just in danger of being out there. 

Arthur decided to distract the boy from his troubling thoughts with the question that had been eating at him.

“What is your name?”

Gilbert turned to meet green eyes hiding under bushy brows looking at him curiously. He supposed he should have expected this. He was going to be questioned. That’s why they needed to wait for someone else probably, so that Arthur can know who the random person next to him was.

“I’m Gilbert,uh, Gilbert Beilschmidt.” 

“Well, It’s nice to official meet you Gilbert,” Arthur said, not forgetting his manners.

After the small exchange, they were quiet. Neither of them knew what to say and, instead, focused on their own thoughts. Arthur had other things he wanted to know, but was unsure how to ask them. Gilbert just didn’t know what to say. 

Gilbert didn’t like the silence. _Why does this have to be so awkward?_ Despite his dislike for the silence, he didn’t break it, afraid he would let something slip.

The silence in the living room was broken by the sound of the front door opening. When Arthur heard the faint sound of the doorknob turning, he practically jumped up to meet a blond haired man entering the house. 

In their embrace, Arthur let out an exasperated, “Francis.” The Frenchman leaned down and kissed him softly; Arthur responded to the kiss right away. They broke away from each other, and Francis let out a small chuckle.

“You must be very worried about Mathieu. I’ve been here for a few minutes and you have yet to say anything insulting to me.” 

A blush slowly overtook Arthur’s face. Francis let out a smile and leaned down to whisper in the Brit’s ear. “And you even let me kiss you. I knew you couldn’t resist me.” 

Arthur’s face became redder. “Shut up, Wanker.” Arthur averted his eyes from the Frenchman that still had a firm hold on his waste. Francis chuckled again.

As Francis went to kiss his husband again the couple heard a cough and were quickly reminded they were not alone. They both turned their heads to see a confused albino looking at them.

Gilbert had decided to follow Arthur after he raced for the door. He wanted to see who this Francis guy was since Arthur put so much faith in him. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he was definitely not expecting to see two adult males making out by the door.

He stood confused for a while. _What the…?_ He was surprised to say the least. For the short while he knew Arthur, he did not expect him to swing _that_ way. Then that left him with the other thought. 

_What does this Francis guy have to do with Matthew?_ He had an idea, but he wasn’t too sure. The family seemed odd, so anything was possible.

He cleared his throat and coughed to get the attention of the two adults. He was unsure of what to say, but he sure as hell wanted something explained. Luckily, he didn’t have to start the conversation. The man he assumed was Francis spoke first.

“Ah, this must be Mathieu’s friend you told me about.” The French man was addressed Arthur who mumbled something that sound like, “Yes, you bloody git.” 

The French man then let go of his flustered lover to address the albino properly.

“Hello, I am Francis Bonnefoy. It is a pleasure to meet you, and who might you be?”

Gilbert looked at him for a second questioningly. _Was this guy serious?_ Gilbert glanced at Arthur. _Why the hell would he want some sort of drama queen involved in this?_ Gilbert was still trying to figure out everything that was going on, and he was worried about the time they were wasting on small things. 

“I’m Gilbert, but, uh, who exactly are you?” Francis gave him a look and then glanced at Arthur.

“Why, I am Mathieu’s Papa.” Gilbert continued looked at him, and Arthur seemed embarrassed. 

“I thought Arthur was Matthew’s Dad.” Francis couldn’t help but smile at how oblivious the teen was being. 

“Oui, he is. You know Matthew is adopted, yes?” 

Francis was teasing Gilbert instead of just saying they were gay. He enjoyed messing with people like this, and if Matthew didn’t inform his friends, then this was bound to happen. He didn’t understand why he hadn’t. He was sure his son wasn’t embarrassed of them, and he knew the kids at school didn’t care. Alfred told all his friends, but then again, Matthew was not Alfred. It probably just didn’t come up.

“Oh.” Gilbert was inwardly hitting himself for being slow. Of course they were married. Why didn’t he see it before? He put the blame on too much happening to him in one day. He normally was not this unawesome.

“Yes, _oh,_” Francis said smirking at Gilbert. He scooted closer to Arthur before throwing an arm around his shoulder.

“He is my cute husband!” He knew he didn’t have to say it, but he wouldn’t let an opportunity to embarrass Arthur pass by.

Just as he predicted Arthur turned red and averted his gaze. He stood there crossing his arms in a childish manner. He muttered a colorful insult quietly to himself, but the other two heard him.

Gilbert rubbed at his face briefly stating, “As wonderful as it would be to dwell on this lovely little relationship you have here, I believe we have a Canadian to find.” Gilbert was not going to let himself be distracted for long. They were wasting too much time chatting. They needed to get going before it was too late. He couldn’t believe he let himself get distracted.

Francis’ mood seemed to change when he was reminded of why he was home in the first place. He scolded himself for forgetting. He needed to focus.

“Ah, yes, we should start looking. I will check some places in town Matthew might have gone to, probably the ice rink. Arthur, you can search around the neighborhood. He might just be wandering around here somewhere blowing off steam.” Francis turned to look at Gilbert, his expression much more serious than before. 

“If you have anywhere you think he would have gone, I would suggest looking there. If not, you can come with one of us, or stay here in case he comes back. It’s up to you.”

Gilbert was celebrating on the inside. This was exactly what he needed to be told. He kept his composure, trying to look calm, and not cause worry.

He stated, “Actually, I have some places I want to check in town if you could drop me off down there on your way to the rink.” This was perfect. It would be much faster than walking like he originally planned.

“Okay, then you can come with me.” Francis turned to Arthur and pressed their foreheads together.

Gilbert couldn’t hear all of what they were saying, but was sure Francis was comforting Arthur.

In a few minutes, they were split up starting their search. Arthur was in his car driving around the neighborhood, and Francis and Gilbert were in Francis’ car heading towards town.

They were only in the car for a few minutes, and Gilbert was already restless. The short silence allowed his thoughts of what could be happening escalate. What if they were already too late because he was an idiot and took time to make small talk with Matthew’s parents?

The box in his pocket seemed to get heavier and heavier as time went on. He sat still, but, nonetheless, he could feel it against his leg in his pocket. He tried fiddling with his hands to distract himself. It didn’t work. He glanced to his left at Francis in the driver’s seat.

Francis looked more nervous than him. He must have been a very good actor to seem so calm when he was talking to Arthur earlier. His hands were gripping the wheel tightly, and he was leaning forward. He seemed more fidgety than Gilbert was in the living room earlier. 

_He must really care about Matthew._ Gilbert turned to look out the window hand on the outside of the pocket holding the black box. Gilbert glanced out of the corner of his eye to look at the clearly worried French man. _Maybe I should tell him._

He peered out the window. He should tell someone. He doesn’t have to say anything, but he should tell. From what he figured out while talking with the other two earlier, Francis was closest to Matthew, so maybe he would know something. Maybe he could prove all of Gilbert’s assumptions wrong.

Gilbert looked at the lump in his pocket and bit his lip. If he told, he would have to be careful about how he went about it. In the end, he would have to tell. Someone should know in case they were already too late.

“Is there something wrong?” Francis asked, looking at Gilbert from the corner of his eye. “You seem on edge.”

_It’s now or never._ Gilbert made his decision. “Actually, there is. I, uh, found something in Matthew’s room that’s worrying me.”

Francis looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Gilbert dug in his pocket trying to get the box out. Once he got the box out, he held it on his palm for a moment. Francis glanced at it confused. Then, he looked back the road. They were getting close to town. Gilbert took in Francis’ expression before lifting the lid.

The lid slid off just as easily as the first time, and his reflection gave him the same uneasy feeling as before. There was something about the blades that made him want to slam the lid back on the box, but at the same time he couldn’t. 

Francis watched as the albino opened the box in one swift movement. He seemed really on edge. Francis didn’t understand why until he saw what was inside the box. Razorblades. His eyes widened slightly.

“You found this in Matthew’s room?” Francis breathed the question out. Maybe they were spare blades for his razor. Matthew was all about saving the environment and probably thought using new razors for shaving all the time was bad. Francis frowned. His excuse didn’t make much sense. Matthew had trouble growing facial hair. He didn’t need to shave often. Francis looked at the blades again. Then what were they for?

“Yeah, it was on his desk.” Gilbert looked up to survey the blond, considering if he should say more.

Francis’ mind raced. The first thought that came to his mind was bad, too bad for Matthew. There was no way Matthew would hurt himself… right? His petit Mathieu wouldn’t do something like that, but he knew there was a chance. He used to watch Matthew closely when he was younger, and whenever something was wrong, he would fix it. He hasn’t paid much attention to Matthew recently, so how would he know what was going on with his youngest son?

“You don’t think that he…” Francis trailed off, not wanting to acknowledge anything lest he make it real.

“Yeah, I do.” Gilbert looked at the blades while he answering. In his mind, he saw Matthew doing it. Why did it hurt so much to think about it?

Gilbert looked up to see the French man giving a weary look to the contents in the box. He probably should say more.

“Okay, now would be a good time to explain some things, because I think there was a misunderstanding when we met.” Francis looked at him with interest, not sure what the albino was going to say.

Gilbert confessed, “I’m not really Matthew’s friend. Well, no, I am, just not in the way you guys were thinking. I just met him today. I think. I don’t really know that much about him like you guys seem to think.” Gilbert looked at the man driving to see his reaction.

Francis was looking at the road with an expression that only told that he was pondering what he was told. Francis looked at Gilbert out of the corner of his eye and gave a small smile.

“You are a really good friend.” 

Gilbert sat there for a second confused. “What?”

Francis chuckled. “You barely know mon fils, and you are doing all this to help him. That is very kind of you.”

Gilbert sat there unsure of what to say. He couldn’t help but remember the things Elizaveta told him. She said he was uncaring and never did anything to help others. That he would be the person to knock down someone’s books and never help pick them up, and that it really annoyed people. She said something about other’s gratitude feeling good, and how great it felt to help others. He always thought it was a bunch of bull, but now he was thinking otherwise. He would admit that he cared about Matthew for some reason. He didn’t know why, but he felt like he _had_ to help.

He would admit it felt better to be praised by Francis than told how horrible he was by Elizaveta. He supposed he deserved it. He pulled a few too many pranks that day and made his brother’s friend, Feliciano, cry. He didn’t mean to. He wouldn’t purposely make the cute Italian cry, but it happened. He guessed after all the crap he did that day it pissed Eliza off a little too much. He was making up for it now and was doing that by helping a new friend. A small smile formed when thinking about the blond he met earlier that day.

Francis glanced at the expression on Gilbert’s face and chuckled to himself. When they found Matthew, he would have to make sure they remained friends. Then he remembered what was found in his son’s room.

“About what you found, I’m still not sure about it. I know Mathieu very well, and it’s just… it’s not something I can see him doing.” 

Gilbert leaned against the door so that he was facing Francis more. He really didn’t get it. He didn’t understand the danger here. He didn’t know Matthew well, but his family seemed to think very highly of him. They wouldn’t even consider him doing something like this, but Gilbert knew better. Hiding things from his own family was his expertise.

“I’m sorry to say this, Mr. Bonnefoy, but you’re wrong. I think anybody is capable of it, and I think he does do it. I’ve only known him for a short while, but maybe a new pair of eyes needed to look at the situation.” Francis nodded as he turned a corner.

“I understand what you’re saying. I’ll have to talk to Mathieu when we find him.”

Gilbert was going to say more, but the car stopped. They had pulled over to a curb in town. The town was basic and small. There were many shops and restaurants, and people walking on the sidewalk going to the various stores. It was similar to an outdoor mall you would find in many large cities. 

“Thanks for the ride.” Gilbert got out of the car and leaned back in the open door.

“Oh, and if I find Matt, do you mind if I talk to him for a while before having him head home to you guys?”

“Hmm, of course. If you don’t find him in about an hour or so call us so we know to keep looking,” Francis proposed.

“Will do, Mr. Bonnefoy.” Gilbert closed the door and patted the roof of the car twice before taking a step back. He watched Francis drive away to the ice rink, and then started walking down the sidewalk.

There were quite a few people out for it being a work day. _Must be the lunch crowd._ Gilbert skillfully avoided running into a man in a suit. He wasn’t paying much attention to where he was walking. His eyes were on his destination, a bridge connecting the parallel coasts of a large river.

It was the first place that came to mind when thinking of where Matthew could have gone. It was the first place he that came to mind when he thought of where he himself would go. If Matthew was going to make an attempt now, he was going to jump. As far as Gilbert knew, Matthew had no other means on him, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it. Matthew was polite and wouldn’t want to get in anyone’s way, so he could use the river to dispose of his body. 

After the thought came, Gilbert knew he was right. Matthew could easily walk there from the house. It was horrible how easy this was, and the fact that Matthew was invisible to most people just made it worse. Who would stop him if no one could see him? Gilbert picked up his pace.

He was really starting to hate that damned river. Why the hell did it have to be so fast? Why did it have to be big enough to require a tall bridge to allow cars to pass it? Stupid boats not letting the bridge be closer to the water. He wouldn’t care if the whole thing just dried up -- he couldn’t swim in it anyways. Then, Matthew couldn’t kill himself.

Gilbert was getting close to the bridge and started to look at all the faces that he was passing. He mentally went through what Matthew was wearing when he ran out: a red hoodie and jeans. _Okay, that part was easy, now to spot him._

Gilbert was glad for Matthew’s clothing choice. Most people were wearing short sleeves, so a hoodie would stand out. _Damn, why did so many people need to walk on the bridge? Why the fuck did they feel a need to have sidewalks on either side of the bridge?_

Gilbert ran up to it when he got closer. He was intently scanning the crowd now. _He has to be here; he just has to be._

Then he saw him. At first, he only caught a glimpse of a curl. Then as a person moved away, he saw him.

Matthew was standing in the middle of the bridge. He looked horrible. From far away Gilbert could tell he was breathing heavily. He didn’t glance at any of the people walking around him, but stared out towards the water. He walked towards the fence blocking him from his long fall. He didn’t climb it, but gripped it, still looking out at the water.

Gilbert started to run. He ran into a few people and muttered apologies. As he got closer, he started calling out to Matthew. It was as if Matthew was in his own little bubble unable to hear the world around him. Gilbert tried screaming louder.

“Matthew!” He cursed silently to himself. _Why wouldn’t this kid listen?_ “Matthew!”

He got closer and closer, but Matthew still didn’t acknowledge his existence. Matthew griped the fence tighter ready to go over it, and Gilbert leaped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat.
> 
> TW: References to self-injury and suicide methods
> 
> I'm trying not to edit too much while reposting, so that this upload is similar to the original, but, wow, is it hard not to shorten and combine chapters. Adult me recognizes the exposition is long.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew has a plan and Gilbert finds Matthew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings at end (To jump search TW:)

Matthew walked down a sidewalk in town silently. He was slouching, but his head was held high so that his eyes could survey the crowd of people passing. His eyes were full of sadness and longing, but behind those emotions was determination.

He knew this was it. These were his last moments. He was determined to get to the bridge as soon as possible so he could end all the pain. Despite his want to end it sooner, he still walked. 

Even though he wanted everything to be over, he still longed for a reason to stay. That was why he couldn’t get himself to look down as he normally did. He looked at every face he passed. His red-rimmed eyes scanned all the people around him as he walked.

He was longing for just one of those people to notice him. They didn’t need to say anything, just look, crack a smile like average people did when they locked eyes with others. He knew a smile was asking for a bit much, but he still hoped for someone to look at him and not through him.

It didn’t help his mood knowing that all these people couldn’t see him. They passed without a glance. They didn’t see his messy hair. They couldn’t see how his once clean hoodie was now dirty and disheveled. They couldn’t see the bags under his begging eyes. Not one of them saw the occasional tear that ran down the teen’s face.

_Why do I care? It’s not like something will change now._

He glanced at the bridge. He could see it now; he was getting closer. A small bit of relief came over him. He was tired from running and walking. His breathing was still haggard. He didn’t take the time to stop and catch his breath. He didn’t really care if he was out of breath when he died. To him it made no difference.

_It’s almost over._

He gave a small smile. He really would miss the world. Not all of it, not even most of it, but all the little things that made him happy: the way the snow looked on a winter morning before it was disturbed by anyone, the joy of cheering for his favorite hockey team, the simple task of making pancakes. He would miss all the little things like that.

It was sad that they all could be ruined by loneliness. As others woke up, he would watch them playing in the snow with each other longing to be with them. At a hockey game, he knew none of the fans around him would remember him or even knew he was there. To them he was just an empty seat in a stadium of many. The knowledge ruined the feeling of being part of something. He could make all the pancakes he wanted, but nowadays, it was only him eating them. Alfred used to make him cook pancakes, but he had his own friends to eat with.

Matthew really hated that word, forgot. How many times did he have to listen to people use that as an excuse? They would always say, “I just forgot,” and smile like it was fine. It wasn’t. Matthew knew it. He had a feeling if they knew how much they “forgot” him, they would too. Oh well, now they wouldn’t have to worry about that awkward moment when they realized Matthew was there the whole time. It wouldn’t be happening again.

He wondered how long it would take them to remember he was gone. He had a feeling it would be while. Though, when Arthur questions Alfred why he ran out earlier, he supposed they might figure something out… or just be very confused. It’s happened before. 

He wondered who would be the first to realize he was gone. Who would realize something was missing in their now smaller family? Alfred might if he needed money or forgot some big paper he needed to write. He tended to remember his brother the most when he needed something. Arthur, well, he wasn’t too sure about Arthur. The two were never close, so he didn’t know how his mind worked all too well, but he supposed that was a reason to suspect it wouldn’t be him. Then there was Francis.

He didn’t have a clue about Francis. His papa was one of the few people he would truly miss. He hoped Francis would remember him when he was gone, but he wasn’t too sure anymore. His papa was just too busy with life. He had his own dreams to follow, his own work to be done, and his own problems to face. He no longer had time for an invisible teen.

Matthew didn’t blame him; he couldn’t get himself to. Francis had remembered him when no one else had. He had given him special attention and went out of his way for his son. It was only a matter of time until Matthew moved into the back of his mind as well.

Despite all that, Matthew still respected him the most. Francis tried the hardest to remember, and lasted the longest. It wasn’t his fault his son wasn’t unique and blended into the world around him too well. It had to be hard to be the only one who remembered someone living amongst people who always forgot. Then again, it was hard to be the forgotten person as well. 

A cold wind blew through the streets. Matthew shivered and put his hands deeper into the pocket of his hoodie as he looked up at the sky. _A storm must be coming soon._ He wasn’t sure. Sometimes the weather in the area liked to play tricks on the townspeople, but Matthew liked to think he had a good sense of what was to come weather wise.

He noticed he was almost to the bridge. A giddy feeling overwhelmed his insides before being overshadowed by guilt. What normal person became giddy at the point of death? Matthew supposed it made sense. He wasn’t normal. He wasn’t like the other people. Normal people had friends, hung out, and could be seen. He was beyond a wallflower. What he was was much worse, and the worst part was that he didn’t choose to be like this.

As he neared the bridge he wondered what would happen after he jumped. He knew he wouldn’t have any problems going over the edge. No one could see him so no one would stop him. That much he knew, but what would happen afterward?

Would he just disappear? Would the world turn black, and then cease to exist? Would he be reincarnated into something? Would there be an afterlife? He always liked to muse over the fact of him ending in an afterlife. It was a popular belief, one that was always talked about, heaven and hell.

He wondered where he would end up. Some people believed he would go to hell just for dying this way. He found that amusing. They didn’t know, but the hell for people who committed suicide was the life they lived. If they go to hell, it couldn’t be worse.

No, he didn’t think that would be why he went to hell if he ended up there, but then there was the thought of heaven. He’d done pretty good in his life considering his “condition,” but he didn’t think he did that good. He just couldn’t see himself in front of the pearly gates after he reached the water. 

He decided on another belief, purgatory. He could see himself having to get his soul cleansed, whatever that meant. He wondered if someone would tell him what was wrong with him after he died. He hoped so. It wasn’t a mystery he wanted to carry on for eternity.

None of it really mattered now. He would find out soon. He had reached the bridge.

He would never be able to properly describe the feelings that came to him when he stepped onto the bridge. It was such an odd mixture he couldn’t identify it all. He felt a feeling and it’s opposite all at once. It was similar to the happy sad feeling people often get but more complex. He didn’t dwell on it but kept walking.

He was surprised at the amount of people on the bridge. There was a steady stream of cars passing to and from the coasts of the river. There were quite a few people walking down the sidewalks on either side of the bridge. More than would be expected on a weekday, but not as many as there were on those warm summer weekends. 

Of course he would be surrounded by people when he jumped. The world would make one last crack at him and his invisibility before he died. He didn’t let it get to him. He couldn’t. What more could it do? He knew no one would see. It didn’t matter that there were more than he thought to look through him in his last moments.

He chose to ignore the people walking and make believe it was just him walking. It was easy. That was how he felt. He took a glance out at the water.

A wave of peace swept over him as he turned his body to look. It was a beautiful site. It wasn’t postcard beautiful; it wouldn’t create a picture one would put as their computer background, but Matthew found himself admiring its dark beauty. 

The sky was filled with gray clouds moving around in wisps. Behind them were lighter clouds exaggerating the dark. The world was light, but the sun was not visible. The water below was not a pretty, clear blue, but a dark color, one that could be compared to a saturated navy. The clouds reflected on the waves of the fast moving water creating an effect Matthew found beautiful.

Many people wouldn’t notice the scene. It was one of those things that somebody would have to stop and really look to notice. It was one of those things that few could appreciate, only those who took time to notice the things around them and find something amazing.

Matthew was still out of breath from all the physical exertion he had done, but he ignored it. He walked up to the fancy chain linked fence they had to prevent people from going over. 

Matthew had found it funny the fence was an artsy chain linked pattern since the day he dubbed the bridge as a way to end his life. Not many people in the area must hate their lives. If so, they wouldn’t have made the fence so easy to climb over. It didn’t bother Matthew; it just made what he planned to do easier.

Matthew looked out at the water from his spot on the bridge. He put his hands on the fence in front of him closing his fingers around the wire.

_This is it. This is the end._

He had nothing left to do, but he still stood there. He looked at the world in front of him again taking in every detail of the scene. This would be his last image; he wanted to enjoy it.

He was looking out at the water when he heard someone calling his name. The sound didn’t have any effect on him. It was as if he didn’t hear it at all. 

Matthew was a very common name. He stopped turning every time he heard it long ago. It always was a horrible feeling to turn when people were really talking to someone else. He heard the name being yelled a few more times, but before he could process it, the back of his mind had already wrote it off as a parent trying to get the attention of their child.

That was how his mind learned to work. It did what it could to prevent disappointments. When his name was called it was tuned out. The habit was a good thing before, but now as he planned to jump, it wasn’t. For the second time that day, he didn’t notice a pair of red eyes on him.

He spared one last look at the world before taking a deep breath. He gripped the fence and prepared to jump.

It happened fast.

One moment he was holding the fence preparing to jump, the next he was in the air, and the next he was on the ground with someone on top of him. He had been tackled to the ground. He groaned from his spot on the pavement sore from the fall. He opened his eyes to meet the worried eyes of the person on top of him.

“G-Gilbert?” Matthew asked surprised._ What is he doing here? And why did he just tackle me?_

Gilbert didn’t know what to do. He acting on impulse and ended up tackling Matthew. It seemed like a good idea when he was doing it, but now it left him in an awkward situation. He should of thought of what to say to Matthew on his way. Now he was at a loss for words.

“Um, hi, Mattie.” _Really smooth, Gilbert. You just tackled him to the ground to stop him from pelting himself off a bridge, and all you can say is hi?_ Gilbert was mentally hitting himself. He really didn’t know what to do in these kinds of situations.

The greeting just confused Matthew more. He had no idea what was going on. Not only was he remembered, something that gave him pleasant feelings, but he was tackled to the ground. Not to mention, the person who tackled him was still on top of him. A deep blush over took his face.

“You-your kind of cr-crushing me.” 

Gilbert realized he hadn’t moved yet, and stood up embarrassed. He held out his hand to help Matthew up which only made the Canadian wonder what was going on, but he took the hand anyways.

“Yeah… sorry about that.” Gilbert started to rub the back of his neck. He wasn’t sure if he should bring up the attempted suicide or the blades. He planned on seeing where Matthew’s head was at and working from there. He didn’t want to say anything to set him off.

“If you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?” _And, why did you tackle me?_ Matthew wanted to add, but he had a feeling of what the answer was. He was overcome with happiness when the thought that Gilbert maybe did it because he thought Matthew was going to jump, which he was, came to him. He decided not to ask and risk finding out otherwise. He wanted to continue thinking it was because the other cared.

Gilbert did a happy dance in his head at the question. He had planned this one out. It was the one thing he knew he would need to know coming here, so he had thought it through. It was an odd occurrence for something he planned to work out.

“We were going to hang remember? You ran out, so I found you since we didn’t have lunch yet.” 

Matthew just stared at him for a second. There was no way this guy remembered who he was, and actually _looked_ for him just for lunch. Now, he felt bad for leaving him at the house when he ran out. 

“But, how did you know I’d be here?” 

Gilbert took a moment to consider how to answer that one. He would have to say he knew about Matthew if it came up. He couldn’t lie.

Gilbert explained, “Well, we all split up to search, and I asked Francis to drop me off in town because I-” 

Matthew cut off what Gilbert was saying shocked. “_We?_ Who was looking for me, and what about Francis?” There was no way this was happening to him.

“Oh, well, I kind of screamed at your dad when you left.” Gilbert cracked a crooked smile. During their conversation, they started walking off the bridge and towards town. Well, Gilbert started walking, and Matthew followed.

“You fought with _Arthur_?” Matthew was convinced this was some sort of dream. Maybe he did die, and this _was_ some sort of purgatory.

“Yep, no offense, but he is an idiot. Alfred must get it from him. Francis is pretty cool though.” Matthew was at a loss. What had happened when he left?

“Uh, I’m lost at what happened.”

Gilbert explained, “Oh, well you see, after me and Monster Brows fought he was like, ‘Oh no!’ And he decided to call Francis, because he wanted to find you. Then Francis came, and I saw them making out by the front door. It must be weird having two dads. Then, we split up to search. Arthur went to drive around the neighborhood. Francis went to the ice rink, but he dropped me of here in town first.” 

Matthew listened intently to what Gilbert said. He smiled at Gilbert’s nickname for his dad and his bad impression of a British accent. He blushed at the mention of his parents kissing. _Well, at least he has nothing against it._ He was glad. Some kids wouldn’t be too welcoming if they knew he had two fathers.

He was shocked at how one fight escalated into a full out search. They must really be worried. Matthew felt conflicted. He had a feeling the panic was caused by the albino in front of him. Gilbert must have said something that made Arthur worry, and it set off a chain reaction.

“Then, I should get home before they start to worry more!” Matthew exclaimed ready to bolt.

“No you don’t,” Gilbert stated.

Matthew paused. “But you just said they were out looking for me.”

“Yeah, but I told Francis that I thought I would find you, and if I did, we would hang out for a while. If I didn’t touch base in an hour from when I was dropped off, they could stop looking because I found you and we were hanging.”

Matthew just looked at him as they continued walking. He was confused and his emotions were a mixed mush. 

“Oh, okay. Then… what are we doing?” 

Gilbert grinned at him. “Whatever we want, but first… lunch!”

Matthew guessed he should have suspected that. It was the thing they were planning on doing in the first place, but he had no idea what was happening; so for the second time that day, he just went with it and followed the weird teen.

He didn’t know what was going on anymore. Everything seemed a bit too good to be true, but it helped him forget about his despair for a while. All he knew was that today was turning out to be a weird day. He decided he would have to figure it out, because for some reason, he had a bad feeling about it all. Everything just seemed too unbelievable, but for now he’d accept it and get some lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!
> 
> Please let me know if I'm forgetting any common triggers or if I have made any typos while reformatting for AO3.
> 
> TW: Depressed thinking, suicide attempt


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew and Gilbert get lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings at end (to jump use TW:)

The pair of teens found themselves in a small sandwich shop not long after the encounter on the bridge. Gilbert hadn’t planned very far ahead, and dragged Matthew into the first restaurant he saw. The blond didn’t mind. He was still confused about everything and was just going with it.

Matthew sat quietly looking at his sandwich. It actually was a nice little deli place. When you got your sandwich, it came with chips and half a pickle on the plate. They even had those little number things for your order. He ate a chip silently without looking at the albino in front of him. The whole thing felt awkward to him.

Gilbert was racking his brain for something to say. He didn’t know much about Matthew, and he didn’t want to make him feel any worse. He had no idea why Matthew was trying to kill himself in the first place, and he didn’t think he could just ask. He just needed to find out about him, and then, maybe, he could tell him that he knows.

Gilbert bit the bullet and asked the first question that came to mind. “So how come I haven’t seen you around school?”

Matthew froze taking a bite of his sandwich and his grip on the food tightened. He slowly put down the sandwich his high spirits dwindling. He bit his lip. “It’s because I’m invisible.” 

The words were said in monotone, but you could tell that the fact upset him. Gilbert realized his mistake in asking. He didn’t know what to say, but he now learned that it was a touchy subject. He let out a nervous laugh.

“No you’re not. I was just saying like in the halls in stuff. I was thinking you had sports or just sat with a different group at lunch.”

“I don’t sit with anyone at lunch.” Matthew was refusing to meet Gilbert’s eyes and, instead, started to find his food very interesting. 

Gilbert was surprised. _Surely he has friends._ The way Matthew was acting made him doubt it. Maybe he found the reason behind Matthew’s issues? It seemed like it to him, but he needed to be positive. For once in his life, he was going to be attentive and think everything he did through. He was afraid he would do something that could upset Matthew more.

“Then you’re sitting with me from now on.” Gilbert took a bite of his sandwich as if what he said was nothing. Matthew on the other hand thought otherwise. 

“Really?” Matthew couldn’t help but let the question slip. He had sat alone for a long time. Just the idea of having someone else nearby was enough to lift his spirits.

“Well, yeah. We’re friends now, and that’s what friends do.” Gilbert gave a funny look to the blond after seeing his new attitude.

Matthew gaped at the other.

“Are you okay?” Gilbert questioned after noticing how quiet Matthew became.

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine.” Matthew looked back down at his food with a smile before eating a chip. Gilbert let out a small laugh.

“Good, ‘cause I thought I lost you there.” 

Matthew’s smile faded slightly as he looked up at Gilbert. _He couldn’t be talking about…_ Matthew’s smile faded all the way. _I knew there was something up. He doesn’t care. He just wants to play hero for a little while… Just like Alfred._

Gilbert paused after a moment noticing exactly what he had said. He glanced up from his food for a moment taking in the other’s expression. He let out another nervous chuckle.

He tried to backtrack by joking, “You were just staring out into space. I was thinking aliens got your brain.” _Aliens Gilbert, really?_ He sighed to himself. Why couldn’t he talk like normal? He usually was really smooth, but today, not so much.

Matthew scolded himself for letting his thoughts turn sour so fast. Did he really not believe that he had made a friend for once? Despite his scolding, he couldn’t help but think the alien comment sounded like his brother.

He had nothing against his brother, but, being his twin, Alfred was supposed to always be there for him. When they were younger, Alfred promised he would always protect him and be his hero, but now Al can’t even remember he has a twin.

Gilbert was reminding him too much of Alfred. He may seem genuine, but it won’t last long. He decided it was best to remain wary of Gilbert. He didn’t want to be let down if he found himself friendless again. He would have to keep in mind that Gilbert was just another Alfred for now.

The silence between the two didn’t last long. Gilbert soon found the need to try normal conversation again. This time he was successful, even though it was mostly him talking. 

Matthew chose to sit quietly and listen to the other, adding a thought or two every so often. He found Gilbert’s antics amusing. Gilbert told stories about some of his past pranks with commentary on his thoughts of everyone and everything.

Matthew learned a few things about Gilbert from his stories. He had a younger brother named Ludwig that he loved to annoy, though Matthew could tell Gilbert secretly cared about him. Matthew was good at reading people, and he knew, even though Gilbert had complained about him many times in the conversation, that he really did care. He also now knew that Gilbert hated school and the majority of the teachers, but one would be able to guess that knowing his personality.

Gilbert enjoyed their conversation. He felt relieved at how much Matthew already looked better. _This might be easier than I thought._ He smiled to himself. _It’s because I’m awesome._

“Okay, Mattie, tell me something,” Gilbert proposed leaning back into his chair casually, a picture of bodily comfort. Matthew looked up from taking a bite of his sandwich.

“What?” Matthew questioned through a full mouth. Gilbert shrugged popping another chip in his mouth.

“I don’t know. I’ve been talking this whole time, and I can’t eat and talk. Say something about you.” Gilbert was curious about Matthew. He knew quite a bit about him that he probably shouldn’t, but he had no idea who he really was. It was a little unnerving. 

Matthew bit his lip. He knew he shouldn’t be shocked that his new “friend” wanted to get to know him, but he wasn’t prepared for the request. He had no idea what to say. He was socially awkward. It was a fact. He feared if he said something stupid Gilbert would think he was just some weird kid and leave, or worse make fun of him. It was a stupid fear, but that didn’t stop him from getting it every time he was put in social situations.

“Uh, I-I’m Canadian?” Gilbert cracked a small smile.

“I know. We talked about earlier before you ran out.” Matthew blushed. 

“Where did you live in Canada?” Gilbert asked between bites. Matthew looked at Gilbert. He wasn’t going to laugh at his stupidity? Actually, he didn’t even look like he thought Matthew was stupid at all. Matthew felt himself relax. 

“Quebec.” Matthew voice had a quiet longing tone to it. He remembered his time with his mother. He was little at the time, but he still had memories of it. He held onto those memories like a lifeline, always had. 

“Cool! That means you speak French, right?” Gilbert’s smile grew.

“Oui,” Matthew joked.

Gilbert laughed. “Dude, that’s awesome.” 

Matthew gave a smile, small but genuine. 

The two continued to talk about Canada for a little while. Gilbert refused to believe that Matthew could be violent, even if it was only hockey. Matthew just laughed at him, and told him how others are actually scared to play him. Gilbert laughed again at how excited Matthew was when it came to hockey, and this time Matthew joined in.

He hadn’t laughed in such a long time. It was an odd feeling, but it was one that he welcomed. At first he didn’t even recognize that it was him. The noise had become a foreign one. All those good feelings had been gone for far too long. Now, with the renewal of some of his happiness, he felt amazing. He was literally high on happiness. 

Lunch ended too fast for Matthew. The two teens had talked a little after finishing their food, but not long. They paid and walked out of the small restaurant. 

Matthew looked up at the sky. The clouds had started to clear off letting the sun shine through. The dark clouds were still there, but it seemed they were retreating and that rain would come another time. The world felt warmer now that the sun was out.

“Looks like we’ll have some good weather for the walk back, and I thought it was going to rain.” Gilbert was standing next to Matthew also looking up at the sky.

“Yeah,” Matthew agreed.

The two started the long walk back to Matthew’s house. He didn’t realize how far he ran until now. He always thought it was close, but walking back now, he realized it was actually a decent distance. Gilbert was thinking how lucky he was the he got the ride from Francis. If he had to run this distance, he wouldn’t have made it to the bridge in time.

The walk back was peaceful. They didn’t talk as much as they did in the restaurant, but kept to themselves instead. The whole day had turned out to be eventful in ways neither teen expected.

Matthew expected himself to have been dead by now. Instead he went to school, and everything changed. Everything still seemed like a dream, but he was slowly coming to terms with it all. He glanced at Gilbert. Whether the albino knew it or not, he saved his life. 

It was something that would not be easily forgotten. Not because he saved him, but because he was planting the seeds of reasons to stay. Matthew now had a friend, one that would probably remember him tomorrow. Something like this hasn’t happened in a while, and it made Matthew feel ecstatic. 

Gilbert would have never expected anything like this to happen. He was a go with the flow guy, but this was something that didn’t happen. When he walked out of the school, he thought it would be an average day. He felt good about himself now. 

It’s not every day he gets the chance to show off his awesome and save someone’s life. The only thing that made it better was that Matthew was a pretty cool dude. Once he got comfortable and started talking, he was actually pretty funny. _Almost as awesome as me… almost._

They started to reach Matthew’s neighborhood after a while. Matthew decided he probably should think of something to say to his parents when he got home. He couldn’t tell them what he was doing, but he had to say something. He wondered if they would be mad. He really didn’t want to be grounded.

____________________________________________________________

Francis drove in silence as he left the ice rink. His son wasn’t there, but after talking to Gilbert he had a feeling he wouldn’t be there anymore. He had a feeling the odd looking teen was going to be the one that found Matthew.

He was glad Gilbert was around. It was nice to know that Matthew made a friend, a good friend at that. Francis smiled. He seemed like a good kid, but he knew he was a troublemaker. The teen reminded him of himself when he was young. Maybe he would take Matthew out of his shy shell a bit.

Francis’ smile faded as he remembered the conversation the two had in the car earlier. He glanced at the empty passenger’s seat. He could still see the box of blades in his mind’s eye. He gripped the steering wheel. It couldn’t be true, but it was the only thing that made sense.

He stopped at a red light and ran a hand through his long hair. He didn’t know how to start a conversation like that. In the past, he could talk to his son about everything, but this was different. As much as he hated to admit it, something was up.

Why would Matthew be somewhere in town anyways?

It seemed unlike him. In the past when Matthew was upset, he would spend time in a place with good memories that held significance to him. He knew he hadn’t spent much time with his son recently, but he couldn’t see something happening in that time that was big enough for him to go there in a time like this.

Francis eased of his brake, and started moving again. He would have to decide if he should bring it up with Arthur first. The British man would act in one of two ways: he would brush it off as nothing or make a commotion about it. Francis was thinking it would be the latter.

He should talk to Matthew first. He didn’t know if the assumptions were right, and he didn’t want to make a commotion of something that wasn’t true. He hoped Matthew would be in a good enough mood to talk about it after hanging out with his friend.

He pulled into his familiar garage and parked his car. After unbuckling, he let out a sigh. It was probably nothing. They always overreacted when it came to their kids. They really needed to stop doing that. Things were getting too stressful.

He noticed his car wasn’t the only one in the garage. Arthur was already back. He needed to go tell him that Matthew was fine and just hanging out with a friend for a while. He went into the house to go talk to his husband and convince him that their son was not getting abducted off the streets. Francis chuckled. And he is supposed to be the overly emotional one.

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew’s house came into view not long after they entered the neighborhood. Matthew wasn’t nervous about getting home anymore. The day had turned out to be a good one, something that hadn’t happened in a while. As they neared the house Matthew broke the silence between him and Gilbert.

“Hey, Gilbert?” Their walking slowed as they neared the house.

“Hmm?” Gilbert looked at Matthew out of the corner of his eye with his hands in his pockets, similar to how he walked when they first left the school.

“Thanks.” 

To anyone else it would seem like he was saying thanks for hanging out, but Matthew meant more. He knew Gilbert probably wouldn’t get the real meaning, but he felt that it needed to be said anyways.

Gilbert understood more than Matthew realized. His eyes softened at hearing the other’s voice so full of emotion. 

“Any time.” 

He meant it, and hoped Matthew would get the message. Gilbert looked up at the house they stopped in front of.

“Well, I’ll see you around then.” He patted Matthew on the shoulder in a friendly manner.

“Okay.” Matthew waved as his new friend walked away. 

He turned to his house and let out a sigh. It was now or never. He didn’t want to confront his dad after running out on him, but he knew he had to. Before, he didn’t know what he would do, but now he had a newly found courage. 

The day had been eventful, and it wasn’t over yet. He decided, like most things that happened since he woke up, to just go with the flow. It worked before so maybe it would work in confronting his parents. He took a breath and walked up to the ever familiar house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat.
> 
> TW: references to past suicide attempt and references to past self-injury


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew has dinner with his family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers Warnings for mentions of self-harm continue, but I'll add more details at the ends of chapters for anything beyond brief references.

As predictable as Matthew’s family could be, they still always were able to surprise him. They were more complex than meets the eye. As much as he observed them, they always did things that seemed out of character in his point of view.

Matthew tended to observe the people around him. Being forgotten all the time, he became quite good at it. He used to try and guess how people would react as a small game with himself but could never do that with his family. 

Their personalities appeared simple, but they were still complex. It was nice sometimes to never be able to expect how they’d react, but in times like this, it was not something Matthew enjoyed. He had no idea how his parents would react to the way he acted earlier. It made him nervous about being home, but he put on a brave face and entered only to be met by surprise.

For the second time that day, Matthew was tackled randomly. This time he managed to stay on his feet because he saw the tackler before they leaped. 

He had walked into the house trying to be quiet. He failed as the door closed loudly. After the click of the door a booming voice broke through the house.

“Mattie!” The voice dragged out his name. Alfred’s bright, enthusiastic face appeared at the end of the hallway as he sprinted full speed towards his brother. 

Matthew was thoroughly surprised. Just earlier that day his brother had looked right over him; now he was in a death grip hug.

“Mattie! Don’t do that again! We were so worried! I mean, how could you just run out like that? It’s _so_ not cool!” It took the Canadian a moment to decipher what his brother was saying because of the speed he was talking and the lack of oxygen going to his brain. He cracked a small smile when he figured it out. It seemed like Gilbert’s actions had gotten everyone to remember.

“Al, ca-can’t breathe,” Matthew weezed. As usual Alfred didn’t hear him and continued his ramblings. 

“Alfred let go of your brother. You’re not letting him breathe.” A stern accented voice broke Alfred off. 

Arthur had walked up while Alfred was squashing the younger twin. Arthur let out a short smile at first before realizing Alfred was not going to let go. He let out a sigh. Alfred could be overdramatic, almost as bad as Francis. He was acting as if Matthew had nearly escaped death, except he was grinning.

Alfred let go of his brother and let out a laugh.

“Sorry, bro.”

Matthew laughed sheepishly with a small smile on his face. “Thanks, Al.” 

Alfred’s smile grew. “No problem because I’m the he-“

Arthur butt in, “Alfred, don’t you have homework to be doing?” 

Alfred crossed his arms and let out a pout causing Matthew to smile. “Yeah, but-“

“Then why don’t you go do it so I can talk to Matthew?” 

Alfred looked at Arthur and then back to his brother.

“Fine,” Alfred grumbled before walking away. Arthur watched him head towards the stairs. He had a feeling Alfred wasn’t going to do homework, but he would worry about that later. Right now, Matthew was his top priority.

Matthew became stiff at his dad’s words. _Oh no. He is angry. He is going to be so mad. God, why did I do that? I’m going to be in so much trouble. He probably hates me now! He…_ His thoughts were cut off as Arthur hugged him.

His eyes widened. This is something that was very unlike his father to do. It was one of those moments was surprising in a good way. He slowly felt himself relax. The hug was awkward, both parties not used to being this close to the other. Matthew was still trying to figure everything out. Arthur wasn’t angry? 

“I’m very sorry, Matthew.” Arthur let go of his son and stepped back. Matthew stared, shocked.

“Wh-What?” The Brit gave the younger blond a small smile.

“I’m very sorry for how I acted. I understand you are probably still mad and with good reason, but I would hope you could forgive me,” Arthur stated sincerely. Matthew continued to stare at his father. 

“I…” Matthew didn’t know what to say. Was he really apologizing for confusing his twin sons? Usually when someone forgot him, they apologized, but not this heartfelt. What did Gilbert say to make him this upset?

“You had us worried sick, you know?” Arthur put a hand on Matthew’s shoulder. Matthew looked up into his green eyes seeing the sincerity in them.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” Matthew stuttered. Arthur smiled down at his son and chuckled.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Matthew let a genuine smile escape him. 

The two stayed in silence for a few moments. It wasn’t awkward like before. It was nice, and something that made Matthew feel much better than when he had walked through the door earlier in the day. 

Arthur was the one to break the silence.

“Now I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I believe you missed half a day of school hanging out with your friend, meaning you missed some work.” Arthur’s voice was not stern, it was not strict, and it was not a voice for punishing. It was soft and joking. “Why don’t you go find out what homework you have from Alfred?” 

Matthew nodded. “Alright, dad.”

Arthur watch as his next son went up the stairs with a small smile on his face.

Francis observed the exchange with a smile from a spot nearby in a doorway. When he heard Matthew walk in, he originally was going to go and talk to him, but stopped when he saw Arthur was already speaking with their son.

He was glad he chose to stay back. It seemed like they had actual made progress in their relationship by only saying a few things. Besides, it wasn’t his time to talk. As much as he wanted to run up and hug his son he knew Arthur was the one who had to talk to him, and for once he had done a good job of it. Matthew seemed to be in a better mood than what was told he was like earlier. Francis was starting to think maybe Gilbert and Arthur had overreacted. 

“That seemed to have gone well, mon lapin,” Francis complimented. Arthur turned to look at Francis with a small scowl.

“You say that as if you expected it to go horribly wrong.” Francis couldn’t help but chuckle. He just loved teasing the Brit.

“Well, despite you being from the country home to Shakespeare, you are quite bad at using your words. It’s a British thing. Don’t worry; I don’t blame you.” Arthur became red as Francis just grinned.

“Shut up you bloody frog!” Arthur turned and stormed off towards the kitchen with Francis following behind.

_______________________________________________________________

Alfred was upset that he was forced to go upstairs. You can’t just tell him that his twin brother freaking snapped and ran off and expect him to leave when he finally gets home. He was already impatient about Matthew getting home before he arrived. Alfred hadn’t been home long, but he was never the patient type.

Alfred groaned as he leaned back on the coach from his spot on the floor. He had taken refuge in the game room upstairs. They had the room so when the twins were younger they had somewhere to throw all their toys around and leave a mess. Now it housed a TV and all of their game systems. 

Alfred had the Left for Dead startup screen on the TV and the volume turned down low. He really could care less about the game at that moment. He was straining his ears to try and hear the conversation going on downstairs. 

To no avail, he understood nothing. He could occasionally hear their voices as mumbles when he was really straining his ears, but nothing more. It was very frustrating.

_Arthur’s not yelling so he must not be mad._ At first the thought seemed good for Alfred. It meant Mattie wasn’t getting in any trouble. Then, his mind escalated to the worst. 

_What if something bad happened to him and that is why he isn’t in trouble?_ Alfred stained his ears more to try and decipher the emotions in his younger brother’s voice, but he could barely hear it when he could. Damn his twin’s soft spoken voice!

He started trying to think of what was wrong with Matthew. He wasn’t sure, but there was something wrong. Something really bad must have happened to make him act that way to their dad of all people. With a shiver, he remembered the time Matthew snapped at him before he joined hockey. There was definitely something wrong, and he was going to find out what it was.

He continued trying to hear the conversation downstairs. Whatever was bothering Matthew earlier seemed better now. He had smiled at Alfred’s hero line, and Alfred was sure if he wasn’t forced up the stairs he could have gotten his brother to laugh.

Laughter was the greatest medicine after all. Alfred smiled. He would have tons of time to make his bro laugh later. Arthur couldn’t talk to him forever.

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew walked up the stairs feeling better than before. He would have to find a way to make it up to Gilbert. He wasn’t stupid. He knew the reason his family was acting like this had something to do with Gilbert and what he told Arthur. Whatever happened had a chain reaction.

He wasn’t complaining. Actually, he was pushing those thoughts to the back of his mind. He wanted to believe his family really cared and that things would stay this way.. 

On his way to his room, he passed the game room where Alfred was sitting on the floor with a controller in his lap. 

“Hey, Mattie!” Alfred called. Matthew stopped in the doorway to look at his twin.

“Yeah, Al?” Alfred took on a serious look despite his smile.

“You okay?” Alfred asked. Matthew smiled at his brother.

“I’m good,” Matthew said honestly. Alfred’s grin grew.

“Awesome! You want to play?” Alfred indicated to the remote in his hand.

“Maybe later. I want to unpack my backpack first.” 

“Okay, bro. Come back when you’re done.”

“I will.” Alfred watched Matthew’s figure leave the doorway as he walked away. He made himself comfortable against the couch.

“He is such a liar.” The words were muttered to himself as he started the game.

Matthew continued into his room. He opened the door and rubbed the back of his neck while looking inside. It was so clean. If he took out his backpack and hockey gear it would look like a room that belonged in a model home. 

He had forgotten he spent all that time cleaning in the morning. It felt like ages ago. His room really looked like no one lived in it, a complete lie since he spent all his free time there. 

He sighed as he shut the door behind him. No one was supposed to be living in the room by this time, but, as always, life had an unexpected surprise waiting for him. He couldn’t decide if it was good or bad. Life never was nice to him before so it would make sense for it to just smack him in the face a few more times before saying goodbye. He shook his head as he started going through his backpack on his desk taking out various books. Now wasn’t the time to think about it.

It was hard not to think about it while unloading his backpack. It was stuffed to the brim, so that he had to take out multiple books just to get to the ones he wanted. How had he carried that thing all the way home? He stacked all the books he took out on the desk and sat in his chair. 

He leaned back and looked at the ceiling. He was physically and mentally exhausted despite it only being the late afternoon. It had been a long day, and all he wanted to do was rest. Wait, no, he didn’t want to go to sleep. What if this was all a dream and he woke up back to his average life?

He groaned as he pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes. He really needed to stop thinking like that. He finally had a friend; he didn’t want to scare him off. Not to mention, his family was paying excessive amounts of attention to him.

It was a lot to take in in one day. He was stressed. So much could be going wrong. How did he even get here? This morning he was as good as dead and now he is sitting at home with everyone talking to him as if everything was normal, as if they were a normal family, and he never was forgotten. 

He let out a deep breath as he sat up. Life just got much more complicated. As if it wasn’t complicated before. When he thought about it longer, he realized it really wasn’t complicated before. He knew what was going to happen. He was just letting his hope get in the way. 

Either way, it wasn’t too complicated. He had a routine. It wasn’t a good or healthy one, but it still was a routine. He supposed now that things were changing he should stop his “routine.” It wasn’t good to injure himself every time something went wrong. 

He let out yet another sigh. He needed a distraction. All this thinking was getting to him. He decided it might be best to do as Arthur said and figure out what his homework was from Alfred. He could get started with that until dinner.

He paused. Dinner. Dinner in their house was a family thing. They were one of those families that sat down every night to eat a meal together. It wasn’t bad even if Arthur wanted them all to talk about their lives. He read something about communication in a parenting book a long time ago, and Francis thought it was a good idea. 

Matthew never minded. He didn’t ever have to talk much. He chose to listen to Alfred exclaim the happenings of his day and occasionally get in an argument with Arthur. The only time he had to talk was when Francis asked him to, and when he did, he never had to say much.

He had a feeling today he would have to do a lot of talking. With how much his family was ogling over him, he was expecting lots of questions. He groaned. His day just got much longer.

_______________________________________________________________

Gilbert walked into his room kicking discarded clothing out of the way and plopped down on his bed. His room was messy with clothes all over the floor. His bed wasn’t fixed properly with the sheets just thrown over where the pillows should be. There was a wire bird cage in a surprisingly clean corner of the room where a small yellow bird was housed.

Gilbert stared up at his ceiling deep in thought. Today had been a long day. He was mentally and physically drained. The stress from earlier took a toll on him; it wasn’t something he was used to.

He went through the day’s events in his head. So much had happened; it was all hard to digest. It seemed like an odd dream, but he knew better. This was real. Everything that happened was real, and it was still happening. In the moment, he was acting on instinct and gut feelings. He wasn’t really paying attention. 

He replayed his memories of the day. He couldn’t believe how much he missed when it was happening. Needless to say, he felt like an idiot for not adding everything up sooner. He now vividly remembered Matthew flinching under his hand when he grabbed his arm. He felt sick. He knew what was wrong now. His mind flashed back to the drawer in Matthew’s desk. 

He didn’t want to think about it. The idea that the guy he spent the day hanging out with had done that was hard to believe. Matthew was an awesome dude. He couldn’t understand how everyone forgot him. He would have to do something about it. They had school tomorrow, so it was the perfect time to start. 

His arm brushed his pocket feeling something inside. It took a moment for him to register it, but when he did, he sat up fast. He pulled the black box out of his pocket and fell on his back. He groaned as he put his hands on his face.

He didn’t tell. He never told Matthew that he knew about _everything._ He got so caught up with talking to him, he forgot all about it. He put his hands down and just stared at his ceiling.

It wasn’t all that bad, right? He didn’t _have_ to tell Matthew. It could be bad to tell him anyways, especially so close after his… attempt. Yeah, that was it. It was good he didn’t tell. Gilbert held the box up and looked at it as he lay there.

He could tell him later if he wanted to. It’s not like he missed his only chance. He let his arm fall with the box. _Everything is going to be fine._

He lay there a few more minutes just thinking before his door burst open revealing a tall, muscular blond.

“Bruder, how long have you been here?” Gilbert’s brother, Ludwig, demanded from the door. Gilbert leaned up on his elbows to look at him.

“Oh, hey West. What’s up?” Gilbert said casually. Ludwig took a long look at his older brother. 

“Is… Is everything okay? You seem out of it,” Ludwig stated cautiously.

“Oh, yeah, I’m doing awesome.” 

Ludwig gave him one more look before continuing, “How long have you been home, Gilbert?” The albino looked at his younger brother. _There is no way he knows I skipped._

“I got here not long before you.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah really,” Gilbert faked confidence.

“Well, Antonio wanted me to tell you hi.” Ludwig continued to give his brother the “I know what you did” stare.

“Okay.” Gilbert was now sitting at the edge of his bed facing his brother.

“Don’t you have an afternoon class with him?”

“Yeah, why?” Gilbert was smirking. He knew what his brother was doing. Ludwig knew Gilbert skipped school, but had no proof.

“Why would he ask me to tell you hi after just seeing you?” Ludwig was getting frustrated. He knew Gilbert was out doing _something_ the better part of the day. He just didn’t know what.

Gilbert didn’t miss a beat when responding, “It’s Antonio. What do you expect?” 

Ludwig looked irritated.

Gilbert’s smirk grew. “Did he say anything else?”

“No, Lovino was there.”

Gilbert chuckled, “So I guess we were also told about being potato bastards or something?” 

Ludwig sighed, “Pretty much.” 

Gilbert laughed, and put his previous thoughts to the back of his head. He would have plenty of time to worry about it later. Right now he just wanted to relax.

_______________________________________________________________

“Dinner is ready!” 

Matthew looked up from his homework at the sound of his Papa’s voice. He closed his Math book leaving the paper he was doing his problems on inside to mark his page and got up with a sigh. 

He heard Alfred bounding down the stairs at the call of food. He cracked a smile and started heading downstairs towards the kitchen. He was probably overreacting. Why would dinner go any different than before?

Matthew walked into the kitchen right after Arthur to see Alfred already filling his plate with food.

“Alfred! You are supposed to wait for everyone before you make your plate!” Arthur was behind looking irritated. Matthew smiled. No matter how hard he tried to drill proper manners into his son’s head it never had any effect on the older twin.

Alfred turned around to look at his dad and responded. His voice was just muffles because he had already stuffed his mouth with food when he was making his plate. Arthur just sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose causing Matthew to giggle. He gave his younger son a small smile and a pat on the back as he went to get his plate.

Soon the family of four was all sitting at the table with full plates of food made by Francis, the chef of the house. Everything seemed like an average dinner to Matthew, but certain things felt off. 

Alfred was chatting about day excitingly, occasionally getting scolded by Arthur and having Francis telling the Brit to lighten up. Matthew took a bite of his food and squirmed in his seat uncomfortably. He could feel eyes on him every so often.

He pretended he didn’t notice the looks, but it was hard considering the amount of times Francis kept glancing. He tried to pass it off as something small. He hadn’t really talked to Francis since he got home, so he was probably still worried about that. Despite his reassurances, something still just felt… off about the glances. 

“So, lad, how was your day?” It took Matthew a moment to figure out he was being addressed. He looked up at Arthur. _Well, this is a first._ Everyone at the table was looking at Matthew expectantly waiting for his answer.

The Canadian put more food on his fork as he responded, “fine,” nonchalantly. He didn’t plan on saying anything else, but there was no noise immediately after he talked. 

He looked up from his food again realizing he was expected to say a bit more about his day. He searched his mind for a quick response.

“Uh, it turned out to be better than I thought it would be.” 

“You didn’t expect today to be good?” Francis spoke up looking at his son expectantly. 

“It was just a feeling I had in the morning… y-you know?” 

Francis continued looking at his younger son as the older piped up.

“I know exactly what you’re talking ‘bout! It happens to me all the time!”

“Alfred, I believe that is the fear of failing when you realized you played videogames the night before instead of studying.” Arthur gave Alfred an accusing look as the latter pouted. Matthew cracked a small smile at their antics.

Arthur continued, “And I do believe you have one of those tests tomorrow.” Alfred gave his dad a look.

“Yeah?” Alfred asked. Arthur just smiled softly.

“Why don’t you go study if you’re done eating?” He motioned to Alfred’s empty plate and the sink where they always put their dirty dishes.

“Fine.” Alfred got up with his plate and heading towards the sink before going upstairs. Matthew thought it was the perfect time for his escape and got up to follow Alfred.

“Mathieu, why don’t you stay here for a while? We never got to hear about your day, and I haven’t had the chance to talk to you yet today,” Francis said. Matthew turned to look as his two parents who were looking at him expectantly. He sat down and looked up shyly.

“Okay,” he murmured. They were silent for a moment before Francis spoke again.

“So tell us about your day, mon petit.” 

Matthew took a moment to collect his thoughts. He wasn’t sure what to say. On a normal day he would be nervous about talking about his day. The fact he had to do it this very day just made it worse. 

“W-well, I woke up, cleaned my room a little bit, and went to school.” He looked at his parents to see if what he said was good. He decided not to mention being late to school. Arthur nodded as a sign to continue after hearing Matthew’s words.

“T-then I ran into Gilbert, and we came here to get some lunch.” Francis glanced at Arthur who was looking at his food before looking back to his youngest son.

“Then… uh… you were here, dad.” 

Arthur looked up at this son and interrupted, “I am very sorry, lad.” 

Matthew gave a small smile. “I know, dad.” They were silent for a few minutes before Francis decided to break the silence again.

“What did you and your friend, Gilbert, do today?” Matthew bit his lip thinking before making eye contact with his parents who were looking at him expectantly. 

“W-well, after he found me, we went and got some lunch at a s-sandwich place. T-then we just walked home,” he stuttered out failing to sound confident. 

He looked at his parents expectantly to see if they had anything to say. Francis had a small smirk on his face as if he knew something no one else figured out yet. Arthur’s face was neutral, but after living with him for so long, Matthew knew that was just how Arthur was. Arthur really was okay with it all. He just thought nothing of it.

Matthew felt the need to continue. “I-I guess we spent quite a while at lunch and took our time walking, so we got home kind of late.” Arthur nodded.

“It’s okay, Matthew. It was already a little late when we started our search so your lunch was probably late as well.” The three found themselves in silence soon after. Matthew noticed Francis looked like he wanted to say something a few times but held back.

After a short while Arthur spoke up, uncomfortable with the silence, “Well, I might as well start cleaning up the dishes.”

He took everyone’s dishes and headed to the sink to rinse them. Matthew took it as his opportunity to leave. When he was at the foot of the stairs a voice called out for him.

“Mathieu.” 

Matthew turned around to see the worried face of his Papa.

“Papa?” Matthew spoke in a soft voice unsure of what was wrong. Francis put his hand on Matthew’s shoulder.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right, mon petit?”

“Y-yes, Papa.” Francis seemed to relax a little at his son’s words. Matthew stood there slightly confused at his father’s actions.

“Is there anything you would like to talk about?” Matthew shook his head.

“N-no, Papa. I am fine.” 

“Alright. You can go then.” Francis watched Matthew ascend the stairs as he ran a hand through his hair. Gilbert had to be wrong. His petit Mathieu would never do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!
> 
> (also I noticed some continuity errors while formatting, but in the spirit of maintaining the story, I'm not letting myself rewrite chapters, only fix small sentences and stuff)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew and Gilbert head to school the next day

Matthew lay awake in his bed under the covers staring at the ceiling. The sun had yet to rise far into the sky, but still cast a faint glow throughout his still clean room. 

He had school today. He planned on going, and if he was lucky, he would sit with someone at lunch. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited. He never really sat with anyone at lunch. It wasn’t because they wouldn’t let him. It was because he always felt like he was intruding. They wouldn’t acknowledge him if he asked if he could sit with them, and if he sat down they wouldn’t do anything. It was nice for a while until he was sat on, and just listening and not talking was never fun. He hoped Gilbert would remember him today. Then he would be able to talk to someone at lunch.

A loud buzzing broke him out of his thoughts.

He rolled over and proceeded to turn off his alarm. He sat at the edge of the bed once the alarm was off just looking at the clock. _That is weird. Usually I’m up much longer before I have to get ready for school._ He stood up and stretched his arms. He didn’t mind. It felt nice to get a decent night’s sleep. It was something he hadn’t had in a while and left him in a good mood.

He opened his closet and randomly grabbed some clothes, slipping on jeans and a t-shirt – he didn’t pay attention to which one. He scratched his head once it was on, and moved to his desk chair. He picked up his favorite red hoodie from the back of the chair and pulled it on.

Now he was dressed.

He had worn the hoodie so long that he felt incomplete without it. At this point, it felt weird not to be wearing it. He tried not to think about why he started wearing the hoodie everyday despite what the weather was. He liked the article of clothing when he first got it, but not enough to wear on hot summer days. Despite that, he wore it those days too and let himself sweat. 

He needed to wear it so no one would see his arms. Sometimes he wanted someone to know what was there, for someone to reach out and help him, but he still covered them anyways. The chance of a person doing that was slim. If anyone took the chance to notice him and saw the scars, they would think badly of him, not help. He didn’t want to be judged for what he did. He doubted anyone would understand if they saw.

He shook his head as he entered the bathroom him and Alfred shared. He really needed to listen to himself when he told him to stop thinking like that. It isn’t a good way to start the day. Still, a moment later, He was glad he thought of it. It reminded him he needed to change his bandages. He didn’t do it the night before, and he didn’t want to get an infection.

He sat on the toilet with fresh bandages on the counter next to him and started to unwrap the old bandages. He winced when he almost had them off. Some of the cuts had reopened when he was sleeping, nothing bad, but it made taking off the bandages more painful.

He wet some toilet paper to wipe off the dried blood that was still on his arm. He didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t uncommon for him to accidentally open cuts when he was sleeping – he tended to be a restless sleeper. This was morning routine anyways.

After he had fresh bandages on his arms, he rolled down his sleeves and proceeded to do what was normal routine for people his age. He brushed his teeth and combed his wavy hair. Despite his attempts, a curl in front of his face would not stay on either side. He stopped his attempts to tame it with a huff, taking a good look at him in the mirror.

He took in his image for a moment. He never was very fond of mirrors. It got worse ever since he first became depressed long ago. It took a long time for him to admit that he could be depressed even to himself. Now, he can say, at least in his mind, that he was, not that it really changed anything.

He hated having to see the way his eyes looked when he saw his reflection. It was scary in a way. His eyes always seemed lifeless and were soon accompanied by dark circles underneath them from lack of proper sleep. He used to wonder why no one noticed something was wrong if his eyes betrayed him so much. He would always have to remind himself the same thing: you are invisible. Why would they notice emotions in your eyes if they never see you?

Matthew stared at his eyes. They didn’t seem as lifeless as some days, but they still seemed dull. He raised the corner of his lips in an attempted smile. It was shaky and didn’t reach his eyes. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. _Okay, that time I looked in pain._ He hoped he could smile today at school, since he was going to hang out with people today.

His laughter from the day before rang in the back of his head. He supposed that it would come naturally when around other people. The thought of hanging out with friends almost made him smile, but the fear he would be forgotten stopped the giddy happiness. 

He attempted to tame the curl one more time with a stroke of his brush before leaving the bathroom and going to the kitchen for breakfast. He heard Alfred moving in his room, so he expected he was already getting dressed.

He took a small container full of pancakes out of the fridge. He liked to make extra pancakes on the weekends, so during the school week, he could warm them up for breakfast. He put one on a plate and started the microwave up, making beeps with each button he pressed.

He leaned back on the counter and stretched listening to the buzz of the microwave. The house was still pretty quiet. A crumbling of paper broke through the semi-silence of the house. Matthew turned to the source of the noise, the kitchen table.

Someone was sitting at the table with a newspaper blocking their face. The tea next to him meant it was Arthur. Matthew wasn’t too surprised. Arthur was still home when the twins woke up for school a good amount of the time. He usually couldn’t stay long enough to see them off, but he was still there for some of the time. 

The newspaper only came on Sundays in their neighborhood, but Arthur liked to read it throughout the week. He didn’t have much time in the morning, so he only read one or two articles a day. Matthew recalled him once saying it got his mind started up and working for the day. He wasn’t really sure how reading the news helped, but he never dwelled on it.

The beep signaling his pancake was done cooking broke him out of his thoughts. He quickly took out his plate and drenched it in syrup. Everything would be better once he had his syrup. Some people had to drink coffee in the morning to get going, Arthur had to read, and Matthew needed some good ol’ maple syrup.

He sat down at the table next to his dad who had lowered the paper slightly revealing his face. 

“Good morning… Matthew.” Matthew looked at his dad. He was surprised by his action, but not too much. He knew Arthur had almost called him Alfred, but stopped after getting a good look at the boy next to him. He couldn’t be upset though. He was seen and remembered, and he hadn’t even been up long.

“Good morning, dad.” Arthur folded his paper and put it down. He looked at his son who was eating his pancake breakfast.

“So anything exciting happening today?” Matthew down his fork and looked at his dad who looked a little uncomfortable. 

“Uh… N-not really, it’s just school.” He decided not to tell the other about probably getting to eat with people. He didn’t want to make his dad feel bad about how he usually wasn’t noticed at school.

“I see.” Arthur took a subtle and quick glance at his watch. “Well, I better be heading off I don’t want to be late.” He looked at his son fondly.

“Have a good day, even if it’s ‘just school.’ ” He ruffled the blonde’s wavy hair before making his exit.

Matthew sat there for a moment with a small smile on his face. It was a small gesture, one that tons of other kids probably got when they were younger that other teens his age would hate, but it meant a lot to him. Yeah, he was going to have a good day. It already had a great start.

Matthew started to finish his pancakes with a smile. While Matthew was eating, Alfred dragged himself in the kitchen slumped.

“Morning Al.” Alfred made grumble sounds, but other than that didn’t acknowledge his twin’s existence. Matthew wasn’t offended. He knew Alfred was a zombie in the morning before his coffee. Arthur had to read, Matthew needed syrup, and Alfred was one of the typical coffee drinkers addicted to its caffeine. 

Alfred started making coffee and went to the pantry to get something to eat. He came out of the pantry with a packet of pop tarts. He yawned and scratched his head as he poured the finished coffee in a mug. Instant coffee, how could he survive without it?

He sat down at the table next to Matthew and took a few sips of his coffee before sitting back in the chair. Matthew smiled. His brother was always full of energy except first thing in the morning. It was funny to watch because one moment he is the living dead and the next he is as lively as the sun. A few minutes later Alfred officially woke up out of zombie mode.

“Mornin’ Mattie!” Alfred popped a pop tart in his mouth with a grin on his face. Matthew just laughed at his brother’s antics finishing the last few bites of his pancake. When Matthew had his plate cleaned off and put away, Alfred was already done eating.

“We better head out if we want to make the bus, bro!” Alfred exclaimed. Matthew turned to look at his brother. They were walking together? They haven’t done that in a long time. 

“Sure, let me grab my bag.” He wasn’t going to question it. Sometimes it was best not to think about things. Instead he would enjoy it while it was happening.

He ran upstairs to quickly grab his backpack. He tried to pull it on fast, forgetting the weight of all the books and things inside. He nearly dropped it creating a bang, but still had a grip on the strap. With a bit more struggle he got the overstuffed backpack on and started going downstairs as fast as the extra weight would let him move.

He met Alfred who was waiting by the front door with his own bag. Alfred’s bag looked almost empty and was probably very light.

“Took you long enough, dude.” Alfred smiled at his younger brother and Matthew cracked a small smile back.

“Sorry.” 

Alfred gave a questioning look at Matthew’s backpack but didn’t say anything about it.

“Alright, let’s head out.”

The two started walking to the bus stop. They really didn’t need to ride the bus. It wasn’t that long of a walk; Matthew walked it the other day. Despite the distance, riding the bus was always better than having to walk it that early in the morning. Matthew supposed the only reason they had it was because parents were paranoid about their kids getting kidnapped, and teens were too lazy to walk it anyways.

They walked towards the spot on the corner where the bus would pick them up. Alfred had his hands behind his head still stretching. He peered at his meek twin from the corner of his eye. Matthew seemed to be in a good mood. It made him question if anything was still wrong. He decided maybe them walking had already cheered up his twin a little.

They chattered meaninglessly as they walked. It made Matthew feel good to actually be remembered and to have the other want to talk about him. He soon found a smile planted on his face. Turned out he could actually put on a real smile. Alfred was talking about a weird dream he had, complete with aliens that had British accents, and asked for Matthew’s opinion on it when they saw the bus turn the corner. They quickly ran the rest of the way to where a few other kids were standing looking bored and tired.

Matthew didn’t know them and they never seemed too keen to talk in the mornings. He supposed they lived close by and weren’t morning people, but that was about it. Maybe they didn’t know what their morning “pick me up” was. If they were talkative, he would recommend the syrup. 

The blond twins boarded the bus after the not-the-morning-type teens, Alfred leading and Matthew behind. 

Alfred scanned the bus occupants and quickly ran to sit next to one of his friends excitedly. Matthew sat in the empty seat behind them. Alfred attempted to start a three-way conversation with the two of them, but it didn’t work out well. Matthew could admit that he didn’t try his hardest. He had often seen the Asian kid his brother had introduced to him grabbing other people’s chests. Sometimes he wondered about how Alfred found the most random kids to hang out with. It didn’t help the conversation that Alfred’s friend, Yong So, kept forgetting who Matthew was.

After a while, the conversation died down. Yong So and Alfred started talking about video games, and Matthew proceeded to look out the window.

He always liked looking out the window while riding in cars. He was entranced by the way the world moved by so fast, but you were able to see it all through the window of the vehicle. They were going so fast, but none of the colors really blended. They all stayed separate, but came together nicely. 

He liked looking at all the other drivers in their cars. You couldn’t help but wonder what song that person was singing or who that person was talking to on the phone. Where were they going? Is that person with them their friend? Family? Maybe they picked the other passenger up off the street and were giving him a ride. 

He let himself be entertained by those thoughts and more the rest of the ride to school. He put the incident of being forgotten by the people in front of him to the back of his head, choosing to focus on the good things that had happened so far instead.

_______________________________________________________________

Gilbert was fast asleep in his messy room. He was sprawled out on his bed, limbs tangled in the various bed sheets that were thrown everywhere. His mouth was open slightly signaling his deep slumber. He was never a morning person.

A loud bang echoed throughout the room as the door opened, but Gilbert didn’t stir. A dressed for school Ludwig stood in the doorway with a scowl on his face.

“Gilbert! Get up! We’re leaving soon!” Ludwig demanded

The body of his older brother stirred under the sheets at the loud voice.

“Mmm… Later.” A hand popped out from the bed sheets and waved itself around. Ludwig’s eyebrow twitched.

“We are not doing this today! Get out of bed!” 

Gilbert just turned over in the bed. Ludwig walked towards the bed grumbling the entire way. He grabbed his older brother’s feet and pulled him out from under the sheets. 

Gilbert hit the floor with a bang and an oof. He looked up at his younger brother with a glare.

“You’re so unawesome,” Gilbert grumbled.

“Yeah, well, get ready. If you’re not in the car in fifteen minutes, I’ll drag you.” 

In the past, he would have told Gilbert he’d be left behind, but after doing that the first time and having Gilbert not go to school, he try that one again. The large blond turned and left so Gilbert could get ready.

Gilbert sat on the ground in his boxers for a few moments still waking up. Not too long later, he was on his feet stretching in front of his closet as he looked for something to wear. He didn’t spend long deciding before he grabbed some jeans and a dark t-shirt and threw them on. 

He scratched the back of his head as he headed to the bathroom. He quickly brushed and teeth and did his hair knowing his time was going to run out, and he wanted to eat. He bounded down the stairs to get breakfast. Once he reached the bottom of the stairs, he ran back up and into his room.

“Sorry Gilbird! I could never forget to feed the awesome you.” Gilbert quickly fed his bird, and went downstairs to get his own breakfast.

He was eating waffles he made in the toaster when his brother came into the kitchen. 

Ludwig sighed, “Bruder, we need to leave soon.” 

Gilbert swallowed what he was eating before responding, “Five minutes.” 

He proceeded to stuff the rest of the waffles in his mouth before bounding up the stairs to grab his bag. Ludwig just stood and the kitchen and sighed, shaking his head. He never understood how his brother could survive being like that every morning. He started heading to the car knowing Gilbert would show up soon.

As predicted, Gilbert jumped in to passenger seat a few minutes later while his brother started the car. The two started their way to school on schedule according to Ludwig. Gilbert talked a majority of the way, making jabs at Ludwig every so often. Occasionally, Ludwig would make a witty comeback. A normal day for the brothers.

They soon found themselves in the school parking lot, getting out of the car. Ludwig left to go to his locker, while Gilbert stayed in the parking lot stretching his arms. He looked at the crowds of kids going from their cars or the buses into the school. 

Gilbert yelled across the parking lot, “Hey Toni!” Green eyes turned around to see the albino jogging towards him. A smile spread across the tan teen’s face.

“Buenas Dias, Gilbert!” The two started a conversation when Gilbert caught up, and together they walked into the school heading for their lockers.

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew’s bus stopped at the school before he knew it. His brother ran off with Yong So before he could even stand. Matthew just sighed as he waited for everybody to get off the bus before getting off himself. He always hated all the crowds involved with going to school.

He got off the bus and surveyed the front of the school - typical high school. You could practically see the cliques coming together from the kids walking from all directions to the entrance. He liked to think his school wasn’t as divided as other ones were. They had their cliques like every other school, but their’s at least could mingle with each other, at least most of them. There were some kids who didn’t get along, but there would always be people with enemies wherever you went. It was just a fact of human nature.

He hiked his backpack strap up his shoulder and made his way into the school.

The morning was the part of the day he hated the most. The crowds in the hallways were unbearable. At the end of the day, he could wait in his last period class for the crowd to clear out a little, but at the beginning of the day, he couldn’t wait or he would be late. 

He supposed that’s why people liked walking the halls together, especially in the mornings. It was harder for people to accidentally run into you if there were more of you. Others were more bound to see you.

Matthew sucked it up and made his way towards his locker.

He could tell from the crowd in the halls that he still had a good while until homeroom, so he dropped his backpack on the ground. He rolled his shoulders before unzipping his backpack and opening his locker.

He looked at his empty locker and then at his overstuffed backpack. Yesterday, he spent all that time packing it up just to have to unpack it all. At least having more work to do is a good thing for once. It means he is still here. Not only that, but it reminds him he has a friend to eat lunch with, something that lightened his mood once again as he refilled his locker.

Today was going to be a good day.

_______________________________________________________________

Gilbert finished going to his locker with his friend, Antonio, in tow. The Spaniard was explaining about how ‘his Lovi’ did in fact resemble a tomato, because Gilbert said that he just didn’t see the resemblance.

“Yeah well, just make sure he doesn’t scare away Mattie,” Gilbert said offhandedly. Antonio tilted his head to the side a little in confusion.

Antonio asked, “Who’s Mattie?” Gilbert stopped to look at his friend. He almost forgot that no one else knew Matthew. 

“Oh, uh, he is a new friend that’s going to be eating with us.”

Antonio exclaimed, “Yay! You’re making friends!” Antonio pretended to give his friend a round of applause causing Gilbert to roll his eyes.

“Ha. Ha. Very funny.”

Antonio added, “I don’t remember the name from anywhere. I don’t think I know him.” Gilbert thought back to what Matthew told him about being invisible. He wondered if Antonio really had never met the Canadian.

Gilbert answered, “That’s because you don’t.” 

The Spaniard raised an eyebrow. “Oh?” 

Gilbert put his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, I just met him yesterday.”

“Oh, okay.” The two continued to walk down the hallway when Antonio piped up again.

“Speaking of yesterday, where were you? I didn’t see you in class or after school.” 

Gilbert thought about what to say for a moment before responding, “I was helping out a friend.” 

He said it in a way that people who knew him long enough would know he didn’t want to talk about it. Antonio sensed this and was quiet for a few moments. He tried to think of something else to talk about.

“Hey Gilbert, if we see this Mattie guy can you point him out to me? I have a feeling I know him, but I just can’t remember.” 

_That’s because no one remembers._ The thought came to him right away. He couldn’t say he was really surprised. He had been thinking back to the things Matthew had said. He just felt that if people remembered him, he wouldn’t have hurt himself or had even been at the bridge that other day. The downside was that he felt everyone walking in the hallway was at least a little t blame. He didn’t know why he cared so much for someone he just met, but he knew he needed to get a hold off himself. Matthew would be fine. He was going to help him, and everything would be fine.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll keep a look out for him,” Gilbert said.

The two started making their way to the part of school where their homeroom classes were. They walked in silence, except for Antonio’s quiet humming, but it wasn’t awkward. After knowing each other for so long, nothing could really be awkward between them. 

The hallways were still crowded, but were starting to thin out. The people who liked to get to their homerooms early had already went, and the groups of friends scattered around the hallway had dispersed to get their books before the school day officially started.

Gilbert was people-watching when he saw a familiar curl a bit away on the other side of the hallway. He slowed down he steps to try to get a look. A person moved out of the way, and he saw Matthew’s head. It disappeared quickly after when the blond went to get more books out of his backpack.

Antonio asked, “Hey, Gilbert, why’d you stop?” Gilbert nodded in the direction of the now visible Matthew.

“That’s Matthew over there.” Antonio looked towards where Gilbert had gestured.

“Where?” Antonio was looking straight in the direction of the blond. 

“He is the dude stuffing books into his locker.”

“Oh, is he the guy with the backpack?” Antonio smiled as if he accomplished something great. Gilbert nodded looking at Matthew.

“Yeah, he’s the boy with the backpack.”

Antonio started saying something about how he didn’t recognize him and making new friends as Matthew shut his locker, grabbed his backpack, and slowly walked away. Gilbert watched him the entire time noting how Matthew was carrying himself. 

_He seems fine today… What am I saying? How would I know if he is fine or not?_ Despite his thoughts, he had a feeling he would be able to tell. With all that happened the day before and everything he found out, he had a good idea about how the other usually was.

He thought back to how Matthew looked at school the day before. He didn’t look as downcast or upset. He was probably doing better.

The warning bell rang signaling five minutes until everyone needed to be in homeroom. Gilbert and Antonio made their way to their homerooms. The former decided he would see if Matthew was really doing better at lunch. If everything went right, he would be feeling better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gilbert and Matthew go to school and Matthew makes new friends

Gilbert sat in his homeroom laying his head on his desk. Homeroom was such a waste of time. They never did anything important. It was just a time for kids to finish homework and cram. He couldn’t say too much about them, because he was one of those kids most of the time, but days like this where he had nothing to do, he felt like it was a waste.

He sat up and stretched a little bit. _God, how much longer of this._ His thoughts were broken by the door opening. He looked up to see a girl with long brown hair talking to the teacher and handing him a tardy slip. 

“Late again, I see, Eliza.” He smirked at her as she sat on the desk next to him. She smacked him on the back of the head.

“Oh, shut up,” she said. He held the back of his head pretending it hurt more than it did.

Gilbert protested, “That is in no way how to treat awesome people.” Elizaveta crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

“Like you know about how people should be treated.” 

Gilbert turned in his chair to face his friend. He put his elbow on the desk and leaned on his hand nonchalantly. He didn’t expect Elizaveta to still be upset about some harmless pranks. He supposed Feliciano was a soft spot for her. She was always like a protective older sister to him.

“Really now? You know it’s comments like that that make me wonder if you guys really appreciate my awesomeness.” Elizaveta just raised her eyebrows at him causing him to smirk.

Gilbert continued, “_So_ I made a friend that could appreciate my awesomeness.” He leaned back and crossed his arms with a smile.

“You found someone that could stand your ego other than us?” She smiled a little in a teasing manner.

“Hey, I don’t have an ego; I really am awesome.” This caused the brunette to laugh.

“Whatever you say, Gilbert.”

Gilbert sobered ub. “But seriously, be nice to him okay?” 

Elizaveta looked at Gilbert questioning, “What?” 

Gilbert sighed and sat up.

“My friend, he is eating lunch with us today. I want you to be nice to him, okay? He’s really shy and shit, and I don’t want you guys making him feel bad even if it’s just some jokes.” 

Elizaveta gave him a look. It was simple and slightly surprised with a small smile on her lips. She was surprised Gilbert was going out of his way for someone he just met. It seemed out of character for him.

The two had known each other since they were little. They were family friends, and had a brother-sister relationship, thus all the bickering between the two. Out of everyone, she probably knew Gilbert the best, except for maybe Ludwig.

She knew Gilbert wasn’t the most trusting person. He was outgoing and ready to talk and say his opinion, but he never really fully trusted people. She could see it hold him back sometimes. He didn’t have other close friends out of their group. Yes, he had friends and talked to people, but it wasn’t nearly as intimate as the relationships he had with the people he knew longer.

It took awhile for him to fully accept and trust people. It wasn’t something noticeable because of his outgoing and loud personality, but it was still there. She thought it had to do with his parents. She didn’t know much else about it; his parents were a touchy topic. It was untouchable for most people and hard to come by even for his closer friends. Still, he never went out of his way for people he didn’t know well.

What she didn’t understand was how he seemed to be close friends with someone he just met. It was odd for him. She knew something had to happen different than when usually making friends, or there was really something special about this kid.

Elizaveta asked, “So who is this guy?” 

“His name’s Matthew.” Gilbert cocked an eyebrow at her. Elizaveta smiled.

“Sooo…” She dragged out making a motion with her hands for him to keep going. Gilbert gave her an even more questioning look. He wasn’t sure where she was going, but knowing her it wasn’t good.

Gilbert, not knowing what to say, asked, “What?” 

She gave him a cocky grin. “Do ya like him?” Gilbert eyes widened and his face turned red.

“Wha-!” Elizaveta cut him off with laughter.

“I was thinking since you seemed to really care about-“ 

“God, Eliza, why do you have such an obsession with that gay romance crap!” Gilbert said exasperated, slightly annoyed. Despite the jab at her interests, she still smiled.

Before anymore could be said between the friends the bell rang signaling the end of homeroom. Elizaveta threw her backpack on and turned before she left.

“Whatever you say, Gilbert.” 

Gilbert seethed. “God dammit! I do not like him, Eliza!” 

The brunette just laughed as she walked away. Gilbert sighed and put on his light backpack. He had the weirdest friends.

He wasn’t too surprised at her actions. He usually didn’t care much about people he just met so one would jump to conclusions, and any normal person would not guess the truth. Who would expect him to care because the other person had tried to die? Then there was just the plain fact of her little interest. Gilbert thought of it more of an obsession, especially after the time she tried to hook up him and Roderich. He shook his head and chuckled at the memory. It was actually pretty funny because both parties weren’t too keen about it, and she sucked at being discrete. 

He really hoped everyone wasn’t too weird today. He wanted Matthew to feel like he fit in. The point was for him to make friends and feel like he belonged, not freak him out. He knew Matthew wasn’t anywhere near as weird as his group of friends, but he hoped everything would still work out. Besides, they all had their normal days and not all of them were _that_ weird. 

He sighed as he sat down in his first period class. He would just have to see how things turned out later. All he could do now was wait.

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew was one of the first kids in his homeroom. Most people were still in the halls talking to friends. He looked at the door wishing he was out there doing that. Too bad he was invisible. Maybe if he was more special or talented it wouldn’t be this way.

He started tapping his thumb on all his fingers alternating between fingers: index, middle, ring, pinky, ring, pinky, ring, pinky. Repeat. It was a sort of nervous habit. He did it as a distraction when thoughts turned sour. It never worked well as a distraction, but he _needed_ to do something with his hands when the temptation was high. He was not going to hurt himself over something so small.__

_ _He ran his other hand through his hair as he started shaking his leg fast. His breathing picked up, but it was still silent. He closed his eyes. _I don’t need it. I don’t need it._ He opened them again and scanned the people in the room. _No one notices.__ _

_ _He stopped his movements all together and reached for his backpack. He fumbled around inside until he pulled out some pencils and a small sketchpad. It was the size of an average spiral notebook, but with more paper and the curly metal spiral at the top instead of the side. He opened the sketchpad to a random blank page, grabbed a pencil, and started sketching._ _

_ _It suited its job perfectly. He was decently distracted from all the aforementioned thoughts. He didn’t know what he was drawing; he just started making lines hoping it would turn into a decent picture. He wasn’t the best artist, but he was decent. He took an art class at the school so he knew the basics, and he practiced often when he needed to be distracted._ _

_ _The first time he decided to try to stop injuring, he had a lot of trouble. It was harder than he thought. He never realized how dependent he had become. So for help, he turned to the internet. There were tons of ways to help deal with it, most of which he didn’t really felt like trying. He read one time that just a distraction could help, something to let out your feelings elsewhere. That’s when he started drawing, it was one of the examples along with writing, but he never was much of a writer. He wasn’t a good artist at first, but overtime he became better._ _

_ _Soon the classroom filled and the bell rang. He didn’t let it disturb him. He blocked out the voices around him so he wouldn’t be reminded on what he was missing out on. _ _

_ _The bell rang again in what felt like no time. The room erupted in noise as all the students gathered their things and rushed to their first class. Matthew took his time, not wanting to get caught in the bustle of the crowd._ _

_ _He leaned back and looked at his drawing. It wasn’t finished, but you could see where it was heading. He had drawn a dark landscape. It seemed bleak and like a fantasy world, slightly depressing. In one spot the darkness faded to pure white where he didn’t shade at all. In the white you could see the outline of a person who had yet to be drawn. The picture was actually beautiful in a way, but it was very sad looking._ _

_ _Matthew put up his pencils, closed the sketchpad, and packed it up. He might finish it if he had time… or maybe not. Sometimes it was best not to look back on what he had sketched before. Though he did do leisurely art not for a distraction, he never liked dwelling on some things. It seemed best to leave them untouched and let them be. _ _

_ _He walked into the hallway which was still bustling with movement. He kept to the sides so as not to mix in with the crowd. It was interesting watching people pass. He had gone to the same high school, middle school, and, even for some of them, elementary school together, yet none of them recognized him. Even he would admit that he didn’t know over half the people he passed while walking. It’s odd how you could spend so much time in the same building as someone, and never know them. That you could be in the same room for hours throughout the year, but if you saw each other outside of school, you wouldn’t recognize each other._ _

_ _Matthew made a face as someone bumped into him causing him to hit the lockers. It wasn’t hard, the person had simply bumped his arm on accident, but he ran into a lock. He sighed as he walked into his first period class. Sometimes he just had the worst luck. Not that he was too surprised; he should have been paying more attention in the halls anyways._ _

_ _As class started he found himself confused about the lesson. He already knew the basics of what they were going over, but he didn’t remember being taught it in class. Then it hit him. He missed this class yesterday. He had been cleaning his room, while they were having discussions. He sat back in his chair a little amazed about how he had forgotten._ _

_ _It was odd thinking about it, all the events that happened the day before. He had actually tried to kill himself, and yet, now, he was going through life as he always did. His stomach knotted up with the knowledge of how close he was from not sitting there at the moment. _ _

_ _He put his head in his hands and thought for a moment. So much had changed in a day, but he didn’t regret what he almost did. After thinking about it for a bit, he knew deep down he wouldn’t mind doing it again, just not now. He didn’t feel like he could do it now, even though that feeling was still lingering._ _

_ _He thought back and remembered the moment the turn of events started to change – the moment he was tackled. He supposed he was lucky. It was perfect timing on Gilbert’s part. Matthew really did owe him, even if Gilbert didn’t understand exactly what he did. He had a fleeting feeling Gilbert had an idea, but Matthew pushed it away. There was a chance Gilbert knew. Matthew had been climbing the fence to the edge, but Gilbert wouldn’t understand why. He also didn’t bring it up._ _

_ _Gilbert was probably just being nice and not talking about it. Matthew frowned. He hoped the albino wasn’t befriending him out of pity. Usually, he would take the pity if it meant being noticed for a little while, but he didn’t want to be lied to about something like that. He shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts. Gilbert wouldn’t do something like that; it didn’t seem like him. Besides, it wasn’t that weird that somebody actually wanted to hang out with him._ _

_ _He smiled thinking about it. He just had to wait until lunch and everything would be fine. He wouldn’t have to worry about if he was going to be remembered or not. He would find out then._ _

_ _He tried to pay attention to the rest of the class to catch up on what they were learning, but his thoughts kept straying to what was to come and what almost was. Before long the bell rang and the teacher was dismissing them._ _

_ _This time he paid more attention to where he was going in the hallway. He waited a little longer before leaving, so the halls would be a little less crowded. He stepped in the classroom just as the bell rang with a sigh of relief. He wasn’t going to be late to this class two days in a row._ _

_ _As he scanned the classroom for empty seats his eyes locked with familiar red ones. _Gilbert is in this class?__ _

_ _Gilbert was surprised when he saw the familiar blond walk into the classroom. Then he mentally slapped himself. How could he forget? He saw Matthew in this class yesterday when he walked in late. _ _

_ _He remembered the way the other walked in the day before. He didn’t think too much of it at first, but no one else noticed he was late or even there for that matter. He had looked so depressed then; the mere thought of how he looked was saddening. Gilbert was going to ask if he was okay the other day in that class, but Matthew had left before he could do anything. _ _

_ _He kind of felt stupid for it now. Back then, he really wouldn’t have been asking because he actually cared. Not now, though. Now, he cared. It was sad knowing someone as awesome as Matthew wasn’t noticed. It was weird in a way. How come people didn’t notice someone as cool as him?_ _

_ _He locked eyes with Matthew and smirked. Matthew just stood there shocked for a moment before moving to one of the only empty seats left next to Gilbert in the back of the class. He sat down quietly taking out his five subject notebook for note taking._ _

_ _Gilbert looked at him curiously. _Surely, he knows I’m here. He looked right at me._ At first he figured Matthew just liked to follow rules and was always quiet in class. Then, he realized most of the students were still talking among themselves, and that the teacher hadn’t officially started the class. He supposed Matthew just went back into his shy shell._ _

_ _“Hey Mattie. What’s up?” Gilbert said in his usually happy voice with a hint of cockiness. Matthew looked up at him for a moment before breaking into a small smile, one that despite being small, still shown in his eyes. The sight caused Gilbert to grin back. _ _

_ _“N-Nothing.” Matthew was quiet for a moment before adding, “What about you?” Gilbert shrugged._ _

_ _“Not much. The usual, school.” He made a face when he said school that caused the Canadian to chuckle. He continued, “Hey don’t laugh. I bet you hate it too.” _ _

_ _Matthew looked down and murmured, “Yeah.” _ _

_ _Gilbert looked at the blond next to him with scrunched eyebrows. Matthew saw his face and decided it meant he should say something more about it. He considered what to say unsure all of what he should mention._ _

_ _“I, uh, hate the crowds…”_ _

_ _“Really?”_ _

_ _Matthew clarified, “Yeah, like in the halls and stuff.”_ _

_ _“Why? You claustrophobic or something?”_ _

_ _“N-no… I just, uh, get bumped into a lot and stuff… It’s, umm… annoying?” Matthew mentally berated himself. He couldn’t figure out how to approach the conversation and felt like an idiot every time he opened his mouth. _ _

_ _Gilbert observed the other with a serious expression. Matthew looked up at Gilbert when nothing was said. He hoped he didn't do anything wrong. He just made a friend, and didn’t want to say anything wrong._ _

_ _“Yeah, that’s a reason to hate it.” Gilbert rubbed his neck not knowing what else to say about it. He started racking his mind for a topic change that wouldn’t seem weird._ _

_ _When a topic hit him, Gilbert exclaimed, “Oh yeah! I never told you.” _ _

_ _Matthew looked at him confused. “What?”_ _

_ _ Gilbert blushed a little knowing he just randomly spoke loudly and probably looked stupid. Usually, he didn’t care about stuff like that, but right now he did for some reason._ _

_ _Gilbert explained, “I never told you where we sit at lunch. It completely slipped my mind.” Matthew smiled again. He really was remembered. He was so stupid earlier for thinking otherwise._ _

_ _“Oh, yeah, I didn’t even think about it.” _ _

_ _“We sit at a table in the back corner. It shouldn’t be too hard to find us, but I’ll try to meet up with you beforehand to show you. Sound good?” _ _

_ _Matthew just smiled. “Yeah.”_ _

_ _Before Gilbert could say anything else, the teacher started talking and going over the lesson. Matthew was paying close attention to catch up since he missed part of the class yesterday. _ _

_ _Gilbert watched Matthew out of the corner of his eye. His spirits seemed lifted compared to the morning. Matthew smiled a little. The other looked so different when he smiled and was happy. _ _

_ _Class went by fast for them, and soon they were packing up their things. Gilbert questioned Matthew where his next class was._ _

_ _“Alright, let’s go,” Gilbert stated while shouldering his backpack._ _

_ _Matthew spluttered, “I usually wait a few minutes for the halls to clear.” _ _

_ _“You’re gonna be late if you do that all the time. Let’s go.” Gilbert almost grabbed Matthew’s arm to drag him along but stopped. He didn’t want to hurt him. Luckily, Matthew followed him out and into the crowded hallway. The two talked about random things as they walked. _ _

_ _Someone ran into Matthew causing him to stumble. Gilbert shot a glare at the person as they walked away. He thought that that wouldn’t happen if Matthew had someone walking with him. He guessed it happened to people sometimes no matter what. _ _

_ _Matthew smiled to himself when he saw Gilbert glare. It made someone running into you completely different when there was someone there to care. Soon they reached the turn where they would need to separate. _ _

_ _“See ya around, Mattie.” Gilbert patted Matthew on the shoulder while Matthew said goodbye before taking off down another hallway to his next class._ _

_ _Matthew continued down the hall in high spirits. All his worries earlier were gone. He was remembered, he had somewhere to sit at lunch, and he actually had a friend. He sat down in his next class and started digging through his backpack for the supplies he would need._ _

_ _Alfred walked in the classroom in search of someone. He saw his brother’s red hoodie and smiled. _Good, he is already here. __ _

_ _Alfred planned on seeing how his brother was doing. He seemed better in the morning, but he could never be sure with Matthew. He wanted to make sure his good mood earlier wasn’t just an act. Alfred leaned on his brother’s desk._ _

_ _“Hey Mattie!” The Canadian jumped in surprise at his brother’s voice. He sat up from going through his backpack and smiled at his brother._ _

_ _“Hi, Al.”_ _

_ _ Alfred looked at his brother’s eyes intently. “What’s up, bro?”_ _

_ _ Matthew just shrugged. “Nothing much, you?” _ _

_ _Alfred observed everything about his brother from his stance to the way he was talking trying to decipher if anything was up. The only thing he could conclude was that his little brother was in a very good mood, better than usual. Whatever was wrong yesterday obviously wasn’t wrong now. He still wondered what it was._ _

_ _Alfred answered, “Not much. Having a good day?” He gave his brother a grin. His twin smiled back._ _

_ _Matthew responded, “Yeah, today’s been pretty good.” _ _

_ _“Well I’m gonna go to my seat before class starts.” Alfred hit the table twice with the hand he was using to lean on it before standing up straight. “See ya later, bro,” Alfred said as he turned to walk away._ _

_ _Matthew just smiled at him. “Okay, Al.”_ _

_ _Matthew sat through his class with Alfred and his next class in good spirits. His good mood only made lunch come faster. Before he knew it, the lunch bell rang and he was quickly gathered his things to go._ _

_ _He didn’t stay behind like he usually did, but went straight to the halls like most everyone else. He wanted to get to lunch and didn’t particularly care about the crowds. He walked in the middle of the hall with the majority of the crowd towards the cafeteria. He didn’t see Gilbert at first when he got there, but after a few minutes saw him walking towards him._ _

_ _Gilbert was surprised to see Matthew already waiting outside the cafeteria when he arrived. He took his time because he thought the other would be late since he said he liked waiting for the crowds to disperse. He supposed Matthew was trying to be polite by not having him wait. Gilbert walked up to Matthew and grinned._ _

_ _Matthew smiled back and greeted the other, “Hi.”_ _

_ _“Hey, you buying your lunch?” Gilbert nodded his head towards Matthew’s empty hands._ _

_ _“Yeah, I forgot to pack one last night, so looks like I’ll buy for the first time.” He had been so tired the night before it completely slipped his mind. The day before was so weird lunch had never crossed his mind. He was glad he always carried his wallet in his backpack so he could buy it. _ _

_ _“That’s good. I have to buy mine too.” Gilbert led the way into the cafeteria and got at the end of the long lunch line._ _

_ _“Despite what people say, the lunch here isn’t _that_ bad. It doesn’t move and isn’t funny colors or anything,” Gilbert said in an attempt to start a conversation. He inwardly cringed at how awkward he sounded, but maintained a calm outward appearance. Matthew chuckled a little and gave him a funny look. He heard the lunches were horrible which was why he usually packed his lunch. He supposed it was one of the downfalls of having a chef for a parent. You get too used to delicious food._ _

_ _“Let’s just hope they are serving something edible today,” Matthew joked._ _

_ _Gilbert scoffed, “Hey, I just said the food wasn’t that bad. You need to listen.”_ _

_ _Matthew laughed. “Francis cooks for a living.”_ _

_ _Gilbert shot him a look and muttered, “Lucky,” causing Matthew to laugh again. The two chatted about little things jokingly as they waited in line for their food._ _

_ _After they had their food, Gilbert started to lead Matthew to the table in the corner he mentioned earlier. Matthew started getting nervous as they got closer to the table. What if Gilbert’s friends didn’t like him? Would Gilbert still want to hang out with him if his friends thought he was weird?_ _

_ _Matthew’s palms started sweating a little when he caught sight of the table. He was expecting maybe one or two people, but there were more than that. He was exceedingly nervous and actually scared about sitting there. _ _

_ _Gilbert noticed Matthew tense next to him as they neared the table. He glanced at Matthew and noted he was a little pale and was noticeably stressed._ _

_ _Gilbert leaned closer and whispered, “Hey, don’t worry. They’re nice, a little weird, but you shouldn’t worry.” He gave Matthew a reassuring smile. Matthew gave a shaky smile back._ _

_ _“Y-yeah,” he nodded._ _

_ _As they neared the table, they could hear everyone chatting loudly. Matthew couldn’t tell what anyone was saying over the sound of his heartbeat and the fact that they were all talking at once. He took a deep breath trying to calm his nerves._ _

_ _“Hey, less awesome people, the awesome me is here, and I bought a friend!” Gilbert exclaimed. Everyone at the table stopped their loud chatter to look at their new acquaintance. Matthew shifted his weight nervously when six pairs of eyes fixed themselves on him. He wasn’t used to being the center of attention, and everyone looking at him at once was making him even more uncomfortable._ _

_ _“H-hi.” Matthew gave a shaky smile as he spoke in a quiet wavering voice._ _

_ _“Dammit, Potato Bastard, did you really bring another bastard here?” A brown haired boy spoke with a scowl. Matthew visually paled at the other’s words, and froze wondering if he should leave._ _

_ _“Ah, Lovi, don’t be mean.” Another boy with tan skin spoke up. The first one started yelling at the later next to him who had hugged him. Gilbert turned to Matthew who was starting to look more scared than nervous._ _

_ _“Don’t take anything Lovino says to heart. He’s like that to everyone, even his brother.” Matthew just nodded silently to Gilbert’s quiet words. Gilbert turned to the table and clapped his hands._ _

_ _“Okay, let me introduce you lot. First off, this is Matthew.” He gestured to Matthew next to him who moved his food to one hand so he could wave awkwardly. A few people at the table muttered greetings while the tan teen who had been talking to Lovino said, “Hi Matthew,” in a way to mock alcoholics anonymous. _ _

_ _Gilbert proceeded to introduce the rest of the table gesturing Matthew to put down his food first. Gilbert stood behind Lovino._ _

_ _“Okay, so this feisty little Italian is Lovino.” He put his hands on the sitting boy’s shoulders and jostled him._ _

_ _Lovino sneered, “Fuck off, bastard!” Gilbert laughed when the other slapped his arms off. He gestured to the boy on the Italian’s left who had spoken up earlier._ _

_ _Gilbert said fondly, “and this is Antonio.” Antonio smiled at the Canadian and waved._ _

_ _Gilbert then gestured to a boy with glasses and dark brown hair. Matthew took note of his good posture and that he seemed to be unamused at the antics of the others at the table. _ _

_ _“This here is Roderich.” The teen being spoken of looked up and responded with a pleasure. Matthew nodded back to him in return. Gilbert moved on to the next person._ _

_ _“This is Eliz-“_ _

_ _“I’m Elizaveta,” the girl spoke up kindly. Gilbert scowled at being interrupted. The brown haired girl stood offering her hand to Matthew and giving him a soft smile. Matthew gave her a shy smile back and shook her hand._ _

_ _“You can sit down you know, Matthew. You don’t have to stand there while Gilbert introduces us,” Elizaveta suggested. Matthew blushed and sat down in the empty seat next to her. Gilbert took this moment to move on to the next person._ _

_ _Gilbert tackled a large muscular blond almost knocking him out of his seat making him to scowl at the albino._ _

_ _“And this is my little bruder, Ludwig,” Gilbert exclaimed in a baby voice. Ludwig’s blue eyes glared at Gilbert._ _

_ _“Get off me,” Ludwig started trying to fight Gilbert off of him while Matthew looked a little surprised. _ _

_ _He had heard most of the names of the people he was meeting yesterday when Gilbert was telling stories about random things; Ludwig’s name was mentioned a lot. He knew Gilbert said they didn’t look alike, but he was a least expecting the blond to look younger than Gilbert. Instead he seemed to be taller from what Matthew could tell. He had blond hair, blue eyes, and a more muscular build than his older brother. His seemed to carry himself in a similar way to Roderich, very much unlike Gilbert._ _

_ _Gilbert laughed as Ludwig huffed when he finally got the albino off of him. Matthew couldn’t help but chuckle a little at the brothers’ antics. It vaguely reminded him of him and Alfred when they were younger. Except Alfred was the touchy feely one, and he would have been on the floor from the tackle, fighting it a little less. Gilbert’s voice broke him out of the memory._ _

_ _“Last but not least, this here is Feliciano.” He pointed to a brown haired boy sitting between Ludwig and Lovino. He looked very similar to Lovino except his hair and eyes were a shade lighter. He had a curl protruding from one side of his head while Lovino had a similar one on the other side. He quickly concluded that the two were brothers._ _

_ _Hearing his name, Feliciano looked at Matthew with a smile and started talking fast._ _

_ _“Hello Matthew! You can call me Feli. That’s what a lot of people call me, since my name is long. Can I call you Mateo?” He looked at the Canadian who had started fiddling with the bottom of his hoodie expectantly._ _

_ _Matthew stuttered, “S-sure.” _ _

_ _Feliciano just smiled wider and started talking about things he liked to let Matthew know him better. Matthew listened intently, nodding his head every so often as he tried to keep up with what the bubbly brunette was saying._ _

_ _Gilbert sat in the empty seat between Ludwig and Matthew smirking. He knew Matthew would fit in just fine. He watched as Feliciano chatted enthusiastically about different kinds of pasta, and Matthew listened to him looking a little uneasy at all the words and questions being thrown at him._ _

_ _Ludwig interrupted, “Feliciano, if you keep talking to him like that neither of you are going to be able to eat.” Feliciano stopped mid sentence and look at Ludwig._ _

_ _Feliciano beamed at Ludwig. “You’re right!” He then turned to eat his lunch. Matthew let out a breath and gave a thankful look to Ludwig. Gilbert just chuckled and shook his head taking a bite out of his food. Matthew looked at him still a little tense, and Gilbert gave him a reassuring smile._ _

_ _Elizaveta spoke up, “So, Matthew, tell us a little about yourself.” Matthew looked at Elizaveta and bit his lip._ _

_ _“Uh… I’m Canadian.” Gilbert looked down smiling, trying not to laugh. It seemed that that was what Matthew said every time he had to talk about himself. Matthew looked at Gilbert causing him to blush reading what Gilbert was thinking. Elizaveta just gave Gilbert a questioning look, and turned back to talk to Matthew._ _

_ _Matthew started to tell her basically what he told Gilbert the day before about living in Canada. The others at the table would occasionally add something to the conversation and listen, but after a few minutes, broke into different conversations. At one point, he mentioned having a brother, and Feliciano spoke up._ _

_ _“You have a brother?” Matthew looked at him much more relaxed than when he first sat down._ _

_ _“Yeah, Alfred, he is in the same grade as me and Gilbert.” Gilbert glanced at Matthew wondering how much about his family he was going to talk about._ _

_ _“Do you mean Alfred Jones?” Elizaveta spoke up from Matthew’s right._ _

_ _“Yeah, we’re twins,” affirmed Matthew. Feliciano looked elated._ _

_ _“I have a twin brother, too! His name is Lovino!” _ _

_ _Lovino smacked his brother on the arm. “He could’ve guessed that, idiot.” He then turned to Matthew. “So you’re telling me that annoying hamburger bastard is your twin brother.” _ _

_ _Matthew nodded. Lovino assessed him a moment before adding, “You seem nothing like him.”_ _

_ _Matthew decided he liked Lovino. It’s not that Matthew hated his brother, but it was nice to have someone like him better than Alfred for once. It was usually the other way around, since Alfred was pretty popular. It felt good to have it the other way around for once._ _

_ _Matthew spent most of the lunch talking to Gilbert and Elizaveta. He spent a little time talking with everyone at the table, but spent the majority of it chatting and joking with them since they were on either side of him. Matthew laughed at how Gilbert and Elizaveta bickered with eat other. They vaguely reminded him of a married couple. It made him wonder if they liked each other. They didn’t seem to be dating, but you never know what could happen in high school when it came to things like that._ _

_ _After ending an argument with Gilbert, Elzaveta turned to her other side to talk to Roderich, leaving Matthew and Gilbert to talk to each other._ _

_ _“So how are you doing, Mattie?” Gilbert looked at Matthew curiously slightly more serious than before. Matthew met the Gilbert’s gaze questioning his reasoning behind the question._ _

_ _“I’ve been good. Why do you ask?” Gilbert broke eye contact and shrugged. _ _

_ _“You seemed a little upset yesterday. I just wanted to make sure.” Matthew looked at Gilbert for a moment before looking at his hands._ _

_ _“Oh… yeah, yesterday was… I…” Matthew wasn’t sure what to say about the day before so he ended up saying the first thing that came to mind. “Thanks for yesterday.”_ _

_ _Gilbert swung his head to stare at Matthew unsure of how to respond. He wasn’t expecting that. Matthew ducked his head hiding a blush on his face realizing how stupid he sounded._ _

_ _Gilbert replied, “Like I said yesterday, any time.” _ _

_ _Matthew looked up at the other slightly surprised at his response. Gilbert gave him a small smile that he quickly returned. Elizaveta saw the exchange from where she was sitting not hearing what they were talking about. She met Gilbert’s eyes and smirked at him. He shot her a glare and turned back to talk to Matthew._ _

_ _Lunch passed by faster than usual for Matthew Usually, the hour seemed to drag on for him, but today it flew by in what felt like no time at all. He supposed it went fast because he was constantly in conversation with everyone at the table. It was the most social interaction he had in awhile; it left him a little tired but in a good mood. The table in the corner of the cafeteria would be his new favorite spot in the school._ _

_ _Soon, they were cleaning up their trash and saying goodbyes, promising to see each other later. A few of his new friends must have had class together, because they promised to see each other then. Gilbert walked up to Matthew and threw an arm around his shoulder._ _

_ _“They aren’t too bad, right?” _ _

_ _Matthew gave a shy smile. “They’re nice… but Lovino kind of scares me still.” Gilbert laughed._ _

_ _“You get used to it after a while.” Matthew nodded his head with his shy smile still on his face._ _

_ _“Well, I’ll see you later, Mattie. Don’t want to be late for class.” Matthew waved to Gilbert before they parted making their way to their afternoon classes._ _

_ _When he sat down in his next class, he replayed the events of lunch in his head. It was nice, a lot to take in, but nice. He talked to more people than he had in awhile. It was funny how they could all be best friends, but were all so different._ _

_ _Roderich was surprisingly quiet. Not as quiet as Matthew usually was, but he didn’t tend to lead any conversations. He only spoke up when he had something to say and didn’t idly chat like Feliciano. He came across more like a ‘follow the rules’ guy which only made it more amusing that he was friends with someone like Gilbert._ _

_ _Ludwig had a similar personality to Roderich. He spoke more than when he had something important to say, but he still seemed quite compared to the others at the table. He seemed organized to Matthew, and as if he’d rather like everything to be calm and in his control than crazy and unexpected like it was. This only made it seem odd that he could be such good friends with Feliciano. Maybe they balanced each other out._ _

_ _Feliciano was bubbly, loud, energetic, and the list could go on and on. Even though he didn’t spend much time talking with him, Matthew could easily say that Feliciano spoke the most words to him that lunch. He was unpredictable and always had something to say about anything and everything. He was just a happy teen that loved the world he lived in and everything about it. He came across like an optimistic type that always looked on the Brightside - unlike Matthew’s philosophy on life. He wasn’t yet comfortable around Feliciano yet, but he supposed that would change with time. It seemed as if you couldn’t not like the little Italian._ _

_ _Another person it would take time getting used to was Lovino. Even though his bouts of anger were targeted at everyone, Matthew couldn’t help but feel as if some of them were personally meant for him and that the other meant it. He knew it was stupid. Lovino was actually nice and, right now, found nothing to hate about the Canadian, something that was rare for the brunette, but Matthew just couldn’t help but feel that way. He knew that overtime he would get used to it; he just hadn’t been around someone with a personality like that before._ _

_ _Someone who was very used to Lovino’s personality was Antonio. Antonio was completely unfazed by any of the crass words; he actually welcomed them with open arms. Matthew remembered him saying how it had to do with Lovino showing his love - a comment that earned him a smack to the head. It was a little odd in Matthew’s opinion. He supposed that was kind of like his own parents, even though he didn’t think Lovino and Antonio were actually together. _ _

_ _Antonio had a personality like Feliciano’s but on a much lower scale. He was enthusiastic and optimistic, but behind that was a serious and calmer side. Matthew could see how he was one of Gilbert’s best friends. They had a lot in common personality wise. He found both of the teens a little silly, but that was a good thing._ _

_ _Then there was Elizaveta. She was a complex person. She was kind and patient when it came to people like Feliciano and Matthew, but had an anger when it came to others like Gilbert. She had an outgoing personality and appeared to be an understanding person. He spent most of the lunch talking with her and Gilbert, and out of everyone he had just met, felt most comfortable around her. Although, that could be just because he spent so much time talking to her._ _

_ _He still felt most comfortable around Gilbert. Not just because he was the reason he was still here, but because Gilbert was his first real friend in a long time. He was nice and treated Matthew like an actual friend even though they hadn’t known each other long. It was something Matthew respected._ _

_ _He walked to his next class in a good mood. Not only was he having a great day, but this was his favorite class. He missed it the day before when he ditched with Gilbert, so he was excited to be back in his art class. _ _

_ _The class was small, made up of people from different grades, since it was an elective. He had taken drawing one his freshman year, so now he was in drawing two where you had more creative liberties with your work. _ _

_ _He walked into the familiar art studio and sat down in his usual seat by the window. He let out a happy sigh and let himself relax for a moment breathing in the familiar smells of supplies. He reached for his backpack to take out the sketchpad he drew in earlier. He already finished their recent project in class, so he could work on whatever he wanted art-wise until the next assignment, and he was curious to see if something could be made of his semi-automatic drawing._ _

_ _He opened to a page in the middle that contained the drawing he did in homeroom. He stared at it for a moment just looking at the picture. _Was this really how I felt?_ It was odd seeing something so dark from just that morning when feeling like he did now. He ran his fingers over the page lightly. It had meaning for him since it was his emotions. _ _

_ _A voice broke him out of his thoughts._ _

_ _“Did you draw that?” Matthew jumped, surprised by the voice and met Feliciano’s eyes. He held back to urge to lean forward and cover up his work. _ _

_ _“Y-yeah, I drew it.” _ _

_ _Feliciano peered at the picture closely over Matthew’s shoulder. “It’s very good. It’s sad, but beautiful… Kind of scary.”_ _

_ _Matthew tuned to look at Feliciano who was staring at the drawing intently._ _

_ _Feliciano beamed, “You are a good artist!” He sat in the seat next to Matthew with a smile. Matthew glanced around confused and a little nervous. _ _

_ _“I didn’t know you were in this class…” _ _

_ _Feliciano looked up at him exclaiming, “I didn’t know you were here either! Now we can be art buddies!” _ _

_ _He turned to an almost blank paper and started sketching on it. Matthew looked back at his own paper deciding to finish it._ _

_ _It was an odd art class for Matthew. He usually sat by the window quietly and blocked out the rest of the world while he worked. Today, he had someone next to him that kept a steady and slow conversation going. The topics were random and unimportant, just little things that had no meaning. Feliciano was much calmer during this time as he was a very focused artist. _ _

_ _When drawing was over they packed up their belongings to head to their final class. Feliciano had drawn a few sketches using mostly brightly colored pastels. Matthew thought it matched the bubbly Italian perfectly. He was almost finished with his own drawing. It just needed some more detail in the shading, but you could really see the drawing now._ _

_ _Feliciano gave an enthusiastic goodbye as they parted in the hallway. Matthew smiled to the other saying his own goodbye before going to his own class.  
_ _

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew let out a sigh of relief when the final bell rang. The school day had dragged on and on. It wasn’t completely a bad day, but it was draining.

He walked into the hallway quickly in hopes of reaching his locker fast to make it to the bus in time. He wasn’t in the mood to walk all the way home.

He was packing books up in his locker when a person leaned on the locker next to him. He didn’t notice the other boy there until he spoke up.

“Hey.” 

Matthew flinched in surprise and met the other’s red eyes. Gilbert smirked.

“Oh, hey, Gilbert,” Matthew said trying to hide his fast heart-rate.

Gilbert cocked an eyebrow at the blond. “Oh hey? You should sound more happy to be graced in my awesome presence.” 

Matthew just laughed in waved him off with a smile. “Whatever you say,” he teased.

Gilbert pretended to pout until he saw a familiar person walking by.

“Toni! What’s up?” 

Antonio turned to them with a smile. “Nothing much. What about you guys?” 

Soon, the three were in conversation by Matthew’s locker. Matthew laughed at Gilbert and Antonio’s antics unaware at the emptiness of the hallway. Antonio glanced at his watch.

“I gotta go, guys, or I’ll be late.” 

They said their goodbyes and started heading out themselves. When they got to the front, Matthew was faced with a mostly empty parking lot and realized that the buses had already left. He had a feeling he had been forgetting something; he forgot that his bus usually leaves pretty early after school ends.

Gilbert noticed Matthew staring at where the bus line should be.

“Were you planning to ride one?” He nodded towards where the buses were usually after school.

“Yeah, but I lost track of time, so I’ll walk.” 

Gilbert grinned. “Or,” He dragged out the word earning a questioning look from Matthew. “We could give you a ride!” Gilbert jumped to accentuate his point and create a ta-da moment.

“You don’t have too. I’m fine with walking,” Matthew rushed. He hated making other people go out of their way for him. Gilbert put his arm around Matthew steering him the other way watching his reaction intently.

“We’re friends. Friends give other friends rides when they need them, and Ludwig will be cool about it too, so come on.” 

Matthew sighed let himself be steered into the parking lot. The student parking lot was still about half full with cars from stragglers and students with after-school activities. Ludwig was standing by an older car waiting for his brother. 

“Hey, Luddy. Miss me?”

“I was about to leave without you,” Ludwig stated. Gilbert just chuckled even though he knew it was true.

“Hey, we need to give Mattie here a ride.” He shook his arm that was still around Matthew’s shoulder as if Ludwig hadn’t noticed an entire person attached to Gilbert. Matthew waved awkwardly not knowing what to do. Everything going on was a new experience for him.

“Oh, Matthew. Yeah, we can give you a ride.” 

Gilbert smiled and dragged Matthew to the car. He was soon sitting in the backseat with the Beilschmidt brothers in front. It was quiet for a few moments before Matthew spoke up.

“Uh, not to be rude, but why are you driving, Ludwig?” He saw the blond in the driver’s seat raise an eyebrow. Matthew continued, “W-well, aren’t you too young?”

Gilbert let out a jittery laugh. “It’s one of those cool laws. You can get your driver’s license early if there are special circumstances. I can’t remember what it’s called, but my grandpa was able to figure it out for us.” Ludwig make a quick glance at his older brother before looking back at the street.

Matthew looked out the window wondering if he shouldn’t have spoken. He looked at the houses passing by. They would be at his soon.

The car was filled with meaningless chatter, while the radio played some alternative rock station quietly in the background. Gilbert talked the most. Matthew smiled at some of his stories from class. He understood why the teachers didn’t like Gilbert.

Soon they were at his house, and he was getting out of the car.

“Thanks for the ride guys.” 

Before Ludwig could respond Gilbert spoke up, “No problem. See you tomorrow, Mattie.”

“Yeah, see you guys tomorrow.” He waved as their car drove away the way it came.

He started walking up to his house. Around this time yesterday, he was walking the same steps very confused about what was going on. He was still a little confused, but this time it was a good thing. Things seemed to be looking up for once, even if the feelings from before were still lingering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which are heroes go home and spend time with family.

Matthew opened the door to his home slowly, and walked inside. The click of the door as it closed behind him echoed throughout the house. He stopped in the entryway for a moment.

“Hello,” He called out, pausing for a response. No one responded; he was home alone.

It wasn’t too surprising. Francis had been staying at the restaurant later, and Arthur only occasionally was home when he got to the house. After missing all of work after lunch, he probably had to stay later. He didn’t think Alfred had any after-school activities. He was pretty sure Alfred didn’t have any sports going on. Even if there was, the school was pretty laid back sports wise and didn’t have too many practices. 

He sighed and continued into the house. Alfred was probably hanging out with friends for a bit. He would be back soon. Al doing anything big, since he didn’t ask for money.

He walked into his room and threw his backpack on his desk before walking over to his bed and plopping down on his back. He stared at the ceiling for a moment. It had been another long day. Everything in his life was getting more hectic by the day. At least now it was a good thing. Soon, everything would calm down. He would get used to having friends and hang out with them after school just like Alfred. He smiled a little. The whole thing made him feel better.

He sighed and looked at the ceiling some more as boredom took over. He turned his head to the side to look at his backpack. He supposed he could get started on homework, but there really wasn’t too much he had to do, and he really didn’t want to do it. What kind of person was already doing their homework this early after school was over? _People without any real friends…_

He made a sound similar to a growl as he sat up and put the palms of his hands against his eyes. Stupid. That was so stupid. Why did he think that? He had friends now, friends that actually liked him. _…but do they really know you?_ He couldn’t help but ask himself as he moved his hands to the back of his neck and looked at the ceiling.

_They do know me, and they like me for who I am._ His mind still convinced him otherwise despite his attempts to reassure himself. He only talked to them for an hour at most. Average people like them don’t observe enough to really know him. He let out a breath trying to calm his mind. _Gilbert knows me. We talked a lot, and he still remembers me._ The thought made him feel a little better.

He wasn’t hanging out with anyone because he only met them today and Gilbert the day before. If they didn’t want to be his friend, they wouldn’t have talked to him after school. If it was all some cruel joke, they wouldn’t have given him a ride home. 

He ran a hand through his hair. He really needed to stop thinking like that, but no matter how much he told himself that, he still did. He couldn’t help it. Sometimes, it was his brain had a mind of its own. He had that mindset for so long; it would take time to change it. He wished time would go faster. If he hadn’t lightened up his previous thoughts, he could have done something bad, and his arm was starting to heal up well.

He glanced back up at his backpack. Maybe homework wasn’t a bad idea.

_______________________________________________________________

The ride back to the Beilschmidt home became quiet after Matthew was dropped off. It wasn’t an awkward quiet, but it was unusual for the two brothers. The silence made Ludwig feel a little uneasy.  
Gilbert was staring out his window on the passenger side deep in thought. He mind filtered through random things but kept returning to that blond Canadian. It was nice to see him doing so much better in such little time. He had a nice smile, and it was even nicer to be able to see it. Gilbert furrowed his brows at where his thoughts were turning. _It’s just because I’m glad to see him doing better._ He passed it off quickly and let his thoughts continue, but they still drifted back to Matthew.

Ludwig glanced at his older brother only for his eyes to be met with the back of Gilbert’s head. Usually, Gilbert was rambling on and on about some nonsense. Today he was just looking out the window deep in thought. It struck Ludwig as odd. His brother would never stare out the window quietly. He never seemed to find enjoyment in watching the world pass by. It only served to make him more restless. 

“Gilbert,” Ludwig began. Gilbert turned just enough to peer at Ludwig through the corners of his eyes.

“Huh?” Gilbert acknowledged. Ludwig took a moment to map out his words in his head, unused to conversations on the emotional side.

“Are you okay?” 

Gilbert turned more to better look at his brother. He was confused for a moment at the simple question. 

“Yeah, I was just thinking.” 

Ludwig asked, “About what?” Gilbert averted his eyes remembering his thoughts about Matthew.

“Nothing,” Gilbert attempted to evade the question. 

Ludwig raised an eyebrow at the other. “If you end up breaking anything…”

Gilbert exclaimed exasperated, “Do you really think I’m plotting something every time I stop to think? Maybe I was having an intellectual epiphany. Ever thought of that?”

Ludwig was quiet for a moment surprised at how defensive his brother got. He knew it meant Gilbert didn’t want to talk about it, and he shouldn’t dwell too much. The other usually got that way when discussing family issues. 

Gilbert sighed quietly and leaned his head to get a small glance out the window. He didn’t know why he got defensive. It just sort of came out that way. It was probably a reflex when talking about feelings. He laughed dryly in his head. _Looks like I did inherit something from dad’s side of the family._

After realizing Ludwig wasn’t going to say anything else, Gilbert decided he should say something. He didn’t want to end the conversation with his harsh words and possibly start an argument with his brother. As much as he loved to irk him, he really didn’t want to be in an ongoing fight.

“Hey, West, I really am fine.” 

“Just don’t think about it too much,” Ludwig said gently. Gilbert realized the other thought he was thinking about their mom or possibly their grandpa. 

Ludwig continued, “I shouldn’t have accused you of something right away like that, either.” 

Now Gilbert was sure his brother thought his thoughts were more of their grandpa, though he never could think about him without his mind wandering to their mom. He knew Ludwig said to drop it and not think of it anymore, even though it wasn’t on his mind before, but he couldn’t help the way it immediately came to mind. He remembered his mom’s pale blond hair as he let himself quietly surf through memories the rest of the ride home.

When they pulled up to the house both brothers took notice of the car in the driveway. Gilbert inwardly groaned. And he thought his day was going to be a good one. It started off on a good note too, especially after finding out how Matthew was doing.

His thoughts started to drift off, but he quickly bought himself back to the current moment and got out of the car with Ludwig. He started going through his mind to see if he did anything wrong recently. He hadn’t been to the office in a while, and he didn’t get caught the last time he skipped class. _Maybe it won’t be so bad._

He knew deep down he was overreacting. His grandfather did care about his well-being and never meant any wrong, but Gilbert couldn’t get himself to care about those things. The old man could probably do anything and it wouldn’t change Gilbert’s opinion of him. He could win a nobel peace prize or save children from a burning building, but Gilbert still wouldn’t like the stoic man.

He followed his brother in the house as usual and went into the kitchen planning to get a snack. He opened the fridge and grabbed a soda to drink.

“How was school?” A German-accented voice asked from the next doorway to the kitchen. The voice held a scratchy quality signaling the old age of the speaker.

Ludwig answered explaining how his day was fine, and the test he had was easy before proceeded to go upstairs to start homework.

Gilbert could tell his grandfather was looking at him without even turning around. He didn’t say anything; he just wasn’t in the mood to talk to him. He felt bad about it sometimes. Gilbert didn’t hate him, but he never liked him per say. The relationship was awkward at best.

Gilbert’s grandfather was very much like his dad. The resemblance was uncanny really. They had the same blond hair, the same eyes, and that stoic Beilschmeidt expression. The main difference between the two men were their feelings about Gilbert’s mom. 

The Beilschmeidt family had always been organized, stick to the rules kind of people. It was similar to how one would perceive a military family to be. They were all very respectful of each other and very down to earth. Gilbert’s father inherited all those traits.

Imagine his family’s reaction when he bought back a loud, outgoing person, with lots of character and personality. Needless to say, Gilbert’s grandfather was not amused with who his son had taken a liking to. The girl was a troublemaker and seemed to have no sense of responsibility. He told his son this from the beginning, but it didn’t change his feelings. 

Overtime, to couple became close. Gilbert’s grandfather overcame his dislike for the girl a little. He still did not approve of his son’s choice, but knew there was nothing he could do. He didn’t make any more hurtful comments about the girl, but it was easy to tell his dislike towards her.

Years past and the two got married. Not long after, they had their first son, Gilbert. The albino always smiled remembering his parents when he was young. He obviously took after his mother. He was loud and full of personality. When he got older it was easy to see he also had a knack for getting into trouble. 

When they visited his grandpa, it was easy to see he wasn’t fond of that kind of behavior his grandson exhibited. To him, Gilbert was disrespectful, and it didn’t help that Gilbert’s mother would laugh at his antics causing her husband to smile. It was the one reason his grandfather held his tongue - his son was happy. That was what really mattered. He would try to get used to his now crazy family.

Not long after Gilbert was born, Ludwig followed. The difference between the boys were so vast it was almost funny. Ludwig was quiet and reserved from the moment he was born, obviously taking after his father. His parents thought it was cute to see Gilbert dragging Ludwig around trying to get him to be part of his crazy antics. 

It was obvious to everyone that Gilbert’s grandfather preferred the way Ludwig acted to Gilbert. He was more used to the reserved personality. He found it a little odd how close the brothers were despite their differences. He supposed it was good because they bought out the best in each other. From that moment on, he liked Gilbert a little more than before, but they would never get over that awkward strain in their relationship. 

Like most people, Gilbert’s family only visited his grandpa occasionally, so it would take a lot more time to become comfortable. Acceptance only became harder to grasp with time partly because Gilbert figured out his grandfather disliked his mother. 

Gilbert’s mom was his favorite person, and the only one who he felt truly understood him. He loved her. In his mind, he would even go as far to say he was a full out mama's boy. He couldn’t deny it; it was true. He loved his mom. He liked his family, and loved his brother. He was never fond of visiting his grandpa, but he would suck it up. At the time, he was content with his life and thought everything was great.

Then, the crash happened. Gilbert will always remember it: going to the hospital, holding Ludwig, even the pictures of what the car looked like after the crash. It was horrible. Their vehicle was destroyed. He had the pictures somewhere; he kept copies of most of the pictures from the report. They were locked away somewhere because he couldn’t even get himself to look at them. 

He had trouble with cars for a while after the incident. As much as he wanted to see his parents again, he didn’t want to go like they did. That moment in his life was hard. His best friend was gone and all he could do was cry and hope it was a dream. On top of that, he had to live with the person who always disliked his best friend.

He got in a lot of trouble after the incident, too. He refused to listen to anything his grandpa said. He had convinced himself that the old man was happy, that he was glad she was gone. He knew it wasn’t true and that he just didn’t openly show his sadness, but it felt good to blame someone. 

Ludwig handled it a lot better than Gilbert. He was very close to his father, so it still hit him hard, but he was able to recover much faster - at least outwardly. He also had better control over his emotions. He was sad, but wouldn’t break down like his brother. He was there to calm Gilbert down in those moments when Gilbert let out all his anger at the world and then cried.

Nothing like that had happened in a long while. He always would get a little depressed when thinking about his parents. He spent the majority of his childhood with them, and would feel abandoned when his thoughts went there. He wouldn’t let anyone talk to him about it, and still tried to avoid it at all costs despite the large number of years that had passed. 

The only person who could really bring it up was Ludwig, since he lost the same thing, and sometimes his grandfather, but the subject was always touchy with him. Gilbert still felt that his grandfather disliked him because he reminded him of his mother sometimes. It probably wasn’t true, but he couldn’t help his feelings. Maybe he still held a childish grudge after all these years.

“Did you hear anything I said?” His grandfather’s voice came from next to him bringing Gilbert out of his thoughts.

“Huh? I zoned out a little, no,” Gilbert admitted.

The older man looked like he was going to say something, but stopped himself and sighed quietly.

“And how was your day?” 

Gilbert replied fast, “Fine.” His grandfather shifted his weight.

“And how is school going?” 

Gilbert still didn’t move from his spot. “As good as school could go.” 

The older man gave him a stern look. “How are you doing in your classes?” 

Gilbert tensed a little. _Shit._

“Good. I’m doing good,” Gilbert lied. His grandpa pulled a paper out of his pocket, unfolded it, and showed Gilbert.

“Do you consider this good?” 

Gilbert took a glance at the paper. It was his last French test, his failing French test at that. He didn’t do well in his grades last quarter, so he should have expected the old man to try to keep up with how he was doing even with his busy schedule.

Gilbert fumed, “It’s not my fault the stupid school makes me take French or Spanish! I’d be doing fine if they offered German.” He didn’t know why he yelled. It just happened sometimes. He always felt on a lower scale when around his grandpa.

Gilbert’s grandfather remained calm. “Why can’t you just study like –” 

Gilbert cut him off. “Like Ludwig? I wonder why everyone can’t be _just like him_!”

“Gilbert you know that’s not what I –”

“You know what? I don’t care what you think! Go ahead and think of me as a failure, because I don’t care!” He turned and made his way up the stairs quickly, stomping his feet loudly with each step.

His grandfather took a deep breath to calm his own anger before slowly following after.

Gilbert slammed his door and kicked the walled next to it. He threw a few things across the room angrily before sitting down on his bed and opening his dresser drawer next to it. He peered inside to look at an old family picture he kept there. He didn’t notice he was crying until he was having trouble seeing the photograph through his blurred vision.

“Why’d it have to happen?” He whispered the words slowly as he put his head in his hands. He gripped his hair tightly.

“Dammit!” he yelled as he laid back and punched the bed. He stared at the ceiling trying to calm himself. He could hear faint muffling outside his room.

His grandpa was outside about to knock when Ludwig came out of his room across the hall. 

“He was thinking about her today,” Ludwig spoke up. The older man turned to look at his grandson.

“What?”

“He was thinking about them.” He nodded towards Gilbert’s door. The older sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“That boy…” he muttered quietly to himself. He took one more look at Gilbert’s room before retreating down the stairs.

Ludwig looked at his brother’s door for a few more minutes deciding he would give him some time before checking on him.

Gilbert let out a shaky breath as he heard the retreating footsteps. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He hated when people had to see him so weak. It wasn’t awesome.

He lay there staring at the ceiling, trying to find patterns in the molding to calm himself. After a few moments, he felt better, but not enough to get up. His mind started wondering to earlier thoughts.

He couldn’t help wonder if Matthew ever had fights with his parents like this. He seemed too nice, but he had fight in him. He didn’t know why he was wondering about that, but his thoughts kept getting filled more and more with the indigo eyed boy.

_______________________________________________________________

Words were yelled across the dinner table.

“That is totally unfair!” a voice screamed.

A different voice roared back, “it is most certainly is not! You need to learn that you can’t pick fights with people like that!”

“But he was doing bad things! He deserved it!” 

Matthew smiled lightly from his spot at the table. Turned out Alfred wasn’t hanging out with friends today. He had after school detention. Apparently, he punched someone and started a fight. He claimed they were bullying somebody else, but it was more than likely a misunderstanding. They were probably joking with friends or someone called somebody else a name and got punched by a kid with a hero complex. 

The yelling started to die down as usual. Things like this weren’t an uncommon occurrence in the house. Alfred had a personality that screamed to be free. He never could stay in one place long and always felt the need to break the mold. 

It would start with an incident, proceed with Arthur scolding Alfred, and then, depending on what it was, it might have a few yelling sentences before leaving Alfred pouting. Because Arthur had grounded the Alfred, he was now at the pouting stage.

Matthew never fully understood the pouting. He never did it when he didn’t get his way, but then again he also wasn’t one to fight for it like Al. He still thought his brother looked funny like that – sitting there with his arms crossed and his lip protruding slightly. He knew his Papa felt the same way about the whole ordeal, too.

“So, Mathieu, how was your day?” Francis spoke up now that the earlier outburst was resolved.   
Everyone at the table turned to look at Matthew waiting for what he would say. His parents were simply interested to know, but Alfred seemed to be trying to read something deeper in him.

“It was great,” he responded nonchalantly despite meaning his words. Francis cracked a small smile at his words.

Arthur nodded approvingly. “That’s great to hear.” 

Matthew gave an uneasy smile noticing his twin still looking at him. 

Alfred stared at him for a few more seconds before turning back to his plate. His brother seemed to be telling the truth, but that obviously meant it wasn’t good before… what happened that was particularly great today? He felt like he was missing something big, but he couldn’t figure it out. At least Mattie was happy; that’s all that mattered anyways.

Simple talk resumed at the table as they all continued eating. Francis didn’t add his thoughts to the conversation as much as he normally would. His mind was occupied elsewhere. 

Lately, he couldn’t stop thinking about the blades Gilbert found in Matthew’s room. Though he felt that Matthew would come talk to him if anything was wrong, something didn’t seem right about it. Why would he have those there in the first place? He thought back to what Gilbert had told him. His son sitting across from him wouldn’t do that. It just didn’t make sense. 

He found his eyes trailing his son’s arms anyways. There was nothing to see but the sleeves of his favorite red hoodie. He wasn’t acting like he did something like that… but then again, how would he know exactly how those people act? None of it was making sense. There had to be a reason those blades were there.

Matthew looked up feeling Francis’s gaze, and gave a shy smile. Francis smiled back before turning to his own food. There had to be a perfectly good reason why they were there. He just knew it.

_______________________________________________________________

Ludwig stood in front of his brother’s door and took a deep breath. Gilbert had been in there for a while, so he probably had calmed down a bit. He opened the door and knocked at the same time entering the room.

Gilbert looked up from his spot on the bed to glance at who came in. After a quick glance, he turned back to his opened textbook and homework.

“East?” Ludwig said. Gilbert paused and looked up at his brother again.

“Hey, West.” Ludwig sat down in Gilbert’s desk chair backwards so he could lean on the back.

“How are you doing?” 

Gilbert answered hastily, “Fine. Why do you ask?”

“I heard you earlier.” The room was silent for a moment.

“Sorry,” Gilbert muttered. 

Ludwig sighed. “You don’t need to apologize. But how are you holding up?” 

Gilbert turned to sit on the edge of the bed and dangled his feet. “Okay, I just needed to breathe for a moment.” Ludwig nodded understanding his older brother’s words.

“What are you doing?” Ludwig asked. He nodded towards the papers on the bed. Gilbert turned to look at the papers acknowledging them before responded quietly, “Homework.”

Ludwig raised an eyebrow. Gilbert usually waited until the last minute to finish any homework. Gilbert saw his questioning look and let out a small chuckle.

“I know what you’re thinking, but good-for-nothings don’t do homework.” 

Ludwig gave Gilbert a sad look. “You don’t have to prove anything to show you aren’t a good-for-nothing.” Gilbert smiled dryly.

“I know, but sometimes I just feel…” Gilbert trailed off. He looked down. It was hard to describe.

“I understand.” Luckily, his brother knew what he would say if he could find words or even understood how he felt about it all. 

Ludwig continued, “You going to be okay?” Gilbert nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna finish my homework and stuff. I’ll talk to you later.” 

Ludwig nodded again before getting up.

“Okay, bruder.”

Gilbert stood up and stretched his arms after Ludwig left. He felt much better than earlier. He hadn’t had a breakdown like that in a long time. At least his younger brother could cheer him up a little.  
He walked over to Gilbird’s cage and peered inside at the bird cleaning its feathers.

“Hey, bud, don’t think I forgot about you today.” He opened the cage and Gilbert flew out and around Gilbert’s head a few times tweeting.

Gilbert chuckled and then leaned back watching his bird fly about. He glanced at his homework and bit his lip. He wasn’t really just a misfit mess-up, but sometimes he felt that was how everybody saw him.

He stood there thinking for a few moments. Gilbird landed and settled into his hair after tiring from flying about the room. Maybe Ludwig was right. He helped Mattie, and a good-for-nothing doesn’t do things like that. He smiled a little thinking of his friend. He seemed to be doing so much better in one day. He seemed genuinely happy, and that smile… 

Gilbert dragged a hand over his face deciding maybe he should get back to his homework. He didn’t want to end up with a tutor due to his ever-slipping grades. He had trouble concentrating, but he managed to get it done. It was surprising. He never finished his work so efficiently before. 

He stretched and decided he should get something to eat before heading to bed. He was drained after everything that happened earlier, and he wanted to be able to at least get out of bed tomorrow morning for school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gilbert has a bad day, and Matthew helps.

Ludwig was hurrying around his room getting dressed. He had woken up a tad later than usual, and he was trying to catch up to usual schedule. He liked being punctual, and he only had just enough time in the morning to get everything that needed to be done done. 

After getting dressed, he made his way across the hall to Gilbert’s room. He always attempted to wake Gilbert up at least once before eating breakfast. He paused outside the door. He hoped Gilbert wasn’t still hung up about yesterday. He sometimes could end up dwelling on those things too long and get stuck in a spiral, since he tried his best not to even think about them on a normal basis.

He opened the door expecting to see the sheets thrown everywhere and his older brother asleep like a rock tangled in what sheets were left on the bed. Instead, he was met with a neatly fixed bed and an empty room. 

Ludwig stared for a moment in confusion. He couldn’t even remember the last time he saw that bed even close to orderly, much less completely fixed pillows and all. Then his mind wandered to the next thing out of place. _Where is Gilbert?_

He walked down the stairs slowly, pondering everything. He wondered about the state of his brother’s room. He pondered the idea that he had snuck off somewhere after last night, but knew it probably wasn’t true. He had a pretty good idea what it was. His thoughts were proven correct when he entered the kitchen. 

Gilbert was sitting at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal in front of him. He was still in pajama pants and a t-shirt, but his hair was combed down. His feet were up on the chair pushing his knees against him as he sat close to the table. He held a spoon in his hand lazily and tapped it against his bowl lightly as he stared into space. 

“Bruder?” Ludwig said.

Gilbert shook his head in short quick movements as Ludwig’s voice broke him out of his thoughts. He turned his head to get a look at his brother. He gave the other a funny lopsided grin.

“Hey West.”

Ludwig furrowed his brows at the albino. His eyes had seemed so tired when they look at him, and they lacked that curious mischievous glint that was purely Gilbert. He observed the other slowly before deciding it was a bad decision for him to go to bed after their discussion the previous night. He probably had dreamed about what happened.

“Gilbert, what are you doing up?”

“I wanted to eat some breakfast before getting ready for school.” Gilbert looked at his bowl of cereal as if the soggying of the pieces into the milk was the most interesting thing ever. He knew the other expected a bunch of horrible things to have happened to him, but it wasn’t the case.

He did dream about the crash, but this time the dream was different. Usually he was watching the crash happen; he was in the car with his parents sitting next to his mom, or, even worse, he was the one driving the car that got in the wreck with them and had to watch the life leave their eyes. He shuddered at the thought. No, it wasn’t like that. He actually hadn’t had one of those dreams in a long time. 

In this dream, he was driving the car into his parent’s. He couldn’t see them, but he recognized their car. He couldn’t move; it scared him. Then he saw someone in his passenger’s seat. Matthew was there. He didn’t remember it all. He was sure words were spoken, but he couldn’t remember them. All he could remember was the strong feeling he had to save the other when he saw him in the car with him. Then, he could move and maneuver the car so as not to hit the one his parents were in. Something after that happened, but he couldn’t remember for the life of him. He always had trouble remembering dreams.

He had groaned when he woke up. He was even starting to dream about the kid. At least they didn’t hit his parents.

“East?” 

Gilbert shook his head. “Huh?” 

“You zoned out on me.” Ludwig gave him a concerned look. “Are you okay?”

Gilbert gave a jittery laugh. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You aren’t acting like yourself.” 

Gilbert looked down and spoke in a quieter tone, “Maybe that’s a good thing.” Ludwig looked like he was about to say something before the other spoke up again. “I need to get dressed.”

Gilbert stood up making a low screeching sound with the chair before leaving the room. Ludwig wouldn’t understand. He was good, did things right, and gave a reason for others to be proud of him; Gilbert just didn’t. He was some sort up mess-up. He played pranks, skipped school, got bad grades, and everything parents would be ashamed of. He liked it. That was who he was… but it made him a failure of sorts. Of course if he couldn’t do it right, then it was some sort of joke. And of course he couldn’t do anything up to anyone’s standards. It was disheartening, and it was dismaying to know people looked down on him because he wasn’t good enough, because he didn’t live up to their standards. If only he was someone else. That’s what they all say.

He had trouble describing it, even to himself. The feeling was odd, and he was tired of it. Why the hell was he never good enough? Even his friends would criticize his antics at times, some more than others, but they’d all do it occasionally. Thus is the life of a screw-up. 

Ludwig watched his brother leave. He really didn’t know what to do. He struggled with feelings, something he strongly inherited from his father, and Gilbert was just a hurricane of deeper emotions. It was something about him no one really had the chance to see, but it was there, and it was saddening.

He knew what Gilbert was doing. He was going through one of his phases. He would attempt to be the perfect person, the child every parent could only wish to have. He would forget about his happiness and interests and try to be what he perceived others to think of as good despite how much he struggled.

As much as his brother’s antics annoyed him, he hated seeing him like this. He was forcing himself to be someone he wasn’t because he thought people looked down on him. Without someone like his mom around to show it was okay, to him it seemed like his personality was a bad thing.

Ludwig sighed and continued getting ready for the day. Something like this hadn’t happened to Gilbert in a long time, but Ludwig thought this could be the beginning of a bad week for him.

_______________________________________________________________

Gilbert looked at himself in the mirror and scowled. He decided against wearing a t-shirt and his usual style jeans today. He attempted to wear a polo, but he found the sight sickening. It wasn’t him. He didn’t belong in something like that. 

He ran a hand through his hair angrily and gripped it. He glared at his reflection. His red eyes just glared back at him with as much force — those eyes, those stupid, stupid eyes. Some people thought they were like a devil. He had demon eyes to match his sinful personality. 

He leaned closer to the mirror still glaring with a frown. He didn’t really believe anything was wrong with his personality deep down. So what if he was energetic and spoke his mind? But it didn’t matter how he felt deep down. After a while, others’ words got to him. 

He leaned back and stared at his whole reflection. His eyes focused on the shirt. It really didn’t fit him. 

“Fucking shit,” he cursed under his breath. This wasn’t working. He went back into his room and changed into something more comfortable. 

After dragging on a nicer t-shirt and throwing the polo angrily across the room, he checked his bag to get ready to go. Once he was sure he was ready, he stopped by Gilbird’s cage and peered inside.

“Hey, bud.” The bird’s beady eyes looked back at him.

Gilbert opened the cage and took a step back. The bird still sat there for a moment used to his usual schedule where he was only let out later in the day. Once he realized the wire door was opened, he flew out and started gliding across the room happy for the chance to stretch his wings.

Gilbert sat back and watched. His bird was flying at a slower, leisurely pace compared to his usual excited speed. He watched his bird for a few minutes before deciding he needed to go.

He let Gilbird continue gliding about the room as he left and closed the door behind him. He would leave the bird out today. He normally felt bad about keeping the thing locked up. He knew he wouldn’t like it.

Soon the two brothers found themselves in the car on the way to school. The car was silent, but the silence felt loud, full of unspoken words. Both of the teens heads were full brimming with thoughts and things they could be saying.

Gilbert was a little tense about getting in the car after his dream. This did not go unnoticed by Ludwig. He was worried about his younger brother. Despite their obvious personality clash, they were still close. After the incident Gilbert cared for Ludwig more than anything, partially because they were family and partially just for the fact that he didn’t want the other to disappear too and leave him alone. Those few years after the crash bought them very close together, and they still were.

Ludwig glanced to the passenger seat to get a look at Gilbert. The albino was looking out the window with furrowed eyebrows. His mouth was a line and his whole composure seemed listless. Ludwig could tell he was uncomfortable. He never liked seeing his brother hate himself like this. It was something an outgoing person like that shouldn’t have to deal with. 

He turned back to focus more on the approaching school. Maybe being at school would be a good distraction for him.

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew awoke from a good night’s sleep from the sound of his alarm. He sat up and stretched. He felt so alive. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept this good. And sleeping like this two days in a row? It was euphoria. 

He attempted to tam his messy hair with his hands as he grabbed a t-shirt and a pair of jeans to wear. He changed quickly and stretched some more, still half asleep. His eyes focused on his hoodie while he had his hands intertwined in the air stretching his arms. He would wait to put it on. It had been hot the last few days. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy wearing the hoodie and the comforts it gave him, but sometimes it could get stuffy wearing it, especially in the high humidity the area had been having recently.

He walked to the bathroom quickly in almost a run. He didn’t want anyone to catch a glimpse of his injuries if they were up and about. 

Once safely inside with the door locked, he took off his bandages and inspected his cuts. They were healing nicely since he hadn’t created any new ones recently. He almost didn’t have to replace the wrappings, but he did anyways just in case. 

After re-wrapping his healing arm, he finished getting ready; then headed downstairs to get breakfast.

He felt good today. He leaned against the counter with a small smile and checked the time. 

He quickly did a double take of the numbers displayed on the screen. That couldn’t be right. If it was true, the bus would be leaving soon. As much as he wanted to think otherwise, he knew it was true.

He quickly pulled on shoes, grabbed his hoodie and his backpack, and ran out the door. He pulled his arms threw the red sleeves of his hoodie wearing it half on while carrying his backpack on his back. 

He picked up speed when he saw the other teens boarding his bus. _I can make it. I can make it._ For once, luck was on his side. He stepped onto the metal steps of the bus right as the driver was closing the door. He sat down quickly in a seat by the front with a sigh to catch his breath. It had been a while since he had to run and actually _made_ it. 

After taking a moment to get his breathing back to normal, he turned to view the heads of everyone else on the almost full bus. He scanned the crowd in search of Alfred. He wondered if he made it to the bus. It would be a little surprising if he slept in and skipped, but not unheard of. It would be more likely that he had already boarded and just forgot about Matthew.

Just as he thought, he caught a glimpse of a cowlick that could only belong to his brother. He was talking animatedly with a smaller brown haired boy that was listening politely to the other.

Matthew turned back around in his seat and pulled the rest of his hoodie on. He made himself comfortable and took to looking out the window as usual. 

He kept changing his posture. He just couldn’t sit still. He was too excited to sit there and reflect on nothing as he normally did. He was going to school where he would meet up with friends, with people who actually liked him and paid attention to him. He had yet to get used to the idea was still excited by it. 

When the bus stopped he exited first with an unnoticeable bounce to his step. He started heading towards his locker to gather his books for his morning classes secretly hoping to get the chance to talk with Gilbert.

_______________________________________________________________

Feliciano looked at Gilbert with confusion. Feliciano was walking with Lovino down the hallway looking for Ludwig. When he caught a glimpse of him, he saw Gilbert standing next to him looking rather downcast.

“Hi Ludwig!” Ludwig cracked a small smile at the other. 

“Good morning, Feliciano… Lovino.” Lovino scowled back.

“Potato bastard.” He looked at Gilbert who was looking at the scene but didn’t seem to really be paying any attention.

“Potato bastard number two.” Gilbert stiffened at his words. _Number two… Number two… I’m not even good enough for my own insult now? Do I really even suck at sucking? _

Lovino looked at the other with slight surprise. It was not the reaction he was expecting out of the other. No joking? No comebacks? It was very unlike Gilbert. Feliciano looked at the other sadly knowing something was wrong by the pitying look Ludwig gave his brother.

Feliciano asked, “Gilbert, is something wrong?” Gilbert’s eyes focused a little and turned to see Feliciano’s worried expression. _He is wasting his good time._

“It’s okay, Feli. You don’t need to worry about me.” He took that moment to make his leave and head to homeroom early. He just didn’t want to talk to anyone today. He knew he was being selfish to the others and that didn’t deserve to be treated so coldly. He knew right now they were probably discussing his differences. He could practically imagine what they were saying. _He is being less loud. He is being calm._ Heck, maybe they were saying he was being _good._ He knew Lovino was probably saying he was being less of a bastard.

He passed Antonio on his way to homeroom, but didn’t acknowledge him. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone. He just needed some time to clear his head and think about things on his own. He knew everyone would understand it. He hadn’t had a moment like this in a long time, but they knew that it was best to let him be until it all passed over. No one was ever able to say anything to snap him out of it in the past.

Elizaveta noticed Gilbert’s change of behavior in homeroom. She attempted conversation once, but decided to let him be afterwards. It was easy to tell his thoughts were jumbled and talking wasn’t helping it. She knew he was going through one of those “trying to be perfect” phases that he’d gone through a few times in the past. She actually thought he had gotten past this a long time ago, but apparently those feelings were still there. Something must have triggered it. There had to be something that made him feel insignificant or in a great need to please.

She had a feeling what it was, but didn’t think something that small could cause this. Maybe a bunch of stuff happened at once along with this? She wasn’t exactly sure, but if Gilbert wasn’t feeling any better soon she would have to talk to him. 

Gilbert knew Elizaveta was worried about him. He didn’t understand why. It was better like this. Once he stopped being a pussy about acting better, he would be able to talk more. He was just being sour about not being able to be the person he wanted. His thoughts did nothing to make him feel any better.

He was glad when the bell rang signaling first period. It felt awkward sitting next to someone he knew was worrying about him. He didn’t think they could understand. None of them could make him better because none of them knew what it was like.

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew was in a good mood as he walked to his second period class. He didn’t see Gilbert in the morning, and it caused some bad feelings for a few moments. He was thinking he would be friendless again and that everything about them being friends wasn’t true, but he was able to get over it fast. He knew he just hadn’t crossed paths with Gilbert. It wasn’t a small school after all.

He was glad he had a class with Gilbert. That meant he could see him at least once a day no matter what, and they even sat next to each other. He didn’t know why he was always so glad to see Gilbert. He usually put it off to the fact he was one of his only friends, but the same joy wasn’t there when he talked to the other members of the lunch table. He was happy to see them too of course, but the happiness he got when seeing Gilbert was different. 

He walked into the almost full classroom quietly — he hadn’t broken the habit of leaving class last and still was one of the last students to arrive most periods. He walked just as silently to the back of the class and sat in his seat next to Gilbert. He glanced at Gilbert and saw him digging through his backpack taken out supplies for class. He never thought of Gilbert as a studious person, and couldn’t remember him taking notes before, but maybe Gilbert had just forgotten his notebook yesterday.

He sat there quietly for a moment watching Gilbert subtly. Did he still remember him? Did he know he was there? Maybe he just didn’t want to talk to him today… 

Matthew decided he was just being stupid. Gilbert was getting ready for class. Of course he wouldn’t say anything. The Canadian shifted in his seat nervously trying to muster the courage to speak first. Usually, he waited for someone else to speak to him before talking to someone. He never liked when he talked and nobody noticed.

While gathering his courage and trying to ignore his anxiety, he noticed a few things different about Gilbert. He seemed tired. Actually, he seemed completely out of it as if he wasn’t all there. _Is he sick?_

“H-hi Gilbert.” Matthew’s works came out almost like a squeak. Gilbert turned his head quickly to see who had spoken to see Matthew looking at him shyly and a little embarrassed. Gilbert paused for a moment when he saw Matthew, but he quickly recovered.

“Hey, Matt.” He smiled, and Matthew relaxed a bit.

“Are you sick? You don’t look like you feel well.” Gilbert’s smile grew. Truthfully, he was starting to feel a little better all of a sudden.

“I’m fine, just a bit tired.” 

“Oh, did you have trouble sleeping?” 

Gilbert leaned back in his chair, ignoring the better posture he was supposed to be having since he was trying to be ‘good.’ 

“Nah, but I had this really weird dream.”

“What was it?” 

Gilbert flashed the other a mischievous grin.

“You were in it.” Just the mention of being in another’s dream caused Matthew to blush instantly, a look Gilbert secretly enjoyed. Gilbert waited a moment mentally chuckling at the other’s reaction before continuing, “We were driving in a car, and you helped me not get into a crash.” The mischievous glint in his eyes turned into something softer. 

Matthew smiled back shyly. “That sounds nice.” Matthew turned to face the front of the class when the teacher started talking. 

Gilbert turned slowing muttering, “Yeah,” softly under his breath.

Despite his original plan to take awesome notes in class like the perfect straight-A student he was attempting to be, he only ended up doodling random pictures all over the page. Not that he minded. His plans about becoming what other people found acceptable were completely forgotten after talking with Matthew. They never lasted long when he got like that anyways.

He turned his head and looked at the blond taking some final notes as the teacher finished up. He had this look of concentration on his face as he wrote that amused Gilbert to no end. The other turned to him suddenly, unaccustomed to the feeling of someone looking at him.

Matthew paused when his eyes met Gilbert’s and he mouthed, “What,” at the other’s look. Gilbert just smiled and shook his head signaling nothing as he turned back to the teacher who was saying something about homework.

Not long after, the bell rang signifying the end of class. Gilbert slung his backpack on his shoulder and sat on his desk as he watched Matthew pack his bags.

Matthew said, “You don’t have to wait for me you know.” Gilbert just rolled his eyes.

“We’re friends, and we’re heading in the same direction.” 

Matthew stood up and fixed his glasses. “Yeah, but—” 

Gilbert cut him off. “But you should be glad I’m gracing you with my awesome presence. I know.” 

Matthew laughed at Gilbert’s antics as they started walking to their next classes together chatting. When they were almost to the hall where they went their separate ways, Gilbert changed the subject.

“Hey, at lunch meet me in front of the cafeteria again, okay?” 

“Okay, but I packed my lunch today.”

“Me too, so it all works out,” he paused, “Well, I’ll see you then.” 

Matthew smiled at Gilbert while nodding in response. Gilbert stuttered turning around as he looked at Matthew. 

“Bye Gilbert.” 

Gilbert chuckled to himself as he started heading to his own class. It was hard to believe the person smiling _that_ smile had tried to end their life mere days before. The thought made him sad, but then the image of Matthew’s smile came back to him, of the happiness shown in those indigo eyes. It had only been days and he already seemed to be doing so much better.

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew left his fourth period class immediately after the bell making himself one of the first students to leave. He wanted to get to the cafeteria early, but he had to stop by his locker and grab his lunch first. 

He maneuvered the hallways with a speed and precision he only ever showed when playing hockey, skillfully avoiding the other students that were walking toward the cafeteria. He was more excited for lunch today than the day before. He was still a little nervous, but his excitement helped mask it. He was too happy to let nerves get in the way of him having a good lunch with his _friends._

He smiled to himself at the thought as he unlocked his locker. It was still a little weird for him, but he was really starting to accept it to be true. He had friends, real friends that actually remembered him, not just for passing moments but on a constant basis. He knew it took them a moment to really process who he was, with the exception of Gilbert, but he didn’t mind. The fact the he was remembered and liked for who he was was enough to make up for the few awkward seconds after a greeting. 

He made it to the cafeteria entrance before the second bell even rung. He felt a little awkward at first, realizing how quickly he came. Why did he want to get here so fast? He thought about it as he watched the other students file into the cafeteria.

A few minutes later in what felt much longer to the Canadian, Gilbert came walking down the hallway.

“Man, you got here early! Just couldn’t wait to see my awesomeness, huh?” Gilbert playfully smirked at the blond. Matthew felt his cheeks heat up at the other’s words. 

He tried to think of a response, but only ended up stuttering, “Uh, I, umm, it, uh, I-it’s lunch.” 

His face reddened at his voice, and he gave a shy smile to Gilbert hoping he would forget about his awkwardness. He just wasn’t completely used to Gilbert’s joking yet.

Gilbert felt a grin creep into his face at Matthews’s reaction. “So it is.” 

Matthew felt himself become even more embarrassed under Gilbert’s amused gaze. Gilbert teased, “You must really like lunch to skedaddle down here so fast.”

“Uh… I-it’s delicious?” Matthew questioned. Gilbert laughed, and a shy smile was added to Matthew’s embarrassed and nervous expression. 

Gilbert shook his head goodnaturedly. “Man, you are just too cute.” Matthew’s eyes widened as he processes his words.

“Wha–“ He didn’t get the chance to finish before Gilbert through an arm over his shoulder and started steering him towards the lunch room.

“Let’s not just stand here! We need to go eat lunch!” He smirked down at the other. “Especially if you love lunch so much.”

He laughed again at the way Matthew flushed as he led them towards the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!
> 
> This was the last of the super early chapters. I took a break and wrote the next set when I was around 16, so there are less errors.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew and Gilbert talk to friends and make plans

They say art is a form of expression, a way to get emotions out when you can’t say them. Matthew always supposed those words were true. He used art as an escapist activity. He could lose himself in his work and just forget about the world around him. He could forget about being forgotten and ignored; he could forget about having no friends. 

That is how he usually spent his art class. He sat in the back, got the assignment, and then proceeded to lose himself in his work where only the noise of his fellow students leaving brought him back to the world. He liked it that way. It was a relaxing moment in his day where he could just think and draw.

He sat down in his usual seat in art class by the window getting ready for the new assignment the teacher would give them if he was there. The teacher tended to be absent quite a bit, so the students would have days to work on their own art pieces.

Since his class before was close by, Matthew had gotten there early and allowed his mind to wander. He thought about the previous lunch period he had earlier.

It was a really good period. He was starting to believe lunch would be his favorite part of the day. It already was in the top three after art and the one class he had with Gilbert. It could pass up art once everyone got used to him and he them. He still felt a little nervous around all of them, but his nerves were feeling better. He knew some of them had trouble remembering his name at first sight, but he was able to put it off as them not having learned it yet and think about how at least he was remembered.

Everyone was as lively and talkative as the day before, and this time Matthew felt more of an initiative to join in and add his thoughts every so often. He kept mostly to conversation with Gilbert, but he was slowly opening up to everyone else.

One thing stood out to him when they arrived at lunch, though, and he kept thinking back to it. When they arrived there was a shared look given towards Gilbert. Ludwig seemed to observe his brother carefully while Feliciano looked on with a worried expression. 

Matthew didn’t understand why they were so worried about Gilbert. He seemed fine and like his usual cocky self. He supposed that something did happen this morning, but Gilbert had just gotten over it. That or he was hiding his true feelings, but Matthew highly doubted it. He felt that he would be able to tell if something was bothering the other. To Matthew, it seemed as if he had just forgotten about it. 

His thoughts seemed to be proven at least partially true by the expression held by Ludwig and Feliciano when Gilbert had first spoken about how much awesomer the table was now that he arrived. Feliciano just seemed happy and grinned turning into his usually optimistic self, while Ludwig looked on a little longer, surprised. 

The rest of lunch went on as it did the day before, but Matthew’s mind kept thinking back to the looks. After a while, he noticed Elizaveta glancing at Gilbert every so often as if she was wondering about his behavior. She seemed to accept it, but it only made him question more. He considered the possibility that the two got into another fight, but that it escalated farther than usual. He concluded it was probably some drama between them. After observing others from the sidelines for so long, he realized drama and little fights were just a part of high school.

He was broken out of his thoughts by a loud, energetic voice.

“Matteo!” Matthew visibly jumped in his seat at the sound of Feliciano’s voice. He suddenly became more conscience of his stance and everything he was saying with the Italian’s wide eyes on him.

“H-hi Feliciano. How are you?” Feliciano grinned widely and sat next to him.

“I’m doing great!” Matthew listened to Feliciano ramble for a few minutes before seeing the substitute teacher walk in. He sighed realizing it would just be another free draw class before taking out his supplies. After getting ready for some sketching, he tuned back into the conversation with Feliciano ready to add his own words to it.

“It was nice to see that you were able to cheer up Gilbert today.” 

Matthew stopped what he was doing and looked at the Italian. “What?” 

Feliciano punctuated his words with pencil strokes as he responded, “Gilbert. He was not himself today, but when he came to lunch you had already cheered him up and made him happy! No one has ever been able to do that to Gilbert when he gets like that! Not that fast.” 

Matthew looked at the other for a moment processing his words. _Gilbert wasn’t… himself?_ At first it didn’t seem quite right, but it made sense as he thought back to when he had first seen Gilbert in the morning. The other had seemed out of it, a little depressed if he were to put a word to it. It seemed unlike Gilbert to act like that, but he knew good and well there was always more to people than what they showed.

It made sense, but the knowledge only added question in his mind: Why was Gilbert so upset? And what did he do to make the cocky albino feel better? Matthew couldn’t quench his bubbling curiosity for a deeper understanding of his friend in the recesses of his mind.

Matthew asked, “Why was Gilbert so upset this morning?” Feliciano perked up at the not stuttered question then took on a concentrated face.

“Well… I’m not entirely sure. He never really likes to talk about it, and it’s happened before a long time ago…” 

“So… he just shuts down?” Matthew clarified.

Feliciano shrugged his shoulders. “Pretty much. For some reason he just… gets upset with himself, I guess, and tries to fix it. He usually gets over it himself after a little while, but you were able to cheer him up!” Feliciano finished with a smile only thinking about the positive.

Matthew furrowed his brows. _But I didn’t do anything._

Feliciano continued, “How were you able to do it?” Feliciano had gone back to sketching and started swinging his feet back and forth. Matthew paused at the question. He really didn’t know.

“N-nothing. He seemed a little off when I first saw him, but he was fine after I started talking with him. I don’t think I did anything…” He trailed off. Feliciano grinned.

“Maybe that was just enough to cheer him up.” Matthew still looked confused, but decided to accept it. All that mattered was that Gilbert was fine now anyways.

“I suppose.” 

Feliciano glanced at the Canadian with a knowing glint in his eye. People usually said he was unperceptive, but there were some things that he was perceptive about. The real reason why Gilbert was cheered up so easily was one of them.

Matthew went back to his own sketching for the rest of class pondering what he had been told. Maybe he would find out later.

_______________________________________________________________

“Don’t lie Gilbert. There’s no need to be embarrassed.” 

Gilbert seethed at his friend’s overly happy voice. She had been bugging him all through last period, and now, despite class being over, she still wouldn’t let it go. At first he could understand why Elizaveta would come to that conclusion, but the fact that she wouldn’t drop it no matter how many times he denied her words was frankly starting to get on his last nerve.

“Just drop it already, Liz! I’ve already told you I don’t like him like that!” Elizaveta was completely unfazed by his outburst, and continued trying to get him to admit his feelings for Matthew, whether he knew they existed or not.

Gilbert picked up his speed slightly in the crowded hall in a small effort to lose the other teen. Elizaveta took a few large steps to catch back up before continuing, “Oh come on. You were all depressed this morning, but after talking with Matthew you were completely fine. How do you explain that?” 

She looked at him expectantly wanting him to give up already.

“I got over it by lunch. It was just a morning thing, okay?” He didn’t completely believe his own words, and it could easily be heard by the lack of annoyance in his voice. It really didn’t make much sense when he thought about it. He just… forgot about everything that was bugging him when he started talking with Matthew.

Elizaveta smirked at the look on the albino’s face. She could tell she had planted a seed in his brain, and he was starting to think about it. She inwardly grinned. _I so knew it._

She spoke up happily, breaking Gilbert’s train of thought, “So when are you going to ask him out?” 

Gilbert gaped at her surprised, not expecting her question.

“You’re joking,” he stated. 

Elizaveta tried to suppress her grin as she took on a serious demeanor. “I don’t joke about these things, and you have to be the one to ask him out because it’s weird if a shy uke does it. So when are you going to _ask him out?_” 

“Verdammt! I already told you I don’t like him like that! It’s a Friday. Can’t you just let me enjoy my two days away from this hell hole,“ Gilbert pleaded. Elizaveta was about to say how he could be enjoying so much more if he would stop being a hardhead about his feelings, but was cut off by Gilbert after he saw Matthew down the hall at his locker.

Gilbert stopped and turned around to face her. “As lovely and completely _not_ annoying this conversation is, I have more awesome things to attend to.“ 

Gilbert mock bowed before heading off to talk to Matthew. Elizaveta just shook her head wondering why she hung out with such an idiot. 

She took one last look at Matthew and Gilbert before going down a separate hall to her own locker. She really did think they would make a cute couple, and she would take it upon herself to help it happen if it came down to it. Gilbert really was an idiot for not being able to tell by now.

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew went to his locker in a good mood. It was the end of the day on a Friday, and he felt good all day. It was an odd feeling, the happiness. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this good about life for this long. He smiled thinking about how he would probably have to get used to it. As things were looking, it seemed like happy days were ahead.

_But will it really last?_ He frowned at the thought. His chest clenched tightly just imagining all his newly acquainted friends forgetting him. It wasn’t an unjustified fear. Similar things had happened before. He had become close to people over a short amount of time, and in the same time span later, was completely forgotten.

He shook his head in small movements trying to rid himself of those thoughts and convince himself that nothing bad would happen. 

_They won’t forget. They’ll remember. They’ll remember. They’re your friends. They just can’t forget you. They’ll remember. You won’t be alone. They’ll remember. They’ll –_

“Hey Mattie.” The Canadian’s thoughts were cut off by the bang of someone leaning against a locker and the sound of a now familiar voice.

Matthew looked up to see Gilbert leaning against the locker next to him with a smile. He couldn’t help but have his lips twitch up into their own small smile at seeing the other.

“H-hey Gil.” Gilbert smirked and raised his eyebrows.

“Gil? Not the best nickname, I’d prefer something more like King of Awesome, but it’s still good if you feel the need to shorten my awesome name.” 

Matthew blushed realizing what he said and looked down at his backpack trying to hide his embarrassment as he packed up the last few books he would need for the weekend.

Gilbert tilted his head still smirking to get a better look at Matthew face. He chuckled at the large blush that made its way on the blonde’s face. Matthew closed his locker, and looked at him still embarrassed.

“Sorry,” Matthew stuttered. Gilbert’s smirk fell slightly at the other’s words. _Did he really think I was being serious?_

“Nah, dude, it’s okay. I was just joking with you.” Gilbert lightly punched Matthew’s arm. “Besides, I call you Mattie all the time.” 

Matthew smiled at the albino. It wasn’t the entire reason he was embarrassed. He still wasn’t used to all the friendly joking. 

Upon seeing that Matthew was feeling better, Gilbert continued, “We should hang out today.” 

Matthew almost stopped walking with surprise but was able to suppress the urge. He really shouldn’t be surprised that Gilbert wanted to hang out. They were friends after all.

“W-what do you have in mind?” Gilbert stopped and looked deep in thought. Matthew stopped walking as well to wait.

“I have absolutely no idea, but we really should hang out this weekend. You can just come over and hang or something.” 

“I thought you said today,” Matthew trailed off. Gilbert gave Matthew a look and shrugged.

“We can hang out today and this weekend. I’ve got nothing to do,” he looked Matthew up and down, “unless you’re busy?” 

Matthew quickly shook his head. “N-no, I’m not busy.” He started fiddling with the bottom seams of his hoodie. “I was just wondering.”

“Awesome. I guess we should drop our bags off at home; then meet up somewhere.”

“Where exactly?” Matthew asked. Gilbert thought for a moment.

“Well, I remember where your house is from yesterday, so I’ll just meet you there after I drop my stuff off. Then we can find something to do.” 

“Alright, sounds good.” 

Gilbert quickly made his goodbyes complaining about how Ludwig would leave him if he took too long.

Matthew just smiled and slowly made his way back home. Everything was turning out good. The fear of being forgotten again was hiding in the back of his mind. He could worry about that stuff later. Right now he wanted to focus on having fun and hanging out with a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew waits for Gilbert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: heightened suicidal ideation with discriptions

Matthew paced around his room impatiently. Two hours had passed since he arrived home, and Gilbert still hadn’t come. He was starting to think his friend wouldn’t be coming at all. He was starting to think that Gilbert forgot him.

He ran a hand through his hair in a jittery motion. It couldn’t be true, it just couldn’t. The last few days had been great. He had felt normal,_ better_, like none of the depression and self-injury had happened; as if he had never really tried to die. 

He was an idiot for thinking that. It was all just some sort of sick joke life played on him. It gave him a taste of what a happy life should be like, just to take it away from him. He hadn’t really made any friends. It was just an illusion to distract himself from the loneliness for a while. None of it was real. 

They were just being nice and putting up with him. None of them were really his friends. He should have seen this coming. They had already completely forgotten him. Something bigger and better came up, and they just forgot about him. Soon it would be like he never even existed in their lives.

He gripped his hair tighter with both hands as he sat down on the edge of his bed. He started mumbling and shaking his head in unison. 

“It’s not true. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it.” He paused his moving and took a deep, shaking breath trying to clear his thoughts.

_It’s not that bad, Matthew. He said this weekend. Something might have came up, and he couldn’t come._

His thoughts calmed him down a little. Gilbert was just late; after school didn’t mean right away. He probably had some errand to run, chores to do, or something before he came. 

Matthew took a deep breath and let it out. Everything would be fine. He wasn’t going to be alone and invisible again. He just needed to wait a little bit longer. He decided that he needed to get his mind off everything by doing something. 

The Canadian soon found himself in the game room with a remote in hand playing one of Alfred’s games. He tried to lose himself in the first-person shooter game he randomly stuffed in the gaming system. It worked for a short while, but soon he put too much concentration into the game. 

He imagined the enemies he shot down as himself, every bullet meant for him. 

_Bang._ Damn, a miss. I’ll have to endure the pain a little long. _Bang._ In the leg, and I was so close to that artery too. _Bang._ A bullet in the stomach. 

He stopped his shooting to watch the other soldier slowly die. _That must be a painful death._ Once the wounded soldier died he continued his raid.

_Bang._ A miss. _Bang._ Another miss. _Bang._ Headshot. Instant kill. Painless death.

Matthew let out a shaky breath as if he could feel the bullet tearing through his skull, going in one end and out the next splattering the insides of his head over the couch behind him. He lost himself in the feeling. It was amazing, the feeling of dying, even if it was all fantasy.

He was bought out of his thoughts by the game over screen popping up over his game casting a brighter light throughout the room. His player had been shot down while he was lost in his thoughts. He stared at the game over screen a moment and at the blinking words selected to play again.

Did I really just do that? 

The fact he just went through an entire round pretending to die over and over left an unsettling feeling in his stomach. It was an unnerving feeling. It was something that only insane people did… but why did he feel like hitting play again?

He threw his remote towards the TV and curled up into a ball. _Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine._ Why did he pick a shooter game? He should have picked a completely mindless game, but, no, he chose a strategy game that involved killing people. He was such an idiot.

After a few moments of calming himself down, he lifted his head slowly. He needed something different to play, something mindless and harmless. He scanned the games quickly before grabbing the case for Mario kart.

_Mario Kart is mindless, completely harmless. Nothing in Mario Kart can trigger._

He sat back down against the couch satisfied with his choice, preparing to play for a while. He selected one of the baby characters and quickly started a game.

_______________________________________________________________

Alfred walked into the house humming quietly to himself. It was Friday, and he was ready for a relaxing night. He dropped his bag by the door and stretched his arms above his head with a groan. He didn’t have any plans for the night, so could just hang around the house. _Hadn’t had a free Friday night in a while._

After grabbing a quick snack from the pantry, he noticed the noise coming from upstairs. He would recognize that song anywhere. A grin broke out on his face. _Mattie is playing the Gamecube._ He quickly bounded up the stairs. 

He usually would have to bug his twin to play games with him, but if Mattie was already playing, he couldn’t say no. The logic was perfect in his mind. With an open scheduled Friday he could stay up late having a gaming marathon with his bro.

They hadn’t had one of those in a long time. His steps slowed on the stairs as a realization came to him. He hadn’t really spent much time at all with his twin recently. The most they had talked recently was the day after Mattie ran out on their dad.

He paused near the top of the stairs listening to the sounds coming from the game room. He was convinced his brother was better, but he hadn’t really had the chance to talk to him. How could he be so sure? 

Alfred let his mind wonder for a moment. He couldn’t shake of the bad feeling, this uneasy feeling deep in his gut. Something just wasn’t right. He was sure of it now, and he was going to get to the bottom of it. The teen continued the rest of the way to the game room at his normal pace. Before reaching the door his signature grin was plastered to his face ready to greet his younger brother.

“Hey, Mattie!” 

Matthew turned to look at at Alfred expertly pausing the game first.

Alfred took in everything about his twin immediately. The look in Mattie’s eyes — it was like he was about the cry. _Unshed tears._ Alfred fought the urge to narrow his eyes at his realization. He didn’t want his brother to know what he was doing. Matthew always hated when Alfred butted into his life when they were younger. The older of the two was sure Mattie would still feel that way. Not to mention, Alfred seemed to overreact about most things, probably the reason Matthew didn’t like him butting in during their younger years. He was aware of that quality about himself, but something seemed different this time.

He was so deep in thought he almost missed Matthew’s greeting of, “Hey. How are you?”

Alfred threw himself onto the couch behind his brother with a leap and move around as if fighting off an invisible beast while attempting to situate himself. Matthew cracked a small smile at his brother’s antics. When Alfred got comfortable lying on the couch using a pillow as an armrest, he responded to his brother’s previous question.

“I’m doing okay. What about you, bro?”

It only took a second before Matthew responded automatically, “I’m fine.”

Alfred hummed watching his brother finish off a course in MarioKart. He took another glance at Mattie. His emotion didn’t change much from when he was driving to when he won first place. Alfred found it a bit odd: if it was himself, he would be jumping about cheering. He knew his little bro wasn’t as energetic, but shouldn’t he be showing a bit of happiness at his victory? Alfred decided he should take his twin’s mood into his own hands.

“Bro, let’s play a two-player game.” Matthew turned around resting his arm on the couch behind him, giving himself a better view of his brother.

“Like what?” Matthew’s voice was small but visibly curious. Alfred grinned and sat up quickly. He knew he was going to regret saying it, but he was positive it would cheer Mattie up.

“NHL 12,” Alfred challenged. He saw Matthew’s eyes light up a little bit at the suggestion.

“You sure you want to play, Al. I don’t think you’ve had enough practice to put up a decent competition,” Matthew teased. Alfred responded by throwing a pillow at his brother.

“Oh, shut up. Just because you’re good at actual hockey doesn’t mean you rock at all the video games too.” Matthew just grinned, setting up the Xbox for the game.

“Dude, Mattie, Matt, Broski,” Alfred chanted. 

Mathew turned around to give his brother a look at the names he was being called. “What?”   
Alfred gave a grin at the annoyed tone his brother was using.

“We should do a tournament! All-nighter, yeah!” Alfred cheered as he fell back into the couch flailing. Alfred was overflowing with happiness at his idea. It would be so much fun.

Matthew bit his lip and looked at the remote thinking. If they did that, then he might be in the middle of a game when Gilbert comes. Alfred looked at his brother. He was expecting Matthew to be all over his idea, but instead the younger twin was just sitting there.

“Uh… Matt?” Alfred voice was soft and quieter than usual, “We don’t have to play if you don’t want too.”

The younger blond looked up at that and responded in a fast voice, “N-no Al, I want to play! It’s just that, well, I was planning on hanging out with a friend today…” Matthew’s voice slowly trailed off.  
Alfred cocked an eyebrow at the other’s words. This was new. His brother never really was one to socialize much. He supposed it was good his bro was finally getting out of the house more, but he couldn’t help but think back to the look in Matthew’s eyes when he first walked in.

Alfred gathered his thoughts to find something to say back to his twin. “Well… when are you leaving? Maybe we can get a few games in.”

Matthew seemed to shrink in on himself at his brother’s harmless words. Alfred had to strain to hear his brother’s quiet voice as he mumbled, “He was supposed to be here after school.”

Alfred stared at his brother. _Did Mattie… Did Mattie just get stood up?_ He tightened his grip on the remote and cursed whoever was supposed to meet up with his bro. _That bastard. _

Despite his inner anger towards the person who supposedly hurt his little brother, he spoke to Matthew in a soft voice in an attempt to be reassuring.

“I’m sure he’s just late or something. Got held up at home you know? Dad does that to me sometimes; it’s no big deal.”

Matthew relaxed a little at Alfred’s words. He had a point. Who knows what Gilbert could be doing right now? He continued thinking as he browsed through teams looking for one of his favorites to be. He knew it was a little narcissistic, but he couldn’t shake off the feeling that Gilbert would try to make it known if he suddenly couldn’t come. He didn’t seem like one who would listen to his parents anyways. All directions of Matthew’s thoughts led to being forgotten, but he still hung onto the hope that Gilbert would just be late.

A few games later of Matthew crushing Alfred in the hockey-based videogame, the twins were bounding down the stairs after hearing the call of dinner. 

Dinner started off quieter than usual. Alfred talked less and kept stealing glances at Matthew. He had to see if his brother was feeling any better. After a few minutes, he started up conversation as usual and began to talk about his day.

Matthew ate his food quietly half-listening to the conversations of his family. Even though Alfred had distracted him earlier, all of his fears were returning to him. _I’m eating supper, and Gilbert never showed up._ He moved the food on his plate around a bit frowning before taking a bite. It was a horrible feeling, akin to falling, falling but never reaching the bottom, just getting darker.

Francis was also quieter than usual. He was staring across the table at his son. His thoughts wandered back to being in the car and the razors Gilbert showed him. He couldn’t get it out of his head. They belonged to Matthew. Well, Matthew was in possession of them, so he supposed they were his son’s. Why would someone ask him to hold onto to a pair of razors anyways?

Then there was what Gilbert had said, the albino’s suspicions about why the blades were there in the first place. It was such a horrible thought. His son wouldn’t do that. He didn’t think his son could. Francis took another good look at Matthew taking his entire appearance in.

The French man furrowed his brow. Matthew seemed sad. Something had to be bothering him. Francis chewed on the inside of his cheek. No, it couldn’t be. Matthew isn’t that sad, he must have just had a bad day.

He continued to reassure himself, but the thoughts remained. _Why did he have the blades in the first place?_

Francis was broken out of his thoughts by the escalating voices of Arthur and Alfred. He was so lost in his thoughts that their rising voices were a bit of a surprise, but not much since they tended to disagree more than not. He quickly switched his attention back to the main conversation at the table. From what he understood Alfred had done something or another that had angered Arthur. He soon figured out it was just a bit of trouble at school that ended in a detention. With the fight still escalating, Francis decided it was best he butt in.

He addressed Arthur in a calm smooth tongue, “Don’t you think you are being a bit hard on him, mon cher? You were much more troublesome when you were his age.”

The words seemed to do magic quieting the fight. Matthew listened a little more attentively noticing the change in atmosphere. 

All the anger in Arthur’s face was drained and replaced with something more solemn. His eyes found themselves locked with the azure of his husband’s. Francis found himself wondering if he shouldn’t have mentioned Arthur’s younger years once he had a good look at his now tranquil husband. He didn’t have much time before the Brit spoke in a somewhat distant voice.

“Letting him do such things now can only lead to worse things later. Besides, what I did was different.” 

The words floated around the air amongst the family. It was odd, sitting there, hearing words such as those coming from Arthur. Despite not always showing how he feels properly, the Englishman always seemed to be full of some strong emotion; something that only served to make his tranquility odder.

Dinner continued on with more subdued chatter. Alfred didn’t want to say anything else. At first when he heard Francis mention that his dad had been a trouble maker, he planned to crack a few jokes. He could tell that would be the wrong thing to do now.

Matthew watched the entire scene with little interest. He thought his family was made up of a bunch of dramatics. It was no wonder he was so easily overlooked. It was as if they were in a constant fight for attention. He couldn’t help but think they should be on some reality TV show with all the other attention seekers of the world.

It was obvious he was in a bitter mood from being forgotten once again. When he realized where his mood was coming from, he regretted his earlier thoughts. It wasn’t his family’s fault that they were so energetic, and that he was just, well, not. 

Most people would enjoy having dinners with their families, spending that little bit of time with them every day. Hell, some people wished their families were more like Matthew’s when it came to their dinner habits. The realization only prodded at the pain inside Matthew more. Why wasn’t he like anyone else? 

It was like he was some abnormal creature walking the planet looking for love and friendship only to find the feelings he was looking for were only found within the same species, and the rest of his kind was nowhere to be found. He was starting to accept it. He was different in a horrible unflattering way with no hope of ever changing. Things would be better if a monstrosity like him didn’t even exist at all.

He was so lost in his despair he barely registered Arthur leaving the table mumbling the excuse of being done. Francis quickly followed Arthur into the kitchen determined to bring up his husband’s mood. Matthew soon realized he was sitting at the table alone. One coherent thought hit his mind – _when did Alfred leave?_ – before he was filled with a feeling of utter abandonment.

Once again was he alone and forgotten in the world. _Empty._ The word floated around him. Yes, that was what it could be called, emptiness. He was see-through and empty like a plastic tupperware container; useless if not filled, and only serving to take up valuable space in its unused state. Without ever being filled, it was best to take it out of the cabinet and throw it out, especially if it was as broken with cracks as he was.

His hands formed two tight fists on the table as he stared down at his plate. Why did it have to be this way? Why was he the one living life as an empty container? His hands shook. He wanted the cry, but no tears would fall. He knew, oh he knew well, that he should be bawling with feelings such as these overflowing within him, but, yet, not a single tear fell. His eyes didn’t even water. 

He couldn’t take it, all this numbness. It hurt. Oh, it hurt, feeling like a stranger everywhere. That’s why no one gave him half a mind, right? They just viewed him as some stranger… or maybe they didn’t see him at all. 

He tightened his fists more before rising from his seat and heading to his room.

He would never understand it. Why did no one like him? In reality, no one besides his family gave him half a mind. They had some sort of platonic obligation to at least pretend to care about him in those few moments he was remembered, those few moments he fought so long for attention they noticed their partly invisible family member, those few moments before their attention was diverted elsewhere. Other than those moments, he never held the attention of anyone else: not teachers, not fellow students, and not even strangers.

_But then there’s Gilbert…_ Gilbert was the one person that broke the evident flow everyone else always followed. The albino had noticed Matthew and even went out of his way to look for him when he ran out of the house earlier in the week. Since that day, it was as if Gilbert had cared about him. It was as if the other teen was trying to show Matthew the brighter side of life: friends, fun, hanging out. It had been working… but what about today? Now, it was as if Gilbert was returning to the flow along with all the hope he given to the young Canadian teen.

Matthew slowed his steps near the top of the stairs suddenly feeling listless. Whether his feelings or previous thoughts the cause, he didn’t know, nor did he care much. He continued the way to his room now very tired. He didn’t bother to turn on the lights instead moving through the darkness.

He made his way slowly to his bed and laid down on it not bothering to undo any of the covers – he just didn’t have the energy. As he lay there in the dark, thousands of thoughts soared through his head a mile a minute, but one coherent thought stood out in his mind before he drifted to sleep:

_What about Gilbert? _


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew waits and talks to Francis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: references to self-injury

Matthew opened his eyes slowly in confusion. A soft light coming from his window blinded him momentarily as he blinked the sleep away from his eyes. He propped himself up on one elbow, and scratched his head taking a look around the room. He was lying on top of his bed still in the clothes he wore the day before. He stretched for a moment curling his toes.

He felt groggy, probably due to the fact he didn’t shower or brush his teeth after school or dinner. It might have been the fact that he slept in his jeans and hoodie, or maybe it was the fact he hadn’t changed his bandages in a while. Whatever the reason, he couldn’t care. 

He just fell back onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He didn’t feel like doing anything: not getting up, not changing; he didn’t feel like thinking either, but his mind would never grant him that sort of peace. He sank deeper into depressing thoughts, eventually pausing to list all the reasons other people had not to like him.

He broke out of his thoughts rubbing his feet together. They were cold. Suddenly he became quite restless lying there. The bed was uncomfortable. His bandages were itchy. His hair felt greasy and in desperate need of a brush – though it looked fine, but one day without his usual good hygiene, and he felt nasty, just dirty. 

He sat all the way up with a groan peering at the window. He took note that the sun was much higher in the sky than he was used to seeing upon first waking up, even for a Saturday. He must’ve been laying there for a while. He was too lazy to check the time, instead he moved slowly to get up and head to the bathroom after grabbing a quick change of clothes.

Once in the bathroom, he locked the door behind him and took a good look in the mirror. He didn’t like what he saw. It was disgusting, horrifying, even… lifeless. He glared at his face reflected in the mirror, putting all his frustrations in the glare, feeling a hatred form in the pit of his stomach. He blamed it all on the thing in the mirror— himself. After a few moments, his hand rose to meet his reflection and began tracing the outlines of his face on the glass.

A deep itching began to form inside of him, a desire he knew all too well. Oh, how he wanted it; how he needed to do it, but he could not. He promised he wouldn’t hurt himself; he promised himself that he wouldn’t cut. He couldn’t give in now, no matter how much it hurt, and no matter how it would make him feel better. 

He quickly stripped himself of his clothes and stepped into the shower. Deep down in the recesses of his mind, he thought that maybe the shower water could wash away all the bad feelings. Maybe it could wash away his impurities, making him talented and pleasing to the eye so that people would notice him. Maybe, just maybe, it could wash away his curse of invisibility. 

Matthew was a practical person, and knew it was impossible. Things like that didn’t happen in real life, much less to him, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t pretend. He stood under the flow of the water, head leaning back, pretending. He was a good pretender. It helped him get through the day – he could always imagine himself in a better place, sometimes one in which he was remembered, loved, and even popular. At times like this, the obscure talent helped him relax. It was like he could feel everything bad sliding down his body and sinking into the drain to never come back. 

He was awoken from his daydream at a very real sagging feeling on his arm. He opened his eyes slowly, turning his head to the side instead of straight up so as the keep the hair out of his eyes. The bandages on his arm had loosened a significant amount and were attempting to slide down his arm with the rest of the water gliding down his body. It wasn’t too surprising that the wrappings were coming undone, since he didn’t wrap them well when he originally put them on. What was surprising, at least a little bit, was that he didn’t take them off before showering. He usually took much better care of himself, but not today. Today he just found himself caring less. He sighed and began unwrapping the soaked bandages. 

_Might as well do it now; besides the water might help take away the sting. _

His thoughts were proven true as the bandages slowly came off without the usual burn of the cuts being pulled at. He dropped the soiled bandaged on the shower floor with a small splash as he began to examine his arm. 

It was an interesting sight. From the faint glow in the shower he could make out all the scars crisscrossing the surface of his arm. Many of them were faded, but some still contained scabs that had yet to completely heal, though there were fewer of those than he was used to seeing. He hadn’t cut since the day he planned to kill himself. His previous depression was hidden under a thin layer of pride beginning to make itself noticed. He hadn’t cut in nearly a week; it was something to be prideful about.

As he began to wash himself, a soft, barely noticeable smile made its way onto his face. He had come such a long way. He let out a sad chuckle at the thought – _almost a week without cutting is a long way._ It was sadly ironic how such a short amount of time could mean so much. It was unsettling how bad the addiction was, or that it was an addiction at all. He glanced at his arm as he turned off the water.

_What kind of monster gets addicted to something like that?_

He knew it was pointless to berate himself that way. He had done his research – normal people get addicted to self-injury, but he always thought they had better reasons. They had something wrong in their lives that caused the pain, that fueled there need. Why did he do it? Because he needed constant attention. 

He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he got dressed – he barely took note that he didn’t remember getting out of the shower. He glared at his reflection and muttered an insult under his breath, “Attention whore.”

He gripped his fists. God, why did he hate himself so much? He needed to get out. He needed to leave. Why did he think it was okay to spend so much time in there? He was never good with mirrors; staring at them too long always led to something bad.

Matthew took a deep breath before numbly heading down the stairs. His Papa always cooked breakfast for the family on weekends. He knew it was late, probably a little past lunch time judging by the sun, but he also knew there would still be food out – Francis usually left some out in a container since Alfred always slept so late. 

Matthew was proven correct when he entered the kitchen, more than happy to get the chance to heat up a nice French-styled breakfast. A slow hum soon escaped his throat as he listened to the microwave. He found himself wondering if Alfred was home. The twin usually was out with friends, but there was quite a lot of food left, and judging by the quiet in the house, he was either asleep or gone. 

He paused his humming. Matthew guessed that also meant his parents went out to get groceries. They always bought groceries on the weekends, and they seldom were quiet, though they did have their quiet moments together like most couples. Matthew dismissed his thoughts at the beep of the microwave. Whether they were here or not didn’t affect him.

As he ate alone at the table, he once again found himself thinking back to the events of the week: the planning to die, meeting Gilbert, being forgotten, jumping, being tackled, making friends… only to be forgotten once more. He sat back for a moment. 

Gilbert saved him. Gilbert had _saved_ him. He hadn’t thought much into the meaning of it, but he was alive because one person took notice of him. It never really hit him how much one person could affect the life of another. Just one good deed and the life of one Canadian had been prolonged. Matthew pondered it all for a moment before turning to look out the kitchen window. He believed in Gilbert, he really did. Gilbert would come – he had to come – because Gilbert wouldn’t forget a friend.

_Doing that wouldn’t be awesome._

Matthew chuckled at his own joke, trying to ignore the unsettling feeling in his stomach. His chuckles died down with a loose end as the unsettling feeling grew. He was getting hopeful again, something he needed to learn not to do. People come and go all the time. He learned it long ago and it didn’t bother him. Each time it happened just made letting go easier, but something was different this time. He didn’t want to let Gilbert go to become another failed spark of hope. Wanting something like that was bad, dangerous in Matthew’s mind, but he couldn’t help feeling that way. Besides, he was never one to have good control over his feelings.

Matthew’s entire body froze at the sound of the doorbell echoing throughout the house. It was as if he could feel the sound vibrating within his skull. _Dong. Dong. Dong._ One thought surfaced his mind as the initial shock wore off.

_It can’t be._

The blond soon found himself sprinting towards the door so fast and erratic that a proper analogy wouldn’t fit his actions, but all action stopped when he opened the door to meet the dark eyes of a small Asian boy.

“Hello, Alfred…Oh… Did you do something with your hair?” The boy asked Matthew curiously.

Matthew put on a polite smile. He recognized the boy from school as Kiku, one of Alfred’s friends. He was filled with disappointment but didn’t let it show. He put on a nice smile despite the aching inside of him and responded in a quiet yet even voice, “I’m sorry, Kiku. I’m Alfred’s brother, M-Matthew.” 

The Asian teen took a moment to let the words sink in before a look of embarrassment filled his face. “Ah, I am quite sorry, Matthew. You just look so much like Alfred.” 

Matthew tried to be happy with the apology, but he couldn’t help but to repeat the words of how much he looked like his brother in his head. No one ever said Alfred looked like him.

“It’s oka –” Matthew’s words were cut off by a louder voice talking.

“Kiku! Dude, I wasn’t expecting you to come by today!” Alfred exclaimed now completely in the doorway.

Matthew soon faded into the background of the conversation as Kiku began to explain how he had bought a new videogame for him and Alfred to try. A depressing feeling made itself prominent inside Matthew as Alfred exclaimed how Kiku’s words were awesome. 

_Forgotten again._ The thought sent pangs of misery inside the young Canadian. It wasn’t just the fact that he was being completely ignored, but that for some reason he was expecting the person at the door to be for him. He was expecting the person at the door to remember him and pay attention to_ him._

Matthew broke out of his thoughts in surprise as the door closed in front of him. He could see his brother and Kiku walking down the sidewalk through the window now right in front of his face. Was it too much to ask for _that?_ For what his brother always had? It wasn’t that he wanted to be popular and outgoing. He just wanted a friend, someone. He just didn’t want to be alone anymore. 

His breathing became labored and audible as dark thoughts filled his mind. He couldn’t take it, the feelings of despair and loneliness. He just wanted them to stop. Matthew soon found himself sprinting up the stairs in more desperation than earlier. His body was carrying him forward leaving his conscious thoughts back at the door, only fueled by the knowledge that the emptiness could be filled if he reached his room. His room, the place where his greatest secret was kept, the place where he could find his release and make the pain go away. He needed it, and he needed it now.

Matthew’s thoughts caught up to him in a flash as he stopped in his doorway as he scanned the room. The pause of his movements lasted barely a second before he practically dove for the drawers in his desk. He threw open the middle drawer causing the contents to rattle loudly. He started digging inside frantically, moving things around and opening the first aid kit. 

“Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?” the words were muttered fast as he panicked in his mind. _Where is it? It should be right here! It wasn’t on my desk, so it should be here! _

He slammed the drawer shut and began digging through the top noisily. Something was wrong. Something was horribly, horribly wrong. He took care of that black box more than his own life. He always knew where it was. If it wasn’t on his desk, it was with his bandages in the middle drawer. He slammed the next drawer and leaned against his desk breathing heavily. He just couldn’t take it. 

_Make it go away! Make it go away!_ Thoughts of not being real wormed their way into his mind with other depressing thoughts. He bit the side of his hand hoping the small pain could relieve him a bit. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes, but the small sting in his hand didn’t help much: he needed more; he needed blood. He took a deep breath slowly to clear his head before standing up. He could worry about the missing blades later. Right now, he needed a different tool, and he knew exactly where to find one. 

He took a few breaths to calm himself and ran his fingers through his hair a few times to fix it before exiting his room. He had to try to look normal when going into the kitchen. There was a chance someone could see him since it was the weekend, and he wasn’t in the mood to answer any questions. He just needed to get to the kitchen, grab a knife, and get back upstairs. It was simple; that’s what he kept repeating in his mind. There was too much going on in his head to elaborate on the plan if something were to go wrong.

He bounded down the stairs faster than normal despite the fact he was trying to look outwardly aloof. He just couldn’t concentrate; the pain was too much. The emptiness was too much. _God, I’m so alone. _ He began to turn towards the kitchen quickly at the bottom of the stairs. He didn’t make a full turn before he ran into something hard. An accented voice broke him from his trance.

“Ah, Matthieu, you must watch where you are going. No need to be in such a hurry,” Francis spoke to him softly with a chuckle.

Matthew’s world stopped for a moment as he was taken by surprise. He stared up at his papa as time seemed to slow to the point of freezing. The gears in his head began to turn before the pause could even be noticeable by the adult in front of him.

The Canadian spoke in a quiet voice still trying to reach his goal of getting to the kitchen. “S-sorry Papa. I w-was just hungry.” 

He gave a shy smile before sidestepping the Frenchman making an escape into the kitchen. Francis stood for a moment as his son began to leave replaying the past few seconds in his head. Something about Matthew just seemed… off. He couldn’t quite place it, but he felt something was wrong. His thoughts flashed back to driving the car with his son’s albino friend next to him. 

He could see the teen holding the blades in his mind. He remembered what the teen had said. _“I’m not really Matthew’s friend.”_ The words stuck in his head. He knew Gilbert had been overreacting when he said that, but it had to be true that the two were not exactly close. Gilbert said they just met. One thing stuck out to Francis when he thought about it. _That kid must have truly believed what he said about the blades to go to all that trouble for someone he knew for such a short amount of time…_

That was all the reason Francis needed to turn around and grab his son’s shoulder before he left. He had to know the truth about it. 

“Mathieu, can I talk to you for a moment?” 

Matthew paused before turning around. He glanced at the kitchen quickly before looking at his papa wondering what the Frenchman could need to say. He hoped he wasn’t getting asked a favor. If he said no, it would be out of character for him which could lead to getting caught. All he really wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sit still for a long time. It didn’t seem like Francis would be asking a simple favor. His words seemed much more serious. His appearance… He seemed worried. 

Matthew observed his father as he responded curiously, “Sure.” 

They stood there silently for a few moments: Matthew waiting for Francis to talk, and Francis not knowing how to start. Francis acted on feeling as usual, but this time he couldn’t carry it as his normal outgoing self could. He was unprepared for this conversation. He knew this was a delicate conversation, but was unsure of how to go about it. To break to silence he said the first thing that came to mind.

“How are you?” 

Matthew stared at his father for a moment slightly surprised by the question. Maybe he read his father’s posture wrong, and he really wasn’t starting a serious conversation. Then again, the other still looked solemn. Matthew always viewed his papa as a silly person; he probably just hadn’t thought through what to say. Nonetheless, Matthew lied through his teeth as he repeated the answer he programmed his brain always to produce.

“I’m fine.” 

The words sat in the air for a moment as the two family members looked each other in the eyes. It wasn’t awkward, but more like they shared a quiet internal conversation, told only through body language, a conversation that really didn’t say anything at all. 

Matthew couldn’t take this normality, a normality that happened often when he was younger. His insides didn’t feel normal, and he most definitely wasn’t normal. Simple conversations like this don’t happen to abnormal people, and, frankly, he wasn’t sure he quite liked it at the moment. His papa was usually so outgoing. _Why can’t he find the words to speak? _Matthew spoke again wanting to get away from his conflicting emotions.

“If you don’t need anything then I’m just going to…” He motioned to the kitchen as his voice trailed off. He felt like he was being rude, but he just couldn’t help it. Of course being around Francis made him feel better, but he still felt the depression from before raging in his mind. The mixture of feelings was nauseating and just too much for him to handle. 

Francis seemed to gather his thoughts the moment Matthew spoke up and stopped his son once again.

“Wait! There is something I need to ask you.” 

Matthew responded politely still feeling bad for trying to leave so rudely, “What is it, Papa?”

“Do… I heard…” Francis knitted his eyebrows together for a moment as he searched for the right words. “Actually, I think it is best I show you.”

Matthew was just as confused as he was before, but there was a nagging in the back of his mind that hinted that he should know what was going on. He couldn’t place it, but he welcomed the feeling: it took the edge of the mental pain that occupied his mind previously. 

Matthew followed Francis through the living room until they reached the master bedroom. The teen noted how much calmer his father was when Francis turned around to direct Matthew, “Stay here a moment while I go get it.”

The Canadian pondered over the words for a few moments. _Go get it? What could he be getting that has to do with me?_ Though the answer could vary from small thing to rather inappropriate things, coming from Francis and all, something seemed wrong. Butterflies began to fly in Matthew’s stomach as worry settled in. The object had to do with him. It was something serious. What was something he was missing that his father could have? It all clicked at once it Matthew’s mind. 

_It couldn’t be._

His thoughts were proven as his eyes locked with the black box in Francis’ hands as he reentered the room. The worry Matthew felt earlier erupted into panic. This couldn’t be happening. He had to find a way out. He had to think of a way out. It all came down to how much his papa actually knew. Francis was a lover and cared deeply for people. It wouldn’t be hard to fool him. All Matthew had to do was think of something. 

Francis opened the box to show the contents as he began speaking. “These were found in your room the other day when you ran off.” 

The pause as Francis showed his son the contents of the box seemed to last hours for Matthew as he waited to know how much Francis concluded from the blades. _He has to know or at least guess._ Matthew felt stiff as the panic spread through all of his nerves like wildfire.

The pause ended as eye contact was made allowing Matthew to get a direct look at his father’s worried gaze.

“Why do you have these, mon flis?” 

Matthew wanted to scream the reason. He wanted to break down and cry. He wanted to tell of all the pain he felt, of all his fears and sadness. He wanted someone to know, and he wanted help. He wanted to speak the truth, but he couldn’t. Deep down he didn’t want anyone to know. If they knew, he couldn’t do it anymore. If they knew, he couldn’t make it all go away with a little bit of pain. His body responded with a lie as regret from his words made itself known inside him.

“O-oh, I was looking for t-those… There are for th-this project… that I’m doing f-for art,” he barely was able to stutter the words out. Matthew really did hate lying.

Francis visibly relaxed at his son’s words. He knew he was overeating. The albino teen must’ve not known Matthew took an art class. Gilbert had said they just met. There was a nagging feeling that something was wrong in the back of the Frenchman’s mind, but that was where it was, the back of his mind. He wanted to trust his son and did, so he ignored the idea that what he was told could be a far from the truth. Matthew was never much of a liar anyways. He had always worn his heart on his sleeve when he was younger. That is why Francis felt no regret handing the small box back to his son.

He spoke in a much lighter tone as he addresses his son again. “Ah, well then you probably need these back for class. I had no idea you were looking for them! Tell your Papa next time you lose something like this, oui? They could be dangerous.”

Matthew responded quickly and automatically. “Oui, Papa. I just thought I left them in the art room.” He gave a crooked smile as he hugged the box against himself subconsciously. 

They exchanged a few more pleasantries before Francis excused himself to the kitchen, and left with a ruffle of Matthew’s shaggy hair. Matthew leaned into the touch, always fond of physical contact, a liking that developed the more he was ignored.

When Francis left the room he stood there for a moment just thinking. _What just happened?_ After a few moments he started to make his way back up the stairs still deep in thought. He had almost been found out. The things he had been so keen on hiding, the things he believed would reveal all his secrets if seen had been found, and, yet, nothing happened. His excuses were not questioned, and he was carrying the blades back to his room. It all seemed like some sort of dream.

He entered the room, and shuffled to his bed to sit cross-legged on it. He set the box in front of him as he ran his fingers over the edges, up and down, back and forth. He still wanted to do it. The temptation to cut was still high, and this time he had the blades to do it. He slid his fingers up the edged slowly and opened the lid. 

He could see his distorted reflection in the metal, reflecting like a funhouse mirror. He wanted it, but after Francis seeing them, he just couldn’t use them. The encounter left an odd feeling in him, or more like an odd mixture of feelings. 

He turned to look out his window before slowly falling on his side. Life was confusing. As horrible as he felt his was, it was interesting in a way. He never really knew what was going on, and despite how much he hated being ignored and forgotten, sometimes he really just wished he could disappear. He wished he could just fade away slowly, peacefully. He took a glance at the box as he lay on his side, hair cascaded around his head on the bed. He didn’t like how he needed something physical like the blades to stay alive, to stay sane. It was such a horrible way to live.

He always wished for more. His life seemed to be a perpetual downfall, and he was tired of falling. He laid there thinking of how he could be fading into the night, peacefully. His quiet thoughts soon bought him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we find out what happened to Gilbert

Gilbert paced back and forth in his room hurriedly. He was nervous and on edge. The weekend felt too long, way too long. Usually, that would be a good thing, but not this time, not this weekend. He ran a hand through his unusually pale hair and tugged at it a few times. He couldn’t stop thinking about Matthew.

_What happened to him? How is he doing?_

“He must hate me.” The words were muttered and completed with a swift kick to his bed.

He broke his promise. He fucking told Matthew one thing, one simple thing he would do, and he didn’t do it. He knew deep down he shouldn’t be beating himself up over it, but he just couldn’t help it. He was stuck at home all weekend only able to think about how his new… friend must hate him. The thought of being hated by Matthew — it hurt much more than it should.

If Matthew never forgave him, Gilbert didn’t think he could forgive his grandfather, much less himself. His mutti chose this weekend, the one he was to spend with Matthew, to ground him because of grades. It wasn’t his fault French was so hard. Though the grounding annoyed him, it wasn’t that that pushed his nerves the most. It was that fact that he couldn’t sneak out like usual. 

Any other time he was grounded, he always found a way to get out of the house to attend the latest party, just not this time. His grandpa somehow had nothing to do this weekend and was able to keep a stern eye on him, and if his mutti wasn’t watching, Ludwig was. To say he was pissed at Lud was an understatement. He was completely frustrated with his brother.

Gilbert felt a bit betrayed. Weren’t brothers supposed to stand up for each other? Apparently, not in the Beilschmidt family! Nope, having the younger brother side with the grandpa saying, “It is for your own good,” was better. Gilbert seethed at the memory. It wasn’t even about _him._ It was about Matthew!

He tried to convince Ludwig that it was for Matthew; that he would be okay with just picking up the teen and dragging him home with them, just as long as he could tell Matthew what was up. But, no, his bastard of a brother didn’t even remember his Canadian friend at first, and even after he did, he didn’t believe his brother. 

Gilbert supposed he could see where Lud was coming from. He may have got caught up in the party scene too much in the past recently. Gilbert sat on the side of his bed with a sigh. He was such an idiot. Why didn’t he ask for Mattie’s number? It never occurred to him how important it could be. It just never passed his mind. He was always distracted around him. It was as if his mind was wiped clean when he was with Matthew.

It was a nice feeling, being around Mattie. He always felt calm and just… better. He was able to forget about his problems and focus only on his friend. It reminded him of being with his mom. He paused his thoughts for a moment thinking about his lost mother.

He remembered the events the other day, when he was depressed and angry at himself. When he was little, his mom was able to make him feel better, but after she passed, he just had to get through it on his own. It didn’t exactly work well that way. He could hate himself so much. It took time for him to put his head on straight and get back to normal, but last week, it was different.

With Matthew, he could just forget it all. He couldn’t feel like a less-than or freak around Matthew. It was hard to explain. It partly had to be the way the blond teen treated him. Matthew always treated him, and basically everyone else, well, equally, and with a kind of respect reserved only for people who are close to each other. Even in his silent manor, Matthew was that way. Gilbert could feel it. 

He let out a frustrated groan and fell back on the bed. All those feelings mean nothing now that he threw their friendship out the window! He couldn’t bask in the glory only Matthew could give him anymore, because Matthew must hate him. Gilbert knew that was a lie.

Matthew wouldn’t hate him. He was too nice for something like that, even Gilbert could tell. It didn’t take a genius to figure out how Matthew would act. He would try to hide his disappointment, and act like it didn’t matter. He would completely ignore the problem; how he would do that could be anything. And, if confronted he will act like it isn’t a big deal. Matthew was just the kind of person to do something like that just for the sake of trying not to cause anyone else trouble.

Gilbert was going to have a long day. He wasn’t sure he could take seeing Matthew like that, especially when he caused it. He wouldn’t know what to do. He never really hung around people like that. The people he would hang out with were always more outgoing or at least hardheaded. None of them cared about others that way Matthew did. Matthew cared about others so much he didn’t even care for himself. It was sad, but he just needed someone else to look after him. There weren’t many people that selfless in the world. It was kind of, well, Gilbert couldn’t exactly place how he felt about it, but he thought it was pretty cool. 

The thoughts of Gilbert’s friend faded in his mind as his brother threw open the door.

“Gilbert, you need to get... up?” Ludwig’s voice faded as he saw that Gilbert was already awake. Not only that, but also dressed and completely ready for school. 

Gilbert sat up and gave a subtle glare at his brother – he couldn’t muster up the hatred for a full-out glare after thinking about Matthew. Ludwig was unaffected by the stare due to his surprise at finding Gilbert up and ready, enough surprise to inquire his brother as to why.

“Why are you ready?” Ludwig questioned. Gilbert was now able to muster up a full-out glare as he stood to face his brother and respond with slight venom in his voice.

“I want to make sure we get to school early enough so I can explain to Mattie why I didn’t show this weekend. You know, because you wouldn’t let me leave the fucking house.” 

Ludwig didn’t have a chance to respond before Gilbert left the room and went down the stairs. He was shocked to say the least. He was convinced all weekend that Gilbert just wanted to get out of the house for popularity’s sake, but now he was having second thoughts. Even if meeting with Matthew was important, it wouldn’t affect Gilbert that much. His brother just wasn’t like that. Gilbert usually would only act this way this long if he truly felt he was being treated unfairly. He was usually able to get over things rather quickly. Ludwig couldn’t help but wonder why hanging out with Matthew this weekend was so important. 

Gilbert caught his attention from downstairs by shouting with an agitated voice, “And you better hurry today! I am not letting you run late the one day I actually want to get to school early!”

Ludwig signed and supposed it couldn’t hurt leaving a little early today for his brother’s sake.

_______________________________________________________________

Matthew woke up slowly and lay staring at the ceiling thinking of nothing. He just wanted to stay there and not move, much like he did the day before, but he had average teenage duties to attend to — that being school. He didn’t know why he even went. Sometimes he wished he wasn’t such a pushover and could get himself to skip, but he never could. He always felt wrong doing something like that. He supposed it always made himself feel better knowing he was doing some good.

He got up and threw on some clothes without much thought. Something told him he should go to school today. There was a spark of hope deep inside him, he was trying to ignore it, but it was fueling the need to at least see what would happen if he went.

He paused when putting on his hoodie and glanced at his arm. A pang of guilt sparked in his stomach. He had cut. He was doing so well, but he still gave into the urges. Matthew let out a sigh as he draped his oversized hoodie over himself. At least it would heal faster than usual. He couldn’t get himself to use the blades so soon after getting them back from Francis. It just didn’t feel right, so he opted for using scissors instead. It hurt like hell, but didn’t nearly cause as much physical damage.

He ran through his usual morning routine at a sluggish pace, not running into anyone along the way. Soon he found himself walking up to the bus stop just as the bus was pulling up. Even skipping his usual breakfast, he was running late. That must explain why he hadn’t seen any members of his family.

Once he boarded the bus, he sat down in the first empty seat he saw near the front. Matthew drowned out the sounds of all the other teens with his thoughts. He pulled out his sketchpad and proceeded to sketch almost at random. The bumpy ride made drawing a bit difficult, but he had good control, and the concentration helped him forget about the world for a little while.

The only reason he registered the bus stopping at its destination was that it was so much easier to make straight pencil strokes. After coming back down to earth, he shoved his things back into his bag and got off the bus. Looking at the crowd of students entering the school, he wondered why he put himself through it. It was irritating having to walk through the crowd. 

It wasn’t crowds that he didn’t like; it was the fact that he wasn’t noticed in them. In his mind, he considered himself an attention whore for it, but in reality, shouldn’t you get acknowledged when walking about the people you see every day? Shouldn’t you get a greeting, a smile, or even a glance? Matthew supposed he was asking for a bit much. They all had more important things probably. They had friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings, and who knows who else to talk to. Why would someone stop to talk to a stranger, much less someone as see-through and unnoticeable as Matthew?

Matthew’s inner questions were answered as he reached his locker. He heard someone call his name. At first he was going to ignore it like usual, but then it hit him. He recognized that voice.

Gilbert.

_______________________________________________________________

Gilbert was tapping his hands on the dashboard impatiently as the school came into sight. He never wanted to get to that building so much in his life. Needless to say, Ludwig may have driven to school a little faster than usual; if not to help his brother, then because Gilbert’s restlessness was irritating. 

Gilbert quickly got out of the car before it came to a complete stop. Ludwig was not amused by his brother’s antics. He didn’t understand this rash need to see Matthew.

“Gilbert, that was dangerous! You need to wait until I stop!” Ludwig demanded with a glare. It was like Gilbert didn’t care what happened to him sometimes, and that was worrying.

Gilbert returned Ludwig’s glare halfheartedly before responded quickly, “I have to talk to Mattie,” before slinging his backpack over his shoulder and running off.

Ludwig watched Gilbert hurrying into school. He really wondered what went on in Gilbert’s head sometimes. It never made much sense to him. He locked the car door with a small sigh. He supposed since they came so early he could go talk to Feliciano. When he looked back up at the school, Gilbert was nowhere in sight.

_______________________________________________________________

Gilbert hurried through the hallways as fast as he could go without running. He really didn’t know why he was in such a hurry. He slowed down a little to avoid crashing into anyone and to make sure he didn’t take a wrong turn – he had only been to Matthew’s locker once. 

His nerves were on edge, stomach jittery. He wasn’t sure exactly how upset Matthew would be. Would he hate him? Would he talk about it? What was going to happen when Gilbert randomly showed up after blatantly ditching his friend?

Beyond his nerves, there was excitement. He was truly excited to see Matthew. Even if the teen was angry at him, he was still excited to see Matthew again. During the car ride, Gilbert regained his confidence and now believed that even if Matthew was completely pissed at him, he could get him to forgive him. 

He could feel his heart beating in his chest. He never felt like this. He was too awesome to feel nervous around people, but Matthew was just different. He couldn’t place it, never could when he thought about it. He had only known him for a short time, but he felt that Matthew was special, that he deserved something better in his life, that he deserved to show off his smile a little bit more. That was really Gilbert’s goal – to make it up to Matthew. Ever since he saw the teen lying on the floor after getting hit by a door, he just wanted to make it up to him simply because he deserved so much better than what he already had.

Gilbert slowed to a stop as he saw the object of his thoughts appeared down the hallway. The smile that had appeared on Gilbert’s face as he was lost in thoughts slowly slipped away. Matthew looked so sad. Gilbert was instantly reminded of the events of last week, specifically the look on Matthew’s face before Gilbert tackled him on the bridge. Gilbert’s mouth went dry. Did he cause this?

After a brief moment he began walking as if in a trance, his thoughts going wild. _I caused this. It must be my fault. It is all my fault._ He came out of his trance quickly realizing that if he could help Mattie once, he could help him again, and this time he won’t screw it up.

“Matthew!” Just like on the bridge, Matthew did not turn at the sound of his name, so Gilbert continued as he approached, “Hey, Matthew!”

After a few more tries, Matthew looked up surprised to see Gilbert only a few steps away. A small, shaky grin, one that did not reach his eyes, formed on Matthew’s face as Gilbert jogged up and leaned on the locker next to Matthew. They looked at each other for a small moment both with smiles – Matthew’s one more in awe at having the other remember him and Gilbert’s his usual smirk, this time with a hint of admiration that only those who truly knew him would see.

“Hi, Matthew,” Gilbert stated casually. Matthew started to respond, but was quickly stopped by Gilbert before he could reciprocate the greeting. 

“Before you say anything, I’m sorry.” A slight flush appeared across Gilbert’s cheekbones, clearly visible due to his pale skin. He never apologized. His pride never let him, but this was an exception. 

Matthew’s eyes widened slightly. He had not been expecting that, not at all. He was rendered speechless for a short moment, unsure of how to respond. It didn’t matter much, since Gilbert continued after the embarrassed silence.

“My old man decided to ground me when I got home Friday, so I couldn’t come. Ludwig even teamed up with him! They had their eyes on me,” Gilbert pointed two fingers two his wide eyes and pointed them around, “all weekend, so I couldn’t even sneak out.” Matthew chuckled at Gilbert’s antics while the albino ranted about how he was locked up like a prisoner.

Gilbert took a sobering breath before continuing much calmer, “I would have called you, but I didn’t have your number.”

He looked at Matthew expectantly, waiting for Matthew to respond. It took Matthew a moment to realize he needed to find something to say. He was at a loss for words. Most people usually just muttered an apology and left; no one ever took the time to explain themselves, much less wonder what he thought about it. He responded in the only way he knew how.

“It’s okay.” Gilbert grinned, relief filling his insides. He waited for Matthew to say more, but could tell he was too bashful to continue. The thought that it was cute floated through his mind before his usual joking demeanor took over.

“So…” Gilbert dragged out as the two began to walk down the hall at a leisurely pace. Matthew looked at him questioningly. He met Gilbert’s eyes noting that they seemed curious. 

“Can I have your number?” 

Matthew instantly blushed, not expecting the question, and causing Gilbert to laugh. Once the Gilbert calmed down he continued, “No, seriously, I want it so I can call if something like this happens again. Then, we can even text and stuff if you have unlimited.” 

Matthew smiled, this time a smile that reached his eyes and made his irises glow. He barely remembered his cell phone number since he never used it. It was more of a thing he just carried around in case of an emergency. He didn’t even know if he had unlimited texting. He had a feeling he did since Alfred probably did, but who knew. It wasn’t like he ever had anyone to text or call before. The idea of being able to talk to Gilbert whenever only made his elation grow. 

Matthew’s voice held excitement in his quiet manner as he said, “Sure! Of course, just, uh,” He blushed thinking of how silly it is that someone in high school didn’t even know their own number. He continued on after ruffling his hair, “I don’t know my number. I have a cell phone! I just don’t have the number memorized,” Matthew put an index finger up before quickly saying, “One sec.” 

He began digging through his backpack as Gilbert watched with a smirk and an amused huff at Matthew’s nervous movements. It was oddly endearing to see the blond act like that. It struck Gilbert as odd that someone so awesome would get nervous and embarrassed so easily. He supposed it suited Matthew, ever the shy one, and besides, the blush fitted him well. Gilbert’s thoughts stopped when Matthew held out his phone to Gilbert with a smile.

“Uh, you can just put your number in mine. I know you can find the phone’s number in their somewhere, but I have no idea where.” 

Gilbert’s gaze lingered on Matthew a moment longer before snatching the phone and going to the contacts. He paused before adding his own, noticing how few contacts Matthew had compared to Gilbert. The Canadian did have some programed in – family and a few students from school because of projects and hockey season, but nothing compared to the average teen, especially Gilbert.

Despite the small contact list, Gilbert still wanted to stand out on Matthew’s phone so he put his number under the name Awesome thinking, _“Matthew should know that is me.”_

He handed the phone back with instructions for Matthew to text him next time he had a chance, so Gilbert could get his number.

Matthew put his phone back into his backpack. Then, he met Gilbert’s eyes, still smiling, saying, “We should head to class, so we won’t be late.” 

Gilbert responded with a shrug, “I guess so.”

They talked about little, unimportant things for a few minutes as they slowly made their way through the crowd. After a moment, Matthew spoke up realizing something.

“Hey Gil, isn’t your homeroom down a different hallway? I thought mine was the only sophomore one on this side.” 

Gilbert laughed and threw his arm roughly around Matthew’s shoulder. Matthew jerked at the roughness, but his smile remained. Over the past week of knowing Gilbert, he already got used to how rough the other could be. Gilbert would never admit it, but he was really touchy feely. Matthew could tell. It was in the way he treated his friends, and little things like this.

“I remember what you said last week about not liking the crowds, so as a _wonderful friend,_” he pointed to himself flamboyantly with his free hand, “I wanted to walk with my new bud.” Gilbert said everything jokingly accenting his words by shaking Matthew back and forth with the arm he had around his friend’s shoulder.

Matthew laughed as he was jostled about.

“Whatever you say,” Matthew breathed between laughs. He smacked Gilbert to get the albino to stop shaking him before continuing, “But what if you are late?” Matthew bit his lip at the question, worried that he could get Gilbert in trouble. He never liked to be a burden.

Gilbert just snorted at the question wearing his usual smirk.

“You forget who you are talking to. They’ll be happy I even showed up,” Gilbert said his words so nonchalantly that Matthew was reminded of how they became friends – by skipping school. Gilbert had said that it was fun to ditch with more people, so he supposed that he must have experience. He started to wonder who out of the people they eat lunch with usually skips with Gil. It was obvious he does it often, but out of everyone the only person he could imagine ditching school was Antonio and maybe Elizaveta. Everyone else didn’t seem like the type to break the rules.

He soon was pulled out of his musing by Gilbert’s eccentric voice, and began a conversation with him until they reached his homeroom. Once they made it to the door, Gilbert patted Matthew’s shoulder twice saying, “See you second period,” before walking off with a short wave.

Matthew told him bye before entering homeroom with a grin.

_______________________________________________________________

Second period passed the same as the morning with some joking between the two teens and Gilbert trying to distract Matthew in class with various antics. He knew deep down the blond was still upset about something and just wanted to make him happy. He found Matthew’s happiness contagious. Seeing the other smile always bought a grin to his face.

Lunch went by much the same. Gilbert gave his undivided attention to Matthew, and listened as the Canadian talked about things he liked with bright eyes. Neither noticed they had partially separated themselves from the rest of the table, but the other occupants did. Out of everyone at the table, only Elizaveta reacted to the small shift in pace.

As Gilbert was listening to Matthew tell a story from when he was younger, Elizaveta caught Gilbert’s eye from the other side of Matthew. She smirked at him raising her eyebrows up and down suggestively taking a pointed glance at Matthew. Gilbert’s eyes widened and he flushed slightly before exclaiming loudly, “Shut up!”

Matthew jumped at Gilbert’s loud voice. Had he offended the albino? He hadn’t meant to say anything wrong, but maybe he had. It had been a while since he spent so much time talking about himself. Maybe he was annoying Gilbert. His mind started to race as Gilbert caught the look on his face. Gilbert began to panic, realizing what Matthew was thinking.

He shook his hand in front of himself defensively, talking fast saying, “No, no, no, no! I wasn’t talking to you! I mean, I was listening, but that wasn’t directed at you. I was telling _her_ to shut up!” He pointed a finger across Matthew to the only girl at the table.

Elizaveta mocked offense at the accusation saying, “But I hadn’t said a thing.” She smiled sarcastically at Gilbert as Matthew looked on confused. 

Gilbert blanched at her words accusing, “Yeah, but you were making faces! You were thinking it!” He turned to Matthew and addressed him, “I swear she was doing it! I was completely listening to you until _she_ butted in.” 

Matthew smiled as Elizaveta repeated, “I didn’t say anything,” from the other side of him. Soon, Gilbert and Elizaveta were bickering as Matthew looked on amused. He turned to Feliciano who leaned towards Matthew and said, “They do this all the time. You get used to it after a while.” 

Matthew raised his eyebrows. He thought they were really close friends, but if they fought all the time… Feliciano spoke up seeming to read Matthew’s mind.

“Oh! Don’t worry. It’s just how they show they care about each other… I think.” The thoughts of a married couple once again came to Matthew’s mind. They did seem to have some chemistry even if they bickered often. 

The lunch conversation ended when the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. The large group of friends said their goodbyes before dispersing to their next classes – all except Gilbert and Matthew. Gilbert stayed a little longer watching Matthew clean up his trash. He couldn’t help but chuckle at how the blond walked all the way across the cafeteria just to recycle all the recyclables in his lunch. Most kids would just throw it away normally if the recycling bin wasn’t nearby, but not Matthew. Matthew was different. He genuinely cared about little things like this. It was refreshing to see someone like that in a High School like theirs. It was one of the reasons why Gilbert was always surprised at how easily people forgot Matthew. He was just so different, special even. How could anyone ignore him?

Upon returning to the lunch table, Matthew was surprised to see that Gilbert had waited for him. It wasn’t that he didn’t expect the albino teen to go out of his way for him, but more so that no one really waited for each other after lunch if they weren’t going the same place or at least near the same place. It was a gesture Matthew greatly appreciated. 

Out of all his newly acquainted friends, Gilbert had to be his favorite. It wasn’t just the undivided attention he seemed to gain from the other teen, but the albino’s personality himself – the way he could walk around with confidence and seem so comfortable and unafraid. Matthew knew some people viewed it as prideful and cocky, something bad, but Matthew admired it. Beyond his exterior, there was something more to Gilbert, something much deeper. Over the short time they knew each other Matthew had gotten small glimpses of it – the inner workings of Gilbert; the true Gilbert – and it instantly piqued interest. Matthew couldn’t place it, but there was something relatable and calming about it, something that drew him in and made him want to know more.

Matthew grabbed his lunch from the table and looked up to find Gilbert staring at him with a gentle smile. Matthew looked over his shoulders if Gilbert was looking at another one of the students passing by. It was silly of him to do. He knew those red eyes were focused on him; he could feel it.

“What?” Matthew inquired. 

Gilbert’s faraway stare became more focused as he registered the other’s words. He rubbed the back of his neck as he replied, “Nothing, just thinking.” He paused for a moment caught off guard by how easily his mind was drifting, something that had been happening often, before putting his usual smirk on his face and a rough arm around his friend’s shoulder.

Matthew shook his head with a light laugh while being jostled by the albino’s rough handling of him. It was funny how they had only been friends for a short time, and he was already used to the other’s antics. Beyond that, after this short time they both were used to each other. It was something hard to explain like doing a puzzle without the picture nearby to use as a guide. You can get an idea of what the picture your making might be by looking at the pieces, but you will never know exactly in detail what it is until it is put together. Their puzzle is half complete, but already shows a picture even if some pieces seem to be missing completely.

As they walked out of the cafeteria, a mirror image of how they appeared in the hall that morning – Gilbert smiling cockily as he talked with a friendly arm around a smiling Matthew’s shoulder as he listened with interest – Gilbert remembered the plans for the day that he thought through over the weekend. 

“You want to hang out after school?” Gilbert felt more than saw Matthew tense just slightly at his words pondering what he said. Gilbert realized it sounded just like a repeat of Friday and once again found himself waving his hands in front of him trying to clear up what he said.

“Not like Friday! I was thinking that I should make it up to you for ditching, but this time, we won’t split up,” Gilbert grinned and stood tall proudly, “Then there can’t be a mishap like this past weekend.” 

Matthew wanted to laugh at how Gilbert looked standing tall in the middle of the hall seeming so completely proud of his idea, but he just couldn’t laugh because he found the whole ordeal rather nice. It was comforting to know that he had fretted over the past for days in his room for no reason, and that Gilbert was sitting in his room on a different street fretting about him and thinking up something as simple as this. It was something that would be considered nice coming from anyone, but coming from Gilbert, Matthew found it oddly… sweet.

A small smile graced Matthew’s lips before he responded, “Meet me by my locker after school,” and turned down a hallway to their left to head to his next class with a grin.

Gilbert stood still a moment partially stunned. He had been expecting the usual bashful response, and the newly emerged confidence came as a surprise. I knew he had it in him, Gilbert thought as he watched Matthew disappear into a classroom. He always believed the Canadian wasn’t as shy as he first put off. There was a deep confidence inside of the blond that Gilbert just got a glimpse of, and to put it in simple terms, he was craving more. It was just a look that fit Matthew.

Suddenly the tardy bell rang as the last as the straggling students entered their classrooms.

Gilbert slumped his shoulders and rolled his eyes muttering, “Shit!” loudly under his breath before sprinting down the hall to his next class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew goes to Gilbert's house

The school day flew by like a lazy summer afternoon: calm, relaxing, and with a hint of laziness. The day was good, the sky was clear, and the air felt light as Matthew and Gilbert walked to the latter's house. They had chatted with the rest of their lunch group in the hall for a while before splitting up to do all their after school activities or head home. Ludwig needed to stay late for a club meeting, so Gilbert decided they could walk back since it was a nice day and they missed the bus.

Matthew talked animatedly as he recalled to Gilbert some of Alfred’s previous antics and general funny things that happened around his house. Gilbert would laugh and respond with his own story, but he couldn’t help but notice the difference between every instance they retold.

Gilbert was an active character in all his stories usually pulling pranks on Ludwig, or adding his own two cents into his brother’s actions. Matthew was different. He told his stories as an observer, similar to a third person perspective instead of Gilbert’s first person. It took a few moments for Gilbert to realize it, but, even in Matthew’s own stories, it was like the Canadian was barely there, just another wallflower observing the happenings of his crazy family. Of course Matthew was in his retellings, they were stories from his life after all, but it was as if he passed off his parts in the various events as unimportant. 

It wasn’t something Gilbert would usually notice while talking to someone, but it irked him. He just couldn’t help letting the fact get to him, even if Matthew was doing it subconsciously. _“Seriously, this dude needs to realize how awesome he is,”_ ran through Gilbert’s head at one point. He would make his thought become reality, because who is more fit for the job than him?

Matthew beamed as Gilbert laughed at his story about the time Alfred confused where France was making Francis freak out. Gilbert’s laugh caused one to bubble out of Matthew as he watched the albino throw his head back. It was something so simple, yet Matthew wanted to hold onto that moment forever. 

Everything left him feeling light, happy. It caused his eyes to shine brightly and his lips to curve up into a constant grin, one much more prominent than his usual shy smile. Even his walk seemed lighter. He held himself higher; his steps no longer ones of a burdened man but the walk of a lighthearted boy with a life ahead of him.

These changes did not go unnoticed by Gilbert. Matthew’s happiness caused Gilbert to be happy, and Gilbert’s happiness caused the same for Matthew – them feeding off each other’s good feelings. It was like an out of body experience, but it felt amazing: a constant flow of something good circling between them, through them. 

Gilberts grin twitched down as they neared his street. He really hoped his grandfather wasn’t home. It wasn’t that the man would be mad he had bought a friend over, especially one as polite as Matthew, but he never liked explaining why he lived with him. Normally, he would shrug off most people when they asked, but he didn’t think he could do that to Matthew, nor did he want to. He just didn’t want to have to lie to the Canadian, not after knowing way more about Matthew than he should.

He looked at Matthew a moment contemplating everything he knew. It was hard to imagine at times like this – someone with a smile like that could hurt so much inside. He really shouldn’t be surprised. Gilbert would be one to know about those things.

Gilbert let out a mental sigh of relief when he saw his driveway empty. The parent conversation would have to wait for another day – God knows Matthew will find out eventually – and he can’t be upset by that.

Matthew tried not to show how much he was taking in from the house. His quiet nature caused him to be observant, and he didn’t want Gilbert to think he was being judgmental when he was just taking everything in. It was a personality kink that could appear odd at times if people caught him staring.

The house wasn’t what Matthew expected coming from a place where Gilbert lived. It was cleaner and more organized than he imagined, too much if someone were to ask his opinion. It clashed with Gilbert too much. The albino’s crazy nature did not have anything to do with the model home cleanliness he was greeted with. Then he thought of Ludwig. He could definitely imagine this being a place Ludwig would feel comfortable being in. He must take after their parents. 

Matthew realized Gilbert had walked ahead of him while he was looking around and quickened his pace to catch up. He found Gilbert in the kitchen hopping onto the counter as he popped open a soda. 

“You want anything to drink?” Gilbert questioned as he waved a hand around his can.

Matthew shifted his feet looking around the kitchen before responding, “Uh, I’m good.”

Gilbert leaned back on one hand and raised an eyebrow at Matthew who shifted under the gaze. The blonde’s awkwardness caused a Gilbert to smile.

“Dude,” Gilbert paused chuckling as he sat up, “You don’t need to be all polite prim and polished here. Mi casa es tu casa and all that shit.” 

“Spanish? Really?” Matthew joked as he relaxed a little at the other’s words.

“Spend some time with Toni, and you pick up a few things.” Gilbert shrugged as he jumped off the counter and looked over at Matthew again. “You sure you don’t want anything?”

“No, I’m –“ Gilbert gave Matthew an incredulous look stopping Matthew’s words for a moment before the Canadian continued in an exasperated tone, “I’m being serious!”

Gilbert morphed his face to take on a more playfully irritated look as he put his hands on his hips. Matthew shook his head in playful disbelief.

“I don’t need anything because I’m just not a pig like you.” Matthew complimented his words with a playful push to Gilbert’s stomach. 

“Hey! It’s all muscle, and you know it!” Gilbert patted his stomach after he picked up his backpack from where he left it abandoned on the floor.

He started walking out of the kitchen upstairs towards his room saying, “Come on,” to Matthew.

Matthew oinked in response laughing at Gilbert’s face.

Gilbert looked over his shoulder and said, “Whatever, you know I’m awesome.”

Matthew rolled his eyes with a playful grin responding dismissively, “Yeah, whatever.”

The two teens continued their jesting antics until they reached Gilbert’s room. The albino’s room was like what Matthew expected but cleaner. He looked at Gilbert as the albino threw his backpack in a random location not minding where it landed. Then, he looked around the room again. He had a feeling that it wasn’t always this clean. The tidiness must have been the outcome of being stuck in his room all weekend.

A sharp tweet caused Matthew to jump in surprise. He turned his head to the source of the noise, a small cage in the corner. He slowly walked towards it and peered inside. A smile slowly crept onto his face as he saw the little bird inside that tweeted quietly at him. It peered back at him with a tilt of its head. It looked just as curious as the teen peering into the cage.

Matthew jerked in surprise as he was startled by a hand on his shoulder.

“I see you have met Gilbird,” Gilbert explained looking into the cage with a grin.

Matthew gave Gilbert a questioning look complete with a raised eyebrows. “Gilbird?” 

Gilbert looked back at Matthew with a smirk. “He is named after his owner.”

Matthew rolled his eyes responding sarcastically, “I had no idea.”

Gilbert stuck his tongue out at the other teen childishly before turning back to the cage and opening it up. He stuck his hand inside and Gilbird hopped onto his fingers. He slowly retrieved his hand from the cage and held it in front of himself.

Gilbert pet the bird with one finger saying, “Hey there buddy. Miss me? Yeah, I know. Being in there all day must suck.” He lifted his hand higher adding, “You need to stretch your wings.”

Gilbird flew off his finger as the teen lifted his hand and began to fly around the room. Matthew looked on quietly at the scene. He would have never expected Gilbert to care for a small creature so much. Gilbert always gave off a much different vibe, especially when Matthew first met him. 

Gilbert was a comet of enthusiasm, and his ego gave off a very alpha male aura in Matthew’s opinion, though that was only a first impression. Matthew quickly realized Gilbert was so much more than what his exterior showed. Once some of the edges flayed away, there was truly something beautiful to behold, something most people never saw and most likely would never see. It didn’t bother Matthew that so many people would never understand who Gilbert was exactly behind his first glance mirage. Matthew could see part of who he really was, and was content to keep it all to himself.

Gilbird circled around the room a few times before landing atop Gilbert’s abnormally colored hair. Matthew’s eyes lit up with surprise at the action.

“He just does that?” Matthew asked with a hint of amazement. 

Gilbert smirked proudly. “Well, he’s only ever done it to me. He has to warm up to other people usually.”

Matthew shook his head laughing as he said, “You are just too weird.”

“You’re the weird one.”

“And you’re the one with a bird on your head,” Matthew said smirking.

Gilbert looked at him for a moment saying, “Touché,” before kneeling in front of the small TV he had in his room. He looked back at Matthew saying, “Choose a game,” as he gestured to his gaming counsel. 

Matthew browsed through Gilbert’s games looking for one that he was most likely to beat Gilbert at. Gilbert plopped down on the floor waiting for Matthew to choose something. The harsh movement caused Gilbird to fly up into the air.

Before Matthew could grab a Halo game he was sure to win – his sniping skills were deadly, and Alfred didn’t like to play him because of them – the small yellow bird landed next to him. Matthew paused and smiled down at the bird. He couldn’t help but to extend his hand to the creature. He was always fond of animals. 

Matthew had to stop himself from jumping in shock as Gilbird jumped onto his hand and began to walk shakily up his arm unable to find perfect balance on the rising surface as he wobbled. Gilbert sat up from his spot on the floor watching the scene attentively. As he said before, Gilbird took a while to warm up to people. The bird was like a toddler that way, hiding in Gilbert’s hair as a child would hide behind his parent’s leg when confronting a new face. Right now the small bird was perched on Matthew’s shoulder while the latter gleamed. Gilbert looked on with awe – Gilbird would not even do that to _Ludwig._

After a few moments Gilbert spoke up saying playfully, “Okay, Birdie, hurry up and pick something.”

Matthew turned to look at Gilbert with his face full of question, “Birdie?”

“Only a bird could get Gilbird to act like that,” Gilbert said gesturing towards the bird currently perched on Matthew’s shoulder before continuing, “Don’t worry you make a cute bird,” with a wink after seeing Matthew’s ‘are you serious’ stare. 

Matthew turned towards the games to hide his blush before grabbing the game he was choosing before Gilbird distracted him. He threw the case at Gilbert with a smirk and a challenge, “Prepared to be creamed.”

In the following hours it was easy to tell that Birdie would replace Mattie as Gilbert’s nickname for the blond. Matthew protested at first – it didn’t seem like the best name to describe a teenage boy – but he couldn’t deny that it grew on him in the short time. He started to like when Gilbert used it. It was nice to have a nickname that was unique from his actual name and kind of an inside joke between friends. It was something he never really had before and would gladly claim for himself. 

Hours past, and soon, Matthew found himself at home with a smile replaying the day’s events. It was a good day. A very good day.

Gilbert sat in his room with Gilbird thinking similar thoughts to Matthew. Gilbird tweeted next to him. He stared at the bird understanding something others would not be able to see about the feathery creature – it was a kind of silent communication the two of them had – and Gilbert just turned over muttering, “Shut up.”

_______________________________________________________________

Noise cascaded around the kitchen as Arthur grabbed the necessary pans from various cupboards to be used to make that night’s dinner. Francis said earlier that he might have to stay late at the restaurant, and Arthur was not about to pass up a chance to cook. He was just about to start when a noise caused him to look up.

Francis was leaning against the doorway to the kitchen with a smirk, cell phone in hand. “You didn’t really think you could get away with cooking dinner on my night to cook, did you, mon lapin?” the Frenchman teased. 

Arthur grumbled, “Matthew would have eaten it.”

Francis walked into the kitchen waving his phone in a teasing manner as he responded, “Ah, but Mathieu will be home late so it will be cold by then anyways, and we all know leftovers of your food are never good.”

Arthur stopped as he processed his husband’s words. “Matt– … why will he be late?”

“He just texted me saying he was at a friend’s house and that he would be home late for dinner,” Francis said staring at his phone rereading the message. 

Arthur paused for a moment with an almost inaudible hum before saying, “The lad does deserve to spend time with his friends. He’s usually cooped up in his room. I almost thought he was up there now.”

Francis hummed in agreement as he leaned against the counter and began to reach for the pans Arthur had set out. 

The two fell into normal conversation talking about their days and partaking in their usual bickering. Arthur reluctantly gave up his plans of cooking to Francis who took up the job with a grin and a remark about “horrendous English food.”

After a moment of silence, except for the sounds of Francis preparing dinner, Arthur spoke up expecting to get back at Francis for his jab at British culture.

“Why did you have those replacement razors on the dresser earlier? I thought you claimed straight razors were too old fashioned.” Arthur chided taking a jab at Francis’ past comments of Arthur’s preference of a manual razor to electric, though Arthur was genuinely curious about the blades. It didn’t make sense for someone who didn’t use a straight razor to have replacement blades. He didn’t even know you could still get them since it seemed almost everyone just bought new razors when the old ones became dull.

Francis remembered the black box, Gilbert’s speculation of what it meant, and Matthew’s response to why he had it. All the memories floated around in his head with his own thoughts on the matter before he came to a concluding response.

“They were Matthew’s. Apparently, he needed them for an art project,” Francis said flippantly with a wave of his hand.

Arthur sighed and shook his head. “I swear to God it’s like I barely know the boy.”

“Oh, mon lapin, you know that isn’t true,” Francis said comfortingly, moving to stand in front of Arthur.

“Francis, I didn’t even know he liked art that much. I mean, I knew he sketched, but I had no idea any of our sons had a creative passion. And that is something I –” Francis put his hand over Arthur’s mouth stopping his husband’s rambling before it could gain any more speed.

“You are overthinking this again. It isn’t like when you were younger,” Francis paused a moment to make sure Arthur could notice the seriousness in his eyes before releasing the Brit and continuing in a lighter tone, “Besides, if you want to be closer to him, just talk to him. You’ll never find out more about him if you do not approach him first.”

Arthur signed leaning back against the counter. He stared off at nothing contemplating Francis’ words before responding in a thoughtful tone, “I suppose you’re right. It can’t hurt to try to bond a little.”

Francis smiled as he returned to cooking. “Exactly! You two probably have more in common than you know.”

“Sometimes, that’s what I worry about,” Arthur mumbled in a quiet, emotional tone. His eyes were trained at a nonexistent distance a thousand miles away as he contemplated the meaning behind the pained words that left his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew and Gilbert go to the park

A week and a half after his conversation with Francis, Arthur was sitting in the kitchen drinking his morning coffee. The stereotypical paper was replaced with a Bronte novel. He loved English literature – it had a pristine quality that other novels lacked to him – and he had a peculiar soft spot for everything written by the Bronte family.

Despite what some literature fanatics will say, Arthur believed the sisters had similar writing styles, though their themes and voice seemed to differ. In his earlier life when he lived back home in England, he preferred Emily Bronte and her novel _Wuthering Heights_. He found it more relatable, of course not in the 'crazy bouts of love and everyone dies' kind of relatable, but more that he understood the emotions of the characters on a deeper level other than knowing they made sense.

Now, Arthur prefers Charlotte Bronte and, more specifically, _Jane Eyre._ It replaces _Wuthering Heights_ in novels with characters or themes he finds relatable. Jane would always have a special place on his mental bookshelf, and, Arthur supposes, they would be good friends if they could ever meet. He could emphasize with her youth, and a little hope never hurt anyone, something proven in Arthur's experience and in Jane's too if the novel was read for the ending. An ending Arthur always and will forever enjoy because, despite him denying it anytime Francis dares to mention it, he is a romantic; a closet romantic at that. He isn't ashamed of it. A little romance never hurt anyone. Jane chose romance, and it turned out pretty good for her; Arthur made it more of a priority than other arguably important things, and, he will gladly admit with a smile, it didn't turn out too shabby for him.

It was at that moment Matthew walked into the kitchen already dressed for school.

"Good morning," Arthur greeted picking up his bookmark from the table in case he was given the chance to talk with his son.

"Mornin'," Matthew slurred sleepily as he dug through the pantry hoping Alfred didn't eat the last of the pop tarts when he was downstairs earlier. He had a feeling Alfred specifically ate before getting dressed just so he could get the last one. That or hide them. They did that to each other sometimes when they knew they were running out and wouldn't be making a trip to the store anytime soon.

Arthur watched as Matthew started moving around cans and boxes in the pantry knowing full well that Alfred hid them. He decided to give Matthew a clue saying, "Check more to the left."

Matthew paused in surprise not having known Arthur was even paying attention to him and wondering when his dad had become so perceptive as to know what he was doing. He slowly looked to the left; there they were, the box of pop tarts with only one package left inside, so that's why Alfred hid them.

He felt his dad's eyes on him as he ripped apart the empty box and threw it away. It didn't make him feel uncomfortable per say, but it was different. If he were to be honest, it seemed Arthur was watching him more closely over the past week. He really hoped it didn't have anything to do with their fight a few weeks ago. Although that is a good reason to watch him more closely, the thought of getting attention for acting out like that didn't sit well with him. Getting attention that way almost felt like cheating.

Matthew took the seat in front of Arthur at the table not about to let any discomforts upset his routine. Arthur closed his book as Matthew sat down planning on taking this time to try to talk to his son a little bit.

"So…" Arthur dragged off. He thought little conversations like this could bring them closer together. If only he knew what to say.

Matthew looked up at his dad responding with a grunt since his mouth was full. Arthur smiled at Matthew's manners – it was so unlike Alfred – before picking a conversation starter.

"Anything interesting going on today?" Arthur made sure to show curiosity in his voice.

Matthew thought for a moment before saying offhandedly, "I have a French test today, but it's French." He shrugged at the mention of his test. It really wasn't a big deal. French came easily too him, and he was probably one of the best in the class. He considered tutoring before, but he didn't think anyone would care much for him to do it.

"That's good. Sounds like you'll have an easy day," Arthur responded. They were quiet for a moment before Matthew spoke up again.

"I just remembered, I needed to tell you that I'll probably hang out with some friends afterschool, just in case I come in later than usual."

"Oh, well… that's fine. Thanks for telling me beforehand." And this is why they haven't made much progress, or at least that's what Arthur would like to think. He knew part of it was him not knowing exactly how to go about "bonding," but another part was the fact that Matthew wasn't home as much recently. Almost every day his son was hanging out with friends, something Arthur knew Matthew did rarely before. He supposed the scare from a few weeks ago worried Matthew's friends as much as his family. That or Arthur never noticed before, but he really didn't want to think about that.

Matthew checked the clock on the microwave before getting up and saying, "Yeah, well, I better head out. I'm not letting Alfred make me late."

"Have a good day, Lad." Arthur watched as his son walked out the door. The feeling made himself feel like one of those villains on the old cartoon Alfred liked to watch when he was younger saying, "Foiled again!" when things didn't go their way.

As the saying goes, think of the devil and he will come, and so Alfred came down the stairs. Arthur only wished it worked for his other son.

Alfred paused, eyes scanning the kitchen before landing on his father with a questioning look. "Mattie down here?"

Arthur replied, "He just walked out," as he reopened his novel.

Alfred's eyebrows furrowed that the news. Matthew almost always waited for him, and if not, at least complained about Alfred's tardiness before leaving. Alfred said his goodbyes and left as he pondered his brother's behavior as of lately. Something was up, but he couldn't quite place it. Matthew was acting different. Part of it was good: his twin seemed happier and just lively like he took a shot of confidence. Then some parts were bad like how he was always busy and seemed like he was hiding something. Alfred's first guess was drugs – it explained the sudden energy and being busy – but he couldn't see his brother doing something like that. Something had to be wrong, and he wanted to help. He just had to figure out what it was is all. He would take care of his little brother; after all he was good at helping people.

* * *

Matthew didn't have the faintest idea of his dad's or Alfred's thoughts on his change in demeanor. Actually he didn't notice the change. He knew he felt better overall, but it wasn't like he was sitting on cloud nine. He still thought about it, the self-injury, every day to be exact. It was an itch he couldn't scratch, partly because it would be much more than a scratch if he gave in and tried to itch it. Luckily, he found some ways to distract him so he only gave in a few times and it was never bad, just little things.

As the bus stopped, at the school he grabbed his bag and got off the bus before waiting for everyone else to leave. He didn't take notice to the trained eye his twin had on him – his thoughts were elsewhere on a friend he would soon meet up with.

Of course, his thoughts were a bit off. He wasn't the one meeting up with a friend, but the other way around. Gilbert could never get to school before him it seemed, but the albino always seemed to find the Canadian teen in the morning for at least a quick chat, except the days when Ludwig left him at home because he wasn't up yet. Gilbert was never bothered by this, but he usually missed first period. He always got to school in time to make it to second period on time though instead of completely skipping school like he usually would a few weeks ago.

This did not go unnoticed by those closest to him, one being Elizaveta who had an idea as to why that she was not afraid of sharing with Gilbert.

At the moment, she was making kissy faces at him from the other side of Matthew at their usual lunch table. Gilbert caught site of her and turned to Matthew and said with polite sarcasm, "One second."

He then leaned over his friend to smack Elizaveta on the head. Matthew looked on slightly shocked. As much as the two of them bickered, he hadn't quite gotten used to their antics.

Elizaveta ran her fingers through her hair attempting to fix it while saying, "What was that for? It's not like I was doing anything."

Gilbert rolled his eye and did an impression of her mocking in a high pitched voice, "It's not like I was doing anything."

Eliaveta raised an eyebrow. "You're a child."

Gilbert crossed his arms. "Well, you're a bitch."

Matthew was watching the exchange with a small smile when the bell rang signaling fifth period.

Matthew stood up right away saying, "Well, I'm off guys." The others wished him goodbye and Gilbert told him he'd see him later.

Elizaveta followed Gilbert while the albino went to throw his trash away.

Gilbert sighed. "Okay, you have something to say."

Elizaveta smiled. "Of course I do." Gilbert gave her a look silently asking her to continue and she did. "When are you going to make your move?"

"Dude, I told you once before I don't like him like that!" Elizaveta smirked at the other's words before saying happily, "I never gave a name."

Gilbert started walking away but she followed trying to continue the conversation. "Come on, Gil! Is it really going to hurt to tell me? We're like siblings. We are _supposed _to talk about these things, and you know I'm not going to stop bugging you until you tell the truth. I can tell when you're lying."

Gilbert stopped in his tracks and turned around irritated his shoulders stiff. "Fine! I like him, okay?" His words were spat out in annoyance eyes ablaze. "But it doesn't mean anything! It's complicated and he," Gilbert paused running a hand through his hair down to his neck before continuing in a quiet, calmer voice, "He's not like that."

Elizaveta was a surprised by Gilbert's response. She wasn't expecting him to be upset by it, and could tell admitting the words out loud hurt him since he thought his feeling were futile. It was very unlike Gilbert to actually care about something, or someone, and show it openly. She decided that was enough reason to help him out.

"Are you seriously giving up because you don't think he's gay? _Really_ Gilbert?" Gilbert put his hands on his backpack straps and hunched slightly forward at the condescending sound in her voice.

"Amongst other things," he muttered clearly annoyed at having the conversation and thinking about everything he knew about Matthew, especially the things he knew that he shouldn't know. You can't build a relationship on something like that.

Elizaveta rolled her eyes. "The Great Gilbert Beilschmidt is being deterred by something so small?"

Gilbert glared at her. "Friendship isn't small."

Elizaveta didn't miss a beat responding, "But a relationship could be much bigger."

Gilbert sighed knowing he couldn't win this argument, not now. "Well, Matthew isn't worth the risk. He's different. Now, I need to get to class."

Elizaveta let him leave but not before saying, "When you decide to make your move I'll be here."

Gilbert turned around, "Not happening."

* * *

Gilbert found Matthew at the end of the day at his locker, and banged his body against the locker next to Matthew causing the blond to jump in surprise. Gilbert smirked at Matthew's embarrassed face as he ruffled the Canadian's hair while greeting with, "Hey Birdie," in a mocking tone.

Matthew just pushed Gilbert's hand away muttering, "Whatever," with a grin. Gilbert watched for a moment as Matthew looked at his planner to pick which books he would need for the night.

"So… you wanna hang out or something?" Matthew asked snapping Gilbert out of a daze.

The albino was quick to give a witty response saying, "Sure. Your house or mine?"

Matthew rolled his eyes as he closed his locker.

"Actually, forget that question. I don't want to go to mine," Gilbert added. Gilbert remembered that his grandpa would be home today. He continued, "And I have somewhere we can go for a little while. It seems everyone else has something to do today anyways."

"Yeah, Feliciano was saying something about being busy," Matthew's eyebrows furrowed slightly as he tried to remember exactly what Feliciano said during their art class. He was still having trouble keeping up with the eccentric Italian. Gilbert chuckled understanding what was going on in Matthew's head.

They began their track outside and into the nearby neighborhood talking about their days, Gilbert with more enthusiasm and complaints trying to get a laugh out of the Canadian while actually receiving a few smart remarks – something Gilbert would have never expected to come out of Matthew when they first met, but he was beginning to realize how sarcastic the teen could be.

Matthew was in the middle of talking about his day when Gilbert stopped him.

"This way," he gestured down a street. Matthew followed him as the two strayed from the path to his house. The neighborhood had a simple layout; Matthew had a vague idea where they were heading but wasn't quite sure. He decided not to dwell on it much. Anything was better than aimlessly wondering, and he really enjoyed hanging out with Gilbert, more so than any of his other friends.

Actually, he enjoyed the time alone he spent with Gilbert. The albino had a way of just making him forget all his troubles and create smiles on his face. Beyond that, Matthew knew that he got to see a side of Gilbert others missed, a side that was more hidden. He thought about it a lot because he just couldn't help but wonder what Gilbert would choose to keep secret. If Matthew was more outgoing, he would have told Gilbert that the albino could talk about anything or however friends go about making that mutual ground where they can just let out all their problems. He really had no idea how to word something like that, so he would just soak up the company of the other and bask in the feelings it gave him.

"Ah, there it is." Gilbert stood up straight in his pride.

Matthew let out closed-mouthed chuckle before asking in an amused voice, "A park?"

Gilbert turned to him smirking, "Hells yeah! What too old for parks? …Or do you not want to hang here?" Gilbert rushed to add on the second question.

Matthew just smiled. "No, parks are cool. I didn't know what I was expecting. Actually, I can't believe I forgot this was here. Me and Alfred used to go here all the time."

Matthew moved to put his backpack down on a bench and Gilbert followed setting his stuff down as well.

"Yeah, I used to take West here all the time when he was little, but now it seems like people don't come by as often as they used to. I guess most of the kids in the neighborhood are too old now."

Gilbert plopped down on one of the swings. The chains chattered loudly as he hit the seat and leaned back with his eyes closed letting his body soak up the thin sunrays that were reaching out through the clouds. Matthew followed and sat down on the swing next to him only making a slight squeak in the metal. Gilbert chuckled at Matthew's lack of noise. Even with his eyes closed he could see Matthew slowly sitting down in that way that most people sit themselves into chairs when visiting unfamiliar homes.

Gilbert pulled himself up and opened his eyes. Matthew looked on at the other teen's relaxed demeanor.

"I'm guessing you come here often?" The words were spoken softly in Matthew's normal tone.

Gilbert responded in a voice to match, "Yeah, it's a good place to think." He stared out across the small park at the street seemingly lost in thought. Matthew looked at the street ahead as well with a hum of agreement. A cool breeze blew shifting the branches of the few trees nearby.

"Hey Gilbert?" Gilbert stopped rocking on the balls of his feet at the questioning tone and turned his head to look at Matthew responding, "yeah?"

"Uh… Nevermind." Matthew looked down at his feet that were sitting in the mulch causing him to rock forward and back.

"What? …You can ask me whatever. I'm not going to get mad or anything," Gilbert stated.

Matthew looked back up at Gilbert in thought pursing his lips before saying, "It was just… I was wondering why you were so upset this morning. I know it's probably personal and all, but it seemed kind of serious."

Gilbert sighed and lifted his legs off the ground to rock forwards on the swing.

"I… It wasn't anything too big. I –uh – had a fight with my grandpa."

Matthew furrowed his eyebrows. "Your grandpa lives with you?"

Gilbert paused his movements and shifted his eyes towards the blond. Matthew had no idea. Matthew didn't know anything. Gilbert licked his lips before he let out a breath. He never really had to talk about it before. Everyone knew him and West lived with their opa.

"More like we live with him."

Matthew blinked and sat up a little bit. That was not the answer he was expecting.

Matthew spoke hesitantly, "o-oh… umm… can I ask why?"

Gilbert looked at his feet for a moment and then looked back up at Matthew with a rueful smile.

"If you're up for a bit of a story, I don't mind telling you about it."

Matthew shifted unsure if he should say anything. Gilbert took a moment to compose himself before saying, "He is my guardian. My parents are," He paused to stop his voice from cracking but the next word still came out strained, "dead."

Matthew's eyes widened. He would have never guessed, especially by the way the albino acted… but he supposed Alfred acted in a similar way, and they had also been through a similar thing. It was probably a little different than what Gilbert went through though.

Matthew looked back at the street and said just above a whisper, "I'm sorry."

Gilbert looked at Matthew letting his eyes roam around the teen. Matthew really cared. It was strange. It was like Matthew shared in his pain. As much as he hated seeing Mattie hurt, it made him feel a little better.

"It's okay, Birdie. It happened a while ago… I just, I never really had to say it out loud." Matthew looked at Gilbert confusion evident on his face as Gilbert continued, "It was a disaster. Everyone either knew what happened or someone told them. I never had to actually say it." Gilbert shook his head as he realized how ridiculous that was. It had been so many years and he never had to say he had dead parents out loud.

"How'd, how did it happen?"

Gilbert took a deep breath before answering, "A car crash when I was younger. It just, came out of nowhere. One second you have a dad and a mom who is your best friend and the next their gone. No more dad to tell you to straighten up and annoy you sometimes even if it's because he just cares, and no mom to tell you it's alright and that you're not a freak, just different, and give you hugs and the strength to get by. It was hard, and still is sometimes."

"I understand. It was hard when my mom died in a crash, too. Having to move in with someone you don't know as well. No more mom to baby you, to talk to, and no one can ever cook pancakes exactly like she could."

Gilbert chuckled softly at the mention of pancakes.

"What about your dad?"

Matthew sighed softly at Gilbert's question before answering, "I was never really close to him. My parents were divorced after me and Al were born, so it was just my mom and me. She called it the Mattie and mom show." Matthew smiled at the fond memory before continuing, "After she died, I had to move in with dad and Al. It was… different."

Gilbert nodded his head in understanding. Matthew met his eyes with a small smile.

"You said I should prepare myself for a story. So far it seems I'm the one doing the talking." Gilbert mocked offense at his friend's words.

Gilbert shrugged slightly, "Well, what do you want to hear about?"

Matthew looked out at the road in thought, then spoke up saying, "Tell me about your parents."

Gilbert followed Matthew's gaze considering what to say and what not to. After brief contemplation he decided just to say whatever came out. He trusted Matthew.

"My dad was a military man just like his dad, the grandpa I live with. He was pretty cool. I mean, we weren't super close, but I liked him. Lud was actually really close to him, copying him all the time and stuff. Can you tell?" Gilbert peered at Matthew out of the corner of his eye, his question causing the blond to chuckle and nod in affirmation.

Gilbert continued, "It was my mom who I was really close to. She was awesome. She was what I guess people would call a bright soul? I don't know. Basically, she had this loud personality that was just… fun and crazy. It was so different from my dad, but they just worked you know? The only downside was that my opa didn't like her much. He thought she was too wild and stuff, but lo and behold she rubbed off on my dad, they got married and here I am!"

Gilbert smiled but something in his eyes was off. He slumped down a little and began tracing circles in the mulch with his feet.

"Grandpa just didn't understand her. She wasn't crazy. She was just nice. When I was little she used to always say how great it was that I was so unique. You might not believe it, but little kids find it scary when one of their classmates looks like me." Gilbert chuckled at a memory of one of the classmates. "She was always there to make me feel right. When I screwed up, she said how it wasn't my fault. My grandpa always thought she was babying me and that it was making me too much like her… It's kind of why we butt heads so much. I know he hated her… and I can't understand why he is capable of hating something I love."

Gilbert kicked the mulch in frustration. Matthew listened intently and watched Gilbert with a keen eye.

Matthew broke their momentary silence saying, "I hated living with my dad." Gilbert looked up at him.

"He wasn't mean or anything, but he didn't really understand me. He was used to Alfred who is just so loud and extroverted. He just didn't know what to do with a kid as quite as me. I remember one time he was trying to tell me I should talk more like Alfred to make friends and stuff. He really did care, but I just got mad, even exploded at him once. I mean, I had just lost my best friend, so I was just upset with all the changes."

Gilbert nodded in understanding as Matthew paused a moment in his story.

"Then, he had a heart attack." Gilbert's eyes widened. He knew something like this was coming up since Matthew was adopted, but he didn't expect the teen to be so matter-of-fact about it.

Matthew continued, "It wasn't as surprising as the crash though. He had this history of heart problems. I think it ran in his family a little too. Then, Al and me got placed in foster care, and not long after that Francis and Arthur came along."

They were silent for a moment as a breeze blew past.

Gilbert shifted in his swing and broke the silence saying, "They seem nice."

Matthew continued staring straight ahead as he responded, "Francis makes good pancakes."

Gilbert laughed.

"As good as your mom?"

Matthew smiles softly. "Only I can make them like my mom."

Gilbert looked Matthew in the eye speaking softly.

"Maybe you should make me some sometime."

Matthew spoke in a voice just as quite while maintaining eye contact, "I should."

They stared at each other in comfortable silence as the wind blew past shifting their hair and rustling the surrounding trees. Gilbert's eyes darted about Matthew's face stopping to focus on one part for a few moments before moving on. Matthew stared back at Gilbert's eyes letting his own linger on other parts of the albino's face for moments at a time.

Gilbert's hands shifted on the chain of the swing as he swallowed hard – his mouth had gone dry and his tongue suddenly seemed too large. He leaned closer to his friend slowly. His movement was interrupted by a loud ring.

Matthew smiled shyly as he stood and dug through his pocket to get his phone.

"Hello?" Matthew paused listening to voice on the other line. Gilbert sat back into the swing comfortably listening to Matthew continue on the phone, "Hey, dad."

"I'm – uh – at a park right now."

Gilbert could decipher the muffles of Arthur's words on the other end of the phone to inquiring about if Matthew could make it home soon for dinner with his family.

"Yeah, it's okay. I can be there."

Gilbert couldn't make out the next words muffled through the phone, but Matthew chuckled.

"I'll head there now… No, it's okay… I'm not that far. It's the one near the house… I don't know where he is, but he didn't tell me anything about being home late… Okay… I'll be there soon… Bye, dad."

Matthew hung up his phone and turned to Gilbert, "I have to go."

Gilbert nodded as he stood up from the swing. "Yeah, could tell."

They stood in front of each other for a few moments in an awkward silence just staring eye to eye, neither knowing what to do next. Gilbert licked his lips – his mouth suddenly seemed dry again. Matthew fiddled with his hoodie as he put his phone back into his pocket.

Their trance was broken by Matthew speaking up muttering, "I – uh – I should head out then."

Gilbert swallowed thickly before responding, "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow then."

Matthew picked up his backpack and began his trek home. Part way down the street he turned back to Gilbert and waved goodbye.

Gilbert waved back still partly stuck in their earlier trance. He watched his friend fade smaller as he walked away. Gilbert ran a hand through his hair slowly messing it up as he continued to stare.

"Dammit," he muttered fondly before picking up his home bag and walking home in the opposite direction, his mind traveling back to the boy turning down a different street.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gilbert gets advice.

While getting ready for bed, after removing all the pillows, Matthew found himself standing next to his bed lost in thought. It had been an interesting day. He never would have expected to have a conversation with Gilbert like the one he had, and especially not to hear Gilbert say the things he did. It was refreshing in an odd way.

If Matthew were to be completely honest, before today he was afraid of what would happen if he and Gilbert remained friends. Before their conversation, he spent time wondering if he would ever be open with his friend and what Gilbert would think of him, but his fear dissolved after that afternoon.

The whole thing bought his image of Gilbert down to earth, it humanized him. Ever since the bridge, he sometimes wondered if Gilbert was even real. Gilbert was just too amazing, too great in so many ways, and too convenient to turn up now. It was as if some higher being looked down on Matthew's life and bestowed upon him the best possible gift, someone to love.

Matthew started at the direction his thoughts had taken. Did he really just use the L word? He was comfortable enough with himself to admit he formed a small crush on Gilbert, but he hadn't thought much of it. Never in the past was he close to someone he was attracted to. The whole predicament left him a little lost.

He had no idea what to do in a situation like this. Hide his feelings? Go for it? He didn't even know if Gilbert was gay for God's sake! Should he bring that up first? He really didn't expect to be judge for his own sexual preferences. Gilbert knew about his dads and was cool with it. But where did Gilbert stand?

Matthew laid down with a sigh. Of course, the moment he gets a really good friend he develops a crush on them. He thought back to everything he knew about Gilbert; replayed each moment in his head as he lay there in the dark staring at the ceiling. He thought back to the multitude of lunchtimes; then to the times in the hallway.

Then he thought of Elizaveta. Then he thought of Elizaveta and Gilbert. Elizaveta and Gilbert. How had he not seen that before? There had to be something there… even if they didn't know it.

They gave off one of those 'Kim Possible and Ron Stopable' vibes, destined to be together. He bet everyone that knew them longer saw it. Gilbert even did that thing where he pretends to be tough when he really isn't.

_ Guys do that to impress girls, right?_ Matthew wasn't completely positive. It wasn't anything he ever did before, but he never really had close relationships with crushes.

He sighed.

_I guess it would be best to let it go right now._

He knew he was being pessimistic with the whole Elizaveta thing. That kind of thought process was still ingrained in him. It was hard to imagine things going his way even if they had recently. He would just let things flow normally. Besides, it was just a crush.

* * *

Gilbert walked into his homeroom class earlier than usual. The room was already full of kids bustling about; the noise of a constant chatter cascaded around the room. Gilbert paid no heed to his classmates. He had one person to talk to and a conversation from the day before running through his head.

Gilbert walked up to Elizaveta's desk and slammed both hands on the surface, his body looming over her confused form.

"Okay. I'm in." Gilbert stated seriously.

Elizaveta looked back at him in confusion before responding, "What?"

Gilbert plopped down in his desk sideways as to still face his friend. He waved his hand about as if trying to conjure words as he began speaking, "You know," He waved his hand about more as if he could magically send the message to her head instead of having to say them out loud.

Elizaveta raised an eyebrow at him as she inquired, "What do I know?"

Gilbert sighed trying to suppress the embarrassment he felt.

"You know about what you said yesterday? About helping out with Matthew? I'm in," he exasperated not liking having to verbally ask for her help.

Elizaveta smirked and leaned forward at his words.

"Oh really now? And _what _made you change your mind?"

"I hung out with Matthew, we talked a bit, and I decided I want to go for it, okay?" Gilbert exasperated.

"You talked? About what?"

Gilbert glared not really angry. "It's none of your business."

Elizaveta put her hands up in mock defense replying, "I was just curious," she put her hands down before continuing, "And I guess that means he didn't say anything about being gay?"

Gilbert leaned back in his chair dragging out a, "No."

Elizaveta hummed in response. After a moment Gilbert having yet to move from his awkward position spoke up stating, "You never said if you were going to help."

"Do you really need to ask that?"

Gilbert chuckled while he sat up, "I guess not."

He stretched his arms above his head. "So, all knowing woman, what should I do?"

"Oh yeah, I can definitely get used to being called that. But I'm thinking it might be best to just scope things out first. Take it slow, you know?"

Gilbert replied, "Yeah, I guess you're right. And here I thought this would be easy, and you would do all the work."

Elizaveta rolled her eyes. "I'm more here to help you out and push you in the right direction. AKA make sure you don't do something stupid like usual."

Gilbert nodded. "Yeah, okay I can see that. Hey! Wait! Like Usua –"

The bell rang cutting him off.

He glared at Elizaveta hissing, "This isn't over."

She just joked, "It definitely isn't if you're gonna get your man."

* * *

Gilbert walked to his second period class with a nervous feeling sitting in his stomach. He hadn't seen Matthew since he came to terms with his own feelings yesterday. He knew it was stupid to worry about how to act. It wasn't like anything had changed, but it sure felt like it.

He would just have to act like he normally did. It couldn't be hard. He liked Matthew before. He was just openly admitting it now. All he had to do was listen to Elizaveta's advice: "Be yourself."

He didn't know what he was expecting to hear from Elizaveta this morning. She was always good with relationship stuff. He supposed he expected her to tell him some big advice on it all; not some overused cheesy line. He sighed.

Gilbert guessed that if Elizaveta said it there must be some truth to it, and at least it was something easy. It really can't be that hard to just be his awesome self.

His words backfired the moment he walked into his second period classroom and laid his eyes on Matthew. Matthew had yet to see Gilbert, too occupied flipping through his notebook.

Gilbert paused in the doorway. He swallowed. His tongue suddenly seeming out of place in his mouth. He took a breath; then gripped the strap of his backpack one finger at a time before continuing to walk.

Matthew looked up to meet Gilbert's eyes right before the albino sat down.

Gilbert attempted to plop in the seat like usual but hit himself at an odd angle making a pain sore through his back from his collarbone. Matthew began to laugh loudly as Gilbert cursed the desk.

"Dude, it's so not funny," Gilbert grunted rubbing his butt.

"I don't know. I think it's hilarious," Matthew chuckled eye alight.

Gilbert look at Matthew's ready to make a snide comment but ended up chuckling.

"Yeah, Yeah, we'll see if I'm sympathetic next time you do something stupid," Gilbert joked.

Matthew paused before letting out a forced laugh. He wasn't sure exactly what Gilbert meant, and if he was getting the wrong hints from it.

Gilbert started as he heard Matthew's laugh, and then he realized what he said. _Damn,_ he thought. At first he was going to lighten the mood again, but then he realized that this could be a chance to tell Matthew about what he knew.

"Hey, Birdie?"

"Yeah?" Matthew question distractedly as he started digging through his backpack for a pen.

The late bell rang as Gilbert opened his mouth to speak.

Matthew smiled requesting, "Tell me after class, okay?"

"Uh… yeah." Gilbert felt half there as if he really was sitting at the other side of the room watching the exchange. He was turning to face the front of the classroom as the teacher began to lecture when his conscious finally rejoined his body. His mind went haywire.

He had almost told Matthew. He was about to say that he knew about the cutting and the attempted suicide and everything. That… was that even a good idea? Looking back, it didn't completely see like the right time. He never planned out how to go about saying it. He had completely forgotten about mentioning it until now.

_"Maybe it was good I didn't tell. Aren't there like specific ways you have to mention it?" _he mused about his luck as he tried to rack his brain about people who train to talk to teens with the same problems as Matthew.

In all honesty, he had no idea what he was doing. He liked Matthew, he really did, and he knew he should tell. He just wasn't sure how, and if Matthew even would want him to bring it up. With the way Matthew acted it seemed as if he already knew that Gilbert knew and was just avoiding upfront confrontation about it. Gilbert was still around; still treating him with respect, watching his words and those things, maybe that was all he needed to do about it.

Gilbert continued flipping ideas over in his head as he completely zoned out of class. He looked over at Matthew who was diligently taking notes. Gilbert smiled thinking, "O_verachiever."_

When the bell rang signaling the end of class, the two friends got up as usual to walk most of the way to their next classes together.

In the hallway, Matthew questioned, "Oh, before I forget, what did you want to say earlier?"

"Oh, uh, I don't really remember. It wasn't important."

* * *

Alfred watched Matthew in their third period class just trying to understand his brother. Something was up recently, but he just couldn't place it. He was going to spend some time with Matthew yesterday after school to figure it out, but got caught up with some friends instead.

Alfred narrowed his eyes as if that would help see through the layer of skin worn on Matthew for everyone to see, as if it would give him a special x-ray vision to see thoughts or feelings instead of what his normal eyes saw.

Alfred liked superheroes. Unfortunately, he was not a superhero and could only see his brother sitting in class with a small smile obviously not paying attention.

It made no sense to Alfred. Matthew was happy right now, and the other day he was really sad, and earlier than that he was angry. It was like a mood swing that was lasting over a long period of time. He considered what could be changing in his brother's life that could cause these mood swings.

The only thing he could come up with were Matthew's friends. Matthew used to have much more free time for some bro-chill-time, BCT as Alfred referred to it, and just was a naturally laid-back-at-home kind of person. Now, Matthew was out of the house all the time, hanging out with friends almost every day.

Alfred suspected drugs, peer pressure maybe, or worse, peer pressure into doing drugs.

Matthew was a shy person; he didn't have a lot of close friends that he hung out with. To Alfred, that seemed like a perfect candidate to be manipulated.

Alfred shook his head and tried to pay attention to the teacher. He never did well with worry. It was Matthew's business who he hung out with, he was a smart kid and could take care of himself. Alfred didn't doubt Matthew had that capability, but just knew his brother was like. Besides, it was kind of his job to make sure Mattie was okay, it had been like that a while.

He just needed to scope things out.

Alfred glanced at Matthew.

He would have to start small. Matthew never liked him meddling.

* * *

Lunch among Matthew's friends was a calmer affair than most days. There wasn't as much loud arguing and excited chatter. Lovino was attempting to give Antonio the silent treatment while Antonio tried to coax him into talking, Ludwig was trying to explain various math problems to Feliciano who listened diligently, and Gilbert was just talking less.

Gilbert was putting it off as being hungry and not wanting to talk with his mouth full, but in reality he was thinking of things to say. Elizaveta watched him with a roll of her eyes not understanding why he was so dramatic.

Elizaveta made sure Matthew wouldn't hear as she leaned over to Gilbert and muttered, "Dude, it's not hard, just talk like you normally do but with more flirt," referring to the advice she told Gilbert as she passed him in the hall on the way to the cafeteria.

Gilbert glanced at Matthew who was currently discussing some book with Roderich who had been pleased to discover that Matthew was an avid reader of literature, especially classics.

"I can't just _do_ that. It's _Matthew," _Gilbert whispered with as much exasperation as he could muster in his quiet voice.

Elizaveta rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Gil? That should be the reason it is easier! You flirt all the time with people."

"That's different."

"Whatever. But you need to show you're interested at least."

"No shit, Sherlock," Gilbert said followed by the complaint, "Why did I tell you about this again?"

Gilbert knew why. It's because he didn't want to horribly screw it up. This wasn't just some random hot person at a party. This was Matthew and he was just… different.

Gilbert began to listen in on Roderich's and Matthew's conversation waiting for a moment to jump in.

"I know we are supposed to feel sympathy for Humbert, but I just couldn't," Matthew was saying to Roderich.

Roderich responded, "Yes, but after hearing the story from his view it was obviously something out of his control, so it he wasn't completely at fault."

Matthew balked. "Oh come on! He so killed Mrs. Hayes, and his mind made up for it! How can you not see that? And it symbolized that no one could stop him!"

Gilbert smiled at how offended Matthew looked by Roderich's views of whatever novel they were currently talking about. He looked at Roderich to see the teen considering Matthew's words with speculation.

Roderich was about to retort when Matthew raised an eyebrow combined with a look challenging Roderich to say something. At that point Gilbert laughed unable to just watch.

"Oh shut up," Roderich snapped. "It's not you can have a proper opinion. You didn't even read the book."

Gilbert grinned as he retorted, "That I did not, but I know Birdie here has to be right." He threw an arm over Matthew's shoulders that were shacking with laughter.

Roderich shot Gilbert an annoyed look before turning to Antonio to advise him to stop pestering Lovino.

Gilbert squeezed Matthew's shoulder before slowly moving his arm back to his person. Matthew felt the ghost of his hand print prickling on his skin through the hoodie he wore. He tried to will away the blush that was forming at the feeling only partly successful.

After a few moments Gilbert questioned, "Hey, Birdie, you want to come over today?"

"Yeah, that'd be fun."

Matthew smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!
> 
> The book referenced was Lolita.   
Fun fact: We are getting to the chapters I wrote my junior and senior year of high school.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some sentences are in French. My old files are a mess, and I am not sure if this is from the one I crappily translated myself or the one my friend helped me translate - I'm kind of guessing.  
Either way, the translations themselves aren't important but will be posted at the end. If you know French and they are wrong feel free to correct me because this may be from the "wrong file," and I'm sorry by how much the wrongness might grate on you.  
As always, enjoy the chapter.

Alfred chose to walk home by himself the following Wednesday in order to think. The original plan was to walk with Matthew to the house, but when he asked his brother, Matthew claimed to the be hanging out with friends.

Had Matthew used that excuse earlier than lunch that day Alfred would have questioned it, but lunched changed his mind.

That day, during the class he shared with Matthew, Alfred invited Matthew to sit with him at lunch. He personally thought it was an amazing idea. He could keep an eye on Matthew, Matthew could make friends, and maybe it would help fix whatever was happening to his brother.

Alfred relived the moment – walking up to his brother asking, "Hey bro, you wanna eat with me today?"

Matthew looked startled at the question as if his mind was just returning to his body from some imaginary world; then he looked confused.

"Uh… what?"

Alfred just replied with a smile, "Lunch. Eat with me."

"Oh…No thanks."

"Okay. Wait – you don't want to?" Alfred asked incredulously genuinely surprised.

"No, Al. I'd rather eat with my friends."

Alfred was taken aback. He didn't consider that Matthew would choose not to.

"Okay," Alfred dragged out the word turning back toward his desk, "Well the offer always stands."

Matthew just smiled amused at Alfred's lingering form. "Whatever you say, Al."

Continuing his track home, Alfred went through the scene a second time. When he had first seen Matthew sitting in class, Matthew had looked distracted, worried, even… sad.

Alfred was sure Matthew would perk up at the lunch offer, and he did, just not the way Alfred expected. Something seemed odd about Matthew's new friends – he was observant enough to conclude that whoever they were, they had to be recently acquired. It would have been unlikely for them all to start hanging out so often at once if they had already been friends, and would not have explained Matthew's change in mood.

The thing that irked Alfred was how distracted Matthew seemed even when in a good mood… especially when in a good mood? Focusing on it now, maybe Matthew was more distracted when happy.

Alfred sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He wasn't always good with reading people, and he wasn't sure what to think. All Alfred knew was that something was wrong with Matthew.

It seemed that way for a while, just much more subtle. Alfred believed it was just the high school transition. Matthew was shy, a very introverted person, and the pressures of high school can be hard for someone like that.

Alfred mentally raised his eyebrows. There was a chance someone was using Matthew, or being mean to him, or peer pressuring him into something. Then again, Matthew was a smart kid. Alfred would just have to see who Matthew's friends were.

Alfred turned onto his street after deciding that was best and feeling a little better about the situation.

* * *

Matthew was having a good day. Good days were beginning to be far more common than the bad recently, mostly because he had something to look forward to everyday.

Right now, he was looking forward to meeting Gilbert after school. Today, the two were going to hang out at Gilbert's for a bit.

Matthew walked to his locker after the final bell easily evading the crowd of students around him. He could feel his happiness rising at the thought of being able to spend some time with Gilbert, just him and Gilbert. Matthew knew he shouldn't feel this excited to see a friend, but there was nothing he could do about it.

He was not about to ask anyone in his family for advice on how to handle crushes. Just the thought of their reactions could make him shiver. He decided earlier to just grip the safety bars and ride it out. He hadn't found a way to ruin their friendship yet, so he was convinced he couldn't ruin it if he kept the tiny crush thing to himself – no letdowns, no awkwardness, just a phase.

He finished going to his locker with no appearance from Gilbert yet. Matthew looked around. Usually Gilbert was here already talking about some opinion he had on an event that happened in one of his afternoon classes.

His eyes quickly found Gilbert in the crowd – it was always easy to spot the albino in a crowd. Gilbert was in deep conversation with Elizaveta.

"Okay, so why don't you just start talking about relationships or something?" Elizaveta asked Gilbert.

Gilbert dragged a hand over his mouth and down to his chin as he mulled it over.

"I'm just not sure. I mean… Yeah, I'm just not sure about that one," Gilbert responded distractedly still going over all the pros and cons in his head.

"Oh come on! It is a perfect idea and not too different from what you wanted!" Elizaveta exasperated. "Can't you see it? You start talking about relationships. Matthew starts thinking about relationships. You knock up the flirt super high. Message sent. Conversation goes on a bit. Then… Bam!" she clapped for emphasis, "Message received and you have your man."

She stood proudly as Gilbert looked at her incredulously.

"No."

"Why not?" Elizaveta asked surprised.

"I just… I have to be very careful, okay? This? This cannot be mistaken as a whim or… or anything not sincere or because of… It just can't be misunderstood."

"Gilbert, you're barely making sense. I get you like Matthew, but why are you watching yourself so much?"

"I…I just can't tell you, okay? Not now. It… I really should have told." Gilbert took a breath. Thinking about the bad things wasn't going to help. "I just don't want to screw up. You get that."

Elizaveta sighed. She had an itching feeling there was more to it, but she couldn't make Gilbert talk.

"Fine. Just be yourself, and at least _try_ to be a bit flirty. God knows that boy won't notice where you're coming from if you're not at least a bit blunt."

Gilbert rolled his eyes. "Whatever, and before you ask you're not getting pictures of anything when we get together." Gilbert turned to try and see where Matthew was.

Elizaveta huffed, but before she could speak Gilbert spotted Matthew watching them and turned to her putting a hand on her shoulder.

"As insightful as you have been, I have a handsome blond over there waiting for me so… see ya."

Gilbert jogged over to where Matthew was by his locker.

"What up, Birdie?" Gilbert said sliding next to Matthew's locker with a grin.

"What were you and Elizaveta talking about?" Matthew nodded at where Elizaveta was walking away with a girl he didn't recognize.

Gilbert blushed. "Uh… Nothing important or anything. Just regular chitter-chatter, you know?"

Matthew gave him a questioning look before responding suspiciously with a dragged out, "Yeah."

Gilbert decided to get back on track. "So, you ready to go or should we stand around some more?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe we should just stay here all day."

Gilbert gawked, "What?"

"Kidding," Matthew laughed. "Come on let's get going."

Gilbert shook his head following Matthew outside. He really liked getting to see this side of Matthew. Everyone thought he was just this shy kid, but there were time like this with Gilbert where he would just joke and go on tangents talking about everything.

"And you should have seen his face! It was hilarious!" Matthew beamed.

Gilbert cut off Matthew's story about Alfred. "Hey, why do you like polar bears?"

Matthew gave him a confused look. "Uh… Why do you ask?"

Gilbert shrugged. "Well the other day you were trying to convince Feli they were the best, and I just can't figure out why you like them so much."

"How can you not like them? They are majestic beasts of the north! They are so cool like –" A ringing cut off the beginning of Matthew's rant.

They stopped walking so Matthew could dig his phone out of his pocket. Gilbert pretended not to listen to Matthew's side of the conversation when he answered.

"Hello?" Gilbert saw Matthew roll his eyes and grin.

"Qu'est-ce que vous avez besoin, Papa?"

Gilbert's ears perked up at the French. He sometimes forgot Matthew was practically fluent, and then there were times like this.

Matthew spoke up again after a few seconds chuckling, "Non, je vais à la maison de Gilbert aujourd'hui."

Gilbert perked up at the sound of his name being spoken with all the French. He did always like when Matthew spoke French. It was so cool and now…

"Non! Papa! Nous sommes juste amis!" Matthew said defensively into the phone, a blush forming on his face.

There was a pause for a few minutes where Gilbert tried to strain his ears to hear what the person on the other line was saying.

Then Matthew spoke again a little dejectedly, "Je ne sais pas où est Alfred." He paused. "Yeah. Okay bye."

They walked a few seconds in silence before Gilbert spoke up.

"Who was that?"

"It was just my Papa. He wanted to know what I was up to and if I knew where Alfred was today and stuff."

"And stuff." Gilbert chuckled after meeting Francis he knew the man had to be teasing Matthew.

"Oh, shut up!" Matthew half-heartedly punched Gilbert's arm.

"I always forget you speak French."

Matthew just shrugged. "It's not that exciting. Not a lot of people around here speak it either, so I really can only use it with my Papa."

"It suits you," Gilbert paused, "And you can so use it for more! You can use it to pass your language elective. I can't use German for that."

"I never really thought about it that way," Matthew said, "It's kind of a natural part of speaking."

Gilbert smirked, "Yeah, it just slips out sometimes."

The pair continued walking to Gilbert's house taking much longer than a normal walk to there from the school would be, but neither minded. The weather was nice – not a cloud in the sky with a slight breeze – and the company was enjoyable.

Gilbert was talking as they approached his house. "I know. I know. I'm just saying it's a waste of time to make _all _of us do it. You have to see where I'm coming from!"

He held the front door for Matthew as the later responded thoughtfully, "I guess I can see what you're trying to say, but still practice is an integral part of learning even if the practice seems useless."

Gilbert rolled his eyes playfully, "Better watch it. You're starting to sound philosophical there."

They both laughed as they walked towards the stairs.

"Gilbert!" A rough voice broke through there laughter.

Gilbert froze taking a glance at Matthew, the kitchen and back again. He was too distracted talking he didn't check to see if his grandfather was home. He scanned the room silently praying for a way to hide Matthew or maybe to hide his grandfather from Matthew.

His grandpa walked out of the kitchen, "Gilbert we – " He paused when he saw Matthew standing at the bottom of the stairs sheepishly.

Matthew could feel the man's eyes sizing him, judging, before Gilbert's grandfather's posture softened.

"Hello. I didn't know Gilbert was bringing anyone over."

Gilbert didn't respond, avoiding eye-contact with his grandpa.

"I'm Gilbert here's grandfather," he grasped Gilbert's shoulder as he spoke, "but you can call me Mr. Beilschmidt," the man spoke gruffly as he held out a hand for Matthew.

Matthew responded, "I'm Matthew. It's nice to meet you," as he shook Mr. Beilschmidt's hand.

Mr. Beilschmidt raised his eyebrows slightly surprised at the firmness of the timid boy's handshake.

"Gilbert, I need to talk to you about something if you don't mind," Mr. Beilschmidt said now address his grandson.

Gilbert noticed his most recent French quiz in his grandfather's hand mentally reminding himself not to just leave anything with a bad grade on it in his room.

"I mind," Gilbert responded defiantly.

Mr. Beilshmidt stiffened crinkling the quiz slightly drawing Matthew's attention to the paper. The man glanced at Matthew before giving Gilbert a stern look that could only be gained after a military career.

"Gilbert. Are you sure about that?"

"Actually… fine," Gilbert muttered defeated.

Matthew watched as Gilbert followed Mr. Beilsmidt into the kitchen just out of sight a wall separating them. He had expected to hear yelling or at least Gilbert being loudly defensive, but instead all he heard was the mumble of normal voices.

Inside the kitchen, Mr. Beilsmidt was talking to Gilbert in an attempt to get Gilbert to open up.

"I found this on the floor in your room," Mr. Beilsmidt stated calmly showing the paper to Gilbert.

"Why were you in my room?" Gilbert snapped not looking at his grandfather.

"You just left the door open, and I saw this on the floor. It was very clean."

Gilbert looked at his grandfather trying to read his features. Compliments didn't usually faze Gilbert.

Gilbert took a breath to calm himself before responding, "What about it?"

"I'm just worried. You're not doing well, and it doesn't seem like you even care."

Gilbert huffed at that before Mr. Beilsmidt continued, "Now, I'm glad your hanging out with a friend now, especially someone new," Gilbert stiffened at the implications, "But I want you to at least show you care about school, or something at all."

"This," Mr. Beilsmidt shook the quiz, "is not _cool_ if that is what you're going for."

Gilbert snatched the paper from his grandpa's hands. "I don't think it's cool or any _shit_ like that!"

"Language, Gilbert!" Mr. Beilsmidt ordered.

They exchanged a few more words before Gilbert left the kitchen and was reminded that they weren't alone in the house. All the anger evaporated from Gilbert when he saw Matthew by the stairwell looking concerned.

"Hey," Gilbert greeted sheepishly.

"You okay," Matthew asked.

"Yeah, I'm good. He just wanted to talk about this quiz. I'm kind of doing bad in the class."

"Can I see?" Matthew inquired motioning to the quiz. Gilbert shrugged handing the paper over.

Matthew looked the failing grade over for a moment.

"You know, you actually were pretty close. You just chose the wrong verb"

Gilbert chuckled, "Native speakers."

"That's not it. Il n'est pas si difficile quand vous étudiez," Matthew said playfully causing Gilbert to laugh despite not knowing what his friend said.

"You speak French?" Mr. Beilsmidt spoke up from the kitchen doorway.

"Yes, sir," answered Matthew politely.

"Why don't you tutor Gilbert?" Mr. Beilsmidt suggested.

"What?" Gilbert broke in trying to hide his panic.

M. Beilsmidt shrugged. "You need help, and I'd think you'd want to get help from a friend rather than someone else. That's if you are okay with it, Matthew."

Matthew looked between the two Beilsmidts not sure how to respond. Mr. Beilsmidt sensed Matthew's discomfort so added, "Just think about it," before returning to the kitchen to start dinner.

The two teens remaining were silent for a second.

"I really wouldn't mind," Matthew said timidly. Gilbert ignored the statement.

"You wanna go for a walk?" asked Gilbert.

"Uh… sure?"

Matthew wasn't too sure what to think about what happened at Gilbert's house. It had just occurred to him that he had never met Gilbert's grandfather before now, something that was strange since he and Gilbert hung out all the time. Matthew thought back to the time Gilbert talked about his family and the relationships he had with them. It was one thing to consider the disconnect between Gilbert and his grandfather, but another to see it in person. Seeing Gilbert's grandfather attempt to reach out to his grandson only to have Gilbert turn away was thought provoking for Matthew.

It was unusual to see someone turn away from comforts like that. Matthew only wished someone would reach out to him like Gilbert's grandfather. He supposed it only showed how different Gilbert and him really were.

After a while they made it to the same park where their recent heart to heart took place. It seemed different to both of their eyes. It no longer only carried the long ago nostalgia of childhood, but also reminded both of them of the secrets they carried about each other, the little things they've seen that others would never know.

They didn't speak about this indescribable feeling, but it was in the dry air around them.

They found themselves sitting on the same swings that sat at before in a stilled conversation, everything calm and relaxed even the wind.

"You know, it would be a good idea to tutor you," Matthew said nonchalantly.

Gilbert looked at his friend biting the inside of his cheek before responding, "You really don't need to. You wouldn't get anything out of it."

"Sure I would. I could use it on applications, and I would be helping a friend." Matthew smiled in way Gilbert could only pinpoint to the word pure. He was never great with words, not an author of any sorts, but he knew there was no way to describe the genuine looks Matthew sometimes had. It always amazed him how he could be next to someone so caring. It left a constricted feeling in his chest that made him overly aware of the manner he was breathing.

Gilbert sighed, "I guess it couldn't hurt."

Matthew's grin grew, "Great! We can start when we begin the next unit."

Gilbert swallowed. "Yeah," he muttered before beginning to swing.

They stayed at the park for a while soaking in the sun and enjoying one another's company.

It was during times like this Matthew could really let go and it felt amazing. During a pause in their joking around, he thought about what he had just agreed to: tutoring Gilbert. He didn't think that Gilbert would be a bad student, on the contrary Gilbert put himself wholeheartedly in the things he deemed worthy of awesome as he would say.

It was more the implication of what would happen. They would have to be alone with no distractions. Matthew knew it was a ridiculous thing to worry about since they were alone all the time, but it seemed different in some way. Matthew looked at Gilbert observing his friend.

Then, he chuckled in his head, _"It really is like a preteen crush. Look at what I'm thinking."_

Gilbert heard Matthew chuckling and inquired, "What?"

Matthew just gave a small smile. "Nothing."

"No. Tell me!" Gilbert grabbed Matthew's swing tugging closer so he could grab Matthew.

"Let go, Gil!" Matthew exclaimed struggling.

"Not until you tell!"

Gilbert let go when Matthew said he felt his phone vibrating.

Matthew opened his cell to see a text from Alfred reading,

"_You should come home soon. Dad keeps going all bezerko wondering if you'll be home for dinner and stuff."_

Gilbert tried to peer over Matthew's shoulder to read the text.

"What does it say?"

Matthew pushed Gilbert's face away from his shoulder. "Just Al saying I should head home. Sounds like my dad wants to make sure everyone is at dinner. We like having dinner together," Matthew spoke shrugging of his words.

"That's cool," Gilbert said genuinely.

"What is?"

"Family dinners. You know, with everyone there and that whole setting and stuff," Gilbert spoke quietly, seemingly distracted.

"I guess," Matthew said not wanting to sound ungrateful by saying they really weren't for him.

Time passed quickly after that for Matthew as if he was watching the world pass. In a moment he was saying goodbye to Gilbert, and the next he was sitting at his dinner table as his dad tried to ask him about his day.

"Anything new happening, Matthew?" Arthur inquired genuinely curious.

"Nothing really," Matthew responded expecting the subject to be dropped.

"Who did you eat with at lunch?" Alfred asked a little too loudly.

Matthew gave him a confused look as he said slowly in a matter-of-fact manner, "My friends."

Alfred huffed sitting back a moment before questioning, "Well, who did you hang out with after school?"

Matthew rolled his eyes getting ready to make a sarcastic remark, but Francis spoke first.

"He was with Gilbert of course," Francis spoke with a grin.

Alfred muttered, "Gilbert," to himself making sure he put the right face to the name. Then he pursed his lips. If it was the Gilbert he was thinking about, then his theories could be true.

"Yeah," Matthew said slowly not quite keeping up with the conversation.

Francis looked at his son with a smile that said he knew more as conversation around the table moved on to other things, and so the night went on until everyone was in bed. Matthew slept well that night.

* * *

A few days past, and Gilbert found himself in his homeroom early. It is a new habit. By doing work on time, he goes to bed early, with better sleep he is easier to wake up, and ready the same time West is so they just leave for school.

He would never openly say it, but he did like getting to school early, just because of the time it gave him to think. It was just nice to have a day where he could relax and not be in a panic on the inside to go fast to make it on time.

Gilbert thought of a lot of things, but mostly he thought of Matthew, the new presence in his life that was slowly morphing it into something else.

Gilbert was a person that planned a lot. He made little strategies and plans for everything. He could sometimes tell how people would react, abet he didn't always use the knowledge, but it was there. When dealing with Matthew, he couldn't read anything, and all plans vanished. Any way he had planned to address anything with Matthew disappeared once they started talking.

It got a bit annoying when he was by himself again reliving those kinds of missed moments. Liz would not be too happy, but he couldn't explain it in words. At least he didn't have to worry about ever not being himself around Matthew, because that was all he could be.

The thought was a little scary. He could only be himself. He couldn't hide any insecurities or little ticks. It was horrifying and thrilling. He loved every second of it.

He even looked forward to it. The way it felt to be that way with someone, but not just someone, Matthew. He was a perfection Gilbert could only strive to be if he wanted to even come close to such flawlessness. That's what he thought at least.

His hours flew by when he was with Matthew, something that he wasn't the only one experiencing. Days morphed together as if moving at light speed for both teens ever since they started hanging out. While time went on, it felt slow, both noticing everything, but when looking back the weeks had passed quickly and still were.

Gilbert's day went on and so did Matthew's until it was Tuesday evening.

Matthew packed away his books after finishing his last math problem. It took longer than it should have, but he was distracted. He couldn't get Gilbert out of his head. He kept finding the albino in everything. It took effort not just to tell stories about Gilbert at dinner every night. Maybe he was just more aware of every time Gilbert came up than before.

Whatever the reason, he didn't mind. At least, he didn't mind until after dinner that night.

It was his night to help with the dishes after dinner that night. Francis took that chance to hang around the kitchen busying himself so he could talk to his son.

"So… Mattieu, how is high school?" Francis asked casually mid-conversation.

Matthew paused his movements in the sink, but smiled a little.

"Nothing special really," Matthew shrugged the question off.

"Oh," Francis raised a curious eyebrow, "No infamous romances are forming?" Francis inquired dramatically.

Through chuckles Matthew denied, "Non, Papa."

"Ah, that is shameful! You know, me and your father were already starting to hit it off back when we were that age?"

Matthew rolled his eyes, "I think dad remembers it differently."

Francis' face contained a small smile his eyes focus on a past memory while he spoke to Matthew saying, "Love finds itself in the most peculiar of places and manifests itself in the most interesting of ways."

Francis caught Matthew's concentrated gaze from the sink and winked.

Matthew returned his focus on the dishes adjusting to the words, letting them swim around in his head for a few moments.

After a few dishes being unloaded from the dishwasher Matthew thought, _"Screw it."_

"So, Papa, you're a big believer in love, but do you think it could ever be a phase?" Matthew played off his question as nonchalantly as he could feigning innocent curiosity.

Francis walked so he was standing near his son.

"I don't know what anyone may be telling you, but they are stuck in the past. Sexuality is never a phase. It's –"

"Papa I know. And no one is saying anything about that. Don't worry. I mean like little crushes. You know like could a small crush just be a short time thing?"

Francis hummed eyeing his son. "Honestly I hate to say it, but it could be if it was someone you didn't know and you just projected an idea you had of them onto them. But then it's not really liking them but rather the idea."

Matthew considered it. Gilbert did come up at an ideal moment. Maybe that makes him view his friend differently.

"But if you have to question the sincerity of your feelings this much I'd say they're probably true, and you're is just a little scared of them." Francis smiled at his son.

"I didn't – I don't." Matthew stuttered.

Francis laughed. "Oh, mon fils, of course I would notice. I know you too well."

Matthew huffed. Francis patted his shoulder affectionately.

"I personally think you should go for it."

Matthew wined, "Papa, I can't do that."

Francis raised an eyebrow at his son in question.

Matthew answered the silent question, "They like someone else and… well…"

Francis sighed leaning against the counter. He almost spoke, but then stopped himself. He chuckled to himself distantly.

"This would have been a great thing for your dad to talk to you about, you know. You and I are very different when it comes these things, but you're very similar to Arthur." Francis paused smiling to himself as he met Matthew's curious gaze.

"You both question things so much – big thinkers you two – but when it comes to things like this..." Francis dragged off then added, "worriers," with a shake of his head.

Matthew listened to Francis quietly wishing he was told something more about what he should do, but he couldn't ask because he didn't want to have to actually talk about Gilbert, or anything eluding to him.

Francis stood up preparing to leave.

Before leaving he made one last comment, "Matthieu, you really should forget roadblocks and just go for it. You're a great kid. Put yourself out there. I did it for your father and look at us now."

The corners of Matthew's mouth twitched at the last part.

He wasn't entirely sure what to do with everything. It was a lot to take in at once. He would have to contemplate on it a little longer. Everything was getting simple; now the world seemed to be turning differently forcing him to dwell in places he was unfamiliar with. Life was tilting again, and he wasn't quite sure how to handle all the new things.

Matthew sighed heading upstairs to his room, maybe to sketch a bit to get his head clear before heading to bed early. Right now, he just needed some time before anything could happen so he could properly internalize everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!
> 
> Translations (hopefully):
> 
> _Qu'est-ce que vous avez besoin, Papa?_ \- What do you need, Dad?
> 
> _Non, je vais à la maison de Gilbert aujourd'hui._ \- No, I'm going to Gilbert's house today.
> 
> _Non! Papa! Nous Sommes juste amis!_ \- No! Dad! We're just friends!
> 
> _Je ne sais pas où est Alfred._ \- I don't know where Alfred is.
> 
> _Il n'est pas si difficile quand vous étudiez._ \- It's not so difficult when you study.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew goes without a hoodie and Gilbert gets teased

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have officially bridged the gaps from chapters I wrote in early high school to chapters I wrote while in college. At this point I am totally opened to constructive critisism that could help with my writing, because although this is still old, it's pretty close to my current ability.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter.
> 
> Some scenes I'm really proud of appear in future chapters, and I'm excited to share it with ya'll who are new to my stuff.

Matthew awoke feeling groggy in the morning. He got really into drawing the night before and stayed up late to finish his drawing. He looked at his open sketchpad on the floor where he left it. The picture resembled one of those crazy abstract drawings with lines going everywhere. He remembered at one point in the night Alfred coming in – probably to ask about playing a game, but Matthew doesn't really remember too much of what people tell him when he is in another world drawing. He does remember Alfred's comment about the at the time half-finished work.

He called it a labyrinth. The comment caused Matthew to pause and really take a look at what he was drawing. "Huh I guess so," he mumbled to Alfred before his brother left him to his business. Matthew had the same thought this morning. It really did have a maze feel to it.

Matthew picked up the sketchbook flipping it shut and packing it away. He really needed a shower to wake himself up. Class was not about to wait for his brain to become functional.

He went through the beginnings of his morning routine in a sleepy haze. It wasn't until he was in the shower that he finally woke up and became aware of the world. He exited the shower awake and ready to face the day. Staying up late doing something he loved like drawing always left a curable tiredness that other sleepless nights did not leave behind for him in the morning.

Before he dressed, he took a look at his arm running his fingers over various markings of self-mutilation. None of the cuts had been opened recently, and were actually healing quite nicely for once. He just hadn't given in to the addiction much recently, and when he had it was always small things with the use of tools that made pain but didn't leave as big of a mark.

It wasn't that he didn't think about doing it. He thought about it every day, in a way missing, even craving, the feeling. He had a fear of being caught. Now that he was noticed, he would never be able to get away with doing it at school. Even at home, it seemed like he was being watched more carefully.

He wouldn't lie. When he was occupied, it was possible to just forget about it sometimes. It was as if sometimes little things could fill all the holes in him he needed the pain and blood to fill, but then other times he felt like it was when cartoon character plug holes in boats and others pop up until they run out of things to plug them with.

Matthew decided there was no need to wear bandages today. His arms were in a good condition and weren't going to bleed. Plus, having things wrapped around your arms got sweaty and irritating in warmer weather like the town had been experiencing that week.

Matthew took a quick look in the mirror, quickly glancing away.

He began to dress, but stopped abruptly. He didn't grab his hoodie. How could he not grab his hoodie? Matthew's breathe began to speed up. He wore it every day and it was always right there how did he not grab it?

He took a deep calming breathe. "Okay. Okay. Everything will be fine," he mumbled to himself buttoning up his plaid shirt.

"I'll just… I'll just…" He looked down at himself thinking. Then, undid the rolled up sleeves on his shirt and unrolled them until they touched his wrist.

He accessed what he had done in the mirror. It wasn't too bad. The shirt was one of those flannel button ups meant to be folded up to the elbows, but it still had a natural look this way. Hopefully, no one would question the choice of long sleeves.

Matthew inhaled deeply before sprinting as silently as he could from the bathroom to his room closing the door behind him.

His eyes widened. This couldn't be happened. Where the fuck was the hoodie? He began to through the few things in his clean room about hoping to find it. He always left it on the chair, but it wasn't there.

"Just stay calm. Just stay calm. No one will see anything. Your shirt covers it all," Matthew attempted to reassure himself with no success. The hoodie was more than just a cover-up. It offered comfort and made him more relaxed. He would have to go without the soft fabric to hide himself in, and it scared him.

He took a few breaths to calm himself. He reassured himself that he didn't actually need the hoodie. His sleeves covered his arms and were fitted. They wouldn't move and show anything. He would just have to get used to not wearing the extra weight of his hoodie and he could survive the day easily. He distracted himself by thinking about his schoolwork and his friends as he grabbed food from the kitchen and made his way to school.

* * *

Gilbert was one of the first people in his homeroom. He had been on a good schedule when it came to getting ready in the morning, and him and Ludwig hadn't had a late day in a while. He also skipped going to Matthew's locker today and went straight to homeroom. That night he dwelled a little too much on how much he liked his friend, and now he felt a bit awkward. He really needed to get a handle on his crush or make a move.

Elizaveta was surprised to see Gilbert beat her to homeroom. She greeted him as she sat down in her seat next to him.

Elizaveta asked, "So make any progress with Matthew?"

Gilbert shrugged, "Uh. Not really." Elizaveta peered at Gilbert. He felt her gaze and knew she must have seen a tell.

Elizaveta teased, "I don't believe you. Something's new."

Gilbert sighed, "Well, obviously I have a huge crush on him and it's getting worse."

Elizaveta rolled her eyes and waved her hand for him to continue questioning, "And?"

"I think he is going to tutor me in French. My opa asked him to, and Mattie is into it," Gilbert said while nervously scratching his face.

Elizaveta beamed, "That's great! If you're going to woo him, you need to spend more alone time with him. You can't make any big moves when the whole group is together," she paused and looked at him, "You're acting like that's not a good thing."

"One: I am not good at French and you can't woo someone by being unawesome at something."

Elizaveta cut Gilbert off before he could continue, "You just need some extra help, and Matthew already knows that. He isn't expecting you to be good at it. What else?"

Gilbert rubbed a hand on his face that was showing the beginnings of a blush. "It'll be awkward."

Elizaveta made a face and sighed loudly. It was like pulling teeth for her to get Gilbert to open up about his crush. She was pretty sure Gilbert thought actually showing his feelings like this was unawesome or something. She harassed Gilbert to continue.

Gilbert made an annoyed face before exasperating, "It's attractive when he speaks French okay?"

Elizaveta failed to stifle her laugh. Gilbert put his red face in his hands and groaned, "I am such a mess right now."

Elizaveta chuckled, "Sorry. Sorry! I should be supportive. It's just hilarious Gil. Please tell me it's just a small thing, or are you going to be turned on the entire tutoring session?" Gilbert glared at her as she broke into laughter again.

"I hate you."

"No you don't."

Gilbert sighed, "I don't know what to do."

"You do need a tutor, Gil, and you hang around him all the time. You're just psyching yourself out."

Gilbert agreed, "I guess so."

Elizaveta grinned, "And besides, maybe you won't be able to help but make a move on him with him speaking French the whole time."

She laughed as Gilbert smacked her on the arm.

* * *

Gilbert sat in his seat and started getting ready for his second period class. He decided he would try to pay better attention today and began to take out a notebook. While Gilbert was digging through his bag, Matthew walked in and sat down in his seat.

"Hey, Gil."

"Hey," Gilbert looked up to greet his friend, "Birdie."

Gilbert swallowed. Matthew wasn't wearing his hoodie. Gilbert hadn't realized until this moment that he never saw Matthew without his hoodie. _"Birdie looks good,"_ Gilbert couldn't help but think. Matthew was wearing a red flannel shirt that hugged against his body, showing off the lean muscles underneath. Gilbert had an idea that Matthew was fit – he sure thought about it enough – but actually being able to see him in a fitted shirt was different. His usually hoodie made him look rather thin, but without the extra fabric one could tell that Matthew was just lean.

Matthew noticed Gilbert giving him a weird look.

"Everything okay, Gil?" Matthew asked. Gilbert realized he must have been staring.

"Yep. I'm awesome. Nice shirt, Birdie." Matthew smiled at the compliment. He had felt weird not wearing his hoodie, but the compliment made him feel a little better. Maybe he could go without his hoodie on warmer days. The late bell rang, but Matthew still leaned over to Gilbert to whisper a thanks.

Gilbert didn't take good notes like he planned to. He thought about the look Matthew had when he complimented his shirt. Maybe making a move won't be that hard. Liz was right. I just have to stop overthinking it. Now that he forgot all the reasons he had to be nervous and hesitant about wooing Matthew, Gilbert wanted to plan his next move. He did not get much planning done, because he kept sneaking glances at Matthew. He couldn't not check Mattie out. Who knew when Mattie would go without his hoodie again?

* * *

Alfred rushed down the hall towards his third period class. He wanted to talk to Mattie. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say, but Gilbert felt like bad news. If anyone was peer pressuring Mattie or convincing him to drugs, it was Gilbert. Alfred wanted his brother to have to have friends, but some of them were probably bad news. Plus, Alfred never liked Gilbert. The kid was too cocky.

Alfred stopped abruptly a few doors down from his classroom. Matthew and Gilbert were walking towards the door talking. Alfred tilted his head as he took in the scene. That was strange. He was pretty sure Gilbert didn't even have a class down this way. Even good friends usually don't walk out of their way just to take their friend to class. Doing so would make them late.

Gilbert told Matthew he would see him at lunch. Matthew waved him goodbye and turned to walk in as Gilbert patted him on the back. Alfred watched as Gilbert stared at Matthew's retreating form for a moment. Alfred narrowed his eyes. Now that was not normal. He was pretty sure Gilbert was sizing Matthew up. Alfred was not about to let whatever nefarious thing Gilbert was planning go down.

Matthew was startled by his brother as Alfred slid in the seat next to him.

Alfred beamed, "Hey, Mattie how's it going?"

Matthew gave Alfred an inquisitive look before stating, "I'm doing well. How're you?"

Alfred answered, "Pretty good, little bro," Matthew made a face at being called little bro, "So I saw Gilbert walking you here. What's up with that?"

Matthew gave Alfred an inquisitive look. "We have a class together before this."

"But I don't think he has a class down this way."

Matthew thought about this. Gilbert's class was in the other direction, and he did go out of his way to walk Matthew here each day. He hoped Gilbert didn't feel obligated to or anything. Matthew shrugged off the pang of guilt he felt, Gilbert would not do something he did not want to do.

"We just like to talk after class, and I'm pretty sure Gil wanted to put off going to his third period anyways," Matthew said casually.

Alfred's eyebrows twitched at Matthew's nickname for Gilbert, but he schooled his face quickly. He tried to be casual as he continued to speak.

"I don't know about that Gilbert guy. He seems like bad news." Matthew rolled his eyes. Alfred was a little shocked by the response.

"You just say that because he is one of the only people who can challenge your ego," Matthew joked with a grin.

"I don't know Mattie. I hear he goes crazy on booze and drugs." It technically was true. There were rumors about Gilbert being a partier and a few drunken stories. Alfred was just exaggerating a bit to drive the point home.

"Al, I hang out with him all the time. I'm pretty sure that isn't true. Besides, you've drank at parties and hang out with people who smoke sometimes."

"I just don't want him being a bad influence or pressure you or something. I saw the way he looks at you."

Matthew furrowed his brow. "How does he look at me?"

Alfred leaned close to Matthew with wide eyes. "Intensely."

Matthew pushed his brother away smiling. "Be serious, bro."

Alfred protested, "I am being serious! I think he might have nefarious plans. He just acts weird and looks at you weird. I'm looking out for you. He is bad news."

Matthew sighed, "Al, he is a good friend. It's nice of you to look out for me and stuff, but you don't have to. You're just not used to me having close friends."

Alfred pursed his lips and gave his brother a serious look. This isn't the way he wanted this conversation to go and he wasn't liking how it turned.

The bell rang.

Matthew spoke up, "Go to your seat, Al."

Alfred looked at his brother for another moment.

"Alright, bro."

* * *

Matthew and Gilbert walked through the lunch line together idly chatting. Roderich and Elizaveta walked by carrying their lunches.

Matthew greeted, "Hey, Roderich."

Gilbert turned and saw them, "Oh, hey, specs."

Roderich told both of them hi as Elizaveta grinned.

She looked at Gilbert exclaiming, "Bonjour!"

Gilbert seethed, "Fuck you!"

Elizaveta walked away laughing while dragging a confused Roderich with her.

Matthew questioned, "What was that about?"

"Nothing." Gilbert answered too quickly.

"Did something happen this morning? I mean, the bickering is normal, but you seemed really annoyed for her just showing up."

"Uh. A little bit yeah. We were debating about something and the bell cut us off. Just picking up where we left off you know," Gilbert successfully lied. Matthew felt like he would never completely understand their relationship. Sometimes their bickering reminding him of him and Al, sometimes a married couple, and other times he thought it could be sexual tension. It just made sense for people to be attracted to Gilbert

Soon the two joined the rest of the group at their usual table and quickly joined into separate conversations. Feliciano dragged Matthew into his conversation with Ludwig about a concept they learned in their art class. Gilbert and Antonio were having a conversation with Lovino adding his thoughts. Roderich was half listening to the conversations happening around him as he caught up on some reading for his English class. Elizaveta was jumping from conversation to conversation while observing some of her friends.

Gilbert kept glancing at Matthew. When they walked to third period together, he realized Matthew was wearing a really great pair of skinny jeans. Now, he looked freaking adorable while enthusing about some art project. Matthew was talking with hands as he tried to describe a painting his teacher showed them and what it meant. Gilbert forgot about his conversation with Antonio and watched Matthew gesture and how his shirt hugged his chest.

Ludwig couldn't quite keep up with Feliciano's and Matthew's conversation anymore. They were using a few too many technical art terms and talking too fast. Ludwig looked across from him at Gilbert. He saw Gilbert glancing at Matthew every so often and then pausing to stare for a short while. Gilbert had a soft smile on his face as he watched Matthew talk. Ludwig rose his eyebrows.

Elizaveta leaned forward so that she could make eye contact with Gilbert who was looking at Matthew between them. She met his eyes and made a pointed look at Matthew. Gilbert scowled and turned to talk to his brother. He noticed Ludwig was facing him.

"Can't keep up with Feli, baby bro?" Gilbert teased.

Ludwig was about to sass his brother back when Feliciano joined their conversation.

"Ve. Is something wrong?" Feliciano asked.

Gilbert, Ludwig, and Feliciano began to bicker among themselves. While they were talking, Elizaveta turned to Matthew.

"You look nice today," she said.

"T-Thanks," Matthew stuttered.

"I think the shirt fits you well. You should wear stuff like that more often." She quickly glanced to Gilbert and then back to Matthew. Matthew looked down at himself.

"I didn't notice it changed much about me, but, uh, I guess I could?" He wasn't sure what to say.

Gilbert glanced back to Matthew to see Elizaveta talking to him. He wasn't sure how much he like that. She seemed to be in a meddling mood today, and, although he wanted her advice with Matthew, he didn't trust her to make any moves.

Soon the whole group was engaging in conversation again, even Roderich who put his book down. During the commotion Elizaveta met Gilbert's eyes and again made a pointed look at Matthew. Gilbert shook his head. Making a move was all about timing. It was like a military decision and should be planned tactically. He didn't want to do it now, even if Elizaveta was getting impatient.

Elizaveta was getting annoyed with Gilbert. He was so obvious with his feelings, but Matthew had no idea. Anyone who knew Gilbert well would figure it out soon enough. She didn't get why he was so hesitant. He's overly confident about everything else. She tried to catch his gaze again, but Gilbert was purposely avoiding her eyes. Oh, now she had it.

Antonio was speaking loudly in Spanish to Lovino who looked annoyed.

Elizaveta smiled, "Toni, it's so cool you speak Spanish."

Lovino rolled his eyes, "If only it were Italian." Antonio pouted while Feliciano giggled beside him. Lovino and Feliciano began to speak in Italian to each other.

Antonio pouted and mumbled, "Español es sólo tan buena como la italiana."

Elizaveta turned to Matthew, "Don't you speak another language?" Gilbert turned to shoot Elizaveta a glare. He should have known better than to tell her anything ever. Roderich narrowed his eyes at Elizaveta knowing that she has been up to something lately and that this is just a part of it.

Matthew grinned at her, "Oui. Je parle français." He continued in French to tell her that he was tutoring Gilbert.

Elizaveta said, "Gilbert, isn't that cool," at the same time Feliciano grabbed Matthew's attention by asking about the language.

Gilbert was red faced and annoyingly muttered, "Mein Gott," glad that Matthew was distracted. It gave him a moment to hide his annoyance. He would try to find a way to get back at her. See if he gave her any more details about his crush. He turned back to his food and made eye contact with his brother across the table. Ludwig had watched the entire exchange.

"Buder?" Ludwig asked referring to everything that just went down. Gilbert waved him off.

"It's nothing."

Gilbert pulled out his phone to text Elizaveta. He needed to tell her to back off and to stop with the teasing before Matthew got the wrong idea.

_Stop messing with me and chill the fuck out. Youre making things weird and see if I keep telling you shit when you act like this._

Gilbert added a few angry emojis to drive the point home before sending it. Matthew saw Gilbert texting and remembered he wanted to tell everyone something today.

"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot. Guys you really need to lay off on all the group texting stuff. My phone can't take it and keeps messing them up and getting them as individual messages or I think mixing the groups or maybe its dropping messages… I don't know but my phone doesn't like it."

Ludwig spoke up, "Maybe your phone is too old. Can I see it?"

"Sure." Matthew handed Ludwig his phone.

Roderich spoke up, "Matthew has a point though. How many different group messages do we need? We have one for like every combination of people but they all say the same thing."

Gilbert pounded his hands on the table. "Hey! Group messages are fun and awesome. You're just lame."

They broke into chatter about the messages until the end of the bell ring. Ludwig pulled Matthew aside to give him back his phone.

Ludwig explained, "I think it just messes up because you have an older model. There isn't much you can do."

Matthew smiled, "Thanks." Ludwig patted Matthew on the shoulder and walked out with Feliciano after saying bye.

Matthew turned around to pick up his trash, but it was gone. Gilbert had grabbed it for him and walked across the cafeteria to recycle like Matthew usually does. _'And Alfred tried to say he was a bad guy,'_ Matthew thought. He leaned against the table with a smile. When Gilbert came back, Matthew thanked him.

"No problem, Birdie," Gilbert said with a grin wrapping his usual arm around Matthew's shoulder so they could walk out together. Gilbert's phone buzzed in his pocket with a message from Elizaveta.

_Sorry :(_

Matthew saw the message and joked, "Trouble in paradise?"

Gilbert took the chance to flirt as he pocketed his phone. Gilbert smirked. "There can't be trouble in paradise when I'm having such a great time with you." Gilbert squeezed Matthew closer for a moment.

Matthew laughed, but his mind went crazy. He thought he could pry more into the Gilbert-Elizaveta thing, but Gilbert threw a wrench in that plan. He was blushing like crazy. He both loved and hated when Gilbert flirted with him like this. He had a crush on Gilbert and loved all the attention and little compliments, but he didn't know how to respond. He also didn't want to get his hopes up. Gilbert joked around with his friends all the time, and Matthew didn't want to get the idea in his head that Gilbert could like him. Despite that, Matthew had a feeling his crush was getting worse the more Gilbert flirted.

Gilbert beamed as Matthew blushed and muttered, "You're so cute, Birdie," as he removed his arm from Matthew's shoulders.

As they exited the cafeteria, Matthew spoke up, "Did you want to go to my house after school? We can hang for a while and maybe start looking at some French stuff if you want."

"I am definitely into hanging and we'll see about the French."

They both made plans to meet by Matthew's locker and walk to his house after school before going their separate ways.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which friends hang out and Alfred has a chat with Gilbert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self-injury, depression

At the final bell, everyone moved into the halls to pack up. Ludwig left his last class to find Gilbert. His brother was by his locker quickly packing a few spirals.

Ludwig greeted, "Hey, bruder."

"Hey, West."

"Are you going to need a ride home today?"

"Nah, I'm going to Mattie's."

Ludwig grunted. "Is that a thing?"

"Is what a thing?" Gilbert asked. Ludwig just raised an eyebrow. Gilbert shook his head. He couldn't hide much around his brother. If anyone could read Gilbert and his inner thoughts, it was his brother.

Gilbert decided to avoid a straight answer. "Elizaveta is trying to mettle a little too much."

Ludwig let out an amused breath. "When is she not?"

Gilbert laughed, "That's true. I'm trying to get her off my back a little bit though."

"I'd help more, but that means she isn't bugging me if she is on your case," Ludwig said with a shrug.

Gilbert pushed his brother jokingly. "Maybe she should. You're not making any moves."

Ludwig pushed away Gilbert's prodding for a while before they went their separate ways – Ludwig to the car and Gilbert to Matthew's locker. Gilbert was excited to go to Matthew's place. They'd been hanging out for almost a month by this point and don't spend much time there. The main reason is because the entire group of friends usually goes somewhere, but Matthew also finds Francis embarrassing and felt awkward bringing Gil around Arthur again.

Last time Gilbert was over, Matthew realized he had no reason to worry about Arthur. His dad let them alone mostly, only stopping to make small talk with the boys. Arthur was a man who valued privacy and allowed for his sons to have a fair amount of it. Matthew should have spent more time worrying about Francis. The French man spent way too much time teasing Matthew, sometimes in French right in front of Gilbert. Despite Matthew's embarrassment, Gilbert mostly found Matthew's parents amusing and he enjoyed spending time in Matthew's space.

Gilbert walked slowly up to Matthew taking a moment to take his friend's appearance in. Gilbert snuck up behind him and rubbed his head greeting, "Hey, Birdie!"

Matthew pushed his friend off with a smile protesting, "Gil!" He began to try to fix his hair as Gilbert laughed.

"So, Birdie, you ready to go?"

"I was almost ready when you attacked me."

"It was not an attack. It was a surprise."

"Whatever," Matthew smiled as he closed his locker and shouldered his backpack, "Let's head out."

* * *

Alfred told his friend's he'd meet up with them later. The way his conversation with Matthew back during third period turned out earlier still didn't sit with him well. He wanted to help his brother and thought Matthew may have felt insulted. Sometimes when he talked to his brother, it was like his words went through a word scrambler first, and his true intension got masked, causing his brother to misunderstand. Matthew just needed to open his eyes and see how bad Gilbert could be. If Matthew needed other people, he could always hang out with Alfred's friends.

Alfred planned to go home and, hopefully, get the chance to talk to his brother there. Maybe they could chill in the game room, have some bro bonding, and Matthew would open up a little more. Alfred was missing something and just needed to figure out what Gilbert and his cronies were planning. He was afraid it would be like one of those teen movies where they pretend to be the shy kid's friend only to pull some prank. That or drugs.

Alfred was trying to think of what he would say to Matthew as he walked into the house. Before reaching the stairs, he stopped. Gilbert was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a coke.

"Gilbert," Alfred stated more than greeted.

"Alfred." Both the teens had not got along much at school, so their tense greeting was normal.

Alfred pulled out a chair next to Gilbert. He turned it fast so that the back was facing Gilbert and straddled it. He crossed his arms over the back and stared at Gilbert.

"Let's cut to the chase. What are you doing with Matthew?"

The question surprised Gilbert. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I am talking about. What are you doing with him?"

Gilbert put his hands up defensively. "Dude, chill. We hang out."

Alfred responded sarcastically, "yeah, right."

"I guess I am making him more awesome with my presence."

Alfred raised an eyebrow. "Nice joke there. But I want you to back off."

"Are you really policing who your brother is friends with?" Gilbert let out a disbelieving huff.

"If I was policing, you would know, because you wouldn't be here right now," Alfred deadpanned, "I'm not going to stop Matthew from having a friend, but I am not about to let anyone hurt him." Alfred decided after his earlier conversation with Matthew that he couldn't force his brother to do anything he didn't want. He could just advise and try to push everyone in the right direction.

Gilbert thought Alfred was being a little ridiculous. "I am not hurting your brother."

Alfred's mouth twitched. "You sure hurt him a few weekends ago when you stood him up." Gilbert's face dropped. Alfred continued, "Yeah, I did the math and figured out it was you. Mattie was really devastated."

Alfred knew it was a low blow, but he needed to threaten Gilbert since he couldn't convince Matthew to stop hanging out with him. Gilbert was about to speak up and defend himself, but Alfred raised up a hand and continued talking before Gilbert could respond.

"I've always protected Mattie, and I am not about to stop. He doesn't like me meddling a whole lot, but I will if I have to. You hurt my bro even a little bit, you're done. If I even get the idea that you made him feel even a little bit like he did that weekend, I'll come after you. I can't force him to stop hanging out with you because for some godly reason he can't see how you're a bad influence, but I will butt in the moment I find proof something is up."

Gilbert was shocked by what Alfred said.

"You know I like your brother right?" Gilbert realized that didn't sound quite right and corrected, "He's a good friend. I don't plan on doing anything."

"Yeah, well, he's shy, and I'm not about to let anyone take advantage of him."

"Dude, I'm not doing anything."

Alfred narrowed his eyes and sat back so that his hands were on the back of the chair. "We'll see." He started to get up as Matthew came down the stairs.

Matthew paused at the entrance to the kitchen. Alfred was getting up from a chair, and Gilbert had a thoughtful look on his face. Matthew knew the two didn't get along too well. Before he started hanging out with Gilbert, he did not know it was a thing, but some of their friends made a few jokes about it since they knew Alfred was Matthew's brother. Apparently, their personalities clashed in a few classes they've had together over the years.

"What's up, guys?"

Alfred grinned, "Nothing, just chatting."

Matthew looked like he didn't believe Alfred. "Uh-huh."

"I was going to talk to you about that thing we were talking about earlier. I felt like it came off wrong, but you have a friend over so I guess it can wait."

Matthew gave his brother a small smile, glad that Alfred was actually thinking about what he said. "Okay, Al."

Alfred made a motion that he was going to leave, but Matthew stopped him.

"Wait, Al. Have you seen my hoodie? I didn't see it this morning, and still can't find it." Alfred could tell his brother was stressing.

He responded, "No, but I'll keep my eyes open. We can ask dad later, but you can check my room in case he put it in my closet on accident."

"Thanks, Al."

"No problem. I'm heading out. See you later, bro," he gave Matthew a brofist and nodded to Gilbert, "Gilbert." Alfred tried to make his eyes look threatening as he looked at Gilbert. He then left to go see some of this friends.

Matthew grabbed a drink and sat down next to Gilbert in the chair Alfred occupied a few minutes before.

"Was he harassing you?" Matthew asked. Gilbert thought a moment about his answer. Alfred did straight up threaten him, but he also gave Gilbert a tidbit of information he didn't have before. He must have really hurt Matthew the weekend he got grounded and couldn't come over. He had no idea it was bad at all. He expected Matthew to maybe be a little pissed at him, but Alfred used the phrase devastated. Gilbert really needed to reevaluate how he thought about Matthew's feelings. Matthew was different than him and could be a little unpredictable according to Gilbert.

Gilbert answered, "A little bit, but nothing the awesome me couldn't handle."

"I wish you guys could just get along."

"We don't _not_ get along. Besides you're like his Ludwig." It was true when Gilbert thought about it. He tried not to let Alfred's words about being a bad influence get to him by reminding himself that to Alfred Matthew was Ludwig. He just was a smaller, shier and slightly more vulnerable Ludwig. Gilbert could understand wanting to help a brother. Everyone wants to protect people they care strongly about. He still found Alfred annoying though.

Matthew was glad Gilbert could understand how Alfred could be a little protective. He also felt like the way Gilbert was reacting meant that Alfred did not go overboard and just did his normal hero routine. Alfred's typical hero routine was almost humorous considering how exaggerated he could be.

They decided to actually begin to go over some of the French for an hour or two before Gilbert had to go. Matthew and Gilbert flipped through the book talking about various concepts so that Matthew could see what Gilbert knew. After about an hour, they stopped.

Matthew told Gilbert, "Now that I know where you're at, we can start doing some actual tutoring."

"We can pick it up another day. I need to leave soon."

"Oh," Matthew tried to hide his disappointment, "We can do it again tomorrow or something."

"I'll text you about it," Gilbert said while packing his things.

"Are you leaving now?"

Gilbert shrugged, "I'm walking so might as well start heading out before it's too late."

"O-oh."

Gilbert gave Matthew a grin, "Aww, Birdie. Don't worry. You'll get to see the awesome me tomorrow." He messed up Matthew's hair while he talked. Matthew blushed at the contact.

They said their goodbyes, and Matthew soon found himself in an empty house.

Matthew was mostly done with his homework for the night when his phone buzzed… again. He still hadn't fixed the group text problem. Everyone said they would only use it for making plans, but that promise didn't last a full day. His friends were too excited and talkative. They couldn't not take the chance to make a pun or send a random text about something they found funny. Matthew tried to be a part of the conversation when his phone first started going off, but now he could tell he wasn't getting some of the messages.

His checked his phone. It was a message from Antonio to the everyone group chat. It was just a ton of crying with laughter emojis. Matthew had no idea what the joke was. He sat back and groaned in frustration. The only thing worse than being left out was when it was so blatantly in your face, especially when you weren't missed.

He wished they would just make a group that didn't include him. Then, he wouldn't have to constantly know that they were all doing well without him. He thought about texting them to ask that, but he hated the idea of putting that attention on himself. It felt like that would be just trying to make everyone pay attention to him. A voice in his head called him an attention whore just for considering complaining about the group text again. Besides, if his friends talked in a group without him, they would probably forget to tell him anything, and then he wouldn't understand conversations at lunch or would not know about get-togethers. They would just start hanging out without him, and soon it would be like having no friends at all. He glanced at his phone. Technically, that could be happening already. They did seem to have fun without him there. Maybe he was holding them back.

His mind kept racing. He scratched his bare arm unconsciously. He still hadn't found his hoodie, but he also didn't ask his parents about it yet. He decided to wear a t-shirt tonight and to let his arms air out, something he rarely got the chance to do with the way his family just barged into rooms.

He looked down at his arms to look at the scars. Some were faded and almost completely healed; some remained. His scratching had opened up one cut and a small dot of blood appeared. Matthew stared at it and bit his lip. He needed more. If there were more, he'd feel a bit better. It could distract him from the fact that his friends could be fine without him. They didn't need him. Right now, he needed release. He clenched his fist. He really shouldn't do it – he took a deep breath – but he really needed it.

He walked to his desk and opened his drawer to grab his black box. Just doing a few lines wouldn't hurt. Then, he'd be better and could concentrate. He deserved it anyways. He took out his blade with shaky hands and slid it over his arm slowly. He let out a relieved breath and tilted his head back. It was good. He did it once more and then again. After the three cuts, he put the razor blade back in the box and went to his desk to grab a tissue to cover the bleeding.

He sat on his bed silently holding some tissues to his arm. A tear fell town his face. Guilt engulfed him. He was supposed to be trying to stop. He did it again. How could he be so weak?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gilbert gets tutored

A few days passed, and Gilbert and Matthew were walking towards Matthew's house after school. It was Thursday, and Matthew wanted to start tutoring before the weekend. He also decided his house was best because Gilbert was less likely to be distracted by Gilbird. Plus, Matthew felt like he had a little more authority in his own home. He hoped none of his family would be around to harass him.

Throughout the week, Alfred hadn't bought up Gilbert to Matthew again. Matthew was glad. He didn't like Alfred telling him who to hang out with or that someone he thought of as a friend could have ulterior motives. Hearing those things made him more paranoid than he already was. Matthew did not expect Alfred to just give up though. Once the American got a mission in his head, he stuck with it. Matthew studied Gilbert. He didn't mention Alfred saying anything to him, so Matthew could only think that Alfred actually backed off.

Once they made it inside and each grabbed a drink, they headed upstairs to Matthew's room. Matthew explained that it was better than the kitchen table because then they wouldn't get distracted if anyone came home, and they could actually get some work done. There weren't any chairs in Matthew's room besides his one desk chair. He didn't entertain people often in here and never had a need for beanbags or anything like that before.

"You can pull up the chair if you want, or we can both sit in the bed," Matthew shrugged while plopping down on the bed and dragging his backpack into his lap to find his French textbook and notebook.

Gilbert stood for a moment questioning which to choose. The chair was less practical since they'd be looking at the same pages and passing papers back and forth, but the bed made the situation feel intimate. He could hear Elizaveta's teasing in his head and see the knowing look of his brother. He shook off any awkward feelings. He was too awesome for nerves.

Gilbert sat down on the bed next to Matthew grabbing his own textbook and notebook. He didn't have many notes, but Matthew said earlier that maybe he could show Gilbert how to take better language notes.

Matthew began, "Okay, so we start unit four next week. We should go over old stuff now, and maybe try to start on the next chapter," Matthew paused grabbing some blank paper to write on, "We can use the new vocab while reviewing old grammar stuff."

Gilbert looked at the work they had ahead of them and was a bit overwhelmed. He rubbed the back of his neck before muttering, "Ja."

Matthew smiled at him. "It sounds a lot worse than it is."

Gilbert looked at Matthew and smirked, "True. It can't be that bad if I get to spend time in bed with you." Matthew flushed immediately.

"Just give me your notebook, so I can see what I'm working with." Matthew usually ignored when Gilbert said anything too flirtatious. He never knew how to respond.

"Yes, sir," Gilbert said sarcastically while holding back a comment about Matthew working with his five meters.

They went back and forth for about an hour with Matthew explaining grammar from the book, showing Gilbert better ways of organizing verb notes, and having Gilbert do some written work. The two were sitting next to each other and leaning against the wall while Gilbert did one of the written book section.

Matthew watched Gilbert intently as the albino chewed the back of his pen in thought. He couldn't help but think about how attractive Gilbert's features were. Matthew became hyper-aware of how little space was between them. Their outstretched legs were faintly touching. Until recently, he never was this close to people in general, and now he was sitting close to someone he even liked. The situation overwhelmed him at times. Matthew tugged the sleeves of his hoodie nervously.

He was able to get his hoodie back the day before. He had about gone mad without the security it gave him. He wasn't sure if he successfully masked his panic when he asked Arthur if he'd seen the hoodie at all. His dad gave him a concerned looked as Matthew sped through the sentence, "I can't find it anywhere."

Arthur had given his son a small smile and said that it was being washed with the reds. He explained that because Matthew wore it so often it needed to be washed periodically, and he couldn't remember the last time he washed it at all. When Arthur had been grabbing some of the clothes from Alfred's room, he saw Matthew's hoodie on the desk chair and added it to the laundry basket. Matthew had given his dad a hug and said thanks. Arthur put the hoodie back on the chair once the laundry was done. Matthew couldn't believe that he didn't to check the laundry room.

Gilbert shook Matthew out of his thoughts. "Birdie?"

"Yeah?"

Gilbert moved the textbook and paper he had been writing on to Matthew lap. "Check it for me."

Matthew started reading over the book muttering the French words out loud while checking the questions and marking a few things down. Gilbert watched intently while subconsciously moving closer so that they were completely flush side to side. He enjoyed watching Matthew work.

After Matthew explained what Gilbert got wrong and why, he decided it was time for a change of pace. "I think we should work on oral."

Gilbert stared at his friend. Now _that _was a phrase he would be remembering. A grin slowly crept onto his face. Matthew realized what he said and blushed. Before Gilbert could make a flirtatious comment, Matthew continued by quickly explaining how much of each test consisted of listen and how much the spoken project effected the grade.

"If you want to bring your grade up, you need to do well on the spoken project at least."

Gilbert nodded, and they dove into working again. This part of their tutoring session didn't go as smoothly as the first part. Gilbert kept getting distracted listening to Matthew talk in French. He stopped focusing on the words being said and instead on the lips forming those words. He never thought he'd want to force Matthew to stop speaking, but once the idea of silencing Matthew's French with a kiss entered his mind, he couldn't get rid of it.

Matthew was surprised at what Gilbert had trouble with. He was doing fine speaking. It took a moment for him to find the right words, and his accent wasn't right, but that was about the level most people were in this kind of class. The problem was with listening. Even when Matthew was using similar sentence structure and vocabulary that Gilbert used, the teen would still have trouble figuring it out. Matthew knew Gilbert had to be trying hard because he was looking at Matthew so intensely while listening.

Matthew decided to use some of the passages from the questions Gilbert answered earlier to help. He bent his knees slightly so he could rest to book on his legs as he looked for a passage to read. Gilbert waited and licked his lips. His mouth had gotten dry in the past few minutes.

Matthew looked cute curled up in his hoodie. Gilbert fought the urge to cuddle up against him. He thought that might be too forward seeing how shy Matthew usually was. They worked a little longer before Gilbert decided he needed a break. He felt like he had stopped improving and wanted to look over some of the vocab for a while.

Gilbert casually started conversation, not really wanting to continue studying. "Hey, Birdie, don't you get hot like that?" Gilbert asked. Personally, he had felt hot for a while, but it may not have been the room itself.

Matthew played with the hem of his hoodie. "What do you mean?"

"You know the hoodie? Doesn't it get hot?"

Matthew thought about how he was sweating slightly with it on, about the days he wore it when it was much too hot. He thought about how it shielded his arms from prying eyes and the cut from the night before that was hidden under the sleeve. He thought about the comfort it gave him.

"Sometimes. It's worth the comfort I guess," Matthew replied quietly but still above a whisper.

Gilbert leaned closer and rubbed his hand against the hood that was resting against the back of Matthew's neck. He thought for a moment before saying, "It is soft."

Matthew turned slightly more to face Gilbert causing his bent knees to rest on his friend's. Matthew muttered, "Yeah, it is."

Gilbert gave him a soft smile before responding in the same tone, "One day you gotta let me try it on for a while, ja? But when it gets colder. I couldn't wear it like you when its warm."

Matthew mirrored the expression on Gilbert's face and muttered, "It is a little hot."

There was a pause. Gilbert's eyes darted across Matthew's face after realizing how close he was. He took the moment to drink in all of his friend's features close up. He licked his lips quickly, his mouth still dry. Matthew saw the movement as he observed Gilbert's face. He leaned in slightly and Gilbert followed. As they moved, Gilbert shifted his outer arm to rest on Matthew's.

Matthew felt his hoodie press into his arm and the slight sting that came with it. He backed away and shifted himself so that he was leaning against the wall again. Gilbert shifted away too, following the movement naturally. Gilbert grabbed the French book and began muttering some of the vocab to himself as if practicing. He wanted to hide any awkwardness about what just happened.

Matthew mentally berated himself. He can't believe he almost did that and to his _best friend_. He couldn't run Gilbert off with his feelings. Matthew rubbed his arm. Even if him coming onto Gilbert didn't chase him away, Matthew had a lot of baggage to carry.

They didn't get much more work done after that and decided to play a few courses in MarioKart before Gilbert had to leave for the night. They both acted as if the moment on the bed did not happen, but they definitely did not forget it.

* * *

The weekend past quickly. Gilbert was proud of how awesome he was. He was successfully able to avoid Elizaveta's questioning about the tutoring throughout the weekend and all day Monday. She wouldn't bring up his mission to woo Matthew if Matthew was around, so Gilbert stuck close to him when the whole group hung out over the weekend. He could only avoid his friend for so long though. There was no way could avoid her questioning in homeroom.

Once she sat down, Elizaveta demanded, "Tell me how the tutoring went."

"Pretty good. The awesome me could easily pass a test on the old units." Gilbert knew this wasn't what she was asking, but the albino wanted an excuse to brag about how well he was doing.

"Come on, Gil! I want details." Gilbert decided he'd tell her since he did want her opinion on something, and there wasn't a lot of other people he could ask. He considered asking what Antonio thought, but decided against it.

"I can't tell if he's into me or not actually," Gilbert stated.

Elizaveta was thoughtful. "Why's that?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I think we have this connection and are totally hitting it off and other times not as much," Gilbert leaned forward as he continued, "Like I totally thought he was going to make a move on me at one point." Elizaveta gleamed and Gilbert waved her off before continuing, "but he backed off right away. I think it might just be in my head, you know? Like maybe I want him to do that so I'm projecting or something?"

Elizaveta hummed to herself as she mulled over what Gilbert said.

She said, "That could be it, but I don't really think so." She thought back to all the times everyone hung out and all the lunches. Matthew was always flushed around Gilbert and stuck to him in a way that he didn't do to anyone else. The Canadian at least found Gilbert attractive. She wasn't really sure what was holding the two of them back, but someone needed a little push.

They were interrupted by another person coming over to talk to them. Elizaveta smiled at what was said. Gilbert grabbed his phone and shot out a message to the group text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew gets invited to a party

Matthew got to lunch late. He had to talk to a teacher after class about a worksheet he didn't get. When he got to lunch, he sat down in his usual seat next to Gilbert. The albino was talking animatedly to Antonio. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits.

"Matthew," Ludwig's deep voice spoke up to get the Canadian's attention before continuing, "You still do not get group texts, right?"

"Yeah."

"There's a party this weekend. You can come if you want."

"A party?" Matthew hadn't gone to any actual parties since he's been in high school. Alfred tried to take him once before, but he refused. The idea of not having someone to hang out with stopped him.

"Ja. We know some people at the high school on the other side of the neighborhood that are having it." Matthew did know of that high school. A lot of the kids he played hockey with went there, which was why he could never really hang out with them. They usually stuck together anyways, and their inside jokes from school made him feel a little left out.

At that point Antonio cut in, "You are going to come with us, sí?"

Matthew answered honestly, "I don't know."

"It will be a lot of fun!" Antonio tried to convince him.

"I don't know if my parents will let me." Antonio frowned at the response.

Ludwig spoke up, "It shouldn't be anything crazy. Sounds like a small house party."

Gilbert butted in, "Tell them Ludwig is going. That usually helps."

Matthew said he'd think about it. Knowing Ludwig was going made him feel a little better. He knew all the rumors about Gilbert being an intense partier. Gilbert even referenced it once or twice. Matthew didn't know if he really wanted to do anything crazy. Ludwig disapproved of some of the stuff Gilbert did, so if him and Feliciano were going, it couldn't be too bad.

Matthew muttered, "I've never been to a party before." He wanted to already hint to his friends that he might chicken out.

Lovino said, "It's not that special. Just more bastards than usual hanging out and being loud."

"Lovi, they are not bastards. They are friends," Antonio claimed.

Lovino rolled his eyes, "You have too many friends, tomato bastard."

Elizaveta turned to Matthew. "You really should come. It'll be fun. You can wear that plaid shirt you wore last week, and we'll pick you up. And I'm sure Gilbert will look out for you all night."

Gilbert threw an arm around Matthew's shoulders and pulled him close while exclaiming, "Ain't no one going to mess with my Birdie."

Matthew laughed. "I'll ask, but no promises. My parents can be strict sometimes."

Gilbert texted more of the details straight to Matthew's phone while apologizing for not doing it earlier. Matthew really hoped his dad would say yes or that his papa could convince his dad to let him go.

Matthew kept putting off asking his parents about the party. He held the firm belief that is was all about timing. He needed to catch one of them in a good mood and phrase everything just right. He also wanted to ask Francis, since he had a feeling his papa would be more likely to let him go. He had to make sure Alfred wasn't around either when he bought it up. The last thing he needed was for Alfred to tell their parents that Gilbert had a bad reputation with partying.

The problem was that it was already Thursday night, and the party was Saturday. He was running out of time. His friends stopped asking about it today, thinking that maybe Matthew didn't want to go and was trying to be polite about it. Gilbert even offered to help Matthew sneak out, if he didn't want to ask his parents.

Matthew slowly snuck down the stairs. His family finished eating a few hours ago, but he was pretty sure his family was still awake. He could hear the sound of the TV coming from the living room. He paused once he walked into the room, noticing that just Arthur was in there. He tried to sneak back out quietly, but he was not fast enough. Arthur noticed him.

Arthur greeted, "Hello, Matthew."

"Ah, hi dad."

"Did you need something?"

Matthew decided he might as well get it over with. He couldn't afford to wait much longer. "I w-wanted your permission to do something." Matthew was fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie.

"And what do you need permission to do?" Arthur questioned with a slight rise of both his bushy eyebrows.

Matthew took a deep breath and let it out. "I want to go to a party this Saturday."

"Whose party?"

"Some guys from the high school we were almost zoned to are hosting it. Gilbert and Ludwig know a lot of those people."

"Gilbert and Ludwig are friends with them?"

"I think everyone is, but they know more people."

"Is everyone going?"

"Yes, I think so."

Arthur paused for a moment considering. He trusted his son to make good decisions, and felt that going out could be a good experience as long as everyone was safe. Hell, Arthur did much worse when he was younger; he had no excuse to hold his son back if everyone was going to behave.

Arthur continued his questioning, "Will there be alcohol?"

Matthew decided there was no use in lying. "Yes."

"Will there be cocaine?"

Matthew stuttered, "W-what?"

Arthur gave his son a stern look and demanded, "Matthew you will not be doing any drugs at this party."

"I don't. I don't even think anyone will have anything!"

"I know how some of the kids at that school are, and drinking is fine in moderation but you can't _imagine_ the trouble you'll be in if I find out if you even got near any other substances."

"Dad!" Matthew exclaimed, "I have no interest in illegal substances."

"Well, good then," Arthur looked back at the TV. Matthew stood awkwardly for a moment.

"Wait. So I can go?"

Arthur gave his son a smile. "Of course. Was I not clear?" Matthew shook his head and Arthur continued, "There are some stipulations though." Matthew nodded waiting to hear them. "First, I want to know you have a designated driver. I also want the phone numbers of some of your friends. I need a guarantee of someone I can call who will be _sober_. No one is doing any drugs." Matthew cut his dad off unknowingly when agreeing to the terms.

Arthur continued, "I am serious, Matthew. Not you. Not anyone you are with. No drugs. If you are drinking, it is happening in the house. Nothing outside where you can start disturbing neighbors and get into trouble. We are also going to give you a curfew." Arthur had no idea what a reasonable curfew would be, but he was sure him and Francis could think of something.

Arthur paused and Matthew filled it with an okay.

"If I find out you broke any of the rules, you cannot imagine how much trouble you will be in and how little you will see of these friends." Matthew nodded. His dad could be terrifying when he wanted to.

Arthur paused letting the seriousness drain away a little before continuing in a softer tone, "I know it's a lot, but you need to stay safe. Okay, lad?"

"Okay, dad, thank you."

Matthew went to walk away when he saw Francis in the doorway.

Francis addressed his husband, "And what is happening, mon cher?"

Arthur responded, "Matthew is going to a party with his friends this weekend."

Francis looked between the two family members. "Non. No party." He crossed his arms.

Arthur let out a sigh. "I already laid out the ground rules with Matthew. He will be fine."

Francis made a face that asked what the ground rules were, and Arthur began to explain them to his husband. They then launched into a heated debated. Francis was surprised Arthur was calm about Matthew going out like this and felt like the whole idea was inappropriate. Arthur thought otherwise and was determined to convince Francis that everything was fine. Matthew was surprised that Francis was the one to say no. He guessed he shouldn't have been since Francis had always been extra protective of him. Matthew took that moment to sneak away. He caught Arthur's eyes as he walked out. Arthur gave him a small smile and Matthew mouthed a thank you.

He would be going out with his friends on Saturday, and grabbed his phone to let Gilbert know.

The next day at lunch, he filled his friends in on everything his parents said. They still had a lot to plan because they had to adhere to all of Arthur's demands. Elizaveta said she could be the sober friend. She wasn't planning on drinking much because she had things to do the next day.

"I am driving one car," Ludwig said, "So me and Gil can come get you."

Gilbert laughed and told Matthew, "Just don't let bushy brows know that West is still drinking."

They continued laying out the plans. Matthew didn't realize how many other friends everyone had until now. Most of them were getting rides from other people they knew, or just weren't too worried about being able to find someone for getting home. Matthew took note that Roderich just got his license, so at least he knew a second person with a car.

Gilbert grinned at Matthew. "You know what this means, Birdie?"

"What?"

"I get to see you drunk!"

* * *

Saturday came fast. Ludwig and Gilbert were going to pick him up on their way over. The night before, Matthew gave his dad all the information about driving, the address, and Ludwig's and Elizaveta's numbers. He stayed up late, too nervous and excited to sleep.

The idea of going out with his friends was exciting, but all the strangers and change in atmosphere got to him. They were doing something he had no experience with but something the others seemed to do all the time, especially Gilbert. Matthew wasn't sure how he would act. He was most nervous about all the people. He was comfortable about his friends but he wasn't sure how he'd feel around strangers.

What if all his friends left him along? He would be the loner at the party too afraid to talk to people. The thought made Matthew sick. He tried to distract himself from those feelings by thinking about how much fun it could be. He liked the idea of staying with Gilbert all night.

Matthew slept in late on Saturday, since he had so much trouble sleeping the night before. He was glad that he did because the idea of him having to spend all day waiting would have killed him. He took his time showering and getting ready, even taking a break to sketch for a while.

In the evening, he found himself standing in front of his closet thinking. _What do you wear to something like this?_ He felt like his hoodie might not fly. Then, he remembered what Elizaveta said at lunch about wearing his plaid shirt. He pulled the shirt out of his closet and put it on the bed. Next, he grabbed the same jeans he wore with it last week and got dressed.

Once dressed, he stared down at himself for a few moments thinking. He supposed that he didn't look too much like a nerd. A couple people complimented his shirt last time he wore it, so it must be nice. He glanced at his closet once yearning for his hoodie or more layers. Extra layers would end up being too hot, and he knew it.

He laid down on his bed fully dressed. He still had tons of time to kill before Ludwig and Gilbert would be there, and that's if they were running on time. He grabbed his sketchpad and opened to a blank page. He thought for a moment. Then, began to draw. The best way to pass time was to draw. It was like teleporting him into the future.

* * *

Saturday dragged by slowly for Gilbert. He couldn't wait for the party. It'd been a while since he got the chance to go out and let loose, and, this time, his Birdie was going to be here. The thought made him grin. He knew that a house party was a little out of his friend's element, but he thought Matthew might end up liking it. He couldn't wait, but he had to wait, because it was still just the afternoon.

He couldn't end up finding any good distractions, so he tried to just do his weekend homework. Gilbert ended up finishing all of his weekend homework and _still_ had time to kill. He decided it was best to just start getting ready. Normally, Gilbert didn't put much effort into how he looked for parties. He was always awesome anyways. This time was different. Matthew was going to be there, and he really wanted to keep his attention.

Gilbert showered first because he knew picking out something to wear when he was trying to look good would be a nightmare. Once getting out of the shower, he observed himself in the mirror. He thought he looked awesome, but tried combing his hair different ways to test out his options. He ended up just running his towels against his head and walking back to his room.

The clothes thing was a bit of an issue. He needed something that would make him look hot. The problem was that to him, everything looked good. He just needed to find something that looked extra good, something a certain Canadian might find attractive. It was times like this that he wished Ludwig was the type that could help him with stuff like this, but he'd be damned if he asked Ludwig for help.

He scrolled through the contacts on his phone considering texting someone just to avoid having to make a decision right away. Most people he hung out with wouldn't give good advice, didn't know Matthew, or would use it as an opportunity to mess with Gilbert. He threw his phone down and picked through his closet for a few minutes.

He ended up grabbing some skinny jeans and a fitted t-shirt that was a little nicer than what he usually wore. After putting it on he took a selfie and sent the picture to Elizaveta with the caption: _This good enough for Mattie, you think?_

It was always good to get a second opinion. He pocketed his phone before walking into the hallways and knocking on his brother's door.

"Hey, West, I'm going to make some hot pockets to eat before we head out. Want some?"

Ludwig opened his door half-dressed. "Yeah. Just make me whatever you're making for you."

Gilbert saluted in affirmation and bounded down the stairs. His phone buzzed after he started making the food. The message from Elizaveta read: _Good choice._ Gilbert smiled at the message and thought, _"Fuck yeah it is."_

The two brothers rushed to eat and grab their things before heading out to pick Matthew up. Gilbert messaged Matthew to let him know they were on the way. The drive was short, and soon the car was parked in Matthew's driveway. Gilbert got out to get Matthew and told Ludwig he'd be right back.

Gilbert jogged up to the front door and rang the doorbell. Francis answered the door and surveyed the teen in front of him.

"Hello, Gilbert."

"Hey, we're here to get Matthew," Gilbert said with a gesture to the car.

"Ludwig is driving, oui?" Francis leaned to look at the car. He seemed a little worried.

"Yes, sir," Gilbert said with a grin, hoping Matthew would come out soon. He could hear him running down the stairs. Before Francis could speak again, Matthew was standing next to him.

"Hey, Gil," Matthew greeted with a smile. Gilbert told him hi back. As Matthew made to walk out, Francis grabbed him.

"Matthieu, remember your father's rules."

"I will, Papa."

"Okay, have fun. And be back before the morning," Francis paused, "Don't make a lot of noise when you come home."

Matthew chuckled knowing that his parents would probably crash early and be asleep by the time he got home. They couldn't decide on a concrete curfew. Francis wanted his son home early, but Arthur kept saying that it was ridiculous to do that since the party was so late. Matthew hugged goodbye to his papa. Francis looked at Gilbert and nodded to him before closing the door.

The two teens walked to the car in silence. Gilbert made a show of opening the backdoor for Matthew with a smirk causing the Canadian to blush. Then, Gilbert jumped into the front seat. Ludwig and Matthew exchange pleasantries, and, the three were on their way.

* * *

That evening, not long after Matthew was picked up, Alfred went looking for his brother. He wanted to spend some time with him. His recent mission was to spend as much time as possible with his twin. Maybe then Matthew would listen to him. At the very least, it would be easier for him to protect Matthew if he was around more.

Alfred peaked in the empty game-room first, and, then, headed for Matthew's room. He knocked on his brother's door alternating between both hands as if drumming the door. There was no response, but that wasn't uncommon. Sometimes, Matthew had headphones in or was too invested in his art to hear his brother's pounding. Alfred opened the door and walked in already saying his brother's name preparing to ask if he wanted to play a game.

His trailed off his words after a moment. Matthew wasn't even in his room. Alfred furrowed his brow and put his hands on his hips. "_What the hell?" _he thought to himself. He slowly walked around the room looking around. Matthew's red sweatshirt was on the chair.

_"He couldn't have gone anywhere. He never leaves without his sweatshirt."_

Then, he noticed Matthew left his sketchbook open on the bed with what Alfred assumed were charcoal sticks. They could be something else. He never really understood the difference between all of Matthew's art supplies. He turned the sketchbook to look at the most recent page. On it were the beginnings of a portrait. There were lots of smudges over the page from erasing erratically as if his brother couldn't get the image right.

Alfred frowned. He thought it looked a little like Gilbert. He threw the sketchpad back on the bed with a huff. _Where the fuck was Mattie?_

He bounded down the stairs to see if Matthew was getting a snack or hanging out in the living room. The kitchen was empty. He walked into the living room quickly. There was some movie playing on TV. Francis sat on the couch watching it intently. Arthur leaned against the arm of the catch so that the lamp would provide light for the book he was reading. He rested his feet on Francis's lap.

Alfred interrupted their quiet moment by asking, "Where is Mattie?"

Arthur placed a bookmark in his book and closed it. He stretched his legs slightly before answering, "Matthew went to a party with his friends."

Alfred was shocked. "You let him go to a party!"

Arthur gave his son a concerning look. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"Yes!" Alfred yelled. He couldn't believe his parents were letting Matthew go out like this with someone like _Gilbert_. After seeing their lack of response he continued, "Those people are bad influences, and you just gave Matthew permission to do all kinds of fucked up shit with them!"

Arthur looked concerned but just muttered, "Language, Alfred."

Francis then spoke up calmly. "I think Matthew's friends are fine. They are good people."

Alfred protested, "They are not _fine_. One of them constantly yells at people. And Gilbert is the literal worst. Do you even know what people say about him?"

Francis continued flippantly, "People say all sorts of things about others, especially at your age."

"Matthew is _vulnerable," _Alfred seethed.

"Not as much as you think, Alfred."

"God! It's like you don't even care!" Alfred stormed up the stairs and slammed his door. Maybe he could find out where the party was. He didn't think anyone at school was throwing one, but he grabbed his laptop and got on Facebook to check anyways.

In the living room, Arthur put his book down on the coffee table and stood up. "I'm going to go talk to him," he told Francis. "Okay, mon lapin," Francis responded. Arthur rolled his eyes at the endearment, but still ran a gentle hand through Francis's hair as he rounded the couch and walked up the stairs.

Arthur cautiously opened the door to Alfred's room calling out, "Son?"

Alfred's bed was situated in the corner of the room, and he was leaning against the wall across from the door. He didn't look up from his laptop as he said, "What."

"I just wanted to talk for a minute," Arthur said as he sat on the bed leaning against the adjacent wall.

Alfred was silent, so Arthur began talking. "We do care about Matthew, you know?"

"Not enough apparently."

"I get wanting to look out or your brother, I really do," Alfred huffed at Arthur's words, "but you do need to let your brother make some decisions on his own."

"Dad, Mattie," Alfred paused trying to think of the words, "Mattie can be easily manipulated, and things have been strange recently. Something is not right," Alfred stated, his laptop now forgotten.

"Maybe you need to let them not be right."

Alfred gaped at his dad. "What?"

"Alfred, you need to learn to let Matthew make his own mistakes. Let him make decisions. Let him make bad decision and learn something from them."

Alfred shook his head from side to side. "I've given him space before, and, look, now he is probably getting in some mess."

Arthur sat up a little straighter while thinking about what to say next. He replied, "Lad, you give him space to make decisions and mistakes, but stay around for when he needs you. _That's_ how being a hero works."

Alfred stared at his dad for a moment digesting the words. He sighed, "I guess I can try that."

Arthur smiled, "Good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!
> 
> So I have such a personal soft spot for the party chapter even though I used to swear I would never write a high school party as someone who never went to one. Guess that just goes to show how the characters can have a mind of their own, huh?


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew goes to a party with his friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: underage drinking, references to drug use

Matthew was surprised at how comfortable he was surrounded by so many people in a small house. He supposed the whole night started off well once he got into the car with Gilbert and Ludwig. The Germans sat in the front, leaving the entire backseat to Matthew. He didn't feel left out though because Gilbert kept turning around to try to teach Matthew about some German metal band whose CD they were listening to. The songs were fast and contained a lot of overlapping guitar riffs. Eventually, Ludwig stopped telling Gilbert to sit in his seat like a normal person and joined in on his brother's laughter at Matthew's pronunciation of German words.

They passed the house the party was at so they could park farther down the street. The house was different than what Matthew expected. He thought it would look something like the movie _Project X_ Alfred made him watch. Unlike what he thought, the yard was devoid of red solo cups and half naked teens. The only sign of the party was the hum of music and people and the sizable number of cars parked along the street. Matthew supposed he should have guessed the Hollywood stereotype of high school parties was inaccurate.

By the time they got there, the party was pretty much in full swing. While Ludwig parked, Gilbert checked his phone. He looked at the screen while saying, "I think everyone else is already here… or at least everyone that came with Tony," Gilbert paused talking to scroll through the messages, "actually I don't think Roderich and Elizaveta are here yet. Sounded like they were going to come a little later."

Ludwig nodded in response, cut off the engine, and said something about going to find Feliciano once they got inside. Matthew was a little glad Elizaveta wasn't there yet. He was in a good mood and didn't want to have to deal with the possibility of seeing her and Gilbert flirting. He still had this feeling that there could be something between them, and people always got a little more open when alcohol was involved. Matthew never considered himself the jealous type, and he really wasn't. He just wanted to make sure he could stick to Gilbert's side most of the night if the party became too much for him.

Gilbert talked animatedly as they walked up the sidewalk and into the house. It was loud inside. There was some music Matthew didn't recognize playing from a speaker in the living room. The notes were drowned out by the chatter of teenagers throughout the house. In one of the front rooms, a group of people were playing some drinking game involving cups. Matthew didn't know the rules for any drinking games, so what they were doing was beyond him. He made a mental note to keep clear of that area if he could. The last thing he wanted to do was embarrass himself by not knowing what was going on, especially around strangers.

Gilbert grabbed Matthew's arm and began dragging him into the room with the people playing the drinking game. Matthew realized that Ludwig must have walked off once they entered while he was lost in his thought. As Matthew and Gilbert walked around the people playing, Gilbert said, "We need to get some drinks to catch up with everyone." Soon the two were in the kitchen. Matthew watched Gilbert look through various bottles on the island.

"Any idea what you like," Gilbert asked.

Having little experience with drinking, Matthew responded, "Not really. I don't know what's good."

Gilbert smirked, "Then I guess you'll have to try a lot tonight."

As Gilbert poured them some drinks, he tried explaining mixers to Matthew and what went good together. It all went over Matthew's head, but he assumed he could always ask Gilbert to help him again if he wanted more liqueur, or he could just take a beer out of the fridge, even though Gilbert claimed the beer was unawesome.

Matthew loosened up a little after one drink and felt more comfortable. He actually was starting to have some fun. The atmosphere was less intense than he thought it was. The party mostly consisted of various groups of friends and acquaintances hanging out. They had found Antonio and Lovino hanging out in the living room. Since then, Gilbert was on a mission to help Antonio feed Lovino drinks, while Lovino tried to stop them. Lovino was trying to pace himself, but Gilbert kept trying to give Lovino stronger drinks.

Antonio wrapped an arm around the laughing Canadian, "Lovi is just so cute when he is drunk." Matthew had a feeling Antonio was already feeling a bit tipsy. He had been there for over an hour before Gilbert and Matthew had shown up.

"Damn potato Bastard! Did you switch my drink again," Lovino yelled.

Gilbert laughed, "More like added to it." He shook an empty cup.

"Fuck you," Lovino grabbed Matthew from Antonio, "You're coming with me to get a new one, since your bastard won't stop fucking with me."

Matthew protested at being dragged away so forcefully and at Lovino calling Gilbert his bastard. _What did he mean by that?_ After being freed from Antonio, Matthew willingly walked along with Lovino. He realized he needed another drink anyways too. Besides, Gilbert and Antonio were following them in an attempt to be sneaky.

Lovino gave Matthew a new drink and was fixing one for himself when Matthew was grabbed from behind.

"Vinny!" a new voice exclaimed.

Matthew protested being grabbed. Gilbert paused trying to steal Lovino's drink and asked, "What?" Matthew turned around laughing after being let go. He grinned at the tall, blond boy who had grabbed him.

"Hey, Mathias."

"Vinny! I never thought I'd see you here," Mathias claimed. Gilbert walked up to the two confused.

Gilbert butted in, "What?"

Mathias saw Gilbert and gave him a back-patting bro hug. "Hey, man."

Gilbert asked, "You know Mattie?"

"Mattie?" Mathias paused looking at the Canadian before continuing, "Oh! You mean Vinny. Yeah!" Mathias draped an arm around Matthew and messed up his hair. Gilbert held himself back from stopping the contact.

Matthew laughed. "Stop it, dude."

Mathias ignored Matthew's protests and continued talking to Gilbert. "I didn't know you guys were friends, but it's great you bought him out! He's never comes out with us."

Gilbert was trying to keep up, but he could not make the right connections. He thought Matthew didn't hang out with anyone else. For all he knew, the statement was true. Matthew never did see or talk about with anyone else since they'd started hanging out, but he must have other friends if there are nicknames involved.

Gilbert crossed his arms holding back the urge to be defensive about his friends being so close. "We have class together. How do _you _know each other?"

Matthew was able to fight Mathias off before answering, "He was on my hockey team last season, and we've pretty much always been in the same league. A lot of the players go to this school."

"And we will kick more ass this season!" Mathias exclaimed, spilling some of the beer he just grabbed. "Especially with the sniper, Vinny."

"What the fuck is with the Vinny thing?" Gilbert asked.

Matthew rolled his eyes. "It's a stupid nickname. Hockey players do that."

Mathias feigned offense, "It is _not _stupid. It is your Viking name!"

Mathias and Matthew bickered back and forth for a few moments about the name. Mathias kept trying to claim how it was great. Matthew explained to Gilbert how Mathias learned Canada was founded by Vikings and called Vinland. Then, Matthew told some story involving the team and how the name stuck. Mathias just claimed that Matthew was a beast when he played and needed a nickname to match it.

"I don't think Vinny sounds very scary," Matthew said.

"Yeah, well, you don't look scary, but you are," Matthias responded. Gilbert laughed at the idea of Matthew being as scary as Mathias described.

The three talked a little longer. Mathias and Gilbert knew each other really well because they ran in similar party circles. Mathias was happy to hear that his favorite drinking buddy was friends with Matthew. Some guys from the team thought Matthew was a bit of a recluse and didn't like to be social, even though he always thought he just had some of his own friends from school. Mathias liked being proven right. He told Gilbert he needed to drag Matthew out more often. Then, he left the kitchen to go find another friend.

Matthew was shocked someone from his team remembered him outside the rink like that. He was more surprised to find out that person was also bros with Gilbert. For once, it was a good surprise, a happy small world moment. Matthew grinned. He finished his drink and asked Gilbert to pour him another one.

Gilbert chuckled, "You starting to feel it a little, Birdie?"

Matthew leaned against Gilbert and huffed, "I have _awesome_ tolerance." He chose not to acknowledge that Gilbert was right, and the alcohol was getting to him. He had never been drunk before. The alcohol coursing through his veins was, as Gilbert would say, awesome. Yes, the world did occasionally take a little spin reminiscent of the beer goggles his health class made them all wear the year before, but the warm, cozy feeling in his stomach made the slight dizziness worth it. He felt looser and less stressed, likely because he was incapable of focusing on all the anxieties around him while drinking.

Gilbert teased Matthew a little more after giving him his drink. It was obvious he was feeling a little tipsy. It would have been surprising if he wasn't considering how much he had in such a short amount of time. Matthew was acting a little touchier as the alcohol started to affect him. They walked back out of the kitchen to find their friends again, and ended up finding both the Italians and Ludwig.

As everyone chatted, Gilbert thought back to what went down in the kitchen. He needed to ask Matthew a little more about hockey. He had no idea his friend had a reputation, even if it was just on his team. Gilbert also was a tiny bit jealous. He knew Mathias had his eyes on someone else, but Gilbert couldn't stop the feeling in his stomach at the fact that other people were giving his Birdie special nicknames and being touchy feely with him.

"Ve, I want to get another drink! Anyone want to come?" Feliciano asked. Matthew decided to go with him, leaving the others behind.

A few minutes after Matthew left, Gilbert decided he wanted to go find him. He didn't like the idea of some other guy hanging off of him like Mathias had earlier. Instead of finding Matthew in the kitchen, he found Elizaveta.

"Hey," she said. He greeted her back.

"Did you just get here?" Gilbert asked.

"Nah, I've been in the backyard for a while.'

She looked at Gilbert, grinned, and continued, "If you're looking for Matt, he's in the front room with Feli. Some tall, blond dude he knows was introducing him to people I think."

Gilbert peered through the doorway into the front room where people were playing drinking games earlier. Matthew was hanging off of Feli while Mathias talked to them animatedly.

Gilbert leaned against the counter in the kitchen. "Mattie's getting a bit drunk," Gilbert laughed.

Elizaveta smirked. "You still going to make a move?"

Gilbert shrugged, "Maybe. We'll have to see." He didn't want to do anything if Matthew was drunk.

Time passed quickly and Gilbert moved from friend to friend talking, drinking, and joking around. After a while, he realized he hadn't seen Matthew since the front room. Gilbert grabbed a tipsy Feliciano by the arm.

"Hey, Feli, where is Mattie at?"

Feliciano thought for a moment trying to remember. "He went somewhere with someone he was talking to earlier."

Gilbert rolled his eyes. The Italian was not helpful. "Thanks, Feli."

"Umm… he had spikey hair," Feliciano moved his hands around above his head, "that might help." Gilbert patted his friend's shoulder and went on a mission to go find his Birdie. Someone really needed to check on him every so often, since Matthew never drank much.

Gilbert first checked the kitchen. While he was there, he chugged the last of his drink and refilled it immediately. When in Rome. Feeling decently buzzed, Gilbert walked down the hallway to some of the back rooms where people were lingering. Most people had the decency not to hang out in the other rooms of the house, but it was a little quieter for when anyone needed a break from the noise.

Gilbert checked some of the rooms as he walked by, noting that some of them were locked – a smart move by the homeowner. He knocked on the bathroom door only to have a female voice answer that it was occupied. _Where could Birdie be?_ Gilbert heard some voices coming from the last room on the right. He rolled his eyes. Of course Matthew would end up in there.

Matthew was in the far room on the right. It was a small room with a couch, chair, and TV. It likely was designed to by a small office space considering how cramped it was. He was surrounded by new people and smoke. He was sitting on the couch with his new friend, Lars, who had an arm resting on the back of the couch behind Matthew. His fingers occasionally tapped a pattern on Matthew's right shoulder. One of Lars' friends was sitting on the other side of Matthew, and a Cuban boy was slouched in the chair. Matthew smiled as he took a swig of his drink. It was vodka something or another. He didn't really remember. Either way, he was feeling good as he talked to Lars. He was leaning against Lars trying to tell some joke about polar bears and car thieves being left handed.

Gilbert opened the cracked door. "Dude!"

Matthew turned to look at him leaning over Lars and putting his hands on Lar's legs to steady himself. He greeted Gilbert with a lopsided smile. "Gilbert!"

Gilbert walked to the front of the couch, grabbed Matthew's arm, and pulled him up and out of the room as Matthew waved goodbye to his new friends. Gilbert told him, "Your dad will kill us if you go home smelling like pot!"

It took a second for Matthew to understand what Gilbert was saying. "Oh," Matthew muttered, "that's what that was."

Gilbert couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous this was. "Of course you would end up hanging out with stoners hotboxing the backroom."

Matthew swayed a little was he looked up at Gilbert. He thrust a finger into his friend's chest. "I… have no idea what that means, but it sounds like you said something I should have a comeback for." Matthew paused for a moment. "I'll… hotbox your face."

Gilbert laughed again, "come on. Let's go find everyone else, and you need to slow down."

Matthew agreed and leaned into Gilbert wrapping an arm around the albino's waist. He rubbed his face into Gilbert's shoulder muttering about him being soft. Gilbert rolled his eyes but smiled. "You're feeling it alright, Birdie."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the party reaches it's precipice and winds down to an end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: underage drinkings, references to past self-harm

Ludwig walked out of the kitchen after grabbing his third beer for the night. He was pacing himself and having water in-between drinks, so that he would be okay to drive. He had a high tolerance for alcohol and didn't necessarily need to be as careful as he was, but he chose to be extra careful just in case.

He planned on going to find one of his friend's again, particularly Feliciano, when he left the kitchen. Instead, he saw Matthew draping himself over some guy in the living room. Unrecognizable dance music with a loud base pounded loudly through the few speakers. Matthew was leaning into Lars and visibly drunk. Lars had an arm wrapped around Matthew's waist, his hand falling just above the curve of Matthew's ass. Matthew was playing with the ends of Lars' stripped scarf, while the spikey-haired teen was obviously flirting with him.

Ludwig wasn't sure if Matthew was flirting back or not. It seemed like he might be, but Matthew was also wasted. Ludwig looked around the room in an attempt to find his brother. Gilbert would not be happy about this. He figured out that Gilbert had a thing for Matthew; Gilbert practically admitted it. Ludwig decided he might as well help his brother out. He thought Matthew was really good for Gilbert, and his brother deserved something nice for once.

He walked up to Matthew and Lars with purpose. Ludwig schooled his face and pretended that he couldn't tell Lars was trying to find an excuse to make a move on Matthew or figure out if the smaller teen was actually interested or just drunk.

Ludwig lied, "Hey, Matthew. Feliciano was looking for you."

Matthew dislodged himself from Lars, while Lars gave Ludwig an annoyed look. Matthew addressed Ludwig, "Yeah? Did he say why?"

"Not really. He's in the kitchen though."

Matthew stumbled his way to the kitchen in search of his Italian friend. Ludwig almost followed, but decided to go find his brother instead. He gave a nod of acknowledgment to Lars before walking away in search of his brother. Gilbert was sitting with Elizaveta on the back porch watching an intense game of beer pong.

"Hey, East."

"What up, Luddy!" Gilbert greeted with a grin.

"You might want to go hang out with Matthew."

"Yeah?"

"Some dude was all over him a second ago." Ludwig gestured towards the house

"What!" Gilbert got up quickly.

"I interrupted and told Matthew that Feliciano was looking for him."

Gilbert let out a breath. "Thanks, bro," he said while making his way back inside.

When he walked into the kitchen, Gilbert laughed. Matthew was holding the sides of Feliciano's head and talking to him seriously. Matthew stated, "You need to use pasta for the inspiration project for class." Feliciano looked amazed at Matthew's words before responding excitedly, "Pasta is just lines!" The two of them broke into giggles. Matthew buried his head into his friend's shoulder.

Once their giggles stopped, Feliciano announced that he wanted to tell Ludwig about his new project idea and promptly left the kitchen. Matthew went to follow, but noticed Gilbert was there. He stopped following Feliciano and instead latched himself to Gilbert who let out a surprised breath.

"Gil!" Matthew wrapped his arms around his friend leaning all his weight into him. Gilbert put am arm around Matthew to steady him. Matthew stated, "Feliciano said I am really smart."

Gilbert chuckled at Matthew's slurred words. "You sure are, Birdie. You're tutoring me remember?"

Matthew beamed. "Yeah!" He paused for a moment to steady himself while remaining attached to his friend, "And you were really hot."

Gilbert grinned but stiffened, more alert than before. "What?"

Matthew gave him a lopsided drunken smile, sliding a hand up Gilbert's arm to his shoulder. "You know," he waved his other hand about before putting it low on Gilbert's hip.

Gilbert raised his eyebrows at the words. "Do continue," he said while moving Matthew's hand up a few inches.

Matthew hummed into his friend's shoulder before lifting his head again. "You're hot… in all your," Matthew gestured to Gilbert's clothes, "stuff."

"Stuff?" Gilbert was distracted by Matthew's hands.

"These clothes make you look extra good."

Gilbert wasn't sure how to react. On one hand, fuck yeah Matthew thought he was attractive. All the staring into his closet actually worked. On the other hand, Matthew was delightfully trashed, and he couldn't make an actual move on a trashed friend. He could just enjoy the nice words.

Matthew continued talking. Apparently, he was a talkative drunk. "You are way more muscular than you look," Matthew accentuated his words by tightening his grip on Gilbert and moving his hand from Gilbert's shoulder to feel up his friend's arm.

Gilbert let out a small laugh. "Thanks, Birdie."

Matthew wasn't paying much attention. "God," he muttered. He lowered his face to Gilbert's neck and began to kiss him.

"Woah!" Gilbert exclaimed holding Matthew away from him.

Matthew whined at being pushed away and grabbed Gilbert again muttering, "Want you."

Gilbert put his hands on his crush's shoulders and held him at arm's length. "Mattie, you're cut off."

"What you mean?" Matthew asked swaying slightly as he tried to focus on maintaining eye contact.

Gilbert shook his head and situated Matthew to lean against the counter. "You really need to learn how to pace yourself… especially if you're going to be a horny drunk."

Matthew laughed, "Am not."

"Sure. I totally believe you," Gilbert said while filling up a cup with tap water. He gave the cup to Matthew. "This is all you're allowed to drink for a little while, and you're sticking with me."

"I like sticking with you."

Gilbert rubbed his neck. "Ah… You're drunk." He felt like Matthew was starting to say stuff he normally wouldn't. Matthew usually had a lot of walls up. Gilbert knew this. He supposed that those walls weren't as well guarded as he thought if a little liqueur could break through those defenses so easily.

Matthew took the water from Gilbert with a thanks, and Gilbert began mission: sober Birdie up so that he isn't draping himself over people. After few cups of water and half a box of Ritz crackers Gilbert found in the pantry, Matthew seemed a little more sober. He definitely still had alcohol in his system, but was not completely trashed.

Gilbert went into the pantry to grabbed some bottled water he found earlier and gave one to Matthew. He also grabbed himself a beer. The second water bottle was for if Matthew wanted any more.

"Let's go get some fresh air," Gilbert suggested.

Thus, Matthew found himself sitting on the front porch with Gilbert, a water in his hand; a beer in Gilbert's. The night was humid, a breeze floating through every so often only to blow more warm air down the street. Few stars could be seen due to being too close to the city, but Orion's belt was visible. The night was calm, despite the murmur of music and voices coming from the building behind them. The distortion of the sound through the front door made it feel as though Gilbert and Matthew found their own quiet place to be alone.

Matthew ran a hand through his hair and turned to Gilbert. "I thought you said the beer was unawesome?"

Gilbert smirked, "It's called not drinking so much liqueur I can't walk."

Matthew huffed in protest but smiled. He was still decently buzzed from before, but felt a little more aware. He messed with his hair again – it felt extra fluffy against his hands tonight. The humidity made him feel stuffy. He went to unbutton the top few buttons on his shirt, but realized he must have undone them earlier in the night. He sat up a little and pushed his sleeves up his arms a few inches. The front steps should have felt a lot cooler than inside, but that wasn't quite the case.

"I'm really glad you convinced me to come. This is fun," Matthew said.

Gilbert's lips twitched. He was glad. "Well, next time, we'll make sure you pace yourself a little better."

Matthew hummed in agreement. "You're a good friend." He pushed his sleeves up again. Gilbert's eyes glanced at the movement beside him. Then, he couldn't keep his eyes away. More of Matthew's arms were on display than ever before, and, for the first time, he really understood why.

He could see a few thin, pink lines creeping out from under Matthew's plaid sleeves towards his wrists. The lines were all different degrees of darkness, going in various directions – some parallel, some creating x-shapes. Gilbert wondered how far up Matthew's arms the scars went and how old they were. He felt a weight pull down his stomach. For a short time, he had possession of the things that caused those marks, the things possibly _still_ caused those marks. He wanted to close his eyes and pretend the scars weren't there like a child hiding under the covers from the dark gap of their closet, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. It was like watching a car crash happen – horrific to see, but he had to face the reality of it.

Matthew turned to look at his friend, noticing Gilbert's silence. He followed Gilbert's wide eyes to his arms. He turned his arms so that they sat on his legs, forearms up. He looked down processing everything.

"Shit." It was all Matthew could think to say. He never even came close to being caught, and now he had no idea what to do.

Matthew ringed his hands nervously stuttering, "I… it's not… uh."

Gilbert cut him off. "It's okay."

Matthew turned to look at him. They made eye contact, various emotions flowing between them. Gilbert hesitated, "Are… Are you okay?"

The world seemed quiet around them; the silence thickening. Matthew blinked unsure what to say, unsure of the answer. He looked at his hands; then, looked up at Gilbert. He shook his head slowly from right to left. Gilbert felt like his insides were scrunching in on themselves. He swore if you could take an x-ray of his organs at that moment, they would resemble crumpled pieces of paper.

Matthew slowly pushed his sleeves all the way down before speaking up with a dry voice. "I'm trying to be okay," he took a breath to steady his voice, "It's hard."

Gilbert swallowed in an attempt to calm his insides. He spoke softly. "I'm not going to pretend to understand."

One corner of Matthew's lips twitched up. He gave a sad chuckle, "That's the correct answer, I suppose," he sighed letting the silence build between them again, "It's been a long time, Gilbert."

Gilbert nodded his head slowly. "I'm here, you know. If you need me."

Matthew gave his friend a thankful look. "I want to be better. Other things are getting better. It's just hard."

Gilbert bit his lip, still glancing at Matthew's covered arms every so often. Matthew looked at Gilbert's face and felt like he should elaborate. "It doesn't go away, Gil. The need is always under my skin like an itch. It's just…dormant sometimes." Matthew let out a breath. Talking about it took a lot out of him. He felt like he would never be able to correctly describe what it was like or how he feels about it.

Gilbert clenched his fists and thought about his words. "You're strong. You… I know you can be okay."

Gilbert scooted closer to Matthew so that they were sitting side-by-side, legs touching. He hesitantly put an arm around his friend. The weight of Gilbert's arm and presence to Matthew's right helped ground him. It leveled his head a little bit and helped him to continue talking.

"I didn't want anyone to ever see them. It's stupid," Gilbert pressed Matthew closer, not liking what he was saying, but Matthew continued, "Just, Gilbert, just pretend you didn't see. For me, pretend it didn't happen."

Gilbert squeezed his eyes closed for a moment, not liking what was happening, but not knowing what else to do. "I care too much about you to be able to just forget. I know what it's like to hurt, maybe not in the same way, but I want you to be able to talk about it and ask for help."

Matthew leaned into Gilbert and begged, "Please, Gil, just for now can we pretend it didn't happen?"

Gilbert cursed in his head. He was being backed into a corner. "If you remember everything I said about talking to me and stuff, then I can make a deal with you about pretending. But it will only be pretending, I can't forget it, Birdie."

Matthew slowly nodded. "Yeah, okay." They both stared into the street, the conversation hanging over them tensely.

Gilbert let out a long, loud breath and chose to do what he just promised. "So, how much of a contact high do you think you got while in the backroom?"

Matthew whipped his head to look at Gilbert. The albino was giving him a small smile. Matthew's face formed a similar expression, a weight leaving his shoulders.

"God, let's hope I didn't get one at all, or my dad might actually kill me."

Gilbert poked Matthew's side. "Were you trying to impress the scarf guy," Gilbert joked.

"What?"

Gilbert shrugged. "I don't know his name. Weed Scarf guy."

"Are you talking about Lars?"

"Yeah, that dude. Were you trying to make a move, because although I can be an awesome wingman, I don't know if I'd do that for you."

"I wasn't flirting with him," Matthew defended.

"You sure? Because he was sure making a move on you apparently."

Matthew blushed. "Shut up. No he wasn't."

"So says you, but Ludwig totally saw him trying to make the moves on you, but you were a little wasted and just hanging all over him." Gilbert accented his words by draping himself over Matthew's lap dramatically before getting up laughing, "too many people have been checking you out, Birdie."

"Oh my god, he did not. Why were you guys even talking about people checking me out?" Matthew was embarrassed but smiling.

Gilbert shrugged. "West knows I get jealous."

Matthew furrowed his brow. "What do you mean you get –"

His question was cut off by someone wrapping their arms around Gilbert and Matthew. Mathias put his head between his two friends.

He exclaimed, "You guys have to do shots with me before it gets too late!"

Gilbert raised an eyebrow at Matthew silently questioning if he could handle it. Matthew gave a half shrug.

Mathias continued, "I am not taking no for an answer. If you're not passed out or sick, you can still do shots."

Gilbert grinned and agreed. Matthew let out a breath stating, "I could use more alcohol now anyways."

Mathias whooped as he dragged the two of them back into the house.

Matthew decided that alcohol was amazing. It made him feel warm and loose. He couldn't concentrate on all his problems – unable to focus on anything too long to worry much. He could question Gilbert about the jealous thing later, or maybe never bring it up so the conversation and him being caught could be forgotten forever. Instead of dwelling on whatever happened outside, Matthew focused on his relaxed muscles and trying to learn the German drinking song Gilbert and Mathias were singing.

Ludwig butted in to stop the singing. Gilbert grabbed Ludwig's arm in an attempt to get his brother to join in, but Ludwig was sober and would only reluctantly join in if he was plastered. He told Gilbert that they needed to leave and were bringing Feliciano home too. Gilbert sighed and chugged the last of his drink. Mathias made a whipping sound at Gilbert causing Matthew to snicker and Gilbert to flip him off.

Matthew was vaguely aware of the world spinning while Mathias gave him a hug goodbye and said something about coming out more.

"Seriously, Vinny, all the guys thought you were a recluse," Mathias admitted.

Matthew, not quite comprehending his friend's words said, "Not you, because you're my best left wing man." Matthew grinned proud of his hockey pun, while Mathias roared with laughter.

The world spun around again as Matthew was jostled aside and lead towards the door. Maybe the beer goggles from health class had some accuracy to them after all. The voices around him felt loud and he couldn't pick out all of them at once. He was vaguely aware of Gilbert saying bye to Mathias as he led Matthew away. The friends had arms around each other as they swayed behind Ludwig and Feliciano.

As they reached the car, Matthew tumbled over into the grass due to his pace being disturbed by stopping. Feliciano leaned against the back door, while Ludwig opened the passenger door and helped him get inside. Gilbert claimed that chivalry wasn't dead, and Matthew clapped along happily.

Ludwig rolled his eyes at Gilbert. "If chivalry is alive why don't you help your – I mean Matthew – get off the ground?"

Matthew didn't catch Gilbert's response, but was soon hauled off the ground and led into the car by a drunken albino. Matthew cuddled up next to Gilbert in the backseat. Ludwig made some comment about seat-belts causing Gilbert to grumble and Matthew to giggle at the sound. The world shifted as Matthew was pushed into his seat and the seat-belt clicked closed. Matthew turned to watch Gilbert buckle his own.

"You are so nice, Gil."

Gilbert grinned. "Nah, I'm awesome."

The ride home was a drunken blur. Gilbert demanded music. Feliciano agreed. They definitely took a longer way home. They drove through the night with soft rock on the radio and the windows rolled down. To Matthew, it felt like they were driving fast, but his world was skewed as the air filtered around his head feeling much cooler than it did when he was outside earlier that night. Jokes were exchanged loudly throughout the car, even Ludwig let out some laughs despite his complete sobriety. The moment was pure and one Matthew would make sure to remember although it would always be hazy in his mind. It just felt surreal, pure and rose-tinted.

At some point someone in the car gave Matthew a bottle of water that he drank willingly. By the time they pulled up to his house, his water was half-gone, and he was capable of walking upright. Feliciano was in the front seat half asleep. Ludwig opened the center console and handed Matthew his keys. Before going to the party, Ludwig stored them in the car so that they wouldn't get lost, something Matthew was thankful for now.

While unbuckling himself, Gilbert stumbled out of the car in order to open Matthew's door for. Gilbert put his hands on the roof and leaned into the car.

"Let's get you inside, Birdie."

He gave Matthew a hand for balance and helped him out of the car. Together they stumbled towards the front door. It took Matthew a few tries to fumble his keys into the lock and open the door. The two friends stared at each other in front of the open door.

"Thanks a lot, Gil, for everything," Matthew slurred slightly.

"It's what friends are for."

They stood in front of each other for a moment. Matthew told Gilbert goodnight. Gilbert placed a hand on the back of Matthew's neck and pulled him forward placing a chaste kiss on his forehead. Matthew let out a shaky breath at the movement. When Gilbert slowly let go of his friend, he mumbled a goodnight and walked back to the car. Matthew made sure to wave to his two friends still in the car before walking inside, quietly closing the door, and locking the door with an echoing click.

The house was quiet and dark. Small beams of light from the street and moon illuminated the rooms allowing Matthew to see the silhouettes of the furniture. All that could be heard was the air conditioner blowing and a slight murmur of sound coming from deeper in the house – Alfred must be awake still. Matthew held his breathe as he walked towards the stairs – his own deep breathing seemed out of place in such a calm home.

He grabbed onto the rail to balance himself and slowly ascended the stairs on light feet. He stayed on his toes and tried to keep to the side of the stairs to avoid creaking. They had lived in the house for a long time, and he knew most steps would creak or shift if he stepped in the center. Despite his efforts, a few steps did make noise, although soft; it seemed loud in the house.

Once he got upstairs, he tried to creep to his room. A soft blue light flickered from the game-room lighting up part of the hallway. The TV in the game-room must have been on a low volume, because even near the door he could only make out the murmur of voices. Matthew must have been making more noise than he was aware of, because a voice broke out as he walked by the game-room.

"Hey, Mattie," Alfred said just above a whisper. He appeared in the doorway to meet his brother in the hall.

"Hi, Al," Matthew greeted trying to make eye contact, but he was still a little too tipsy for that kind of attentiveness.

Alfred motioned for Matthew to come with him into the game-room. An old western that Alfred liked – the kind only shown during early hours – was playing on the TV. As they went to sit on the couch Alfred asked, "So how was the party?"

Matthew was too drunk to think much about the question, let alone wonder how Alfred knew he was at a party. He smiled at his brother. "It was actually a ton of fun."

He told Alfred short stories from the night. He talked about how he had no reason to be nervous and how everyone was very nice; how he saw someone from his hockey team and that his friends took good care of him when he got drunk. In a rare occurrence, Alfred listened quietly to the stories. He wanted to ask for more details but didn't want to push too hard for information. Besides, drunk Mattie was amusing.

He chuckled. "Who would have guessed the shy Matthew wasted at a stranger's house?"

Matthew shrugged. "Well, when you put it like that…"

Alfred gave his brother a grin. "I'm glad you had fun, bro." He went to give his brother a side hug, paying attention to the smell of alcohol, sweat and something else. Something else? He recognized the smell and furrowed his brow.

"Mattie, did you smoke pot?"

Matthew paused remembered sitting in the backroom with Lars. He hesitated. "No."

"Dude. I can smell it on you. Not a lot, but it's definitely there."

Matthew nervously messed with his hair. "I talked to some people who were smoking. It's no big deal."

Alfred tried to swallow his anger. It would be no help getting angry at his brother in the early hours of the morning. He tried to remember his dad's words about letting Mattie make his own mistakes, but it was hard in practice. His eye twitched as he thought about who Matthew was with all night.

"You promised dad you wouldn't do anything."

Matthew defended, "I didn't, I swear! He said I could drink, and I didn't even realize what they were doing at first."

Alfred huffed, "Some friends you have looking out for you."

Matthew tried to defend Gilbert by explain that he came to help and was upset Matthew was with Lars to begin with. Alfred wasn't sure how to feel about that. It was easier to put the blame on Gilbert. Alfred chose to hold back his urge to protest Matthew's claim, since it was late and his brother was obviously still tipsy.

After a few more minutes, Matthew got up claiming he was tired and needed to head to bed. The exhaustion hit him as he got into his room, never turning on the light. Not only was the night long, but he was an introvert, and all the social aspects of the evening drained his energy. He slowly took off his shirt and shed his pants, sighing at finally being comfortable. He felt dirty and sweaty, but was too tired to shower. He threw his clothes on the floor and plopped onto his bed in just in boxers. Wiggling about, he pushed the sheets down and draped them over himself. He signed contentedly at the comfort of being in bed and off his feet. He didn't have time to dwell much on the many events of the night before he fell into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!
> 
> Thanks to everyone whose been commenting. It's blowing my mind and lighting a fire under me to get to work on my other fanfic projects too.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Outcomes from the party begin to ripple into waves and brothers talk

Gilbert groaned as he woke up Sunday morning. He squinted at the sun shining through his window. The stupid star in the sky just had to wake him up. Gilbert swallowed thickly wincing at the taste in his mouth. He regretted not brushing his teeth before bed. His mouth tasted like shit. He rocked himself up into a sitting position and rubbed his face in an attempt to wake himself up a little bit more. He felt greasy and was in desperate need of a shower. Sometimes the mornings – more like afternoons – after a night out sucked. Not this morning though.

Gilbert moved throughout his room to grab things he'd need for a well-deserved shower. He hummed to himself, while grabbing clothes. Last night was, as he would say, awesome. Hell, it was more than awesome, but he didn't have a way to articulate something that great, even mentally. He replayed the night's events as he showered. Hanging out with Matthew, who had looked amazing, was great. Gilbert was pretty sure his friend wasn't completely straight considering how he acted. Plus, Gilbert felt like Matthew must at least find him attractive if there was any truth to what the blond said in the kitchen.

He stayed in his good mood until he got out of the shower. A frown appeared on his face as he remembered the events outside. He saw. He saw the scars that littered Matthew's arms. Gilbert sighed as he thought about how drunk Matthew got. He wasn't sure if he hoped his friend would remember that entire conversation or not. Gilbert felt like he should do something about it, but he promised that he would pretend it didn't happen.

Gilbert got dressed and moved back to his room still in thought. He would need to play the whole thing by ear. Technically, he already knew Matthew sometimes hurt himself. Seeing the effects of that shouldn't change anything. Gilbert still had feelings for his friend, and still wanted to start something. It was better that Gilbert saw anyways because now Matthew knew he knew. That is how Gilbert rationalized everything that happened in his head. He would still try to woo Matthew. He couldn't _not._

He decided to send a quick message to Matthew. He scrolled through his contacts until he found the name Birdie and composed his message:

_How you feelin Birdie?_

Matthew's phone buzzed, but he was in the shower and didn't hear the message alert. He was a little nauseous when he woke up, but not much. The water from last night must have helped. If not, it at least stopped him from being dehydrated in the morning, something he was thankful for. He spent his shower trying to replay the events from the night before. The keyword was trying. He remembered pretty much all of it, just some aspects got hazy and he couldn't place all the details. The exact words said and conversations had escaped him. In his drunken haze, he must not have been paying much attention to those things.

He was pretty sure he came onto Gilbert in the kitchen, which was embarrassing as hell. At least Gilbert wasn't upset by it. If he was lucky, it would just inflate his ego a little bit or be forgotten. Matthew tried to ignore their conversation at the party. He didn't want to deal with Gilbert knowing about his self-injury problem. He couldn't believe he was so careless. At least it was only Gilbert. As far as Matthew was concerned, he would pretend it didn't happen and hope Gilbert would be able to do the same. If not, well, he'd cross that bridge when he got to it. Deep down he always knew he would get caught eventually. He was just glad it was someone that he trusted and was close to.

What he couldn't stop thinking about were the little things that happened at the party. Gilbert said that Ludwig knew he got jealous. What was that about? It came up after talking about Lars and people checking out Matthew, so it had to relate… right? Matthew sighed at the thought. That couldn't be it. He had to mean it in a platonic way.

Then, Matthew remembered being walked to the door. The way Gilbert opened the car door for him and walked with him took on a different meaning once Matthew thought of the kiss. It was nice; just a peck to the head, but it felt like more. It felt like feelings, like more than friends. Matthew thought there was a little more intent behind it than it first seemed, but everything was skewed by their drunkenness, so he couldn't be sure. If he wanted answers, he may have to ask.

He checked his phone and smiled while reading Gilbert's text. He responded:

_Was a little dizzy when I first got up, but I'm good. Last night was awesome._

Matthew walked downstairs to get breakfast. Usually, Francis cooked breakfast on Sundays and would leave it out for the twins, since they would sleep in late. This Sunday was like a usual Sunday, and eggs and sausage were in a covered pan on the stove ready to be warmed up. Matthew made himself a plate and walked into the living room where his parents were. He plopped down on the chair next to the couch that Arthur and Francis were sitting on.

"Good morning, Matthew," Arthur greeted.

"Did you have fun last night?" Francis asked.

"Yeah, it was great," Matthew responded with a smile, remembering the forehead kiss. Francis gave his son a knowing look.

"Anything interesting happen?"

"Not really. I saw one of the guys from the hockey team, I guess." Matthew took a bite of his food as Francis pursed his lips in thought. Sometimes he wished his son was more talkative about the details of his life.

Arthur gave Matthew a searching look. "Did you follow all my rules?"

"Yes, Dad," Matthew lied. Technically, he should have never been in a room with a ton of people smoking pot. Plus, he sat outside with Gilbert who was drinking and the designated driver, Ludwig, did drink at the party. Despite breaking a few of the rules, Matthew felt like he just bent the restrictions; he, himself, did not do anything.

They chatted a little longer, while Matthew finished his breakfast. His phone buzzed every so often as he texted Gilbert, joking about last night for a while. Eventually, Matthew had to tell Gilbert he'd talk to him later. He had a lot of homework left to do and knew Alfred would want to bug him again later.

When Gilbert got Matthew's text about talking later, he sighed. There went his entertainment for the day. Unlike Matthew, he had finished his written homework on Saturday. He supposed he could always study a little bit for once. Matthew had told him that he would have to look over French on his own time if he wanted to keep up with the vocab. He groaned to himself as he pulled out his book and some flashcards to begin studying. He didn't want to, but he liked the idea of impressing his friend with how fast he was improving.

Gilbert was halfway through his flashcards, when Ludwig knocked on the door and came in. He sat on the bed with a grunt, leaning against the wall and asked how his brother was doing.

"Pretty good, West."

Ludwig noticed Gilbert's textbook. "Oh, were you working? I can come back later."

Gilbert stretched as he responded. "Nah, I'm just looking over some French stuff. It's not important."

"Very studious of you."

"Shut it. I study sometimes. Besides, it's French."

"Ah, that explains it."

"What explains it?" Gilbert knew where his brother was getting at and was determined to protest it. Crushes made him feel girly and unawesome sometimes.

"Trying to impress someone, East?" Ludwig joked.

Gilbert rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Did you just come in here to make fun of me for actually studying?"

"Good point," Ludwig paused, "Did Matthew have fun last night?"

"Yeah, I was texting him earlier. He is surprisingly not hungover."

Gilbert noticed Ludwig giving him knowing look. He sighed. "What, West?"

Ludwig shrugged. "Elizaveta told me you were going to make a move."

"Seriously? She is way too committed to this," Gilbert complained loudly swinging his hands about, "She wasn't even bugging _you _about _your _relationship stuff for once."

"There's nothing to bug me about," Ludwig objected.

Gilbert gave his brother an incredulous look. "One: I'm your brother. You can't lie to me. Two: You guys are very obvious. And three: Your subtle flirting thing is never going to work on Feli. He's too oblivious."

Ludwig blushed and chose not to directly acknowledge anything his brother just said. "I thought we were talking about you and Matthew."

Gilbert sighed knowing the Feli deflection never worked. "Sure."

"I just wanted to ask about the making a move thing. I thought you'd be talking about it nonstop."

"Why would I do that?" Gilbert furrowed his brow in confusion.

Ludwig's face mirrored his brother's. "Didn't you tell him last night? You guys were acting close…"

"I decided not to. He was drunk, and I just kind of chickened out. As for the closeness, he is – ah – a touchy drunk."

"Mein Gott, you're ridiculous."

"No, I'm fucking responsible as shit!"

Ludwig got up. "Bruder, you can't put the touchiness on him. You were the one flirting. Plus, you kissed him goodnight," Ludwig paused before elaborating, "If he remembers that, he's going to ask you about it. It's not something friends do all the time."

Gilbert stared at his brother. "Oh, _fuck_." He didn't think about how _he _was acting last night and had only focused on Matthew.

"Yeah." Ludwig patted Gilbert on the back before leaving.

Gilbert let out a breath. Well, at least he got the chance to mentally prepare himself now. Ludwig could easily be wrong. Yes, Matthew would notice that Gilbert wasn't acting like the same way he did around his other friends – Matthew was observant. The thing Ludwig did not account for was that Matthew hated confrontation. If Gilbert was lucky, Matthew wouldn't directly acknowledge anything.

He thought for a moment. He kind of wanted Matthew to acknowledge the kiss and all the other flirty moments. Then, it would make Gilbert's confession easier and be a sign that Matthew was receptive. At least if Matthew bought it up, Gilbert could read the mood and figure out what Matthew thought. He was always a little worried about pushing Matthew into something.

He began to form a small plan to get Matthew to make the first move, even if it was something small. That's all Gilbert needed in order to actually have a feelings kind of conversation.

* * *

Matthew was sitting on his bed doing math problems. He was tempted to take a drawing break, but he knew that there was a chance he'd never go back to his homework if he did that. He was gifted with a distraction when Alfred, still in his pajamas, knocked on his door and came in.

"You got a minute, Mattie?"

Matthew shut his textbook and tossed it to the side. "I was just looking for an excuse to take a break. What's up?"

Alfred sat in Matthew's desk chair with a thoughtful expression – he never seemed to properly plan out what he wanted to say ahead of time.

"I wanted to talk about last night."

"Didn't we already do that?"

Alfred waved him off flippantly. "Yeah, but you were drunk, and this is serious shit."

Matthew raised an eyebrow and questioned, "Serious shit?"

Alfred sighed, "I'm worried about you, bro."

"It's nice to be worried about in all, but why?"

Alfred spoke fast to make sure his brother would not have a chance to interrupt him. "Come on, dude," he leaned forward hoping his brother would see the same logic, "You randomly go to a party all of a sudden, when you always refused to go out in the past. You come home wasted, which isn't that big of a deal, but I think you were smoking, meaning you were already breaking dad's rules. Then, you were hella vague about a lot of it, especially when it came to Gilbert and stuff. I thought you usually told me shit! And, just, you've been acting different and not in a good way." Alfred let out a breath as he finished his rant.

Matthew crossed his arms, visibly annoyed. "Al, I already told you I was just talking to some people who were smoking. I don't really care for it."

Alfred gestured widely with his arms. "That's not the point! You are acting completely different, and I can tell you're keeping secrets and lying. I'm your fucking twin. I can tell."

"Really, Al, you can tell?" Matthew antagonized, "Please, tell me about all the secrets I've been keeping and lies I've been telling."

"If I knew, I wouldn't be here! I just know that some of it revolves around Gilbert. I told you he was bad news, and then last night happened? How can I not worry?" Alfred paused to take a breath before continuing, "And I know there is more to it, but, God forbid, I cannot figure it out."

"Gilbert hasn't done anything wrong, and for the record I happen to like him."

Alfred's eyes widened slightly, and, noticing the change in his brother's demeanor, Matthew realized what he said.

Alfred spoke seriously. "You think you have a crush on Gilbert?"

Matthew didn't want to respond, but he was backed into a corner now with no chance of escape. He stuttered, "I...I like him… And I think he might like me."

"God… Mattie, I want you to be able to do your own thing, I really do, but Gilbert isn't that great of a guy, and, honestly, I think he is using you or manipulating you or something."

"What the hell, Alfred!" Matthew's voice wavered. Being told that someone who was kind to him could be faking hurt a lot, especially coming from someone who virtually ignored him.

"Well, how do you know he isn't? How can you tell he is genuine? You've been acting different since he's entered the picture." Alfred was trying to get his brother to see where he was coming from, why he was concerned, but he felt as if all his words were getting twisted in the air between them.

"Who the fuck are you to say I've been acting different?" Matthew accused.

"I'm your brother," Alfred shouted back.

"Some brother you are. You don't give a shit until you realize I've been hanging out with someone you don't like. You don't even know Gilbert."

"But I know you."

"Bullshit," Matthew screamed, standing now. He spat, "You don't know _shit_ about me."

He continued shouting, "You are so self-centered and controlling. You've never paid attention to me before. Want to know why I never went out with you? It's because you're a fucking disease that sucks up all the attention. You freaking feed off it, and your stupid hero complex only makes it worse. You are completely incapable of caring about anyone else. You only pretend to give a shit about people to make yourself feel better. I've never told you any personal shit before, so why would I now? You only make everything worse. So maybe once in your life you can mind your own fucking business."

In the heat of the moment, Matthew stormed out of his room and down the stairs. The door slammed behind him, and his stomping echoed throughout the house. Alfred stood in Matthew's room, eyes unfocused. He didn't want to fight. Despite how it may seem at school, he actually hated fighting. He didn't know what to do now. Matthew's words hit a couple of soft spots for him and stung all over.

Matthew walked into the kitchen and took a deep breath. He was pissed. He hated when Alfred tried to butt in on his life, always had. He didn't know what the think, his mind was racing. He… He wanted to cut. He clenched his fists. He felt like utter shit.

He sat there trying to gain control over his emotions. After a short period of time, a throat cleared near him. He jumped, making eye contact with Francis, before looking back down at the counter. His blood was still boiling under his skin.

"Are you okay, mon petit Mathieu?"

"I hate this family."

Francis looked on sadly and silently. He watched the clock on the oven to count out two minutes in order to give his son a moment to calm down. In those minutes, he thought about what had happened. Him and Arthur heard the shouting of both their sons from upstairs. At the noise, Arthur had rubbed a hand over his face. It seemed Alfred was unable to follow his advice. Once a door slammed and one twin bounded down the stairs, the couple shared a look. Francis told Arthur he would talk to Matthew, and that Arthur could take Alfred. Arthur had nodded and walked up the stairs to talk to the older twin.

After the clock changed the second time, Francis spoke, "Cher? Are you okay?"

Matthew had trouble finding his voice. The adrenaline from the fight wore off, and now his anger melted into sadness. He just shook his head no in response. Francis moved to stand next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. Matthew leaned into the touch, letting it anchor him.

"That was a lot of shouting."

"You heard that?" Matthew muttered.

"The end of it at least."

Matthew just sighed in response.

"What happened, mon cher?" Francis ran a hand through Matthew's hair to fix it.

"He was just," Matthew paused. What was Alfred doing? Matthew knew his brother was trying to be helpful and caring. He was just an ass about it. Matthew finished, "He was trying to be manipulative and was complaining about my personal life."

Francis hummed. "That only sounds a little like Alfred."

Matthew clarified, "He doesn't like my friends and thinks they are not actually friends. That they are changing me, and –" Matthew stopped himself before he admitted to his papa that part of their argument involved Matthew's crush.

Francis stood silently next to his son, hoping Matthew would continue. When Matthew continued to stand silently, Francis questioned, "Do you think you've changed then?"

Matthew let out a small chuckle. He had been changing over the past few months, changing a lot actually. There was just no way to talk about it without spilling secrets. Besides, Alfred was wrong and the changes had nothing to do with Gilbert. On his own, Matthew had been trying to get better, to quit the self-injury and just get himself to feel better emotionally in a more constant way. Getting better was a process. It involved research and some trial and error. On the nights he had trouble sleeping, he looked up online forums about methods to quit – some worked, some didn't. He was lucky he always had an emotional outlet through art. Everything was a slow process. There was just more days in-between times of relapse, but it was working. He _was _changing, and it was _good._ He just couldn't tell anyone about it and that sucked.

Francis spoke up to try to get his son to open up to him. "Well, what do you think?"

Matthew bit his lip. "If anything's been changing, it's nothing bad." Francis raised an eyebrow at his son as they made eye contact. Matthew continued, "I think Alfred never paid any attention before and shouldn't have an opinion."

"So you are just upset about Alfred's… attempt at helping?"

Matthew cracked a small smile at Francis's wording. An attempt was right. "Papa, he is horrible. I have good things going for me, and he is just trying to ruin them. He doesn't get it. Life is just not the same for me."

Francis began to give his son some comforting words and defend the other twin, but Matthew cut him off as he began talking.

"You wouldn't get it either. You're like Alfred," Matthew looked away and shrugged, "Things are just different for me."

"Different how?"

Matthew muttered, "I don't know… just harder."

"You're right in some respects, mon petit." Matthew looked up at Francis in confusion. He never expected one of his parents to agree. Francis continues, "Alfred and I are alike in ways you are not. That doesn't mean life is harder for you, you just approach things differently. You have a, uh, certain mindset."

Matthew scoffed, "And you and _Alfred_ have the same worldview?"

Francis cracked a smile. "We are both doers, I suppose. Think about it, we feel hard and act first," Francis paused to gauge his son's reaction, before continuing to try to explain himself better, "You get more self-awareness with age. I know these things."

Matthew sighed, "I really don't want to talk about Alfred right now," he took a breath to continue, knowing it was better to say his thoughts, "Besides, that doesn't mean you have any understanding about how I feel."

"Ah, but I do. I am married to your father."

Matthew gave his papa an incredulous look. "And?"

Francis pet Matthew's hair. "You are much more like him than you think." Matthew let out a disbelieving huff.

"I am being serious. You should ask him what it was like growing up."

Matthew stilled. They never really talked about when Arthur was younger. They also never saw much of his family. He knows Arthur's parents are alive, and that he had two brothers. He still talks to one of them, and gets along decently well with the other one for sure. Matthew used to assume they didn't hear much because Arthur's family lived overseas. As Matthew got older, he realized that wasn't quite the case. His parents would make brief comments about Arthur rebelling or making mistakes or having issues as a youth, but they never gave any details. Matthew and Alfred just knew that Arthur had a complicated childhood and that Francis showed up during it.

Matthew sighed, "I don't know."

"You are always able to talk to me about anything, but if you really think I can not understand you, I am sure your dad would be able to."

Matthew pursed his lips in response trying to imagine the difficulties of reaching out to Arthur of all people for emotional support.

Francis chuckled and patted Matthew on the back, "Just think about it."

Matthew shrugged in attempt to at least pretend he would consider it.

Francis raised an eyebrow and stated, "Now, I think it is time you face your brother."

"Papa," Matthew protested.

Francis raised a hand. "Non. You know that you both can't move past this until you talk it through. I am sure you are both calm enough now to have an adult conversation."

Matthew slowly walked up the stairs dreading talking with his brother. He knew it was something that needed to be done – he had said some pretty horrible things, knowing exactly how to push all of Alfred's buttons – but he still wished he could avoid the awkwardness and chance that he would have to talk about himself.

Matthew's door was open, but Alfred's was shut. He knocked on Alfred's door before slowly opening it calling out, "Alfred?"

Alfred was sitting on his bed against the pillows, legs bent so his knees almost touched his chest. He was on his phone swiping away at some mindless game likely trying to distract himself from everything his brother said earlier. He grunted in acknowledgement of Matthew's presence but didn't look up from his phone.

Matthew let out a breath and went to sit next to Alfred on the bed.

"I was being a dick earlier," Matthew stated while mirroring Alfred's posture but looking at his hands instead of a phone.

Silence sat heavily for a few like a fog before dissipating as Alfred set his phone to the side and looked at his brother.

"You were," Alfred paused looking to the side before back at Matthew, "but I guess I was being a little overbearing."

Matthew shrugged, "It happens. I should have just walked away when I got upset. I just… feel really defensive about everything."

Alfred pursed his lips in thought. "I mean, I get being pissed at me for trash talking your friends, but what is there to be defensive about?"

Matthew stiffened raising his shoulders as if his head could sink into them and he wouldn't have to talk about his feelings with Alfred.

"Mattie…?"

Matthew leaned back and admitted, "Al, I am not good with people. I don't really have friends and shit like you do. I know that's hard for you to get, but it's true. And now I have all these people who are cool and seem to like hanging out with me and it just," Matthew paused trying to find the right words, not quite sure where to start but continued, "I just get nervous that it'll disappear. That they think I'm something I'm not or I don't know, and when you talk it just makes it all worse."

Alfred stared. "Shit." Silence. "I think I've been the dick."

Matthew cracked a smile.

It was Alfred's turn to lean back as he processed the most his brother has shared about his life in a long time.

"I'm always going to want to protect you. You're my twin brother; it's kind of part of the job." Alfred let out a breath. "But I guess I could learn to back off and trust you a little bit."

Matthew shrugged staring at the bed in front of him, he muttered, "I think it's all good, but like I said, maybe you're right and they'll end up hating me."

"Dude!" Alfred protested. "You need to stop thinking like that! People want to be your friend because you are cool and talented and stuff. Besides, some of the people you hang out with are okay. Antonio is too genuine to play you. Same with Ludwig. And Feliciano? He's so nice, and wouldn't just abandon a friend… that means you. So, yeah, some of them are great, and you are in your head."

Matthew was grateful for Alfred's little speech. It did kind of help fight the small voice in his head telling him otherwise.

Matthew let out a teasing smile, "Only _some _of my friends."

Alfred put up his hands in defense. "I said I would try to back off a little. I still don't trust everyone. That Lovino guy has anger problems, and I get bad vibes from Gilbert."

Matthew considered Alfred curiously. "What kind of bad vibes do you get that I am missing?"

Alfred shrugged. "There's lots of rumors about Gilbert when it comes to breaking rules, skipping class, and getting fucked up," Alfred paused at Matthew's look to defend himself, "I know it's just rumors! But think about it, he does skip class and have a big head. A reputation doesn't come out of nowhere. And I just… I don't know. I think it's strange that he attached himself to you randomly, and I always feel like he thinks he knows more than he lets on. Like he is getting away with something."

Alfred shrugged nonchalantly. "And I get that me and him don't get along so some of it could be me talking out of my ass – I am not that unaware. I just want you to be careful. The guy is a smooth talker, and who knows what he wants."

Matthew looked at Alfred letting out a, "Huh." He agreed with Alfred about some of his friends being too nice to abandon him. When he tried to get past his feelings and think logically, it does make sense that Feliciano wouldn't start to treat him differently.

It was what Alfred said about Gilbert that made him think. Matthew _liked_ Gilbert. He was starting to think that Gilbert liked him but Alfred was right about Gilbert being a smooth talker. If he even had an ulterior motive, would Matthew even notice? Alfred was probably overreacting, but it didn't mean that Matthew couldn't be aware.

The twins chatted for a while longer. Matthew gave his brother a hug before heading back to his own room to finish homework. He had a lot to do and, honestly, his outburst and then the entire conversation left him exhausted. There was a lot he had to process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!
> 
> Alternative summary: Francis is a good fucking dad and actually pretty wise


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gilbert and Elizaveta concoct a plan

First the first time in Gilbert's life, Monday took too long to come. He convinced Ludwig to get to school early as early as possible and was the first one in an empty homeroom. He checked his phone making sure Elizaveta was on her way. The previous night, he told her to get to school early so they would have time to talk. He would not see Mattie until their shared second period, but that happened sometimes when Gilbert was running late.

Elizaveta walked in quickly and sat at her desk next to Gilbert.

"Okay, spill," she demanded.

Gilbert raised an eyebrow, "No good morning?"

Elizaveta rolled her eyes. "Don't stall. Tell me everything."

"I'm not entirely sure where to start, but I need some help."

"Obviously start with Saturday. I know you two bonded and also spent some time alone after Ludwig came outside to get you. Did you guys kiss? I swear you're dead if you did and are just now telling me!"

Gilbert admitted, "We didn't exactly kiss… we just talked."

Elizaveta gave him a disbelieving look. "Didn't exactly doesn't mean no. And what did you talk about? I need details!"

"We just talked about some personal stuff that you don't need to know about," Gilbert decided earlier not to even hint about the outside conversation, "but some stuff did happen when he was drunk and when we dropped him off that I need your opinion on."

Gilbert proceeded to tell her about Matthew drunkenly hitting on him in the kitchen, much to the delight of Elizaveta who squealed. He ended by repeating what Ludwig said about his behavior and describing the forehead kiss. Elizaveta looked gleeful.

Gilbert ran his hands through his hair before continuing, "I need a game plan. He wasn't even hungover on Sunday, so he totally remembers. Like should I acknowledge it now? That could embarrass him, but –" Gilbert cut himself off with a groan. "I'm so lost. And you saw how interested in him some people at the party were. I need to do something soon."

Elizaveta smiled and made a show of thinking. "I'm not sure. I obviously think you should just be explicit, but I don't know if you actually want to."

Gilbert glared at her feeling as if she wasn't taking it seriously enough. "I don't want to surprise him."

Elizaveta gave him a searching look. "Come on, I am sure he has some clue."

Gilbert thought about it. He reflected on the times they hung out just the two of them – about how touchy Gilbert is, about their banter, about the time Gilbert tried to make a move at the park, about the time he could have sworn Mattie was making a move on him, and about their conversation on the porch.

Gilbert huffed, "He knows I get jealous?"

Elizaveta raised a silent eyebrow asking Gilbert to continue.

Gilbert waved his hands around while he explained, "I told him about how people were all over him at the party and that West told me about scarf dude because I get jealous."

Elizaveta laughed, "and he didn't question that."

Gilbert replied, "He didn't get the chance. Someone walked outside."

Elizaveta leaned into her hand. "If you don't want to just admit it, then we should play up hints like that. We can make a plan, and you'll get your man."

Gilbert complained, "Why does that sound so threatening?"

* * *

Matthew stood by his locker staring at the contents. He had already switched out his books for the day, but felt he should still be doing something there. Usually, Gilbert or another one of his friends stopped to talk to him in the morning, and he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself now that no one was there to take up his time before homeroom. Plus, he was really hoping to see Gilbert after everything this weekend.

While turning to walk to his classroom, he saw Gilbert farther down the hall looking serious. Gilbert was with Elizaveta – their heads close together seemingly… scheming? Matthew stopped to observe. Elizaveta was talking fast with her hands as Gilbert leaned close listening intently. Matthew wasn't sure if he's even seen Gilbert concentrate that much when practicing French with him.

Matthew tried to ignore the feeling in his stomach. He shouldn't be jealous if Gilbert liked someone – he was allowed to be attracted to people – and Matthew always had a feeling there was something going on between Gilbert and Elizaveta. His friends made eye contact with him at the same time, and he waved in acknowledgement before turning to walk to homeroom. Alfred's warnings about Gilbert played in his head.

He had come to school with a plan. It wasn't a good plan by any means, but it _had _been a plan of sorts. Matthew - embarrassingly enough - remembered everything from the party. He spent most of the weekend dwelling over their outside conversation and getting stomach knots, but he felt a little different when he considered his drunken flirting and the end-of-the-night forehead kiss.

Matthew wanted to do something about it.

Matthew wanted to do something about all the feelings that had been building up in him for months now.

Matthew wanted to make a move on his best friend.

Rather, he _wanted _to do something about his feelings until school shot him back to reality. Did he really think that chanting "be like Papa" in his head and walking up to Gilbert was actually a good idea? Throughout first period, Matthew berated himself. If his friend liked someone else, he had to be supportive and live with his own feelings. Even if Gilbert and Elizaveta weren't a thing, it wasn't worth putting friendships on the line for something as silly as romance. He just had to keep his feelings inside.

That was his train of thought as he sat down in second period, concluding it would be easy. Then, Gilbert walked in.

"Hey, Bridie," Gilbert greeted, rubbing his hand over Matthew's head to mess up his hair.

Matthew smiled with a hello as he tried to fix his hair.

Gilbert sat in his desk sideways to face Matthew head on. "And how is my favorite person doing today?"

"I was doing fine until you decided to make my hair a bird's nest." Gilbert snickered. "What has you in such a good mood anyways," Matthew asked pointedly.

"What I can't be happy to see my main man again after missing him for a _whole _day?" Gilbert exaggerated by splaying himself across his desk causing Matthew to laugh.

"I think you needed time to recharge after this weekend."

"Nah, I didn't go that hard, unlike some people - _Birdie_."

Matthew blushed. "Low blow."

Gilbert shrugged. "Who cares? You were cute."

Matthew looked as his friend startled, but the teacher began speaking before he could come up with a response. He was lucky for the excuse. None of his friends jokingly flirted with him, and he was unsure how to respond to something like that, said as such an obvious statement. God, it made his crush worse.

A folded piece of paper hit Matthew and fell onto his notebook stopping him from copying notes from the board. He turned to give Gilbert a questioning look, but he was staring at the teacher pretending to listen. Matthew unfolded the paper. Inside was a drawing of what was supposed to be him with messed up hair. A bird drawn much too large was sitting in it. In sloppy handwriting the picture was labeled: "Gilbird's Nest"

A chuckle escaped Matthew as he tried hard not to draw attention to himself. Gilbert met his eyes and grinned proud of himself. Elizaveta gave him idea on how to up the flirting without coming on too strong, and she claimed passing handwritten notes was always cute. He was positive she meant in a cheesier and more romantic way, but that's not how he did things.

The class was almost halfway done when Gilbert received a response. He unfolded the paper addressed to him to find a much better drawing than the one he had given to Matthew - sometimes he forgot his crush was an artist. The drawing was of a polar bear hugging a boy labeled Gilbert. The picture was captioned: "Twins because of the hair(fur)"

Gilbert snorted at the title earning a glare from the teacher who taught him last year and already learned there's no use stopping class to get Gilbert in line. He was able to write a short thank you note he hoped was flirtatious back to Matthew who smiled and gave a thumbs up in acknowledgement. Upping his game was going great for Gilbert so far. He had been compared to a polar bear, and Matthew loved polar bears.

No other messages were passed the rest of class. The only notes written were about the lesson, but both boys stayed in a good mood.

When the bell rang both friend gathered their things and began walking to Matthew's class, chatting.

"Why do you always walk me to third period?" Matthew was thinking about Alfred's comments.

"I enjoy the company between classes."

"Yeah, but you're class isn't even down this way. You have to be rushing to your room." Gilbert tried not to make eye contact with Matthew. His cheeks flushed a little, while he tried to shrug off any discomfort from being confronted so openly.

"I like spending time with you, Birdie." Gilbert put a hand on Matthew's shoulder and squeezed briefly before letting him go.

"It's not that much extra bonding time, you know?"

"Well… it's worth it. Besides, you hate dealing with the crowd alone." A breath escaped Matthew. He didn't realize Gilbert even remembered that conversation. He was about to say something when Gilbert stopped walking and claimed, "This is your stop."

"I - yeah. I'll see you at lunch." The corner of Gilbert's mouth rose, eyes soft. "See you then, Birdie."

Matthew walked into his classroom to get ready for an experiment. Gilbert took out his phone to text Elizaveta that he was right: Matthew really hadn't caught on.

* * *

Gilbert continued his version of being more obvious about his feelings for the next few days following advice periodically given by Elizaveta. She occasionally pulled him aside during lunch or when the group was hanging out after school to give him ideas, but both of them had a feeling not much was changing.

The first problem was that Gilbert always was a little flirty with his friend, even before he realized he had a crush. Would it really be that noticeable if a touchy person became slightly more touchy? Or if a complimentary person gave a handful of extra compliments?

They needed a new plan.

Once again the pair was scheming in homeroom early.

"Now, you have to believe my straightforward thing. At this point it's not surprising if you ask him out. The worst he can say is no," Elizaveta exasperated, tired of trying to get Gilbert to admit his feelings without knowing that Matthew likely would return them.

Gilbert hummed in thought. His imagination was not kind in the possible outcomes. He didn't want to lose a friend, and what if Matthew felt like he couldn't continue to be friends with everyone else since they were Gilbert's friends first? With everything he was going through, Matthew really needed friends.

"I'm still not sure…"

"How about a happy-medium?" Elizaveta suggested. "You keep doing what you've been doing, but we just let him know you have a crush on someone and are so romantically constipated it hurts."

"One: Fuck you. Two: How do you expect me to do that with tact?"

Elizaveta grinned a knowing grin, a grin that made Gilbert uneasy. "That's actually not your job." Gilbert narrowed his eyes at his friend. "Trust me, Gil. I got this. You just need to be normal. I'll see you at lunch?"

Gilbert wanted to question her more, but they had to head to their first period. Damn her timing and actually watching the clock during their conversation. He weighed his options about skipping class to harass her, but decided to just wait until later.

By the time Gilbert was sitting down eating lunch with his friends, he had forgotten about Elizaveta's promise.

He spent the first part of lunch talking with Matthew, but soon moved to listen to a conversation between Roderich and Ludwig. Matthew was pulled into a conversation with Elizaveta, Feliciano and the others about a novel they were reading in English. Gilbert could care less about it, since he only ever read sparknotes before tests, but, apparently, the others had a lot of opinions about it and it's girly, romancey nature.

Soon the novel debate was picking up.

"I just wish everyone in books like this could express themselves normally," Matthew complained. Feliciano agreed expressing opinions on how he wanted the characters happy.

Elizaveta countered, "But they _are _expressing themselves normally. Romance is dysfunctional in real life."

"Not _this _dysfunctional. I sure most people could at least explain themselves given the opportunity."

"Sometimes, that's how it is, but not always." Elizaveta let out a devious grin. "I'll give examples."

"Hey, Antonio, do you like anyone?"

Antonio grinned at being included. "Of course!" He put an arm around Lovino. "I like Lovino." The Italian scowled at the contact and attention, while the others laughed.

Elizaveta mouthed the word 'watch' at Matthew, while everyone was paying attention to Antonio's and Lovino's antics.

"Hey, Gilbert." Gilbert perked up an raised a questioning eyebrow. "Do you like anyone?"

Everyone paused. Gilbert stiffened. Matthew looked on curiously.

"Of course. I like Birdie and everyone else… except you." Gilbert finished with narrowed eyes finally catching on the what Elizaveta had been planning the entire lunch. He did not approve.

She laughed. "You know what I mean. Do you have a crush on anyone?"

Gilbert crossed his arms trying to fight his blush. He really didn't want to do this in front of everyone. It was so unawesome, and would put Matthew on the spot if he let it slip.

Feliciano clapped as he exclaimed, "You're blushing! Who is it?"

"I don't…" Gilbert looked at his friends faces around the table knowing no one would believe denial. "Fine!" He threw his hands up. "Yes, I have a crush on somebody. Happy?" The reactions were split between smiles and chuckles and the few curious looks, one of them being from Matthew.

Feliciano grinned. "Who is it? Are you dating? Are they nice?"

"Uh… I don't really want to talk about it."

"Come on, Gilbert, give us details," Elizaveta proded. Gilbert looked at the table able to see Ludwig's concerned gaze out of the corner of his eyes.

"I'm not saying who it is. They are very nice. And, no, we are not dating. Now can we please," Gilbert was cut off before he could say stop.

"Gilbert, did they not like you back?" Feliciano worried. Followed by Ludwig claiming that everyone should drop it. Elizaveta shot Ludwig a look but didn't let the conversation end. "Or do they not know?"

Gilbert glared at her. "Of course they don't know. And I'm not going to say something to someone too good for me. Now drop it, you little wench." Gilbert grabbed his lunch trash and began walking to the farthest trash can fuming. He knew she was trying to help, but he felt embarrassed and hated the whole encounter. Yes, he needed to open up to Matthew, but not like this.

After Gilbert left, Elizaveta turned Matthew stating, "See. Dysfunctional just like the book."

Matthew shook his head at her. "Did you have to prove it that way?" He turned to watch Gilbert walk. Elizaveta shrugged unaffected. She knew she pushed a little hard, but felt it was necessary at this point.

Ludwig addressed her, "Matthew's right. You didn't need to that." Elizaveta gave Ludwig a look remembering that he must also know about Gilbert's little dilemma. "It's not good to bottle yourself up. We shouldn't encourage it, especially because there isn't really anything to lose." Elizaveta was not going to back down from what she believed was best for her long-time friend.

Ludwig gave her a stern look, "You know how he feels about it." They communicated silently for a moment both acknowledging that they knew how but not why, and his behavior made the unknown why very curious.

Roderich spoke up interrupting their look. "And we should all stop talking about him before he gets back." Everyone straightened trying to look busy, while Roderich saved them by talking about upcoming school holidays.

Everyone ignored Gilbert when he sat down save for a concerned look from Feliciano. Gilbert shifted uncomfortably. Worse than being the center of attention is when everyone is pointedly ignoring you.

Matthew tapped his friend's arm. "Want to walk to class early? There's only a few minutes left. We can beat the crowd and walk together," he suggested softly with the hint of a smile.

Gilbert let out a breath, "Yeah, I need that."

They said bye to their friends and walked together slowly and silently.

Gilbert glanced at his friend. "You don't have to walk on eggshells. You can ask."

Matthew shrugged. "I'm not going to lie I'm curious about that whole thing," he accenting 'thing' with a hand gesture, "but I don't need to know, especially if you don't want to talk about it."

Gilbert sighed. "I could talk about anything with you, and that… I was caught by surprise that's all."

Matthew considered the words before stating, "I didn't know you liked anyone."

"In theory no one does, but some people just read me too well I guess."

"You should tell them."

Gilbert stopped walking and choked on his own breath for a moment causing Matthew to smile.

"Going by your reaction at lunch, you obviously like them a lot." Gilbert stared at his friend with wide eyes as a response, the only prompt for Matthew to keep talking. "You shouldn't worry about someone being better. Anyone would be lucky to have you, and if you like someone that much to care… well, I guess you may be too good for them, if they make you feel not good enough."

Gilbert continued to stare holding back from letting his jaw drop at the absurdity of Matthew talking about himself this way. Matthew looked at the ground and shifted unsure about what the eye-contact meant. He took a deep breath to get some courage and leaned forward to give Gilbert a quick hug.

"Just think about, okay?

Gilbert stuttered out. "Uh. Y-yeah, okay."

Matthew gave a soft smile, a simple gentle rise of the corners of his lips that shone in his eyes, the kind that Gilbert loved the most.

"Well, my class is nowhere near here, so I need to go to make it on time. See you later, Gil."

Gilbert was able to mumble out a complimentary goodbye before Matthew turned completely around. It took a moment to process his friend's comment. He turned to look at the classroom they were talking next to. The room was Gilbert's fifth period class.

No one ever walked Gilbert to class before.

* * *

Matthew spent his afternoon classes replaying everything that happened at lunch. A lot happened, almost too much to keep up with. After he got past the fact that Gilbert liked someone, he still had tons of questions. When Gilbert said some people can see through him, does that mean their friend's knew who he liked or just that he liked someone? Could he be referring to Matthew, since he thought there were feelings between Gilbert and Elizaveta? Does Gilbert actually like Elizaveta? The way she acted sure seemed like she knew Gilbert liked someone and that he didn't want to talk about it, but the argument made it seem like she knew who it was. Maybe that's why they'd been so close recently. Maybe she really is concerned about Gilbert bottling up his feelings like she said.

Matthew sat down in his art class early hoping that working on his project would help sort out his thoughts. Feliciano bounded into class immediately after Matthew and began talking to the Canadian animatedly. Matthew mentally smiled, he sometimes forgot he had a friend in class that would talk his ear off. Feliciano began talking about Gilbert and questioning who he could like and how he didn't think Gilbert ever had romantic feelings for someone before, always seeming so aloof.

Matthew took the moment to pry, "But what was going on between Gilbert and Elizaveta? She was really antagonizing him."

"They argue all the time."

"But usually it's like a married couple bickering, not an actual fight." Feliciano giggled at the married couple comment before clarifying. "I guess they haven't done it in a while, but they actually fight fight a lot." He paused a moment before clarifying, "I mean, it's still friendly… kind of. They've known each other since forever, so they feel like they can call each other out and know what's best and can read each other and stuff." Feliciano tried to emphasize with his hands.

"It still seemed a little over the top."

"You should have seen their fight at the beginning of the year."

"What'd they argue about that time?" Matthew grinned thinking it would be something nonsensical but his smile fell when he saw how serious Feliciano looked.

"Gilbert can be… not nice. You might not remember, but it used to be a lot worse." Matthew furrowed his brow. "When he would party? Everyone knows about that." Feliciano waved off the comment. "Not exactly. I mean, it was back when he did that, but in general he was self-centered and stuff. Still kind of is, but he is nicer about it."

"What changed?"

Feliciano shrugged. "I missed what set it off, but Elizaveta just exploded at Gilbert one day. Like they were bickering and then it got bad. She yelled at him and said stuff about him being a self-centered asshole and not caring about anyone else. Things like that. I'm pretty sure that made him look at himself differently and be more aware. Who knows?"

Matthew was surprised. His friend definitely had an ego, but Gilbert always acted selfless around him. "Doesn't exactly sound like Gilbert."

Feliciano laughed. "I'm making it sound worse than it is. He mostly just did something bad every so often. Acting out." Feliciano lowered his voice for a moment, "I think it has to do with his grandpa sometimes. Ludwig told me." Then, Feliciano leaned back and continued at a normal volume, "He's pretty much the same - being awesome and all," Feliciano tried to do a Gilbert impression when saying 'being awesome. "He just hasn't had any big issues in a long time. That's all."

Matthew leaned back, "Huh." He decided to change the topic because he wasn't sure how to handle all the new information. "Well, I always thought Gilbert liked Elizaveta."

Feliciano snorted and then began laughing at the comment, showing what he thought about that suggestion.

They moved on to talk about other things and the conversation slowed to a halt as they began working on their projects.

Matthew really wanted to talk to Gilbert, but he wouldn't be able to until tomorrow. His friends convinced him he shouldn't give up hockey like he had been planning at the beginning of the year before he met Gilbert. The season was starting, so he had practice and games some days. He supposed the night away from his friends would do good. It gave him time to think about what he wanted to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat!


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gilbert and Matthew hang out

Wednesday came, and for the first time during the week, Gilbert met Matthew at his locker in the morning. He had been spending most mornings talking to Elizaveta. Matthew greeted his friend with a grin as they began chatting.

"We should hang out after school today. It's been a while since we got to just the two of us," Matthew suggested casually.

"Aw, you miss your Gilbert time now that you have all your hockey practices?" Matthew pushed Gilbert's shoulder. "Shut up, or I'll hang out with Al instead."

Gilbert mocked offense. "How dare you choose your own brother above me!" Matthew laughed as Gilbert continued normally, "But, actually, yeah it's been awhile. We should go to the park or something, just chill."

Matthew agreed. They hadn't gone to the park in weeks. The park was a Gilbert and Matthew place. When the entire friend group hung out, they never went there, so despite being old and for kids, it was special to both of them.

They didn't get to talk much longer before the bell rang for homeroom, and they went their separate ways.

The moment Gilbert walked into homeroom, Elizaveta tried to get his attention. He sighed but recognized he'd have to talk to her. With a exhale, he sat in his desk preparing to speak, but he didn't get the chance.

"Sorry about yesterday." Elizaveta apologized.

"Come again?"

"Don't get me wrong, I think it was a hundred percent necessary, but I should have warned you or been less intense or something." Gilbert looked at her silently, processing. "Do you accept my apology? I know I should have gone about it a little differently, but someone had to do something."

"I'm not mad."

"Wait, really? Sure seemed like it yesterday."

"It got me and Mattie to talk alone, and I don't know how to describe it. Something shifted." Elizaveta motioned for him to continue. "Hey, I said I don't know how to describe it. He walked me to class, and we just talked. Like we used to, but it felt more."

"So where does that put you?"

Gilbert thought about his words as he said they slowly. "I think that maybe we were going about it kind of wrong."

"So…?"

Gilbert shrugged. "We are going to hang out today. Just the two of us. Like old times. I'm tired of pushing and conniving. So we're just spending time together."

Elizaveta gave him a look Gilbert couldn't read. "I take back my apology. My plan totally worked." Gilbert scoffed, "Oh, shut up."

* * *

The morning classes went by uneventfully. Matthew and Gilbert didn't talk much, choosing to pay full attention in their classes, even Alfred didn't bug Matthew in class. The mid-semester busyness was in full swing with classes already starting midterm tests early.

The attention to school bled into lunch with most of the group calm due to tiredness or chatting about the various classes they shared. Exhaustion from school did not stop them from planning to take breaks.

"We should all do something after school today," Antonio proposed after leaning there weren't any major tests the next day that anyone was worried about.

Agreement rose from around the table with various suggestions for what they could go. Feliciano suggested, "We should see a movie." Matthew spoke up for the first time since Antonio's suggestion. "Sounds fun." Elizaveta looked at Feliciano, then Gilbert who seemed to be in a agreement and then to Matthew who she still had trouble reading.

"Hey, Feli, want to walk to the vending machines with me? I want a dessert snack before the bell rings."

"Sure!"

They grabbed their bags and let their friends know they'd text about making concrete plans or just meet after school out front. The machines were near the back of the school, and they wouldn't make it back until the end of lunch.

The rest of lunch went by quickly. Matthew helped Gilbert look over his French review for the upcoming test. He had improved a lot, but still struggled with conjugations. The rest of the group was mostly quiet all cramming for their own tests or comparing review guides.

The bell rang for the end of lunch. It rang again for the beginning of the next class. The bell rang again. It's ring echoed in the building a final time, signalling that Matthew could relax and enjoy his art class.

He was setting up his most recent project when Feliciano joined him with his own.

Matthew started the conversation for once. "Did you guys decide what's going on after school?" Feliciano shifted, focus solely on laying out his supplies. "Actually, we aren't going anymore." There was a pause. "Just busy and stuff you know," he continued quickly.

"Oh."

"Don't worry!" Feliciano waved his hands in front of himself erratically. "We'll all do something soon. Just everyone has tests the next few days."

Matthew shrugged. "Makes sense." Feliciano peered at Matthew out of the corner of his eye while he moved around various pencils pretending to be busy and nonchalant. "You can always hang out with Gilbert. I hear he isn't busy." Matthew gave Feliciano a searching look. "Uh… yeah. That was the original plan anyways."

Feliciano beamed. "Great!"

* * *

Matthew felt like he was missing something but chose to focus on relaxing and doing his project. He was glad there would be time to hang out just him and Gilbert. He didn't want to start anything at lunch and liked all his friends, but was disappointed when he thought the park plans would have to be canceled.

For once, Matthew got out of his last class on time and didn't need to change out any books from his locker. He decided to surprise Gilbert by his locker. Mimicking Gilbert's typical demeanor with an intent to sneak, Matthew jolted himself to lean against the locker next to Gilbert.

"Hey, Gil!"

"Holy fuck!" Gilbert jumped. Matthew laughed before situating himself in the typical Gilbert pose. Gilbert pushed one of Matthew's shoulders. "Fuck you, man." Matthew smirked still committed to his character. "Did my awesomeness scare you?" Gilbert paused mumbling, "Did my…?"

Then he actually took a moment to look at his friend. Matthew was leaning against the lockers one leg slightly crossing the other. The nonchalance he was going for didn't come off as intended. His form was shifted in off ways, not a picture of relaxed comfort, but still adorable. His cheeks were still flushed from his boarding hysterical laughter earlier. Gilbert's eyes lingered there for a moment, before taking in the rest of Matthew's face. He was attempting to smirk the way Gilbert does, but was having trouble holding the expression, a grin starting to break through. Matthew shifted under the intense gaze of his friend.

At this Gilbert did smirk. "It's not the same when you do it, you know."

Matthew shrugged shifting into a stance that was more him, putting his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. "Could have fooled you."

Gilbert exaggerated, "_Sure_, I like being spooked and mocked."

Matthew laughed at his mock offense, "You like me."

Gilbert's expression turned soft. "Yeah." He shut and locked his locker. "You ready?"

"You heard about group plans being canceled already?"

"Yeah, I got a few messages in the middle of class," Gilbert commenting while looking through his phone reading a few messages. He rolled his eyes at one before pocketing the phone. "Bunch of lame-os. I tell you. But it's better this way. We finally get another Birdie and Gilbert day."

"I feel the same." Matthew stated as he led the way outside of the school.

A cool breeze blew at the pair as they opened the door at the front of the school. The weather had finally started to cool down, despite the sun being out. The town would have clear skies soon, the clouds from the morning were moving slowly to reveal a blue sky. A good day for a walk.

The pair walked in silence for the first block, just enjoying the breeze and physical presence of the other.

"I really needed this," Gilbert almost whispered.

"Me too. I'm glad we came out today. Once it starts getting cold, I don't think I'll want to hang out outside."

The pair reached the park, trees rocking gently in their autumn dance with the cool breeze. The mulch made a crunch as they dropped their backpacks and headed towards the swaying swings. Chains rattled as Gilbert plopped down onto the rubber seat.

"That's good, because my opa complained about not seeing you in a while." Gilbert accented his statement with a short swing and roll of his eyes.

"What?"

"At first I thought he just didn't think we were actually studying when we weren't at my place, but, now, I'm pretty sure he just wants to thank you and like have you over for dinner for making me better." Gilbert's eyes flickered to Matthew's briefly before looking at the ground, then back up to look at the way Matthew's smile crinkled the corners of his eyes.

"Oh, well… He doesn't have to. You just needed a study buddy, and at this point you're doing well on everything on your own." The corner of Gilbert's mouth quirked upward at the praise, but his eyes remained blank.

"That's not exactly what I meant, Birdie." Feet rooted to the ground, he rocked back and forth. Matthew stepped closer, still in his swing, and used the momentum to bump his hip against Gilbert.

"Gil, you shouldn't always listen him. He doesn't get you." Gilbert didn't respond so Matthew continued lightly tapping his side against Gilbert's. "Besides my family feels the same about you… making me better."

Gilbert let out an amused breath through his nose. "You know that's not true." He met Matthew's eyes and kept talking before his friend could deny it. "I know for a fact Alfred still hates me. I can feel the looks he gives me."

Matthew rolled his eyes. "He's full of shit." Gilbert smiled at the tone and curse.

"It's not that he doesn't get me - my grandpa, I mean. You… you actually have made me better." Gilbert's voice drifted off into the wind.

"There's nothing to be made better, Gil… You've always been awesome." The joke about Gilbert's own ego-driven statement did not land the way Matthew was hoping.

Gilbert took a breath leaning back so that his feet slid a few inches forward. He leaned forward, inner elbows hooked around the chains, looking into the street in front of them.

"I know you heard the rumors about how I can get, Birdie. I haven't always been the best person or the greatest son or brother or whatever. I'm lucky to have friends."

"Rumors are what other people say. They have nothing to do with who you are." Gilbert nodded along with Matthew's words, still not making eye contact. He let the silence linger and drift away into the wind before responding.

"There's truth to it. I know I…" He let out a sigh. "I know I've been mostly good to you, but I am by no means a good person."

"Bullshit, Gil." Gilbert let out a frustrated grunt. "You'll have to do better to convince me you are anything less than perfect."

Gilbert bit his lip as any semblance of his self-absorbed mask fell, leaving him feeling vulnerable in front of his friend. Matthew watched his friend, still leaning against him, wishing he could will himself to explain how important Gilbert actually was.

"Tell me." Matthew stated. Gilbert met his eyes, questioning. Matthew's expression went soft. "Tell me what is true. You don't know what I have and haven't heard."

Gilbert swallowed. "I…"

Matthew gave him a challenging look.

Gilbert tried a different tactic. "What have you heard?"

Matthew pursed his lips but decided to be honest. "That you like to party. That you would go hard at every party you could get into. That you'd skip class to do God-knows-what." Matthew paused and it was Gilbert's turn to look back in challenge. "... That you had a tendency to use people for personal gain or just not really consider them, instead just focused on a good time. Alcohol… drugs?" He was unsure about the last one considering that Alfred was the one saying it.

Gilbert swallowed thickly. He felt like the bile of his past was stuck in his throat. If he could force it down maybe it would go away, maybe the one person he cared about the most wouldn't have to acknowledge it.

"Well, there you have it. None of what you said was wrong," Gilbert stated bitterly.

Matthew sighed. "Gilbert. You're my best friend. You know I don't think for a second that that's all of it. Everyone does shit they don't mean and regret, but there's reasons people do the things they do. Even for me." Matthew all but choked out the end.

Gilbert stiffened remembering what Matthew meant by even for me. He could get so caught up in the time they spend together and his own feelings and forget everything that his friend had been going through. Yet, he had the nerve to complain, maybe he really was an asshole.

"No one noticed me." Matthew admitted, voice wavering. "I was always alone, and no one noticed me. That's how all my problems started."

Gilbert stared at his friend shocked. He was even more surprised by the words escaping his own throat. The bile from before all coming out in the form of a confession.

"No one understood me. After my mom died, I felt alone. Not physically. People were around me, talking to me, but no one really understood me. At first, I was treated like glass, but then no one ever seemed to care. I wasn't good at the things that seemed to matter, and it was so fucking frustrating. I was constantly lectured for being a fuck-up that one day I decided I didn't care. Screw everyone. If I'm so awful, I'll be awesome. No one else actually cared about me, just who they wanted me to be. Wanting to mold me into something…" Gilbert growled in frustration, having trouble finding the right words to describe it all.

They both stared at each other - raw. Gilbert took a few breaths but kept going, the flood of everything that had been bottled up forever unable to be plugged.

"Going out, getting drunk, being fucked up. You don't have to be anything perfect. You just have to be _fun._ You can be numb and dumb and fun and no one gives a shit. No one can put you in a box or make you something your not when everyone you're with is fucked up. In those situations, not fitting in and being weird is good and cool. The fuck-up becomes the king.

"But, it wasn't really what I wanted. I kind of… became that person. My friends didn't like me much. My grandpa _hated _me. I became this untrustworthy freak during the day, but fun for people at the nightly parties. I kind of just fell back on all that stuff to cope whenever I felt bad. It'd be like any time I felt like a failure or a fuck-up, I could sneak out the window, do all kinds of illegal shit and be better for a while."

Matthew put a hand on the back of Gilbert's neck and squeezed in comfort. He understood bad coping mechanisms.

Gilbert sighed. "Now, you get what I mean."

"I… I'm not sure what I did."

"I guess it wasn't all you." Gilbert scratched at his cheek remembering his failed efforts and the many lectures by his friends. "But you helped make me better. You helped me learn to value myself better. Yeah, I was trying to fix myself, but I guess I always needed someone to help hold the pieces so I could put in the glue… God, I'm making no sense."

Before Gilbert could shift away, Matthew grabbed his arm and kept them flush together. "I completely understand," he breathed. They stared at each other, emotions reflecting back and forth between their eyes.

"Gil… I… I can't even begin to explain how much you've done for me, but you helped me realize so many things about myself, about the world around me. _You _make _me_ better. And, yeah, it's not all you, _I get that_, but without you around to show me I wasn't invisible to show me that I had this selected vision about the world -

"Gilbert, you make me better, too."

He spoke with emphasis and conviction, the emotion practically knocking the air out of Gilbert as the words cascaded on him. They were facing each other as best they could while sitting on two swings, shoulders brushing against together.

Gilbert eyes flickered around Matthew's face - at the sincere look in his eyes, at his parted lips, at the strand of hair that kept being blown in front of his face, at his lips.

Matthew stared at Gilbert's face watching red eyes flicker around, tracing each part of himself that was being taken in.

"Oh, fuck it."

In one movement, he fisted the front of Gilbert's shirt, and pulled him down to himself, lips meeting. Gilbert was one second behind, eyes wide when their lips met, but closed them quickly to respond, a hand on each of Matthew's sides to hold him still and close. Matthew slid his hands up to rest against Gilbert's neck, holding him down as he opened his mouth to the kiss. The fall breeze blew around them, but neither felt the cool tickle of nature, focus completely on the heat of the other person.

Needing air, Matthew pulled away slowly; eyes closed, Gilbert followed in hopes of continuing the kiss before opening his eyes as well. Violet met red. Matthew smiled slowly, eyes sparkling as he watched Gilbert, whose hands were still on his waist keeping them together despite still being on swings. The pink of a flush always looked more pronounced on Gilbert's pale skin.

Gilbert stared at the gleam in Matthew's eyes, brain still catching up to the situation. He felt out of breath, as if he just ran laps in gym class. Taking in Matthew's expression one last time, he closed his eyes and leaned in to kiss his friend again, this time slower and savoring each moment, committing the feel to memory.

When they pulled apart this time, they leaned a little farther back, letting the swings pull themselves apart a few inches and giving their legs a break from pulling the chains. Their eyes never left each other. Gilbert's chest began to rumble and a chuckle escaped his. Matthew laughed, and Gilbert's chuckle turned into a laugh.

Some sort of tension that had been between them had broken, and they both felt it.

The two sat a while longer, appreciating the good weather - the feel of sun on their skin that contrasted the cool breeze. Their silence was comfortable, a warm invisible blanket draping itself over them, calming.

"I…" Gilbert trailed off. He didn't even know where to start. "Yeah," Matthew whispered. Gilbert wasn't sure if what he couldn't say was understood, but accepted it for the time being.

"We should probably head home soon." Gilbert sighed. Screw Matthew's family for always sitting down together for dinner early.

"I'll walk you part of the way." Gilbert swung and jumped landing on his feet. Matthew followed him, and they shouldered their backpacks. As they started to walk, Gilbert grabbed Matthew's hand. A grin slowly grew onto Matthew's face and they walked a block in silence, both basking in the feel of the other person.

"You kissed my head after the party."

Gilbert tried to fight a blush. "I did."

"You said Ludwig knows you get jealous." Gilbert cheeks were pink in embarrassment. "I did."

"Huh."

"What?"

Matthew shrugged. "I guess there's a lot about you I was missing and just don't understand." Gilbert stopped walking and smirked. "You got time to figure it all out."

"Think you can walk the last few blocks on your own? I don't want to be walking back in the dark if I can help it."

Matthew smiled, "Yeah, see you tomorrow."

They stood in front of each other. Gilbert bounced on the balls of his feet twice before taking a step forward. He put one hand on Matthew's shoulder to pull him into a quick kiss. Pulling away, but lingering close, he muttered, "See you tomorrow, Birdie."

* * *

Matthew walked the last few blocks home in a haze, content, a small smile lingering along with the feeling of Gilbert's lips. Despite his slow strides he made it home before dinner started.

Passing Alfred in the hall he greeted, "Hey, Al, what's up?" Alfred raised an eyebrow at his twin as he passed.

"Doin' good, Mattie. You're on table setting duty tonight."

"On it!" Chores could not damper Matthew's mood. Alfred followed his brother curiously down the stairs and into the kitchen where Francis was finishing cooking.

Alfred leaned against the wall and watched as Matthew helped Francis set the table and chatted with their Papa. Smirking, Alfred observed, "Someone's in a good mood."

"I guess," Matthew remarked with a shrug, grabbing a drink out of the fridge to put by his plate.

"I'm glad you had a good day, mon petit," Francis rustled Matthew's hair as he passed to call into the living room, "Time for dinner, mon lapin!"

Matthew let out a breath at the distraction. He didn't realize how obvious he was being and was not prepared to talk about what happened with Gilbert. He was pretty sure he understood everything that happened at the park, but thinking back, they didn't actually talk about it. Just remembering the look on Gilbert's face, the way his smile reached his eyes, made Matthew feel like they both felt the same.

Dinner progressed like every other average family dinner - Francis teased Arthur, Arthur and Alfred bickered about school performance and responsibility, Arthur asked Matthew about his day… Arthur asked Matthew about his day?

"What?"

Arthur gave his son a smile. "How was your day? Francis was just saying you were in a good mood." Matthew really needed to stop zoning out at dinner. "It was pretty good. School was normal, so I guess that was good for mid-semester." Alfred rolled his eyes. "Yeah like an average school day makes anyone happy. Did you get nominated for that art award thing scholastic something?"

Arthur mumbled that it was too early in the year for that while Francis responded, "Non, he got a break from studying after school."

"Uh… yeah."

"Did you get to do anything fun with your friends?" Arthur asked.

"Just went to the park."

Arthur smiled, "Good weather for that today."

"Who'd you go with?" Alfred asked.

"The usual," Matthew was not rising to the bait.

"Yeah, but like, who's the usual? I saw Feliciano after school, and I thought he was the usual. Someone new put you in a good mood?"

"Some of them were busy, so just me and Gil hung out." Matthew shifted but he couldn't help but let out a small smile thinking about the park.

"Oh."

"Look, I know you don't like him, but you should give him a chance. He's really great, and I like... hanging out with him." Matthew stared at his brother watching a similar face stare back, searching, concerned.

"You aren't the first person to enjoy hanging out with him, Mattie."

"You're trying to tell me you were once friends?"

Alfred let out an exasperated breath. "No, but Kiku used to hang out with him all the time. The whole group." That caused Matthew to pause. The small Japanese boy was a good friend of Alfred's and came over often. He had a bad habit of mixing the twins up, but was still very nice. Alfred continued, "He stopped hanging out with them _because_ of Gilbert."

"I…"

"Gilbert used him and was a complete dick," Arthur cut in to comment on the use of language but Alfred didn't stop, "In the end, he was a horrible friend, but just wanted Kiku around to use him. You know Kiku is smart and Gilbert isn't. He pretended to be cool and nice, but tried to peer pressure him into all his bad habits and was a complete asshole. He can't be trusted, and you're blind to his manipulations. You -"

"Alfred!" Arthur slammed his hands on the table to get his attention. "What did we talk about?"

"Look, I'm not just going to let Matthew make his own mistakes blindly! You saw how he was earlier. Gilbert totally -"

"Alfred! I said stop."

"Let me… make my own mistakes?" Matthew muttered. Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's not what I meant when I had that conversation with him."

Matthew took a deep breath and let it out audibly. He wasn't actually mad. His dad was probably trying to be helpful and didn't understand him enough to be good at it. And Alfred was just… well he was being Alfred.

"I set the table, so I don't have any clean up duties and am just," he gestured towards the stairs, "I'm excusing myself."

Once he made it to the stairs, he could hear conversation resume behind him, likely involving Alfred getting berated and Francis butting in about his feelings. He wished he wasn't so obvious about his crush.

He plopped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. A light buzz took him out of his thoughts and he went to check his phone. He smiled at a message from Gilbert saying he had a good time at the park today. Alfred's concerns about Gilbert, Feliciano talking about Gilbert being lectured by friends, and memories of Kiku sitting with Gilbert and company played in the back of his mind along with Gilbert's confession at the park.

He replied that he had a good time as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat.
> 
> A kiss!!


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things get very... complicated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full trigger warnings at the end.
> 
> An update in time for Friday. Happy Friday, ya'll.

Matthew scratched at his arm as he stood by his locker in the morning, looking around the hallway. He was hoping Gilbert would be there, but he wasn't. Maybe he felt weird about the day before and wanted to avoid Matthew for a while. Matthew wouldn't blame him if he just got caught up in the moment. It could happen.

Sighing, he put in his combination to opened the locker. Can't let fear stop him from being prepared for class.

The patter of feet pounding against the floor broke him out of his thoughts, causing him to look down the hall. Gilbert was running erratically towards him. He tried to stop by Matthew's locker but stumbled and slid at the disruption to his speed.

"I…" Gilbert put his hands on his knees to catch his breath, panting, having run all the way from the car. "Sorry I'm late."

Matthew closed his locker and smiled. "Hey, Gilbert."

Gilbert having finally gotten control of his breathing stood up straighter adjusting his backpack. "Hey, Birdie."

They stared at each other for a beat, shifting.

Gilbert almost took a step and then stepped closer. Matthew, unsure shifted again, throwing Gilbert off. In the end, they stood in an awkward hug, the embrace loose, both unsure.

Matthew broke it, and stepped back, taking a moment to hide his embarrassment by putting his backpack on. Gilbert coughed, the fake throat clearing only adding to the thick tenseness around them.

"How's your morning been, Birdie?"

"Good so far. What about yours?"

Running a hand through his messy hair, Gilbert chuckled, "Was running a little behind, but it's looking up." He shot Matthew a grin who responded in kind.

"Uh…" Matthew wanted to talk, but got distracted by a figure. "Did you tell Eliza that you were meeting this morning?" Gilbert jolted in surprise. "No. Why?"

"She's standing over by the trash can, and I'm pretty sure she keeps looking over here." Gilbert turned quickly. "Son a bitch. Really?" There she was, leaning against a wall behind the trash can. She was on her phone not even facing them. "How did you even notice her?"

Matthew laughed. "The bell is about to ring anyways. Might as well see what she wants, eh?"

Gilbert hadn't took his eyes off her. He never would have spotted her if Matthew didn't point her out - dude had sharp eyes. "I guess." He turned back to Matthew. "I'll see you second period then."

It was Matthew's turn to initiate a hug, less awkward than before, but Gilbert felt a little stiff against him.

"Yeah, see you then."

Gilbert watched Matthew disappear into the slowly crowding hallway, before belining towards the trash can. Elizaveta was on her phone when he approached.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Elizaveta jumped in surprise. "Holy shit! Warn me next time." Gilbert huffed. "Thought you'd see me coming with how much you've been watching me this morning." Elizaveta rolled her eyes and began walking with Gilbert towards their homeroom. "I wasn't watching. Just checking in from afar."

"Uh-huh. Checking in. Why?"

She grinned and walked into their homeroom just in time, Gilbert following behind. "I heard you were happy like a love stricken puppy last night." Gilbert spluttered, "How would you know that?"

"Grapevine."

"What grapevine?" The only person he saw last night was Ludwig. The same Ludwig who had been texting Feliciano. Shit. "Wait, who are you texting?" He quickly grabbed her phone out of her hand and sat down at his desk.

"You're fucking kidding me." Opened was a text thread with Feliciano. Scrolling through it, he saw a picture of him and Matthew talking by the lockers. "Wow, not creepy at all." A notification popped up for a group chat with Feliciano and Antonio. "Now, you really have to be kidding me."

Elizaveta snatched her phone back. "I just wanted to see how true it all was. Even I know the grapevine is just a game a telephone and who knows what Feli actually understood from Ludwig."

Gilbert let out an amused breath. "Communication is shot there for sure."

"Can't blame us for being curious."

"Technically, I can, but I can forgive curiosity. Not stalker photos of me and my… me and Birdie." Elizaveta's face shifted at the misstep. "What happened?"

"A lot. I'm not sure where to start."

"But you're together now, right?"

"Ah, I'm not too sure." Elizaveta gave him an incredulous look. "Yesterday, was a lot. There was a lot of emotion and seriousness, but we didn't talk about it. I thought it was good, but this morning was so strange, I just…" Gilbert waved his hands around trying to illustrate his unspoken thoughts.

"I'm going to need details if you want help."

The bell rang saving Gilbert from having to answer. He stood, promising, "I'll tell you everything later. Just don't bug him about it," he gestured at her phone, meaning everyone, "Please."

"Yeah, sure. Doesn't mean I can't bug you though."

Gilbert rolled his eyes and turned to walk to his next class. "Fuck you."

"You know you love me!"

Gilbert waved his hand about. "Whatever."

* * *

Matthew watched the door for his second period class waiting for Gilbert to walk in. After his first class, he felt less nervous and was ready to talk to Gilbert about everything - or at least he felt that way in his head. His posture straightened when Gilbert grinned at him while entering to room.

Before Gilbert could walk to his seat in the back, the teacher stopped him. Matthew watched Gilbert slump and the teacher point to a gradebook on the desk. The teacher clasped Gilbert on the shoulder, saying one last thing before steering him to his seat.

Gilbert flopped into his chair with a huff.

Matthew questioned, "You okay?" Gilbert leaned forward running his hands over his face. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be late for lunch."

"Why?"

"I'm not doing well in the class because I missed a lot of quizzes from the beginning of the year that I never made up," Gilbert grumbled to himself, "from skipping classes."

"Shit."

"Yep. But, apparently, since I've been improving so much, Mrs. Fletcher made this makeup quiz thing I can take, and I said I'd rather do it at lunch than after school. She thinks doing okay on one more grade should help bring it up the amount I need and that since I'm doing well now, the material should be easy I guess."

"That's awesome!" Gilbert smiled at his friend's excitement.

"I'll just miss your face for most of lunch."

Matthew glanced away, embarrassed. "We can see each other after school or even at the end of lunch."

"Sounds good, Birdie."

* * *

Lunch was different without Gilbert. Normally, Matthew liked hanging out with his other friends even when Gilbert wasn't around, but today felt different. He felt like he was being watched, like he was missing something. Feliciano and Antonio asked him how his day was yesterday multiple times, and Elizaveta kept steering the conversation away.

Eventually, he found comfort in talking with Roderich about a book they were both reading, and Elizaveta left lunch early, leaving his side of the table much quieter. Looking at the time during a lull in conversation, Matthew decided to leave early and see if he could detour to meet up with Gilbert.

The hallways were quiet with all the students eating lunch. Footsteps and words echoed down the hall from the few people moving about. It was nice - calm. Matthew walked with confident strides towards Mrs. Fletcher's room. Gilbert should be done with his pseudo-make-up quiz by now. If he wasn't at lunch, he might be nervous about it and need some cheering up.

The closer he got to Mrs. Fletcher's room the more clearly he could hear voices reverberating down the hall. Matthew slowed, not wanting to interrupt Gilbert if he was still talking with their teacher. As he got closer, he recognized the voices. One was definitely Gilbert's, subdued but definitely Gilbert. The second was female. He slowed his pace again right before turning the corner.

The female voice was familiar, but not Mrs. Fletcher, rather, Elizaveta.

Gilbert said something, the words of his soft voice not carrying enough for Matthew to hear beyond a murmur. Elizaveta spoke with confidence, her normal volume seeming loud in the empty hall.

"I don't get it. You should just sit him down and say how you feel."

Matthew turned the corner.

Gilbert was leaning against the wall, slumping, thoughtful. He leaned his head back to rest against the wall behind him. Elizaveta stood close, almost touching him, a hand on her hip, and a sharp look on her face. Both seemed serious in such a quiet, intimate moment.

Gilbert sighed, lifting his head and opening his eyes, making direct eye contact with Matthew.

He moved fast. Stood up normally away from Elizaveta, calling out, "Birdie!"

"Hey, guys," Matthew responded. Gilbert walked up to him and put an arm around his shoulder. After a few breathes, Elizaveta followed.

"You didn't come to lunch. I got worried it was hard." Matthew fiddled with his hoodie sleeves. Gilbert squeezed his shoulder. "It wasn't too bad, but I'm definitely nervous. Never really cared a lot about grades; it's a new feeling."

Elizaveta snorted reminding them of her presence. To Matthew she joked, "Don't let him fool you. He's scared shitless."

Gilbert grumbled. "Shut up."

She leaned into Matthew conspiring, "You should get him to talk to you about it. He sure won't talk to me." Before either boy could say anything, she told them she'd meet up with them later and left down the hall.

Before silence could completely creep up on the two friends, Matthew asked, "What was that all about?"

"Would you believe me if I told you it was a long story?" Gilbert attempted to deflect.

Matthew countered, "Would you believe me if I said I'd settle for a summary?"

They started walking to Matthew's next class as Gilbert hummed in thought. "She's been on my case about stuff for a while now. Then, I asked for advice, and I'm in a slight pickle that she decided she wants to meddle in… But also I go to her for help all the time, so it's kind of on me too. I just need to figure out how to approach her with all this before she pries the wrong way." He paused. "That didn't make any sense did it?"

Matthew gave his friend a shy smile, still fiddling with the edges of his hoodie. "It started off making sense, but I feel like I am for sure missing something." Offhandedly, Gilbert muttered, "Yeah, I guess so."

They walked the rest of the way in silence. Once Matthew's classroom was in site, Gilbert squeezed his shoulder. "You okay, Birdie?"

"I'm good. Just feeling a little off." Gilbert gave him a concerned look. "You sure? You've been quiet and, well, just a little different."

"I'm fine, just thinking. Still up for meeting up after school?"

"Of course. Have fun in class, Birdie." Gilbert accented his words by ruffling Matthew's hair before leaving for his own class.

* * *

Matthew ignored his brother's concerned looked when he saw him. He had no idea what his face looked like, but his emotions were like heated up atoms bouncing all over his insides - it could not have been good. He hadn't felt this out of control in a long time. Itching at his arm, he tried to take a few breaths to calm himself.

His fingers twitched against his sleeve as he replayed the last twenty-four hours. A fight was warring on in his brain deciding on what to tell the rest of him to feel. Yesterday, was perfect. This morning was awkward at best. Lunch was… lunch was?

The itching started up again, this time partnered with a lip bite. He tried hard to remember everything he overheard Elizaveta and Gilbert talking about, but couldn't think of much. The image of them standing so close in the empty hallways burned in his brain paired with how stiff Gilbert was in the morning. Was yesterday wrong?

In the following class, his mood turned. Having reflected on his day for one whole period calmed him slightly. Instead of thinking of Gilbert and Elizaveta, he was thinking of Gilbert's arm around him squeezing his shoulder, at Gilbert's attempt to open up, about how open he was yesterday, about the promise to hang out again, and about their kiss. He lingered on the last thought, feeling butterflies trapped in his stomach, wings tickling his insides pleasantly.

He could get passed his edginess. He would meet Gilbert first thing after class and clear everything up.

* * *

When the last bell rang, Gilbert bolted out of the classroom, prepared. He needed to meet Elizaveta before going to Matthew's locker. They had started an important conversation, and he would rather clear things up before Matthew was around.

Somehow she made it to his locker before he did, and was leaning against it as he walked up. Closing her phone from the texts they were sending each other, she moved out of the way so that he could get to his locker.

"I don't get it."

"What's not to get?"

"You got deep about stuff you don't want to tell me about, which I totally get. Some stuff is personal. Then, you kissed - multiple times I might add. Yet, somehow, you still feel like you can't just say 'hey, you're my boyfriend and I like you. Let's do this thing?'"

Gilbert gripped his locker. "I'm nervous, okay?"

"What can make the confident Gilbert so nervous?"

Gilbert stood still, silently.

Elizaveta hesitated. "Gil, you can tell me anything."

He swallowed. "All the important stuff that's happened between us happens in these high emotion situations. I feel like I'm taking advantage of him."

"We are in high school. Everything's a high emotion situation."

She jumped at the sound of Gilbert's locker slamming. "You don't fucking get it. I've been lying to him!"

Elizaveta muttered, "Lying?"

"It's by omission, but it's about really important shit I can't talk about. I've been lying that way the entire time we've been friends! Now, we kissed and talked and it's eating me up inside," Gilbert ranted and twitched about needing to pace but holding himself back.

"Gil, it can't be that bad." Elizaveta reached out to calm him.

"It really is." A few sounds escaped Elizaveta's mouth as she tried to figure out what to say. Gilbert continued in the steadiest voice he could muster, "Do you know about the day me and Mattie met?"

"No."

He took a breath. "Do you remember when you yelled at me and told me I didn't care about anyone else?"

"Yeah, I called you out for being a selfish prick."

"Well, I was trying to prove you wrong the day I met Mattie and was… helping him out and stuff because of it."

"I don't get how claiming I'm the reason you got together is a big deal."

"God dammit! Listen for five second what I'm trying to tell you." He grabbed her shoulders forcing her to look at him, hoping he could get her to see his seriousness.

"Matthew was going to kill himself that day. I talked with him and hung out with him to prove to you and everyone else I wasn't an asshole - to prove to you that I was a good person. I helped him that day and never told him. I don't think he knows that I know - that I have always known." He dropped his hands from her shoulders and ran hands through his hair. "And now we kissed, and I don't know how to handle this."

Silence filled the area around them. Elizaveta watched him with wide eyes, all her conversations about his and Matthew's budding relationship making much more sense. Gilbert was breathing heavy in front of her from the exertion of releasing the secrets he kept close for so long.

A bang broke them out of their trance. Both turned to the source of the sound. A notebook had landed on the ground, dropped by Matthew.

He stood there nearby, wide-eyed, shocked, a backpack on his back and notebook on the floor. His chest heaved with erratic breathes. They stared at each other, the world slowing and dimming, until tears welled in Matthew's eyes.

The world suddenly sped back up for Gilbert as Matthew turned and ran.

"Birdie!" Gilbert called once he got to his senses, but there was no response. Matthew was long gone.

Screaming, Gilbert kicked the nearest locker. "Fuck!"

"Gil, Gilbert, Gilbert," Elizaveta chanted trying to get his attention and stop his panic. She grabbed his shoulders.

"Look at me. Look at me. You need to go after him. He probably is going home."

Gilbert nodded along to her words.

"Go." She shoved him.

He ran down the hall following after the boy with the backpack.

* * *

Alfred was right.

God fucking dammit Alfred was fucking right.

Matthew all but blacked out running home. Feet pounded the ground on autopilot while his brain sent half finished thoughts through his head blending with what he overheard in the hallway. Things had gone too far. How could things get this far?

Everything about his friendship with Gilbert was brought into question. It wasn't some mutual friendship built from liking each other, it was one side pity and the other side hopelessness. The luck he had on that very first day was all fake. Thinking about his first day with Gilbert used to make him a believer in religion. The ability to meet someone who shows up to pull you out of your darkest moment without knowing could only be an act of God.

Apparently, it could also be one teenage boy trying to impress a girl by pretending to care about you, by letting things go too far, by leading you on. He never should have kissed Gilbert. He never should have pursued a friendship at all. It was all. his. fault.

He felt dirty. He felt sick. His stomach flipped, bile sticking in his throat choking him.

He all but forced someone into a friendship and almost more. Gilbert was trying to be good by helping Matthew, and Matthew took advantage of that. He developed misguided feelings and forced them onto someone who just wanted to show some girl that they could be not a dick.

Matthew felt used. He needed a shower. He wanted to peel his skin off his body and start anew. His flesh was tainted with his misguided actions and the lies the person he thought was his best friend had been telling him for months. Months.

He wanted to blame Gilbert, yet, it wasn't Gilbert's fault. Matthew was the one who followed him around like a puppy. Matthew was the one with no other friends outside their group. Matthew was the one who pulled Gilbert in for a kiss in the park that day. He could still feel Gilbert's stiff body against him from when he hugged the albino this morning. He felt unclean.

Maybe if he could start over, new skin, new cleanliness, he would be better. Maybe he wouldn't have to acknowledge that Alfred, the one person who had been right this entire time, forgot Matthew the most and cast the all-engulfing shadow he could never escape from.

The image of his house blurred as his eyes tried to focus past his tears. The key scraped against the lock over and over. Shaking hands finally hit their target and Matthew was able to unlock the front door.

The door banged against the wall and slammed shut, Matthew bursting into the house. His entrance was loud and disruptive, calling out for attention, everything Matthew was never able to do.

A barely registered voice called from the living room. "Matthew?"

Matthew choked, "I'm fine. Need some space," and bounded loudly up the stairs, tripping twice.

He bolted into his room throwing off his backpack, kicking his bed for good measure. Shaking and twitching, he paced his room. A quick heartbeat thudded in his ears distracting him and making his head feel full and heavy.

Gasps escaped his throat as he tried to control his breathing. Attempts to hold his breath for three seconds at a time were thwarted by his self-hatred induced panic that demanded its presence be known through hyperventilation.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." He chanted. Pulling at his hair. Scratching harshly at his scalp.

Standing still he began to scratch at his arms. Eyes locked on his desk, on the second drawer from the top.

The chaos in his mind began to organize. He knew how to make this better.

Flailing his took of his hoodie and tripped over himself to reach the drawer in one fast motion. Kneeling in front of the desk, he opened the drawer - breath fast and harsh.

In a fit of knelt reverence, he ran his fingers over the black box before grabbing it and jolting to his feet. Not here. He ran towards the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. Leaning against the door, he slid to the floor, cradling the box.

The room was silent except for the quick rhythmic puffs of air escaping his lips. He opened the box and pulled out one blade. It had been so long since he used this tool.

Not taking his time, he began to slice. Left arm. Right arm. Again and again. As his head cleared. He was forced to face his thoughts. Gilbert's friendship, everyone's friendship was a lie. He was alone and a huge joke to everyone. He was a pitied disgusting thing. He hated them. He hated himself. All he wanted was to be normal, but everyone knew he was a freak drowning in self-hate. His life was a joke. His feelings were a joke. His arms were hurting. Holy shit. His arms were hurting.

Matthew blinked through tears, his breath calmer than before. The panic shifted towards exhaustion. Looking down at himself should have caused surprise, but Matthew only felt indifference. Maybe he really was broken this time.

He shifted and tried to wipe away the still flowing blood to get a look at the damage, but his sluggish movements only made it worse and caused his eyes to water at the sting. The floor was getting slippery.

Matthew swayed. He really fucked up this time. He just wanted to take off the edge, not do this much damage. He wasn't thinking when he grabbed the sharpest object available. In his attempts to heal his own mind, he switched to duller tools - less damage, but required more pressure. Fuck, he wasn't thinking. Can't use that kind of pressure with this. Can't do it that many times.

He swayed again and tried to use a hand to steady himself. How long has he been in here?

I deserve this.

I deserve this.

A bang echoed in the house reaching Matthew in the bathroom. Then yelling. The door jiggled slightly, and Matthew moved to lay on the floor, spots in his vision. The house was filled with the sounds of people bounding up the stairs, tripping over themselves, running into walls.

He could hear voices. Matthew. Mattie. Birdie. Son. Maybe he was dying. And he didn't even get to clean his room this time, a nuisance even in death.

The door opened fast, barely missing him. Three faces stared at him. Their eyes wide. The sound of another person walking down the hall could be heard in the brief moment of silence. The pause turned into chaos as all the figures began talking at Matthew.

He was tired. His brain was tired. Too much had happened. He didn't have the energy to comprehend on the loud words and emotions.

He took time to take in each pair of eyes, able to see them through the spots dancing in his vision. He swallowed a heavy feeling; his chest tightened painfully.

He spoke weekly, but his voice seemed to echo in the overcrowded room.

"Sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-injury, suicide attempt, blood, depression, general bad feels
> 
> Alternate chapter summary: In which Matthew overthinks and overanalyzes things because he was the one who initiated the kiss
> 
> We are almost at the end guys! :)
> 
> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone is at the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings at the end.
> 
> I had this chapter planned from pretty much the beginning, so I'm excited to share!   
The next chapter is the legit end with a built in epilogue that I love.  
Let's do this.

"Gilbert?"

Ludwig's voice was soft and concerned, but gained no response. He leaned against the wall facing his brother. The only sound between them the hum of the vending machine Gilbert was leaning on.

Gilbert didn't sense Ludwig's presence, too lost in his own thoughts. He picked at skin along his ring finger, trying to ignore the flecks of blood under his nail he long abandoned trying to pick out. He had fucked up - majorly fucked up - and was having trouble handling it.

After Matthew ran away, he tried to follow. There was no way he could catch up, and what if Matthew didn't head home and went somewhere else? Instead of following to the house, he got Ludwig and tried to explain what happened, although Ludwig really only got that Matthew was upset. Together, they drove to Matthew's house with Gilbert trying to fill everything in on the way.

It all was a misunderstanding.

Just a misunderstanding.

He should have known his fears would be realized and end up causing the misunderstanding that'd lead to this tipping point.

He pulled at the skin again wincing at the slight sting.

"Gilbert?"

Gilbert let out an audible breath and went back to wringing his hands, the loose skin now forgotten. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" It was as if Ludwig was trying to calm a stray cat with the tone he was using.

"Wrong question," Gilbert snapped. Ludwig sighed and moved to stand next to Gilbert.

"He'll be okay."

"The fuck do you know," Gilbert muttered, guilt eating at him. "You saw how much blood there was. God dammit. And I knew, West. I… knew." Gilbert's voice cracked. He swallowed to maintain composure and went back to picking at the loose skin by his nail.

"Everyone knew something was wrong, East. It's not your fault."

Gilbert stood and began pacing. "I know. I've been replaying everything in my head, and he told me to pretend I didn't know. I was doing what he wanted. But, fuck, it feels horrible to have been the last straw. Like me telling Eliza was the final hit that made him run. I knew he was having a bad day, too. There's so much I could have done."

A hand touched Gilbert's shoulder to stop his pacing. "There's so much a lot of people could have done." Ludwig squeezed Gilbert's shoulder and continued, "He's going to be okay, you know?"

"How do you know?"

"I've been in the waiting room. Mr. Bonnefoy said the doctors told him things were looking up."

Tension bled from Gilbert's shoulders.

Ludwig patted his back. "You should come to the waiting room. His parents were worried about you. It could be good to sit with them. Hanging out back here alone isn't doing you any good."

Gilbert nodded and rubbed at his face. "Yeah."

They walked down the hall to the waiting room, Gilbert following a few steps behind Ludwig. Gilbert breathed deeply trying to loosen the tightness in his chest. He blamed himself, but he also blamed everyone else. Time alone against the vending machine only made him feel like the world was what was wrong - everyone could have done more for Mattie, and who was he to feel so entitled to think it all came down to him.

The hallway opened up to a waiting area full of chairs. Natural light from the late afternoon sun brightened the room better than the dim fluorescent lights of the hallway. The room was mostly empty save for a lone man in the corner, Francis who sat in a chair, and Alfred who was pacing by the window. Arthur was not there, but he could have been talking to doctors or getting something to drink for his family. Alfred's head was tilted towards the floor, and his hands where behind his head. Anyone nearby could feel the agitation and grief flowing out of him. Maybe that was why the old man chose to read in the far corner.

Ludwig and Gilbert walked towards Francis who gave them a reassuring smile despite the pain in his eyes. Gilbert shifted feeling both uncomfortable and glad to be near one of Matthew's dads. He always did get along with Francis.

"I'm glad you boys are here. It's nice to know Mathieu has friends here," Francis's voice was stable but had an unnatural roughness to it.

"Uh, I don't want to intrude or anything, but Ludwig said he thought there was an update?" Gilbert asked as calmly as he could manage. At his voice, Alfred's pacing by the window stopped abruptly.

Francis chuckled. "You're always welcome, Gilbert. You know that."

"Actually, no." A stern voice broke in. All three turned to look at Alfred, who had lowered his arms and lifted his head to face them. His hair was sticking up in various directions showing the paths his hands took as they ran through and pulled at it. His face was full of blotchy red spots that were witness to passed tears shed. His blue eyes, although glassy, held an angry fire directed at just one person.

Continuing, Alfred seethed. "You are not welcome here, because you almost killed Mattie."

Gilbert's shock was replaced with an equal anger. "You're delusional."

"Mattie was delusional when he didn't listen to me about you."

"What happened is your fault too."

"Fuck you!" Alfred belted and bolted straight towards Gilbert tackling him to the ground. They rolled, but Alfred kept talking. "You're a prick that made him do this." Finally winning the physical battle and ending up on top, he threw a punch.

Gilbert took the pain without question, but the fist didn't stop him from fighting and talking back. "You forgot him constantly and tried to control his life." Gilbert was finally able to deflect a fist, but felt a wetness on his face. "At least I knew something was wrong."

Alfred hesitated long enough for Francis and a nurse to pull him off looking surprised at the interruption. Through his shock, he threatened, "I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you for doing this to Mattie."

Gilbert leapt up planning on showing Alfred what he thought of the threat, but his fist only brushed Alfred's face as Ludwig got a hold of him. The two continued to throw insults and threats at each other becoming more and more nonsensical as they were being pulled further apart.

"Enough!" Ludwig shouted, shaking Gilbert to get him to stop speaking as well. Alfred and Gilbert leaned into the arms holding them back, no longer fighting, just breathing heavily. The nurse went to get Gilbert something to clean blood off of his face with.

Gilbert gave a pitying look to Alfred and shook his head slowly. "Matthew is my best friend. I care about him more than you could ever understand."

Alfred didn't respond. He continued to catch his breath while staring at Gilbert, his eyes now looking sad instead of angry.

Gilbert let out a shaky breath and continued, "I knew something was wrong, and I regret not doing anything. I," his voice cracked before he could get control of himself, "I really do. But he said he was getting better. He said he would talk to me if he needed. I thought I was doing the right thing." He stared at Alfred intensely, their eyes meeting, conveying a multitude of emotions between them. Gilbert's voice shook as he spoke through flowing tears, "I love him and thought I was doing the right thing."

Alfred choked, "I'm his twin brother."

Gilbert nodded and muttered, "Yeah."

The nurse from earlier returned with a wet hand towel and signaled for Gilbert to sit so that she could clean his face, and check for damage. While wiping off blood she tried to lighten the tension by noting, "It's not too bad. You'll just have some nasty bruises and have to hold this on your nose for a while." She put the rag in Gilbert's hand and pressed it to his face. She looked at him sternly. "Pressure." He gave her a thumbs up, and Ludwig thanked her before she moved to talk to Alfred and Francis.

The tension of the room lifted to allow a dull calmness to flow through everyone, all energy having been exerted.

* * *

Matthew breathed evenly and softly. He felt exhausted and wanted to go continue sleeping, but a bright light disturbed him, showing through his eyelids. Squinting his eyes, he furrowed his brow. How was the sun this bright in his room?

Opening his eyes, he blinked rapidly trying to focus. The fluorescent-lit room registered in his eyes, and he realized he was definitely not in his room. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to will it all away. No one would believe he didn't actually mean to kill himself. Even he didn't completely believe it, but none of that matters. Here he is. Alive. In a hospital bed. Fuck. He really doesn't want to be forced to explain himself or face his family.

Preparing himself, he opened his eyes lifting his head slowly, ignoring a slight wooziness that accented the movement. His arms were bandaged in a way that put his past efforts to shame. Looking at the IV, he tried to ignore the feeling of a needle, and, instead, focus on the other person in the room.

Arthur was in a chair pulled closer to the bed frowning at his phone. Matthew bit his lip unprepared for the first person to face being his dad. The phone dinged with a message, and Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. Placing the phone in his lap, he leaned back in the chair and looked up meeting Matthew's eyes. Green eyes widened.

"Matt!" Arthur burst from the chair and squeezed Matthew in a tight hug. Running a hand through the back of Matthew's hair he murmured, "We were all so worried."

"I…" Matthew started but was too surprised by the sudden contact. Instead of forming words, he lifted his arm and returned the hug. Arthur pulled back, but still held Matthew's shoulders. "I'm so glad you're okay, lad." Matthew flickered his eyes to his bandages so he could avoid the green, teary eyes of his dad.

"What - uh - what happened?"

"Well, what do you remember?" The tone was gentle, not prodding, but Matthew still felt a ball of shame inside him get heavier.

He muttered, "Some stuff." Arthur patted his leg in reassurance and sat down in the chair.

"You came home from school and called out that you needed some space," Arthur's face looked pained. The shameful mass inside Matthew grew larger at the realization of what he did when his dad was also home. "Alfred came home and was downstairs. You were upstairs for a while, and Gilbert came, asking for you with his brother. Well, he more so barged in and up the stairs once he knew you came home and his brother followed. Alfred ran after Gilbert, and in all the commotion the Gilbert and Ludwig were explaining that you were in danger somehow. I didn't understand what they meant until Gilbert got the door opened."

Matthew picked at the edge of his bandage, testing the give of the professional work.

"Sorry," he murmured

"I don't think you need to be apologizing."

Matthew gasped, "What! I made you worry. I made Papa and Alfred worry. I -" A hand on his leg stopped his flow of fast words. Arthur squeezed briefly as he began to state, "Everyone needs to be worried about sometimes. I don't think we were spending enough time worrying about you."

Swallowing, Matthew tried to fight the tears he could feel building in his throat. His voice cracked as he talked, the tears building in his eyes. "I don't want attention. Didn't want attention."

"It's about what you need, lad," Arthur tried to comfort his son by rubbing his thumb back and forth and shifting closer. The physical comfort didn't seem to do much, but he was always better at words. "And you don't have to make all the decisions and feel all the pressure. Francis and I are here for a reason. We should have made you feel more comfortable talking about how you were doing." This time Arthur was the one unsuccessfully swallowing down tears.

Matthew hurriedly wiped at his face. "I didn't mean to make you cry. I don't want to hurt you guys like this."

"It's fine to cry," Arthur reassured moving to hug his son again.

"It's not though. All of this is because I'm dumb and weak and can't handle all these small things and now I'm showing it by crying like this and -"

Arthur cut off Matthew's rant. "Matthew." Arthur gave Matthew a reassuring look and recited in a short cadence, "Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive."

Matthew paused and then smiled slightly. He had a vague memories of Arthur telling him the quote when he was little. "Where's it from?"

"_Jane Eyre_," Arthur said with a gentle smile, moving to sit on the edge of the bed next to Matthew.

"You used to always tell us that when we were kids."

"And sometimes we need reminding of it when we are older." Matthew swallowed. Arthur brushed hairs out of Matthew's face watching him intently. "Did I ever tell you about why I like that quote?"

"Because you like _Jane Eyre_?"

Arthur chuckled. "You're Papa got me to read it when we were younger. I refused to read romance before him, but he gave me his copy, the nice one on the shelf in the living room."

"I don't get how… what I did relates to papa wooing you with classic literature."

Arthur looked off distantly in remembrance. "That's not how it happened. He may have been trying to woo me, but I didn't realize it. He was just a strange kid I was forced to talk to, and I felt like he was challenging me when it came to the book. God, I must have read it a dozen times before I even realized I could like him." He smiled at the memory; Matthew at the story.

"But that is not exactly why I bring up the quote." He looked at Matthew and pondered how to continue. "I don't talk about growing up much."

"No." Matthew was attentive now.

"I had a horrible time growing up. There is a reason we are not close with my parents and family in general, but that is not the point. They had a role in it, but many things came down to me." Matthew shifted preparing for the lecture of how things were his fault.

"I had needs that weren't being filled: self-expression, a place to talk about my feelings, somewhere to belong. Those things are important. A proper support system is important. I - We wanted to give that to you and Alfred in the best way possible. Our mistake was thinking that just because you could keep to yourself meant that you didn't need any extra help or support, someone to reach out to you a little more forcibly. That is on us.

"I know it can be hard to talk about what goes on in your head and mistakes you make, I really truly do."

Matthew went to shake his head in disagreement, but Arthur stopped him.

"I used to hurt myself, too, back then." Matthew's jaw went slack. He sputtered, "What?"

"In a different way, but it's very similar."

"I don't - How?" Matthew couldn't help the way his eyes darted towards his dad's wrists trying to catch any sign.

"I hated myself so much. There was a point I realized I couldn't change who I was and had to deal with it. But, like I said, I had nowhere to really turn. I was taught to be a proper man growing up and wasn't taught good ways of self-expression or just dealing with negative feelings. Once I realized I was stuck being me, I lashed out. Francis always jokes about my rebellious phase, you know."

Matthew nodded. He did know. His papa loved to reference Arthur being a rule-breaker and a punk. He never realized there could be anything else to it.

"When I was your age, I had all kinds of little addictions. I would sneak out at night and do any drug I could find, drink anything I could find. Sometimes I made it home, sometimes I didn't. I didn't care about what happened because I didn't care about myself or what happened to me. Self-injury and suicidal ideation manifest in many ways."

Matthew stared at his dad, still in shock from everything he was being told. Francis was right when he said Arthur could understand. He never thought they could have so much in common. That there was someone under his own room that might have been able to understand.

"Francis was there to help. He stopped me before I reached a real point of no return I suppose. Helped me realize that sometimes being yourself isn't so bad, that any sign you are alive is good. Just like in the book he gave me."

Matthew whispered, "_Jane Eyre_." 

Arthur nodded, "I kept it through the entire thing. Forgot about it for a while when I was forgetting about all my interests and was escaping through different means. But I revisited it when Francis came around again, and it got to me. I understood why he thought I would like it when he barely knew me."

"How do you get better?"

"It's a long road."

Matthew fiddled with the bed sheets. "I don't…" He bit his lip, but they both heard the unspoken statement in the air. I don't know if I can get better.

"How about I tell you what will happen next?" Arthur proposed. Matthew nodded looking at his lap.

"When you are ready, we will tell the doctor that you are awake. He will let you know exactly how things will go, if you need to stay here to recover more physically, and those kinds of things. We can't pretend it didn't happen, Matthew. You did try to kill yourself," Arthur paused composing himself, "You'll be in recovery away from home for a while probably, and then will have regular therapy. Anything else I'm unsure, but the therapy will happen no matter what. I know it can be intimidating, but, trust me, it's hard to unlearn the voice in your head, and nothing is wrong with help."

"Once you talk to the doctor and feel up to it, you can maybe have some visitors. There are a lot of people who would like to visit." He gestured to his phone which had buzzed a handful of times, while they were talking. It lit up and buzzed again with a message from Francis. "But only when you are ready and the doctors say it's okay."

"Okay."

"It's going to be okay. A lot of people care about you."

Matthew looked at the phone and watched it buzz with another message, unsure he would be able to keep from crying again if he looked at Arthur. Then, he remembered everything Arthur said, and looked at his dad's caring expression.

His voice broke as he agreed, "Yeah."

* * *

Alfred huffed as he dropped himself into the chair next to Gilbert.

"Sorry about your face," Alfred stated staring straight ahead. Gilbert shifted to look at Alfred, still holding the rag on his face even though he could have stopped a long time ago. He raised an eyebrow waiting for Alfred to look back.

Alfred glanced once and then turned with a sigh. "Like I said. I'm sorry about what I did to your face."

Gilbert stretched casually. "I accept." Alfred nodded in response still sitting stiffly.

"Did Francis make you come over? Because you don't have to stay. It's all good."

"I'm pretty sure he would have been happier if I stayed on the other side of the room."

Smirking, Gilbert shook his head. "Now, that's how you give a parent premature grey hairs and wrinkles."

"And you would know?"

"You have no idea," Gilbert joked thinking of his grandpa.

Alfred shifted. "Uh… I wanted to ask…" Alfred's voice drifted off and he looked at the floor in concentration.

"What?"

"I'm not sure how to…" Gilbert interrupted. "Just ask it. I'm not going get pissy about wording."

"What did you know about Mattie?"

Raising his eyebrows, Gilbert leaned back to survey his best friend's twin, noting too many differences to count. "We are best friends and talk about pretty much everything. I know a lot about him."

Alfred growled in frustration rubbing his face. "No. About what was wrong. About what you were saying earlier."

Gilbert narrowed his eyes. "Not my place to tell. Ask Matthew next time you get the chance." Alfred clenched his jaw and went back to staring ahead. They sat in silence next to each other. Gilbert heard Alfred let out a long sigh next to him.

"I knew something was wrong with him," Alfred admitted. Curious, Gilbert looked at Alfred out of the corner of his eye. "I couldn't place it. He was always pretty quiet and to himself, kept his heart close and all that stuff." Gilbert nodded in understanding. Matthew definitely had his walls.

"I blamed you." Gilbert couldn't help but roll his eyes. Alfred shot him a glare. "Look, I get it now - hindsight and all that, but all I was letting myself see was that his behavior was changing and you were around."

Alfred looked pained as he continued talking. "I was an idiot."

"Yep." Gilbert agrees popping the p. Alfred continued to glare.

"Oh, shut it."

Raising his hands in surrender, he gestured for Alfred to continue. Alfred composed himself. "I think that I was confused because I was comparing how he had been recently with what he was becoming. The thing was that I hadn't considered how he had been changing slowly overtime before you, or just how he was before. Always keeping to himself like that and stuff. I'm, uh, reevaluating my opinion of you having been a bad influence and of how much I've actually noticed about what's been going on with him."

"Glad you've finally come around on my end."

"So, what was going on?"

"A lot, and I wasn't trying to be an ass when I said you'll have to ask him."

"Was it my fault?"

"Wait, what?"

"Look, I've had fights with him recently where he said some things, and I want to know if it's my fault."

"It's everyone's and probably like brain chemistry or something."

"Brain… what?"

"What happened, what's been happening - no I'm not telling you everything - but that's not the kind of stuff that's just because of a person or two. It has to do with a lot of other stuff."

At the look of question on Alfred's face, Gilbert admitted with a blush, "When I realized something was wrong with Mattie and that just me trying wasn't helping as much as I thought, I did a little research. Some good it did though, right?"

"Being a hero in reality isn't like the stories where everything falls into place because you had a good intention and tried your best. But just because things didn't work out that way doesn't mean you weren't the hero in the story." Gilbert gaped at Alfred, genuinely surprised at his seriousness. Alfred put an arm around Gilbert. "Real life heroics work differently. I'm glad Mattie has had you looking out for him recently."

Gilbert muttered, "Thanks, Al."

Alfred smiled. "Anytime."

That sat in silence next to each other, not knowing each other well enough or in the mood for small talk. Luckily, they weren't alone too long before a group of people charged into the waiting room.

"Gilbert!" Antonio exclaimed at he ran and grabbed the teen in a tight embrace. Following behind at much more average speeds were Elizaveta, Feliciano, Lovino, and Rederich. The group of people gathered in the empty seats nearby - Feliciano and Antonio sitting on the floor so that they could still be close to the group. Gilbert made eye contact with Ludwig who shrugged as he took a chair. He must have let the others know while they were waiting.

"How's Mateo?" Feliciano asked.

Alfred answered with a quirked eyebrow at how fast news seemed to spread. "He's stable," he stated drawing attention to himself.

"And what all does being stable entail," Roderich asked.

Alfred shifted. "He'll recover."

"Thank God," Elizaveta breathed. The group of teens relaxed at the news. She turned towards Gilbert. "And what happened to your face?"

Gilbert touched a bruise on his face that would only get darker over the coming days. He glanced at Alfred. "Some miscommunication. Also I got punched in the face. Multiple times."

Alfred looked away and shifted awkwardly. Elizaveta eyed him. "I suppose this isn't the best time for that."

"Nope."

Silence fell over the group, unsure of how to continue, before Feliciano launched into a long-winded story to pass the time while they waited to hear anything else. Gilbert noted that Francis moved from across the room to sit in a chair near the group and was on his phone.

It didn't take long for the group to split up more to lounge around, some on their phones, others chatting. The room was darkening as the sun went from late afternoon to evening. Gilbert was sitting in a chair talking with Elizaveta. They relived the day, and Gilbert had taken the time to comfort her about how just because what happened was a tipping point, it wasn't just because of them.

At one point, Ludwig got out and walked down the hall, Gilbert absently noted the movement. He was more aware of when Ludwig returned with company: their opa. Both were carrying a couple bags from a nearby fast food place. Gilbert straightened at his grandpa entering the room. He was not prepared for a lecture, and stayed sitting stiffly while some of their group went to mingle and get burgers. Ludwig must have texted him about where they were, and their grandpa decided to bring them dinner.

Gilbert was teaching himself the fine art of camouflage while watching his grandpa shake hands with Francis in introduction. Francis checked his phone, spoke quickly with Mr. Beilshmidt who nodded, and then grabbed Alfred who was eyeing the burgers with glee. Francis and Alfred went down the hall, and Mr. Beilshmidt approached Gilbert.

"I hear your friend is going to be okay," he stated gruffly taking a seat next to Gilbert.

"That's what they're saying."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not the one in the hospital, so it's not about me right now."

"Although I was talking about that, I also meant your face."

Gilbert touched one of the bruises forming under his eye, having gotten used the the dull throb. "It'll heal."

"How'd you get it?"

"Got punched in the face."

Mr. Beilshmidt sighed, and Gilbert stiffened used the a lecture following that sigh. "I worry about you Gilbert."

"Yeah, I'm a lost cause. Heard it all before," Gilbert grumbled.

Gilbert's eyes widened as a broad arm landed on his shoulders and pulled him into his grandpa. "You have been through a lot, but you are neither lost or a cause."

"You really must be worried about how I'll do once the friend that steers me straight decides he can't get over my mistakes aren't you?" Gilbert spat, unsure of how else to deal with all the emotions spinning in his guts.

"There are a lot of things wrong with the statement, Gilbert."

Gilbert just huffed in response, so his grandpa continued talking.

"Firstly, Matthew, although a very nice young man, is not the sole reason you've been getting in less trouble than in the past. Second, I highly doubt any misunderstanding or mistake is going to make him hate you. You two are too good of friends for one thing to ruin that. Third, I always worry about you, but not in the way you think. I worry you don't apply yourself fully to things like school. I worry you care about the wrong things. I worry about your emotional well-being and that you are having trouble handling the basic aspects of life." Gilbert perked up at that.

"Gilbert, I may not completely understand you or your personality, but I do try to do what is best and want to you be completely well - that means happy too."

"I've been happy a lot."

"And that means I got to focus on making sure you're doing well in the other parts of your life, but it doesn't mean you might not need some help."

"Thanks for offering, but Mattie is the one in a room here, and my face will heal."

"Ludwig was saying that you've been carrying a lot on your chest."

"That traitor."

"I just want you to know that I'm available. I'm sure I'm not your number one choice, but even though we don't get along as much as I would like, I am always here to listen. You don't have to do things alone."

Gilbert resented the knot that formed in his throat. He kept swallowing hoping to keep the tears at bay, but his eyes still watered. Mentally, he tried to deny the kind and unfamiliar words his grandpa was telling him. Then, he decided to do it verbally too.

"Did Ludwig put you up to this?"

"Do you really think Ludwig could put me up to anything, or, for that matter, would suggest me talking to you?"

Gilbert muttered, "Guess not."

"I know we don't always get along, but I do love and care about you Gilbert. I want you to be well, okay, and happy. If you want to talk and feel like you can't talk to me, we can get you someone else to talk to as well, someone professional."

Gilbert blinked rapidly trying to stop any tears, but a few still escaped.

"You shouldn't have felt the need to carry all of this alone. I want you to feel safe talking with me when you need help, okay?"

"Yeah, okay, opa," Gilbert voice wavered. His grandpa took the bloody rag and used it to dry his face.

"Now, go and get some food for dinner. Visiting hours aren't for too much longer, but Matthew is awake, so if he's up for it, you might be able to see him for a little bit before we have to leave."

Gilbert nodded, "Yes sir."

He got up and went to get himself food. He had been so worried about Matthew just being okay that he hadn't thought about what to say to him at all. While eating, he mentioned it to Elizaveta. At that point, he was honestly considering not going at all. Oddly, Lovino was the first to disagree, albeit by smacking him on the back of the head, but it was still disagreement. There was no getting out of it - even his friends felt like he needed to talk to Matthew alone the moment he got the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Light violence, hospitals, emotional conversations yikes
> 
> Not to backtrack on my Jane Eyre thing, but a lot of what Arthur says is based on what the book meant to him and less about the content of the actual book. I may have planned out Arthur's entire childhood, and definitely have a prequel because why not after planning that much out?
> 
> I like to think Alfred's hero quote is him repeating something Arthur once told him.
> 
> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which are characters settle into a comfortable, happy ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end and I'm emotional about it all over again. The first time I wrote this, the end came after 8 years, and I get feels every time I revisit.

Matthew received one last, rib crushing, hug from his brother before his family left the room. He hadn't been awake long but after talking with his dad, a doctor, and then the rest of his family - he was starting to feel exhausted. Despite that, he told his dad he wouldn't mind having a few visitors while there was still time left. Might as well get over being fawned over by Feliciano or whoever was there. He was preparing to assure his friends that nothing was their faults and that it was all on him.

Then Gilbert walked in.

For some reason, Matthew wasn't expecting Gilbert to be there at all, half expecting Gilbert to avoid him forever now that the big secret was out. Yet, here he was, standing in the doorway. For once, Gilbert's presence didn't fill the room. He looked small, fragile; his eyes were red from crying earlier, and his face was bruised. He looked as if he got the crap beat out of him emotionally and physically.

A small smile formed onto Gilbert's face. He breathed, "Birdie."

Matthew felt his own smile creeping up his cheeks. "Gil."

As if Matthew's voice broke through an invisible force that was holding them back, Gilbert dashed across the room and pulled Matthew into a tight hug. Matthew returned the hug, trying to maintain composure enough to not cry - something made easier by the fact the he used what he hoped were all of his tears earlier with his family.

He whispered, "You're here."

As if he didn't hear, Gilbert pulled back and began surveying Matthew, running hands along his face and arms. "I'm so glad you're okay. God, I was scared." He continued until Matthew interrupted. "I can't believe you're actually here."

Gilbert stopped his rambling and leaned back to get a clear look at Matthew's shocked face, now sharing the expression. "Of course I'm here. I'll always be here for you." Matthew held the same expression openly showing how unprepared he was for the interaction.

Gilbert kept talking. "I was so worried. Waiting was horrible. I was beating myself up, Birdie, thinking about how maybe you'd be okay if I was just a little faster, if I ran after you instead of getting Ludwig to drive, if… There's a lot of ifs I haven't even considered, but you're awake! I was freaking out. After seeing all the blood, I really thought… I thought…" Gilbert looked down and shook his head as if a quick movement could erase the image from his mind.

"You came after me. And stayed here." Gilbert nodded along to Matthew's words. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"I don't get why you are here. I kind of get why you would come after me, you're a good person, but not why you are here."

Gilbert let out a shocked breath and went to sit back in the chair pulled up to the bed. "Why wouldn't I be? You're you. You're my Birdie. I'd come for much less."

Matthew shook his head in disbelief. "I overheard you and Elizaveta in the hall."

"Yeah." Gilbert felt his innards tighten with shame. Matthew peered at Gilbert feeling like there was more going on here.

"Look, it's not your fault. I always had my own problems," Matthew said the words he prepared for his other friends.

"I still feel bad."

"Look people do all kinds of stuff to impress people they like. I was just a bad choice."

Gilbert squinted in concentration, trying to understand everything Matthew was saying. "I don't know how telling your secret to someone was going to impress you, even I'm not dumb enough to think that. And you'll always be a good choice - baggage and all."

"I - what?" Matthew sputtered.

"You'll always be a good choice?"

"No, no. Before that. About telling my secret."

"I didn't mean to, and I didn't mean to make everything we have going on appear the way it did. Just Elizaveta wanted to help with the wooing and the relationship thing, and it was getting complicated not talking about it."

"Wooing?" Matthew rubbed at his face. "I'm really confused."

"I'm confused about you being confused if that means anything?" Matthew chuckled at how familiar their banter was even after everything that happened, causing Gilbert to smile as well. After all the emotions they both had gone through that day, it was nice to know things could still be the same between them.

Gilbert scratched at his face in thought. "Tell me what you think. About it from your point of view, anything you think is important. I promise not to interrupt. Then, I'll tell mine, because I feel like there is definitely something to clear up here."

Matthew looked at the back wall in thought, biting his lip nervously. Recognizing the tick, Gilbert suggested, "You don't have to start if you don't want to. It was just a thought."

Waving his hand, Matthew said absently, "I'm trying to think of what to tell, and the order of it all. I kind of figured stuff out after the fact, so it's hard to find a starting point and how to say it without feeling awkward." Gilbert nodded and waited quietly.

Letting out a breath to quell his nerves, Matthew began. "I'm going to tell it like a story."

"At the beginning of the year, I was going to kill myself. I cleaned my room diligently and had this grand plan. Then, I decided I wanted to clean out my locker too. People always forgot about me, and I wasn't sure how long my stuff would sit there and who would have to deal with it. So I walked to school on autopilot, just in my own thoughts. That's how instead of my locker, I ended up in second period. I kept going to class feeling shittier and shittier until lunch. That's when I decided to clean out my locker and head out." Matthew recalled the event with a frown, staring off blankly.

"I got everything together, still drowning in my own shit, then, I ran into a door. That was my kind of luck on the regular, but what was different was that somebody came to help." Matthew glanced at Gilbert who, watching intently, swallowed at the mention of himself. Matthew chuckled remembering the next part. "I was so out of my comfort zone. You were loud and boisterous and asking if I was okay. You thought I was skipping class and wanted to skip with me despite not even knowing me. It knocked a huge wrench in my plans for the day, but I'm not one to turn away a sign when I'm given one. An albino coming out of nowhere to ask to skip school? Wasn't about to ignore that one.

"We had to go to my place, what with my overly heavy backpack and all, and you talked to me. It was so simple, but so good. At times, I forgot about everything. I felt normal for that moment. The issue came when we got home and my dad thought I was Alfred. I'm kind of sensitive to the twin mix-up; it makes me feel invisible and forgotten. Now I realize it probably happened because skipping school is more something Alfred would do, but still. Something in me snapped, and I ran. At first, I wasn't sure where too, and then I realized I was heading to the bridge in town, everything else forgotten.

"I got tackled to the ground and asked to lunch before I even climbed the whole fence. Scared the shit out of me honestly, but, like I said, signs. For the longest time, I thought it was all a coincidence, as if you were my guardian angel and God was telling me it wasn't my time yet. I also thought you didn't know I was going to kill myself for the longest time, but with you tackling and how you acted when you saw my arms for the first time at the party, I started to figure it out. I never really acknowledged it to myself - the guardian angel thing was nicer - but the knowledge was there.

"Everything changed after that moment. I had friends. I had a best friend. I decided to try being better. Things improved slowly, and it was good," Matthew paused. He looked at Gilbert and gave him a small, sad smile. Gilbert sat on the edge of his chair, hands resting on the bed, eyes wide and absorbing everything he was being told.

"I had a crush on my best friend," Matthew shot a look at Gilbert, "but it was dumb because he liked someone else."

"What?" Gilbert demanded. His eyes flickered around Matthew's face searching for an answer.

"We said no interrupting. You'll have your turn," Matthew joked. Gilbert leaned back with his arms up. "Sorry. Continue."

"Where was I? Oh yeah, unrequited love," Matthew tried to lighten to mood, but Gilbert's face was still serious despite the joke.

"I was pretty sure my best friend liked someone else, his other best friend Elizaveta." Matthew shot Gilbert a look at the albino's sputtering. "Still my turn." Gilbert pursed his lips, ran a hand over his face, and, despite how much he looked like he wanted to talk, waved for Matthew to continue.

"It was only a theory at first. Our other friends didn't really see it, but also made comments about them bickering like a married couple. I mean, it's the classic story. Girl and boy are best friends. Girl and boy fall in love. I felt like I was slowly witnessing the fall in love part. It already felt like they had their own secret language that I couldn't understand. What with the way they seemed to communicate at lunch without talking, and how these small comments I couldn't even understand could cause big reactions.

"It didn't stop my crush though, and sometimes I felt like I could do something about it, others not so much. I also didn't want to ruin my friendship. Going out on a limb could ruin everything, and my life was in a delicate balance. A balance that wasn't very stable, considering how much I relapsed, but I was happy enough.

"Everything was going good for someone who almost killed themselves. Then, I made some mistakes. I got drunk and hit on my best friend at a party. I mistook his caring nature for something it wasn't. I kissed him at a park. It was our place, and we were opening up. It felt right to pull him in, so perfect, I don't know if I can regret doing that.

"At the time, I thought things were falling into place for me, that I was being paranoid about him liking his friend, that I did something good. I realized later I was wrong, and forced myself on him." Gilbert started to deny it, but all he got out was a no before Matthew shushed him so he could keep talking.

"It's okay, Gil. I really knew something was up when we went back to school. Away from the park, things felt so stiff and awkward. Not to mention I had no idea where we stood. My friend was talking to Elizaveta in the morning and at lunch, and they were being so serious about things they couldn't tell me.

"I guess this is the part where I mention what I knew about their friendship. They were close, but fought a lot. Apparently, at the beginning of the year, they had this big fight about you, I mean my friend, being selfish, but that it was the past. I was told it was a very bad fight though. Also a lot of what was going on I couldn't be told.

"Then I overheard you, I mean my friend… Oh, fuck it, why am I telling it that way. I overheard you and Elizaveta afterschool. You asked her what she knew about us. You told her you followed me the first day to show you that you could be a better person and stuff. You were telling her how things had gone too far between us and were probably about to ask how to end it all without hurting me when I freaked out."

Matthew looked at his hands, a few tears fell despite how much he had already cried that day. It felt more pathetic when everything was laid out like that.

"I was so dumb. I thought pure luck brought us together. I thought we had this thing and were becoming a thing. I was projecting. I should have known no one would want me like that. I was so so dumb. I should have realized if you knew what was wrong with me the entire time that you would feel obligated to treat me a certain way and not hurt me."

Gilbert shook his head in disbelief. "You couldn't be more wrong if you tried."

"You don't have to keep being nice, Gil. It's not your fault."

"Stop that self-pity crap. It doesn't look good on you."

"But -"

Gilbert held up a hand to stop him and stated, "It is my turn to talk. I held myself back while you talked, and you have no idea how fucking hard that was, so it is my turn to tell the story. And I do not feel bad for showing you how you are so wrong it hurts."

He continued quickly, before Matthew could speak up again like his face was indicating. "I'll start by clearing up the most important thing. I do not like Elizaveta. There is no secret crush or any crush at all. She's like my sister, and that's disgusting."

Matthew breathed, "What?"

Gilbert smirked. "I wasn't lying when I said you were very wrong. But, uh, I guess there's a lot more to clear up too, so I'll also start from the beginning. I just wanted you to know off the bat that none of that was true."

Matthew shook his head in disbelief. He wanted to talk. He had so many questions, but Gilbert shot him a look that silenced him.

"You were right earlier. It is hard to figure out the best way to explain it." He bit his lip. "Okay." He clapped and leaned forward. "The very first day. You walked into second period late, and I saw you. Like I really saw you for the first time. I usually skip, as seen by how I had to do that makeup quiz, or zone out in that class. But when you came in late, I got the chance to actually see you. You have no idea how cute you are, do you Birdie?" Gilbert shot his friend a smirk trying to keep the tone light and avoid the upcoming heavy topics. A blush spread across Matthew's cheeks.

Gilbert sighed, "You also looked sad. I guess I never really liked how you look when you're sad. I feel it in my chest." He patted himself twice. "I wanted to talk to you after class, but didn't get the chance. I was avoiding everyone at lunch later. Just having an off day and some shitty luck. Not to mention that things were still kind of tense with some of my friends from that beginning of the year fight you mentioned. I was doing the thing where I try to be really good but get angsty about it, you know.

"But my luck changed, because who did I see walking down the hall but the cute kid from second period. I tried calling out to you, but I didn't know your name, so I guess you didn't hear. Then you ran into that door." Gilbert chuckled at the memory.

"I was thinking, 'Oh my God. Here is my chance to be impressive.' I'm not going to lie, I was also thinking about how Elizaveta told me I was a pompous, self-absorbed ass, and I was thinking how I could prove not really her wrong, but more myself. The whole thing felt like a sign that she was right, and I was given a chance to be a better person. A cute guy happens to need a little cheering up on a bad day right after I get lectured about helping others? That seemed like a sign to me."

They shared a look at Gilbert repeating what Matthew had said earlier. His eyes softened as he tried to convey his feelings in his face. "I still believe it, you know." Matthew took a slow, deep breath, eye still locked on Gilbert's.

Gilbert continued, "I got attached to you fast, if you couldn't tell. I really did think you were skipping, and I just wanted to have fun with you. I didn't realize what was going down until you ran off. God, I exploded on Arthur. I can't believe he lets me hang around. I called him a bastard and all kinds of stuff."

"You _what_?" Matthew exclaimed. He knew they said some harsh words, but not quite what Gilbert was saying.

Gilbert scratched behind his head admitting, "Yeah, I called him a bushy-eyed bastard I think? Then I said he was a horrible father or something. I don't really remember all of what I said versus what I was thinking, but I did yell some insults."

"You really don't do things halfway."

"I absolutely do not. Now, it's still my turn so shush." Matthew mimed zipping his mouth shut.

"He took the insults, because he felt like shit. Uh, then Francis came, and I saw them kissing. That's not important to the story, but it helped me rationalize trying to woo you later on. I knew you wouldn't get homophobic or anything. But that's not the point!

"I, uh, I also snooped through your room. I never told you about it, but I did. I was hoping that I'd get some sort of clue about where you went. I found your razor blades," his voice drifted to a murmur. Matthew fiddled with the sheets, not meeting his eyes. "I got really worried, and felt out of my element. When we all split up to go looking for you, I wanted to go into town to where the bridge was and had Francis drop me off while he drove to the rink. I showed the blades to Francis, but I felt like he didn't think that you'd do that. Despite that, I still had a gut feeling.

"I still remember seeing you on the bridge. Just like in the hall, I tried calling to you, and you didn't hear. I panicked, sprinted, and tackled you to the ground. I wasn't sure how you'd take the whole snooping in your room thing, so I just pretended nothing was wrong. We had a great lunch and the start to a friendship.

"I spent a long time debating telling you what I knew and asking you about the blades, but I just couldn't figure out how to do it. The closer we got, the harder it got. Sometimes I forgot about it completely and didn't think it was important anymore. I mean, you were alive and seemed mostly okay. It didn't start eating at me more until I really wanted to make a move

"Which was early, by the way. I wanted to get with you pretty early and spent way to long just biding my time." He met Matthew's surprised expression. "You didn't realize it, did you?"

Matthew shook his head no and Gilbert chuckled. "We are both so clueless. I've liked you for a long time, and put off doing anything about it for a long time. First, I wanted you to be okay and have other stable friendships. Then, I got it in my head that maybe you weren't gay, and wouldn't that be awkward? Elizaveta told me off about that one pretty quick. A lot of waiting came down to me not wanting to risk our friendship and loose you. I don't know what would have happened if I fucked up and lost you."

A silence filled the room as they both took in the extent of what Gilbert was saying. Matthew blinked quickly feeling his eyes begin to water. Gilbert sighed and continued talking.

"But, uh, I'm starting to skip around. Basically, I liked you and was unsure about you liking me. I would talk to Elizaveta about it a lot. For a while, I told her to leave it alone. There's a good chance all that secret language stuff you talked about was her teasing me about liking you.

"There's a lot to say about feelings and times I thought you were reciprocating, but that's less important. Basically, I like you, and we talked about stuff I don't talk about with anyone, and things felt so perfect at times I didn't want to risk something that awesome.

"A lot changed after the first time we went to the park together. I don't know if you remember, but we talked about our families. I never felt like someone understood me as much as you did in that moment. After you got the call and left, that's when I knew I was completely screwed. The next morning, I admitted to Elizaveta that I had feelings for you and wanted her help doing something about it.

"We didn't really do much at first. The plan was to scope things out, and then, to slowly hint at me being available and interested. It didn't work very well, but I was still worried about risking our friendship or pressuring you, since we were so close and you kind of met everyone else through me.

"The tipping point may have been the party, I think. I mean, I was already trying to woo you, and Elizaveta was helping a little. She approved my clothes that night and never stopped harassing me about how you were tutoring me in French, because she tricked me into admitting that I thought it was hot when you spoke French." Gilbert closed his eyes for a moment realizing he was rambling and admitting to some unawesome things. When he opened them Matthew was blushing.

"How did I not realized that?" Matthew was dumbfounded. He was nervous and hating himself when Gilbert was experiencing all that? The world was very different from someone else's eyes apparently.

Gilbert shrugged. "I'm awesome and didn't want you to know, but, let's forget about me oversharing and get back to the main point."

"At the party I was already pretty set on trying to get you to fall in love with me, which now feels a little ridiculous in hindsight knowing that you felt the same, but it is what it is. That night I finally figured out that you might be capable of feeling the same, what with the way you were all over me." Gilbert smirked.

Matthew ran his hands over his face, groaning, "Oh God."

"Don't worry. It was adorable, and a good night. I got confidence in my own feelings and ability to woo you. Like always, we got deep in the weirdest moment, but that also helped me. After talking outside, I felt like I didn't need to confess what all I knew and about the first day we met. Now, i realize I was dumb, but in that moment, it felt like we were on the same page.

Gilbert began speaking faster to change the topic to something lighter once he saw the broken look on Matthew's face.

"Then, at the end of the night I kissed you on the forehead, and Ludwig of all people was the one to point out that that was a more than a friend kind of move. That's why I was hanging out with Elizaveta so much after that night - I wanted to be prepared in case you confronted me.

"You never did force the issue, so I kept with the plan of trying to get together using Elizaveta's help. Like the day we fought at lunch about having a crush? It was about you, but I was mad she didn't tell me what she was doing beforehand and it it felt like it would have cornered you to admit it in front of everyone else.

"But it was all okay, because we hung out at the park. I was telling you how important you were to me, and, suddenly, you were saying it back. Then, you were kissing me. God, it was amazing. Everything about that afternoon was amazing."

Gilbert paused reveling in the memory of a good day. Thinking of what to say next, his eyes began to water.

"Next time I saw you, I was nervous. We didn't talk about what any of it meant, and I still didn't want to pressure you or anything. I wanted to play it cool. I mean, everyone knew something happened because Ludwig told Feli I came home happy, but still. It seemed like you were having an off day, too."

Gilbert looked at his hands and murmured, "I knew you were having an off day."

"Suddenly, I started worrying about everything from before, about how I knew all about the suicide attempt and the blades. I felt like I was using you. Elizaveta couldn't understand why I wasn't being straightforward with you about what I wanted relationship-wise. After school, I was telling her about everything that scared me. I thought that since all our big confessions happened in these high emotion times and with everything I knew, that I was manipulating you or something. I never wanted to hurt you."

Gilbert wiped his face, unsure of when he actually started crying.

Matthew spoke up softly, "You were explaining why you had to be careful? ...and thought I didn't like you?"

"I don't know. I was worried you would feel obligated or that I was making you like me because of the way everything progressed. I guess it's kind of dumb thinking about it now."

"It's nice to be cared for."

"Some good it did," Gilbert muttered.

"Gilbert, are you blaming everything on yourself?"

Wincing at the accusation, Gilbert admitted, "I'm trying not to?"

Matthew sighed, "Well, at least you're being honest." He shifted in the bed so sit up more. "It's not by the way."

"I know. It's just still fresh, and I have to come to terms with it."

Matthew nodded then scooted over more and patted the bed for Gilbert to sit next to him. Once Gilbert sat down, Matthew dried his cheeks with his hands. Gilbert closed his eyes and let out a breath composing himself.

Matthew stated, "I can't believe how dumb we are."

"I can believe how dumb I am, but you're my tutor." Gilbert opened his eyes to meet Matthew's.

Matthew cracked a small smile one hand still on Gilbert's cheek. "The world is crazy, eh?"

"Very."

Matthew began tracing his fingers across Gilbert's face. "What happened to your face? I wasn't out long enough for you to get into that much trouble."

"Ah, well, Alfred is stronger than he looks."

"Alfred did this?"

"It's okay. We worked it out."

"Really?" Matthew said incredulously.

"Apparently, all we needed was a few punches and a little yelling to get along."

"I've missed so much."

"Not really." Gilbert shifted and grabbed the hand Matthew was resting on the bed. "Everyone is just happy that you're okay and was really worried."

"I never meant to make people worry."

"Birdie, everyone needs to have people worry about them. That's how caring works. Besides, I've been worrying for a long time." Gilbert began to rub his thumb back and forth on Matthew's hand.

"You've always liked me haven't you?"

Gilbert licked his lips. "Yes."

"This whole time you've been trying to woo me?"

Gilbert swallowed. "Yes."

"And the entire time I also was freaking out thinking I had an unrequited crush?"

Gilbert's lips twitched. "Apparently."

"And even though you were trying to woo me, I was the one who made a move and initiated a kiss."

"Birdie, you're just awesome that way."

"Gill," Matthew paused searching his friend's face. "I'm trying to ask you to kiss me."

Gilbert's eyes widened. "Oh."

Matthew's lips twitched. "So?"

A grin grew on Gilbert's face rivaling the one on Matthew's. He leaned down and kissed Matthew. Slowly, he slid his hands so that one was resting on Matthew's hip and the other holding himself up so that they could kiss comfortably while sitting side by side. Matthew moved the hand that was on Gilbert's face to run it through his hair and pull Gilbert closer.

They pulled apart slowly, eyes meeting. Matthew could feel Gilbert's heavy breath ghost across his lips.

"Birdie…" Matthew hummed in acknowledgement. Gilbert swallowed; his eyes shifted to appear more serious, more intense. Matthew bit his lip. Gilbert's eyes flickered between Matthew's lips and his gaze.

"I, um, Birdie, I lo -" Matthew covered Gilbert's mouth with his hand stopping any sound or confession from coming out.

Matthew gave Gilbert a sheepish look. "Let's not say anything like that here, on this day. Like you said, high emotions and all."

Slowly, Matthew lowered his hand from Gilbert's face revealing a partially opened mouth.

"One day I'll have good timing," Gilbert joked.

"We have a lot of time to work on it." Gilbert grinned at Matthew's statement, understanding the unsaid.

"For the time being, I'm just going to do this." He leaned in and kissed Matthew for a second time - this time faster and more forceful, the delicacy of their earlier kiss no longer needed.

A squeal broke through the mostly silent hospital room. Matthew jumped away from Gilbert as much as he was capable of jumping away while sitting on the bed. Both boys turned towards the door and the source on the sound in one fast movement.

In the doorway, Elizaveta stood looking absolutely gleeful. To her left Feliciano was looking on with a similar expression. Antonio stood behind the two looking just as happy. Their remaining friends - Ludwig, Roderich, and Lovino - stood farther back purposely looking away from the scene in front of them.

"This is a lot of people for one room," Matthew commented unsure of how to handle this new development.

Feliciano ran forward to hug Matthew talking a mile a minute. "I'm so glad you're okay. We were all worried." On and on and on.

Elizaveta was still grinning. "I'm glad you guys worked everything out."

The rest of the group began verbalizing their affirmations, mostly focusing on how they were glad Matthew was okay. As the group began to lull in talking Matthew commented, "This is a little overwhelming."

Roderich crossed his arms and looked at his friends. "I told you coming in at one time was a bad idea."

Antonio retorted, "Well, we couldn't decide on an order, and visiting hours aren't for much longer."

Ludwig met Matthew's eyes and nodded minutely. Then, he ordered, "Let's let Matthew have some time to himself. We can visit tomorrow or later on." Matthew smiled and mouthed a small thank you to Ludwig.

As the group of teens said their goodbyes and feel betters, Ludwig gestured them out of the room leaving just Gilbert and Matthew behind alone once again.

Gilbert stood and smirked. "Told you everyone was worried."

"I, uh, yeah."

"I'll head out too. Maybe let your family hang out with you some more. And I'll make sure they don't bombard you again. Ludwig will help."

Relief spread through Matthew. "Thanks. I'm exhausted, and that was a lot."

Gilbert turned to leave, but paused. He turned around swiftly, walked up to Matthew, and pecked him on the lips briefly. "This is a thing."

Matthew looked on with wide eyes.

Gilbert continued, "We have a thing - a romantic thing. You can think of a label or wait for one, but I don't want to leave without reassuring you that I have feelings, and we have a thing. Not making that mistake twice."

Smiling, Matthew agreed, "We do indeed have a romantic thing."

"Awesome."

They stared at each other for a moment.

"Make sure my family keeps you updated on all this." Matthew gestured to the room.

"I'll harass them. Promise."

Matthew nodded and bit his lip. Gilbert leaned forward to kiss his cheek and ruffle his hair.

"See you soon, Birdie."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Gilbert left the room. Matthew leaned back in bed, utterly exhausted. His feelings were still a whirlwind, and he wanted to get his head on straight before being transferred the next day.

For once, he felt confident in the positive changes on the horizon.

* * *

_Mid-May: Roughly 7 Months Later_

At the sound of the car door opening, Arthur put down the book he was reading. Matthew closed the door behind him and began fiddling with the seatbelt which somehow was always tangled.

"Did you have a good session?" Arthur asked already putting the car into drive.

"It was average, but average recently has been good. So yes."

Arthur smiled reassuringly. "That's good to hear. Did she say anything else about the medication?"

Matthew shrugged. "Nothing really. It's working and no more side effects, so I'm staying on the same dosage."

"Great."

"Yeah. She also told me I should be more proud of how my school year ended up considering," Matthew admitted, finally at a point where he felt comfortable sharing with his dad.

Arthur eyed his son. "You should. Missing so much school at the end of the first semester and being able to still finish the year is a big accomplishment."

"I guess. Just sucked because of how my grades turned out."

"It won't matter. You showed you were an amazing student by finishing, and if you're worried about colleges you'll mention it in the application. I can show you how."

Matthew raised an eyebrow. "I'm always learning something about you."

Arthur shrugged. "I'm full of parental knowledge. Now all I have to do is get Alfred to listen too."

Matthew laughed at the jab at his twin. In the past, a comment like that would make him feel lesser. Now, he's learned to accept the split attention better. It's slow going some days but good.

"Francis said he'll have time to make snacks for your friends, so we don't have to stop by the store anymore. Maybe we'll actually get there before you're friends do. Because God forbid they ever show up a few minutes late."

"Ludwig keeps them on time."

"That he does."

Arthur leaned over to turn up the music that beforehand was just a muffled thrum of guitar riffs and vocals. In an attempt to bond more, Arthur had been sharing more of his interests with Matthew. Oddly enough, it came in the form Arthur sharing old punk music that Matthew would never believe his dad still listened to or listened to ever at all. It was nice being able to see multiple sides of Arthur. Somehow, learning that his strict father was so multifaceted helped Matthew come to term with the complexities of himself.

Matthew leaned back and closed his eyes, letting the offbeat drumming and wailing vocals flow over him - who knew such a thrashing of instruments could be relaxing? He needed to get out of post-therapy headspace and into a social one.

Normally, he had more time to himself post-session, but he had to reschedule for a Thursday since his exam schedule made things weird. Plans for an end-of-the-year party had been made long before the change, so he just had to accept it. At least this session wasn't as emotionally grueling as the earlier ones, and being social was just a bar-b-q as his own house.

He still believed Francis wanted to host a little get together to celebrate Matthew actually finishing and to be some sort of idealized version of how the end of the year could be a new start for him, especially since it was for Matthew's friend group, and Alfred was only inviting one friend. Francis was a romantic that way.

When they pulled into the driveway, an extra car was parked on the street.

"It is 4:50, and we said 5:00 didn't we?"

Matthew hid a grin. "Yep."

Arthur groaned. "Please tell your friends that 5:00 means 5:00 and showing up fifteen minutes early is not actually polite. That is a myth."

"Next time, say it starts at 5:15."

"Sassing makes you sound like your papa." Matthew laughed at they got out of the car.

He used his own key to unlock the front door with Arthur not far behind. Matthew paused noting that the tightness in his gut that sometimes manifested before large social events was absent. It would be a good evening.

Inside, the two of them followed the sound of voices into the kitchen. Francis was busy taking food out of the oven. Feliciano had been put to work stirring something, likely for a dessert, with the help of Ludwig, who looked awkward. Lovino was sitting on the counter, eating a handful of chips and glaring at Ludwig.

Matthew smiled at his friends already figuring out how the three of them ended up here: Feliciano wanting to help cook, forcing Ludwig to participate, and Lovino not wanting to leave the two of them alone even if Francis was there.

"Matthew!" Both Francis and Feliciano greeted.

"Hey, guys," Matthew greeted everyone in the kitchen.

Arthur walked around Matthew to put his bag on the counter, receiving a quick cheek-kiss from Francis. "Ludwig, tip for the future. Gentlemen show up on time, not early."

A dust of pink showed on Ludwig's cheek. "We were worried about traffic."

Arthur huffed but his lips still quirked in amusement. "Sure. And where's the rest of the crew?" Arthur addressed Ludwig in a way that everyone knew that by crew he meant Gilbert.

Francis shot Matthew a grin and winked. "He wanted to wait upstairs in Matthew's room since he wasn't interested in cooking."

"And you decided that was okay?"

Francis shrugged nonchalantly faking indifference. "Didn't see a problem with it. If Matthew doesn't want to help cook either he can go up there." Arthur's eyebrow twitched.

Matthew shifted his weight from one foot to the other and bit his lip to hide his smile. This was a debate that had been happening for a while now. At this point, he was surprised neither of them have caved on their views, but, knowing his parents, the bickering was some sort of pseudo-flirting.

The debate came down to allowing Matthew to be alone with his boyfriend in a bedroom setting. To Matthew the disagreement was moot considering that he spent tons of time with Gilbert alone before they officially dated. He supposed it mattered more when Francis was your dad and liked the idea of pushing you together in as many romantic situations as possible. Though if he did that because he didn't care about any possible physical closeness between his son and his son's boyfriend or because he liked to harass Arthur "if you're going to be in your room, you better keep that door wide open" Kirkland, Matthew hadn't the slightest clue.

While both of his parents bickered about the appropriateness of letting romantically involved teenagers sit alone in a bedroom, Matthew spoke up. "I'm going to see what Alfred is up to." Before anyone could stop him, he left the kitchen and began climbing the stairs.

Alfred's voice distinctly carried out of the first room on the left once Matthew made it to the top of the stairs. He leaned in the doorway. Alfred was sitting on the floor next to his friend Kiku, and Elizaveta was lounging on the coach behind them, watching the TV intently and shaking Kiku's shoulder in excitement.

"Hey." Matthew tried to speak up to get their attention but his voice barely carried at all. Instead of walking away, he cleared his throat and tried again. "Hey, guys!"

"Mattie!" Alfred flung his hands in the air in excitement.

Elizaveta exclaimed, "You have to see this game Kiku has!"

Matthew took a few steps in to peer at the screen. From the artwork alone, he could tell it was some sort of Japanese dating sim - something he understood Elizaveta and Kiku being into but not Alfred.

As if reading his thoughts, Alfred explained, "It looks cute, but is very spooky."

Addressing Kiku, Matthew questioned, "Showing Alfred a 'spooky' game?"

Kiku shrugged, but his upturned lips let Matthew know that he knew exactly what he was doing and was enjoying every second of it.

"You can sit next to me if you wanna play with us buuut," Elizaveta shifted and waggled her eyebrows, "Gilbert's in your room."

Matthew rolled his eyes and turned to go to his room. Alfred looked conflicted for a moment, but, after glancing once at the TV, settled on saying, "Leave the door open."

"Whatever." Matthew waved him off as he went to his room.

For as much as his family joked about the door, it was closed when he walked up to it. After all this time, Gilbert still never learned to completely respect authority. Matthew walked in and shut the door behind himself. Maybe Gilbert was rubbing off on him.

Inside the room, Gilbert had made himself comfortable as if this space was as much his as his own room. He was on the bed laying on his back. One hand was holding his phone above his face; the other was petting Matthew's stuffed polar bear, Kuma, which Gilbert had resting on his chest.

Matthew smiled, "Looks like Kuma still likes you."

"Shit!" Gilbert jolted. "Birdie, you are evil and use all your evil just to sneak up on me. Not cool."

"And you are wearing shoes on my bed, so we're even." Matthew sat down on the bed. "Now scoot." Gilbert shifted to give Matthew room and to sit up with his back against the wall.

"How you doing, Birdie?" Gilbert put an arm around Matthew's shoulder. Matthew leaned into him. "I'm good. It was a good session today."

"Good to hear."

"Arthur's a little annoyed you couldn't stop Ludwig from showing up early."

Gilbert laughed. "He can take that up with him."

"And also that you listened to Francis and came up here."

Gilbert smirked. "Francis is always on my side. Besides, it's a group social thing tonight, and I needed to guarantee at least a little bit of alone time."

"I can't believe no one realizes you're the biggest sap ever."

"And they never will because we don't do pda."

"Doesn't stop you."

Gilbert shrugged. "I know what I can get away with."

"Really now?"

"Yeah, exhibit A." Gilbert leaned down and kissed Matthew.

The kiss was awkward at first due to Matthew laughing through it, but once his amusement died down, it became more heated. Gilbert pushed Matthew's shoulders flat against the bed and crawled on top of him. Matthew's hands gripped Gilbert's hair, pulling him as close as possible, while Gilbert ran his hands up Matthew's side causing him to groan into the kiss.

Gilbert pulled away just enough to whisper against Matthew's lips, "See, I know just how much I can get away with."

Breathing heavily, Matthew retorted, "Shut up." Gripping Gilbert's hair tightly, he pulled Gilbert back for a kiss, nipping at his lip briefly. This time, Gilbert moaned into the kiss. They continued for another minute, before a knock on the door interrupted them.

Swiftly, Matthew pushed Gilbert off of his and sat up. Gilbert glared at the door as it opened revealing Alfred who was exaggeratedly covering his eyes with his hands.

"Are you decent? I don't want to see anything."

Matthew groaned. "Please stop that."

Gilbert complained, "Great timing."

Alfred abandoned covering his eyes to point an accusing finger at Gilbert. "Hey! It is my job to protect my brother's virtue."

Matthew covered his face with his hands muffling the words, "Please stop."

Alfred lowers his hand. "Also, the rest of your friends are here, and dad was going to start setting food outside, so you guys need to head down soon."

Before walking away, Alfred opened the door all the way, patted it. Then, turned around to point two fingers at Gilbert. "No funny business." Then, he was gone.

"My family is the most embarrassing family ever."

Gilbert stood up and stretched. "They're not too bad. They just care."

Matthew thought back to all the times he had been told his family cared about him. "I want to wait a few minutes before heading down."

Gilbert smirked. "I feel that." He plopped down in Matthew's desk chair and looked around the room. "Have I told you I like all the new drawings you've been doing?" Said drawings were laying on the desk; the ones Matthew considered better tacked over the walls.

"Yeah? So does my therapist."

Gilbert paused. They talked about treatment some, but often times Matthew tried to avoid any details pertaining to his treatment and everything that happened the past school year.

"Well, they are good, and you've been whipping out art like crazy. It's awesome."

"It's good for me, and I have more energy to do it."

Gilbert smiled. "You really feel like you're doing better don't you?"

Matthew walked to stand next to Gilbert. "Most days I do, yeah. It's, uh, hard to talk about still, and it's such a deeply ingrained thing, but things have been looking up. Using the methods from therapy and stuff made dealing better, too, I guess."

Matthew paused by a drawing he did what felt like forever ago of a labyrinth. "Sometimes, I still wonder about how things could have gone differently. If everyone would be different. How they would be different. If things would be good or bad, but then I think of things more holistically, like, actually holistically, and I feel dumb for questioning anything at all." He traced the labyrinth drawing thoughtfully.

Gilbert stood and put a hand on Matthew's shoulder. "I think about it too, but you already know how I feel about everything - what happened and everything in between."

Matthew's lips twitched. He did know. After many deep conversations late at night or at the park they still frequented, he very much knew. He knew how Gilbert still viewed their first meeting as some divine intervention at times, about how he feels they make the most out of each other as if two fucked up teens together make two emotionally well and socially adapted teens, about the L word Matthew likes to pretend Gilbert doesn't hint at or whisper when he thinks Matthew can't hear. He thinks about how fondly he remembers those times and clings to the almosts because somehow he knows they carry more weight than if they were.

He leaned over and pecked Gilbert on the cheek. "I think I'm ready to go downstairs now."

Gilbert ran a hand through Matthew's hair straightening it. "Good, because you have friends, family, food, and a dad who will freak out if we are up here much longer waiting for you to grace your guests with your presence."

Matthew looked down to hide his grin, trying not to give Gilbert the satisfaction that his cheesy jokes are in fact funny. Quickly, before he began to laugh, he left his room, Gilbert following behind still trying and succeeding in making jokes.

Heading towards the stairs, voices from below echoed and bounced off the walls from people waiting for Matthew so that they could eat.

With his head hanging low, unsuccessfully hiding his smile from Gilbert, he walked on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> Thanks for sticking around and reading and witnessing my writing get better over the course of this long story.
> 
> If you see this story pop up as a series, I'm archiving the first part of the prequel next (the second part I'm still writing yikes). After that, I think that I might try to wait until the novels are done before I start posting chapters, but who knows.
> 
> I'm on tumblr as allavengedromance and twitter @bethfrombackrow if you want to follow or chat.


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